Sheriff of Nowhere - Pilot by Jeffrey Dean Langham (Jeremiah Johnson) - Series - In the not too distant future mountain town of San Luis, Sheriff Daniel Johnson has his hands full.  He will find out that things aren't what they seem, people will continue to surprise him, and his family needs him more than he realizes. His judgement will be tested and finds out about things he really shouldn't know. 46 pages - pdf, format

An early draft.  I am adding a possible love interest, principal at the school, to help beef up the pages and give another storyline.  I would love any feedback on this.  Thanks for posting this Don, and thanks in advance for any input.

Thanks for putting this up so quickly Don!!!!!

I would really like some feedback on this.  I didn't get one single feedback the first time it was posted.Don't make me beg for reads!!!!

I know TV stuff is not to everyone's liking, but just need to know if there are any glaring issues.

Thanks in advance.

Not too sure what to say about this. In some ways it was like wading through treacle.

Only made three pages.

How come you bunch all your descriptions up so much?

In a lot of ways you write well, but it's not coming over right.

An alarm clock is lit up as the sun's light barely peeks
through a bedroom window. At 6:00...
-- so what would you film here? As in where would you put the camera? Where's the clock?

Point is, to me, you have your descriptives all wrong. You have three objects here: The alarm clock, the sun, and the window. The sun is shining onto the alarm clock. So that is the order of events. To me, yours kind of reads backwards. And then you've put the creative bit at the end with the 'barely peeking' bit.

So the active part - sun-light, peeks through a window, and falls on an Alarm clock (?).

I'm not saying I'm just examining one sentence, but it looks like a pattern in your writing.

Simon,
Thanks for at least cracking this open.  To describe or not to describe, that is the question.  Just kidding.

You asked where would I put the camera, what would I film, where's the clock?  Those aren't mine to answer.  That is the director's job.

I know people say to keep specs simple and direct.  I have also seen mentioned that sometimes you should throw a little flair in there to let them know you can write ...

I just write.  I saw it that way in my head, and that is what I put.  It is visual so I don't think a director would have any trouble making the scene his own.

Same with the rest.  If it is not visual, I've made a mistake and need to correct it.  If it is just so God awful to read, then stop - as you did.

I understand though.  Appreciate your comments.  Don't worry, I do have thick skin (and sometimes a thick skull).  Good luck with your writing, and will give your stuff a read through when I can.

I hope someone else will give it a go, to try to help me on this.  Stopping early isn't going to help me much.

Thanks,
Jeff

Hi - I agree that short reads can have limited use sometimes, so I'll give it go and see if I can get into the story.

Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson You asked where would I put the camera, what would I film, where's the clock?  Those aren't mine to answer.  That is the director's job.

Maybe ... but it can also be the camera-man, set dresser and other people who have to read this and make decisions on what is what - that's one reason why clear visuals are so important.

Understand and noted.  Thanks for the clarification.  I appreciate any input.

Hey Jeremiah - have this a read.

Couple of issues:

p.3/4 - with the 'men' - I think it'd be best to give these guys name - they've both got speaking part. I'm really not too sure about the way that they disappear into the mound and then just come out again - I think this needs breaking up some.


p.4 Squirrel with acorn in hand? Paws?

I'm not too sure about the teaser, to be honest, as I don't think it shows enough - we've got the guys with the Geiger counters and AK47's, but I think it needs something else to set it up well. The humor between them alters the tone somewhat, and you might want to be careful with stuff like this - it doesn't move the story forward and because of that, there is the danger that it makes these guys out to jokers - you might be inadvertently setting it up as a comedy.

p.5 He grabs a cord from porch (the porch?)

p.6 Daniel makes his way to his desk. He removes his gun belt and PLUGS IT IN to a wall outlet. A CHARGING indicator lights up on the back of the belt.
-- a couple of times yo confuse your CAPS - not need for CAPS on plugging stuff in, and the CAPS should be on the indicator, not the charging.

p.6/7 Maybe bring the problem with the Plasma pistols in a little earlier, and Daniel can try and get that over to Anderson from the beginning of the conversation.

p.7 Daniel approaches Little Bear, who stands by his electric car. A solar panel sits on the roof.
-- need some details of the location here - especial Little Bear's car.

Last word at the end of Act 4 is 'door' You use this word 40 times in the script. That's too often.

Bottom of p.10, some of the visuals are confusing - you have the crowd dissipating, but then you have 'some in the crowd cheer'.

p.12 They both bend down to begin the processing of their meal.
-- this line doesn't work at all for me.

I'm out by page 12, sorry.

It's an attempt, but it's certainly not the full article yet. Your writing isn't too bad, but it does need to be altered to get it right for a script

There are problems with your story angle - by p.12 of 46, I should know what the story is but I have no idea yet - we've got issues with potatoes, a couple of strange guys running round the woods, something with Jake, and now someone else watching the strange guys running round.

There needs to be some indication of where this is all going.

I think the dialogue is flawed. Too often it states the obvious and goes on to long. You need to get in late and leave early.

Sorry I can't be more positive, as I think you've put some effort in here, but it really needs to be sharpened up some if this is going to work.

Simon,

Thanks for giving it another go.  This is what I needed.  I will ponder your comments and apply what I can.  I will look again at the dialogue.  I know I need to trim where I can and have overwritten some parts.

Yeah, I figured the story is not for everyone.  TV writing is a bit different.  I know I have to hook the reader/viewer soon and get them in the story.  I will see what can be done to help in that regard.

The real "meat" of the story will unfold in future episodes.  A bigger picture, if you will.

And just so you know, it's not just about potatoes!!

Thanks again,
Jeff

Here are the notes I received from the Slamdance competition.  I thought it was good, but didn't realize that I could have sent a one-page along with the script until after I got this!!  Probably would have done better if I would have.  They missed some key points of the story, but I still can use some of the recommendations.

I also didn't like the logline they have for it.

SLAMDANCE 2013 SCREENWRITING AND
TELEPLAY COMPETITION COVERAGE REPORT:
TITLE OF SCREENPLAY: SHERIFF OF NOWHERE
GENRE: Hour pilot/sci-fi

LOGLINE: After some unexplained catastrophe, a community
struggles to get along.

SHORT FEEDBACK:
The characters and dialog are solid and get the job done.  Thepilot is an easy read and the plot easy to follow. At the same time, the author may not be giving enough context for the audience to fully understand the situation or understand it enough to become emotionally involved. In addition, the various conflicts may not be dramatically strong enough yet to really connect with the audience.

SHORT SYNOPSIS:
Daniel is a sheriff for a community that has survived an apocalyptic event of some kind. He has a grandson, 8 year old Jake; a Native American deputy Little Bear; and a secretary, Maggie. The community survives on electric power sources and solar energy. In the opening scene, two outsiders come into the community and cause problems.  Daniel and Little Bear are assigned to protect a party given by a rich rancher in the area, a demeaning assignment. The outsiders find the ranch and a shoot out occurs, with one of the outsiders being killed, but no one knows who killed him. Daniel also has some issues with what the local school teacher is teaching about the outsiders.

SCREENPLAY ANALYSIS/COMMENTARY:
SHERIFF OF NOWHERE is a story about a world trying to survive after some sort of catastrophe as in such series as Jericho, Falling Skies, Revolution, Terra Nova, Genesis II, Planet of the Apes, Survivors, Ark II, etc.

The characters and dialog are basically solid and get the job done. There is a nice relationship between Daniel and Jake.One also feels for Daniel as one gets the idea that he is doing a job that he doesn’t get enough support for. Little Bear is
also a strong character.  

The pilot is easy to read and the plot not hard to follow. Little details like electric cars and solar energy and plasma guns add to the atmosphere.  

At the same time, it is suggested that there may be some issues that may be preventing this pilot from being everything it could be. Most of these revolve around the effectiveness of the various storylines here.

It is suggested that the main issue is that there may not be enough context for the audience to know how to react to the various incidents that are going on. If the author doesn’t want to reveal what the event was that caused the change, that can work, but it is suggested that more information may still be needed.

For example, it may be unclear how large this community is that Daniel patrols. It is suggested that the feeling at the beginning is that this is a rather small, even Mayberry like community. But then Daniel has never met Barnes (which may not be believable no matter how large the community is) and Barnes and Anderson talk about troops and drones. This suggests a much larger community; but just how big is it then?

It may also be unclear where these outsiders have come from. What is the outside? Is the community cut off from the outside world by mountains or something like that that would have kept the catastrophe from getting to them? If not, what is keeping the outsiders out and Daniel and the others in this community? What is the difference between outside and inside?

When it comes to the party, it may be unclear why Barnes, who is rich and powerfully connected, doesn’t have his own security force or why he doesn’t use army troops who would probably be better protectors than someone with plasma guns that are useless.

More important, it may be unclear why he wants protection at all. It’s just a party. It may be unclear what he is afraid will happen during a party that he doesn’t think would happen when he isn’t having a party. And it may be unclear who has been invited to the party. There seems to be a division between the haves and the have nots here, but it may it be unclear who the haves are that would be invited to the party and who the have nots are. In other words, it may be also be a bit vague exactly how this community is set up and works and how the various classes relate to one another.

It may even be unclear what they use for money (who is minting it, for example) or where they get supplies to make clothes or build things, etc.

In addition, it is also suggested that the drama may not quite have enough wattage yet to excite the audience as much as it may need. Part of this may be due to the lack of context (who are the outsiders and what do they want and why would they go to this party; what is the issue with the potatoes) and without enough context, the conflicts may not translate emotionally to the audience.

But in addition, it is suggested that the as written now, all the scenes may feel a bit too much on the same level without a real, strong, suspenseful build toward a climax. Whereas the build should reach a ten on a scale of one to ten, the climax here may only reach a five.

RECOMMENDATIONS:
Because this apocalyptic event is not explained and because the context of the community is still a little unclear, it is a little difficult to make suggestions here. But overall, the general recommendation is that the author give a much fuller context to the situation, making it clearer how large this community is, how it is run, what the hierarchy is, etc. The easiest way to do this may be to explain more fully what led to
the apocalypse and why this community survived. But if the author doesn’t want to do that, then the author should probably find other ways to make all of this clearer.

The author may want to have some through line in which something is clearly at stake or have a major conflict that has to be resolved at the end of the first episode. Perhaps this could revolve around Barnes in which it is revealed he is up to something nefarious and Daniel and Little Bear put a stop to it, or get in his way of it.

This major conflict could revolve around the outsiders. However, to do that, then it is suggested that the outsiders need to have a clear goal or want something. Right now, they seem to have just stumbled onto this community and have no real goal but just to survive (as was said, it may be unclear why they went to Barnes’ ranch). The author might consider that they’ve been sent to kill Barnes. That’s one possible way to go.

Whatever decision the author makes, it is suggested that the conflicts may not be clear enough or strong enough or dramatic enough yet to really involve an audience.

ALL IN ALL, the author has created some solid characters and an empathetic lead, but it is also suggested that there may not be enough context or a strong enough conflict yet.

Hey Jeremiah,

I've read the coverage you received from Slamdance 2013, and I get a sense that the reader didn't actually "read" read your script.  I'm bouncing off of your thick skin here, but I want to throw a few things out there that hopefully helps this into a great pilot as you did with mine.

Your sentence structure was sound, but its delivery lacked.  For sake of presentation, always strive for a deep awareness of the type of vehicle you put your story into.  I've learned this the hard way over and over until I finally learned that I don't know shit about writing.  

Use stronger verbs.  Its okay to use is, are, walks, sighs (well maybe not sighs); but you have to mixed it up to refresh the read as well.   It only comes across pretentious if you mishandle the connotation.  Make sure you check the grammar as well.  Its, it's, etc. as well as spacing between sentences.

Also, you gave an entire page dedicated to ending act 1.  I'd imagine to a script reader, it could come across as lazy writing.  I say cut out a line and bump that puppy up!

I did like how you used organic visuals to contrast the futuristic dependency, but was it strong enough?  These can be powerful images and a catalyst for more layers and ideas thematically.  I would have liked to see more of what is in store for us in the future.

Are some of the stereotypes used by the characters a product of their environment?  If not, I would attach it to maybe a single character so it has a better effect.

The biggest issue I see here is the dialogue, I want to be clear, that coverage is lying to you when they say it's solid.  There is no subtext, and I feel it is the biggest hindrance to your work.  They say each others names throughout, unnatural.  It's plot driven, I don't get a full view of the characters motivations.  I'd like to know more about this Boss character too.

Overall, I need more in the latch on to element wise.  Have you started writing the second episode?  We need to have a better understanding of the stakes and then everyone of your character's actions will make more sense.  Show this world for what it really is and I think you'll have a great story to tell.

Later,

Johnny

Johnny,
Thanks for the read and the notes.  I have to hit the bed early, I just got called into work early tomorrow.  I will try to respond as soon as I can, but really appreciate any help!!

Johnny,

Thanks for the feedback.  Yours and Simon's comments will be put to good use.  You are spot on with the verbs and will try to work on my subtext.

The story, like yours, plays out over the course of the season.  Some things will be revealed quickly and some slowly.  I'm going back through this right now to fix these many issues.  I hope to clear most of this up.  My rewrite is going on as I type this.

Thanks again.

Can't wait to read it!  But take your time...