SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 1:03am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Fulphiled Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Fulphiled  (currently 3515 views)
Don
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 8:22am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Fulphiled by Phillip Drees (PhilyD) - Series, Comedy, SitCom - One man's midlife crisis turns into a search for something more, but he takes shortcuts and the results aren't what he expects. 40 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
PhilyD
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks for posting! This is my first piece of work, so be gentle. I did put camera direction in a few scenes, so if I could get some feedback on better ways to format those scenes properly it would be much appreciated. Then you can rip me apart on everything else.

I thank anybody that takes the time to read this.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
JimiLamp
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Phil,

Writing looks pretty good. I'll take a look at the whole thing when I get A good block of time. You asked the question "what to do with camera direction"? On page one you have: Camera goes to long line of employees...

You can simply put: A long line of employees... drop camera.

Page2. Camera goes to Karen. One way you can do this is: ON Karen trying to control three boys. You can also use ANGLE ON Karen. Some may say to avoid these as well or as much as possible. Depends who's reading. But you really want to avoid using the word camera in your script. Or: Karen tries to control three boys.

Also, you want to try and avoid the ing's. P5 you have: JT is running to Phil. Instead, you can say: JT runs to Phil. Want it to be as present and active as possible.

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Like I said, I'll give this a full read in the next few days.

Good luck and congrats on finishing your script!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Awesome! This is the first time anybody else has given it a read, so thanks for the feedback. I've been reading a lot about not using camera direction, so the feedback on that is much appreciated.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
JimiLamp
Posted: July 18th, 2014, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.02
No prob. I'm not a seasoned vet or anything. I'm constantly making mistakes and learning. Overall you seem to a have a good grasp on screenwriting and what you want to do. Any advice I could give would be read as many comedy sitcom scripts as you can. I think they are in their own world "so to speak" in terms of structure/format. But you should be able to pick up on all the little stuff pretty quick.

Glad that somewhat helpful.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 2:32am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
I do have another question I was concerned with. Did you read the titled as fulfilled but spelled fulphiled? I've been thinking of putting a hyphen in it so it would read "Ful-Philed. I was worried about people reading the title wrong.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
Pale Yellow
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
2083
Posts Per Day
1.40
Read the first twelve of this....One question I have is ...what sort of audience are you shooting for? If it's prime time, you may want to cut down on some of the f-bombs and cussing.

Also this dialogue
KAREN
I can’t fucking do it!
...Can Phil and JT hear her say this? I felt like they were watching from afar but then it seems like she's answering them.  I think the camera directing is confusing this piece more than it should. I'd suggest removing them.

Like the switcheroo when the nerd guy is happy and crying and then gets a toilet cleaning award! I laughed out loud.

The dialogue in this thing needs work.

So it goes from the ranch company thing to his dead mother at the funeral parlor. I'm starting to get tired ...and then this...

Phil is trapped while his aunts are holding him. One starts
dry humping his leg and the other one starts licking his
face.

Oh so it was just a dream but he wakes up with his dogs humping him in the bed?

And then the next several pages of dialogue seem back and forth: the whole interview thing.

You have some good stuff in here. I'm just wondering after reading 12 pages, what is this thing about? I mean what is the core concept. Maybe I won't know until reading the whole 40 pages??

IF this is your first piece of work....outstanding! I wish I wrote this well on my first script! Awesome job for first time! Keep working at it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
JimiLamp
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.02
Wasn't confused with the title. But Ful-philed may work better.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Pale, thanks for reading, and giving me some feedback.
OK, to answer your question. I did attend it to be on cable/or web, but I have thought about cutting back on the curse words.

I pictured Karen saying that to herself, like giving up. Do I need to put more description you think?   I said in the post at the top that I needed some advice on the camera issue on the first scene, so yeah, it sounds like it definitely needs work.

So you didn't get any transformation of Phil through the first 12 pages? He's pretty much coming to realization his life is passing by, and work is all he does. Well, shoot, back to the drawing board.

I hope you can give it a little further read. I think it will make more sense, but if nothing is getting through in the first 12, then I need to re-think some things.

Thanks again, good feedback.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
rendevous
Posted: July 19th, 2014, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
Attend? Surely intend.

It does need work. The character intros should say what the characters look like so a reader can visualise them, rather than character traits.

You're doing more telling than showing, this makes it a hard read.

Describe the picnic a little if it's important enough to be the opening scene. What type of people attend it? Old, young etc.

Best way to see this at work is to read some good scripts. I would recommend mine, but this would be sad and unbecoming of me.

Lose all those camera directions, you don't need them. You'll get a lot more reads without them.

Good luck with it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 6:45am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Rendevous, thanks for giving it a quick look, and yes I did mean intend.

I've been very carful with description, and maybe too careful. My knowledge on writing scripts has come from internet surfing and youtube videos, and it seems like everything I have read or watched talked about not going overboard with description. I guess that's why writing is a tricky craft. I have so much to learn! I'll give some of your scripts a look.

Thanks again.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
ajr
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 10:44am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1482
Posts Per Day
0.28
Hey Phil,

First, congratulations on completing a script, and for laying it out there for everyone and asking for help. It's a very brave thing to do. The arts in general are full of rejection - even the best of the best hear the word "no" several times a day. So remember that, and keep seeking out sources that will help you improve your craft.

To build on what Ren said, there is definitely more telling than showing. As the writer, you need to "see" every image of this in your head - how it will appear on film - and then write what you see. The director may end up interpreting it differently (almost a certainty), however you need to put the images inside the reader's, and then eventually the director's, head, so that we see what you see. This is what distinguishes action lines in a screenplay from prose in a novel.  

For example, you have as your opening:

EXT. RANCH-COMPANY PICNIC- DAY

This slug is incorrect - a "company picnic" is not a location. So it should read:

EXT. RANCH - DAY

If you want to be more descriptive about the type of ranch, you can - a dude ranch? A gentleman's farm? A city park? Put the image in our heads.

"It’s the annual company picnic for “Snack&Gas”. A fortune 100 gas station company. It’s held at “Rebel’s Ranch” on a beautiful midwestern summer day.  About 300-400 people show up to this event every year."

This is all telling. How do you convey that it is a picnic for a Fortune 100 gas station company. Think visually. You can cut back and forth between shots of the picnic and shots of corporate - that will show that corporate has money, and that we are now at their picnic.

EXT. GLASS BUILDING - DAY

A "brass and glass" structure with a large ornate sign on the lawn that reads SNACK & GAS.

INT. BUILDING LOBBY - DAY

On the wall hangs a sign which reads SNACK & GAS - FORTUNE 100 COMPANY 2014.

EXT. RANCH - DAY

A large wooden sign reads REBEL'S RANCH.

ESTABLISHING SHOT

Four hundred ants in the form of people roam the open grassy area, alive with carnival activities. (this will tell your reader and your director to imagine the shot from above, without saying "an aerial shot.")

As for "various picnic activities", this is the writer's job to tell us what is going on. In other words, describe every shot, because it's going to take up much more screen time than the 3 words you use. Plus, what if someone in a remote European hillside has never been to an American picnic?

Say things like "two children shoot a water gun into a clown's mouth", "a father gets wrapped up in his daughter's sticky cotton candy", "a couple screams while on a tilt a whirl", etc. And then describe to us what your protagonists are doing. The first thing they DO, not the first thing they SAY, it a perfect opportunity for us to learn about them. Remember the opening of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH? Copy from Cameron Crowe, one of the best - each of the characters we were going to meet DID something first, to reveal their personality. Rat was nervous, Damone was confident, Stacy was fidgety, Linda was bored, Brad was cocky, etc.

This will get you well beyond a quarter of the first page, which it should, since a quarter of the page times out as 15 seconds of screen time. Don't be afraid to describe things visually and use less dialogue if possible.

Hope this helps, and good luck!


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 20th, 2014, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Ajr, that was very helpful. Taking my scene and breaking it down to a visual aspect made me really understand the difference between showing and not telling. It's like you showed me how to fix it instead of telling me.

Thanks again everyone for the tips. I really did learn a lot. I've only been writing for about the 3 months and this feedback is the entire reason I wanted to post my script.

Thanks again to everybody. You'll see a updated one for sure.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
JimiLamp
Posted: July 21st, 2014, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Phil, as promised, I just got done reading your Pilot. Looks like you got a lot of helpful advice so far, so won't go to far into the technical stuff. Show don't tell. Slugs/headers. I'll try to focus more on story, characters, scenes etc...

I'll warn you, I don't have experience with comedy sit coms and have never written a comedy script. I think it's one of the most difficult genres to pursue. So of course take all of this with a grain of salt.

Overall, really nice job. Especially this being your first script. There's some truly funny stuff here and it has a lot of heart.

Right away I like Phil. He was a character that was easy to connect to for me. I think the picnic scene did a fair job of setting up his character and his relationship to J.T. Thought the scene with Sam and joey was really funny. I really like Sam's character. I think in terms of comedy this character was your strongest. He was subtle and unassuming. And for some reason could really picture him. A little like Micheal in the office but more of a self absorbed butt head. The problem I had was with the jumping around. You kind of do this a lot throughout and makes things a bit confusing. I have a hard time picturing exactly where I am.

Maybe you could set the first scene up a bit more. Give the reader a sense of what this ranch, company picnic looks like. There's a barn - a a food station - a stage with speakers and a mic - the outside of the ranch where Phil is helping a girl play softball. Where is all this stuff? maybe give some visual barring and that might help with the camera stuff. Instead of camera goes to Karen - Karen stands at the picnic table.

It did feel strange jumping from the picnic to the funeral. In some ways it all felt just a bit rushed. I would like to have an understanding of what his relationship was with his mom. It just felt a little forced in there.

The scene with Phil in the car crying, watching the couple, I didn't really get. i would think he would have some Idea why he was crying. Mom just died. Stuck in a 70 hr a week job that he doesn't like. Phil gives the impression of being emotionally intelligent. He cares about people. Helps. Watches people. Maybe if there was more of an arc. Phil starts out a bit repressed. A bit shy, introverted. Doesn't have to be much. But, too me, Phil comes off as someone that is very outgoing and comfortable in his own skin. Loveable. Maybe if there was more contrast some of these scene would make more sense.

I thought the bathroom scene with Joey, Sam and Phil was well done. Very funny.

The intro to Tyler, Grant was a little over the top especially when the belt comes off. I do like the characters though. But I think their's a tendency for two things: Staying in a scene to long, having too much fun with the dialogue. I think you could cut this scene by at least a page. And others. and the other is to throw in something and try to force a funny moment. I think your genuinely funny moments are situational. Like the bathroom scene or Sam giving the award to Joey. Really funny stuff. Don't get me wrong, I like these guys.

I also didn't think the scene served much of a purpose. And I don't know why Phil would come to these guys to tell them something that he's really struggling with. Feels a little forced.

Think the little flashback with the cops is not needed.

I do like the end where he gives the girl his car. It feels real. Like something Phil would actually do. But there wasn't really a change or arc for me. I feel he would have done this right in the beginning. Or maybe it's not the first time.

I do really like these characters and where your trying to take this. I wouldn't worry too much about all the technical stuff right now. Just focus on the characters and Phil. Ask does this feel real or forced. Does this serve a purpose or I am working to hard just to get a laugh.

You obviously have natural talent for comedy writing. And of course take what resonates, ignore what doesn't.

Overall enjoyed the read. Look forward to more. And like others said, first script, Awesome job!

Good luck, Phil!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
PhilyD
Posted: July 21st, 2014, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks Jimi,

I'm doing a major overhaul on this script. I've already started re-writing. Ajr did a really good job explaining "show, don't tell". Also, I enjoy writing like this much more. I like the new angle I'm going to take this. Hopefully I'll have the updated version uploaded in a month.

Thanks for all the advice and hopefully my next script reads fast, and I paint a good picture. See yeah soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
JimiLamp
Posted: July 21st, 2014, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
85
Posts Per Day
0.02
Right on, Phil. Look forward to it. Good luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 17
YaBoyTopher
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Arizona
Posts
79
Posts Per Day
0.01
Ok giving this a read.

My initial thought on page one is that you are telling us too much and not showing us these things. Example you tell us its the annual company picnic, you tell us 300-400 people show up every year, you tell us Phil and JT work as low level managers in a warehouse.

With writing a screenplay you need to show not tell,=.

Also no need to use the term Camera, If you wanna give any camera directions at all you could have simply used CUT TO or you could have just wrote " A long line of employees waiting to throw pies at CARL"

The trophy presentation with the man cleaning the toilet and the man standing over him giving a thumbs up was funny, clever.

The aunts humping and Licking caught me off guard but in a good way it was funny.

I am noticing a lack of description on some of your locations, on Page 9 you have INT. Work - Dawn, you say they are conducting an interview but where is this interview being conducted?

The sequence with him crying in the car and the cops approaching was humorous.

Overall this was a really good effort for your first screenplay and this has alot of potential, my main suggestion would be to work on showing us whats happening and not telling us. Also work on your descriptions, make sure the reader can envision where the scene takes place and what the characters look like.

This is definitely a funny premise and I look forward to reading your future re-writes and next episodes.

*EDIT*
Looking through the other comments it looks like other reviewers already hit on most of my thoughts and you are addressing it in a re-write, Sorry I didnt read the other comments before posting my review.


My posted Scripts:
"The First Date" - Short Comedy
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1405598063/s-0/#num1
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 17
eldave1
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 10:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Phil - you already got some good advice - so I won't repeat what you have already heard. Two  things you need to work on are (1) active versus passive voice and (2) unnecessary words. There are several instances throughout the script where this is a problem. Here is one example where both issues are evident.


Quoted Text
Phil’s staring at his deceased mother lying in her casket.


In active voice this would be:

Phil stares at his deceased mother lying in her casket.

So look at all of your description lines and whenever you see a word that ends in "ing" (e.g., walking, talking) and/or has an "Is" in front of it (e.g., is typing) see if you can't convert it to active voice (e.g., eldave is typing - should be - eldave types, etc.)

Then look for each unnecessary word. Let's use the corrected line as an example.


Quoted Text
Phil stares at his deceased mother lying in her casket.


Okay, now we got it in active voice. But do we need the word "deceased"? Would she be in the casket alive? Also - can we get rid of lying (an ing word). We can.

Phil stares at his mother in an open casket.   OR

Phil's mother rests in an open casket. He stares at her.

Anyway - go thru the script and look for this - best of luck.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006