SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:19pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Students Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Students  (currently 3292 views)
Don
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Students (Sitcom Pilot) by Tom - Comedy - James Collins, young, idealistic, and new to university quickly finds it fails to live up to his romanticized expectations. 38 pages - pdf, format



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 5th, 2013, 11:11pm
revised script
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RegularJohn
Posted: February 28th, 2013, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
New


Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

Posts
276
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Tom.

I think this qualifies as a series above all but doesn't really matter.  Just thought I'd bring it up.

The scenes don't need to be numbered.  That's usually done with the shooting script or so I've read but not in spec scripts.

A few problems with your first sentence (not a great way to start).  "Tallish" just sounds terrible.  If he's "tallish", wouldn't he just be tall?  This sentence is also passive.  "Is waiting" is better written simply as "waits".  I also suggest putting his age in parenthesis (makes the description shorter).  Besides, labeling him a student is technically unfilmable.  This is all in the first sentence so I'm concerned about the rest of the pilot.

Wouldn't recommend putting title cards in your script.  Leave that up to the film crew.  Stick to the story.

More passive writing.  Clean it up and stick to lines without the word "is".  "Boyish"...another adjective which doesn't read well.  "-ish" may have its uses but for me it isn't at the end of boy or tall.  If you can't find the proper adjective then best to leave it out and focus on the story.

I'll stop there.  Sorry if I sounded harsh and I wish you the best of luck with the sitcom.

Johnny


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Andrew
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Purely for reasons of time, I've been unable to continue, but this is very enjoyable. Witty and well-written, you've crafted distinct characters and dropped in some enjoyable references. The lecturer, Greg, is very amusing, as was the simple Admin Woman character. I can see those 2 characters easily working on screen.

There's already a strong draw between Ben and James, that felt organic. My only complaint so far is that the scene with James, Emma and Ben (after the lecture) felt a little out of place, tonally. You're obviously establishing the tone, but something about it felt out of place with that excellent opening. It lacked something, but I'll reassess that when I come to reading this later.

This is a very promising script, and I will definitely come back once I've finished reading it.

I strongly recommend people give this a read.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
Chris Ramos
Posted: March 3rd, 2013, 1:26am Report to Moderator
New


Writers are good liars with great memories.

Location
United States
Posts
38
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hello,

This has a very good story. I like it.

The only thing that doesn't check is that Ben was born in April of 1996. That would make him 16, not 18. Especially since it was 2012. And I don't know if it's possible, but it's rare for a 16 year old to be in a University.

Also, a few grammar and formatting issues, but those are minor errors.

Keep writing.

Chris


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
Please...  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 3:24am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from Chris Ramos
Hello,

This has a very good story. I like it.

The only thing that doesn't check is that Ben was born in April of 1996. That would make him 16, not 18. Especially since it was 2012. And I don't know if it's possible, but it's rare for a 16 year old to be in a University.

Also, a few grammar and formatting issues, but those are minor errors.

Keep writing.

Chris


Thanks. I can't believe I missed the birthday issue but it's fixed now.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 3:26am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from Andrew
Purely for reasons of time, I've been unable to continue, but this is very enjoyable. Witty and well-written, you've crafted distinct characters and dropped in some enjoyable references. The lecturer, Greg, is very amusing, as was the simple Admin Woman character. I can see those 2 characters easily working on screen.

There's already a strong draw between Ben and James, that felt organic. My only complaint so far is that the scene with James, Emma and Ben (after the lecture) felt a little out of place, tonally. You're obviously establishing the tone, but something about it felt out of place with that excellent opening. It lacked something, but I'll reassess that when I come to reading this later.

This is a very promising script, and I will definitely come back once I've finished reading it.

I strongly recommend people give this a read.


Thanks. We got a bit of feedback that James and Ben came across as unlikable and that we hadn't made the audience care or know enough about them, hence the scene after the lecture. I agree though that it tonally clashes with the other early scenes. Where have you read up to?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 3:28am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from RegularJohn
Hey Tom.

I think this qualifies as a series above all but doesn't really matter.  Just thought I'd bring it up.

The scenes don't need to be numbered.  That's usually done with the shooting script or so I've read but not in spec scripts.

A few problems with your first sentence (not a great way to start).  "Tallish" just sounds terrible.  If he's "tallish", wouldn't he just be tall?  This sentence is also passive.  "Is waiting" is better written simply as "waits".  I also suggest putting his age in parenthesis (makes the description shorter).  Besides, labeling him a student is technically unfilmable.  This is all in the first sentence so I'm concerned about the rest of the pilot.

Wouldn't recommend putting title cards in your script.  Leave that up to the film crew.  Stick to the story.

More passive writing.  Clean it up and stick to lines without the word "is".  "Boyish"...another adjective which doesn't read well.  "-ish" may have its uses but for me it isn't at the end of boy or tall.  If you can't find the proper adjective then best to leave it out and focus on the story.

I'll stop there.  Sorry if I sounded harsh and I wish you the best of luck with the sitcom.

Johnny


Thanks for your feedback. We're relative neophytes to screenwriting, so the formatting tips are always appreciated, and I like what you're saying about '-ish' words and the descriptions.

In terms of the story/comedy, what were the pros/cons, or did you not get a chance to read all of it?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 3:28am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks everyone for the feedback. We're currently working on a new draft of the script, but in the meantime, I was wondering if anyone had any concrete criticisms or things the script lacks.

We got a bit of feedback elsewhere that said the script lacked a story or conflict. We like the meandering, uneventful nature of the script, but were wondering if it needs a hook.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Toby_E
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 4:33am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Tom,

I'm nearing the end of a first draft of a sit-com pilot, so thought it would do me some good to read and leave feedback on something of a similar ilk

For the most part, I liked this. It reminded me of both an American sit-com called Undeclared, and an English one called Fresh Meat. Are you familiar with them? If not, I'd recommend checking them out, and noting down how they structure each episode, as both are great examples of funny, well structured shows.

But now, onto your script.

The main issue I had with this was the lack of story. Most sit-coms have what is called an A story (the main story), and a B story (the secondary story; some even have a C story as well). The character's establish their goals/ dramatic needs in the opening one or two scenes, and then the rest of the script is one big bit of conflict, whilst the characters overcome obstacles whilst trying to achieve their goals. And more times or not, they fail. One of my favourite sit-coms at the minute is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch that show, and then take note of the different story strands, and how they are established.

Another issue I had with this was that as characters, James and Ben felt far too similar. In successful sit-coms, no two characters are the same. Try and find ways to make Ben and James differ.

And also, this script doesn't really end? It just stops? There's no climax, no resolution.

All the best.

Toby.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 6:11am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from Toby_E
Tom,

I'm nearing the end of a first draft of a sit-com pilot, so thought it would do me some good to read and leave feedback on something of a similar ilk

For the most part, I liked this. It reminded me of both an American sit-com called Undeclared, and an English one called Fresh Meat. Are you familiar with them? If not, I'd recommend checking them out, and noting down how they structure each episode, as both are great examples of funny, well structured shows.

But now, onto your script.

The main issue I had with this was the lack of story. Most sit-coms have what is called an A story (the main story), and a B story (the secondary story; some even have a C story as well). The character's establish their goals/ dramatic needs in the opening one or two scenes, and then the rest of the script is one big bit of conflict, whilst the characters overcome obstacles whilst trying to achieve their goals. And more times or not, they fail. One of my favourite sit-coms at the minute is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Watch that show, and then take note of the different story strands, and how they are established.

Another issue I had with this was that as characters, James and Ben felt far too similar. In successful sit-coms, no two characters are the same. Try and find ways to make Ben and James differ.

And also, this script doesn't really end? It just stops? There's no climax, no resolution.

All the best.

Toby.


Thanks for your feedback. I've watched both Undeclared and Fresh Meat and read the script, so I'm quite familiar with them. I suppose we're trying to make a show similar to those two, but with a style of humour and general tone more in line with The Office (UK), Extras and The Trip.

We've had people mention the lack of story/conflict, but as weird as it sounds, we quite like the distinct lack of setup and sitcom-y structure. We're trying to make a quite realistic, grounded comedy that relies more on the awkwardness of the situations than any driving plot events.

Having said that, we're currently working in a new subplot involving James's recently-ex-girlfriend and a bigger payoff involving the toga, and we're introducing these elements quite early in the script.

I understand your point about the similarity between James and Ben, and we'll definitely try and address it, but the idea is that they're the only two normal people in a world of idiots and so share a natural affinity and worldview.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
Toby_E
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 7:15am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hey man,

Even if you are going for that awkwardness of situations-esque comedy, the show still needs to be based around a plot. Now, the plot doesn't have to be anything extravagant, it can be something as simple and realistic/ ordinary as James wanting to get laid or impress a girl. Or Ben wanting to change seminar class, etc.

Take Curb Your Enthusiasm, for instance. Not much happens in each episode, but there is still a plot. In every episode, Larry wants something: he either wants to explicitly gain something, or he wants to right-his-wrongs.

The danger or avoiding plot means that your script becomes just a bunch of people doing nothing. Characters without dramatic needs make boring characters. Now, whilst this may work for an episode or two, I guarantee people will get bored quickly.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
Andrew
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 9:02am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32

Quoted from Tom


Thanks. We got a bit of feedback that James and Ben came across as unlikable and that we hadn't made the audience care or know enough about them, hence the scene after the lecture. I agree though that it tonally clashes with the other early scenes. Where have you read up to?


I'm still up to page 5 or 6. I haven't had chance to read anymore because I've had a busy week, but I will get back around to it.

But I reiterate that this is worth a read for SSers.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
Toby_E
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 9:20am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
London, UK
Posts
872
Posts Per Day
0.15
Oh, and Tom,

I don't think you need the scene after the lecture... It came across as forced, and unnatural. Try and weave the important information from it in the script via some other method.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Tom
Posted: March 8th, 2013, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00

Quoted from Toby_E
Oh, and Tom,

I don't think you need the scene after the lecture... It came across as forced, and unnatural. Try and weave the important information from it in the script via some other method.


Yeah, that's how we kind of felt. We just got a lot of feedback saying we hadn't set up the main characters very well and needed a scene that explained who they were. We are trying to avoid expository scenes like that so we'll have a rethink.

I also know what you're saying about needing a simple plot and we're writing it in now. We're thinking of having James recently broken up with his girlfriend and hence having to try and show her he's landed on his feet, which hopefully gives more significance to his interactions with Natalie.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
DanielMagden
Posted: March 18th, 2013, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I really enjoyed this script. I went in thinking that it was going to be a lot like "Undeclared", or other college shows of the type. I like your characters, and I absolutely loved most of the dialog (I'm a huge fan of witty humor). The only things that might need looked at were:
1. The Ron Jeremy reference. This is probably just me, because I honestly didn't know who Ron Jeremy was (I'm not to knowledgeable of adult actors) and I had to Google him. This could have just been my ignorance, but if I didn't know who he was, I'm sure other people might not. Although after I found out who he was I had a good laugh about the joke. I'm not saying it should be taken out, but perhaps you could find a way of making more easier for the few people who don't know who Ron Jeremy is to get the joke.
2. I was somewhat thrown off by the few curse words in it. Once again this might be a nit pick, but I at first thought of this as a prime time type show, but then one of the characters dropped the F bomb and it threw me of guard. There was nothing wrong with it, It just kind of threw me off guard (I'm kind of nit picky like that). You could probably completely ignore that nit pick and it would be fine though.
  All in all, I would call this a pretty solid piece. A little flawed, but I would rather watch this then Two and A Half Men. Keep up the good work!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006