Lee,

The walking dead is written and directed by a multitude of different people. You can really see the difference from episode to episode.

Not to discourage you but most writers will stop at a pilot because they know once the series gets a green light others are brought in to continue the show as they see fit. So unless you are really having fun writing multiple eposodes, I would suggest you focus on another project.  The pilot is where you need to polish the shit out of in order to have a chance. Even then,  a buyer may re-write the pilot anyways.

Tony.  

That's one of the problems with TWD.  It lacks direction.  People handling characters differently than the people before and writers penning their own episodes often leads to stale characters and plot holes.

I could write an entire season by myself... unless it gets stale too fast.  Like this did.  By Episode 4, I'd bled the well dry.  

I may be collaborating with someone on their series, not writing anything, just planning.  I'm better at plotting than writing...

I finished the 1st episode. You've got some interesting characters. They're different types of people too, across ages and sensibilities.

I like how the stories collide together by the end. Some unexpected twists for sure. There's a lot action and some good images.

I liked the voiceover transitions between scenes. Like when the 1st line of dialogue in the next scene acts as a connecting (ironically appropriate) bridge. You should do this more. And with emphasis.  I'd suggest, for example, when you shift from Mack at prison to ellie at the bridge, you should have her say her dialogue... Stay... as mack walks away.

I loved the reveal of who Mack really is. I'm interested to see how that storyline unfolds over the season.

I imagine you came up with some of the prison stuff as you wrote it. Not because of quality,  do I suspect this, but quantity.  There's a lot going on. I wonder if you could space this out over another episode at least. And give the characters something interesting character wise. I know you were probably excited to get to the end, for the plot reveal and epic apocalyptic imagery.  But spread it out. Maybe some prisoners stay behind. So you could just shift some scenes around. Maybe alter the character groupings in prison. Maybe 2 in a cell.

I like ellie. I'm rooting for her. She isn't so obviously prepared for the zombie apocalypse like a tough inmate is. Explore this element more. Like have her more scared. Make it more difficult for her to fight. Maybe she realizes she's better off running and hiding. I think you should give her more screen time.

You could give her more to do in the scenes she's in, as of now. Once she gets her brother and escapes is a good opportunity to beef things up. Sometimes its more intense to have two physically weak people sneak by zombies, because if they get noticed they're screwed.

The walkee talkee plan and the tank is definitely too Walking Dead for me. The communication plan makes sense but the tank. Nope. Then there'd be soldiers or army and stuff.  And that would be a really quick response for that type of equipment. It's better if the government isn't fully prepared. Plus it gives something to discuss or show in future episodes.

I think it's better to have mack free, staring out, we wonder what he's thinking, what he sees, as hope fades, he's staring at a horde of zombies and burning cars in the distance. You know, pretty much the way you have it, just with taking more for reflection. And, uh, minus the tank. Hehehe.

Hope this helps. I'll check out episode 2 soon.

It's pretty intense stuff with tons of zombie kills.

Hey LF,

Voice overs are a tough thing to get right, so I'm happy they worked here.  I like the idea of using them more often, so I'll attempt that.

The prison, yep, it was mostly improvisation.  I wanted them to be stuck in the beginning so I could get them out fast.  If the season had gone as planned, you would've seen Tex, Paul, Mexican (Martinez), Tattoo and Liam again in Episode 6.  

Walkie Talkie thing and the tank, guess it came out of nowhere.  I'm not even sure why I have it in since Mack and Addison don't speak until they reunite anyway.  The tank also, military response would've been mad fast considering how quick the zombies took over, and the fact that they ran too, meaning they'd cover more ground much faster.

Ellie... well, the first episode is essentially the prologue from the movie version.  The second episode has her doing much more, more bonding with Evan, more thinking, hell she has to deal with something no one like her should have to deal with (Sinclair). Her role beefs up in episode 2, and she does something you won't see coming, so does Evan, who has a massive boost to his development cycle in Ep2.

Mack, yep, big reveal at the end of who he really is.  Though what he did to get where he was will also be revealed in episode 2, not fully, but enough to wet appetites.

I'm going back to Episode 4, where things took a downward spiral into crazy town and things started going awry.  If I can figure out the problem (characters doing the same stuff) then I might be able to save this thing and continue.

I'm also working with another member here, and possibly you, on zombie scripts/series'.  It's good to do this cooperatively, as writing episode after episode often leads to dryness.  

I did receive your Star Wars and Zombie scripts and will have a read over them.  I did crack open the Star Wars one and read a few pages, seems you've got the concept of Star Wars down but I don't know much about the SW universe, like who Han Solo is.  I only watched Revenge of the Sith.

-Lee