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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Mindwalker - Table Read! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mindwalker - Table Read!  (currently 4459 views)
Equinox
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,


Quoted from TonyDionisio

Thorn,

Please get out of the habit of using "we" -- I thought I was alone reading this, scared me for a sec


I got out of that habit already but found it's commonly used in just about any TV script I got in my fingers. I'm not overdoing it, but it offers a different way of opening a sentence, so I used it.


Quoted Text

OVER BLACK:

RANDOM VOICES

CAR HORNS

ENGINES

It's not really background noises since you haven't established a foreground yet. Keep it simple as possible.

Next scene, same thing --

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT

Establishing.  (or you can mention any landmarks that are important to your story).

INTO A WINDOW OF

INT. SMALL APARTMENT - SAME

Nothing special.

ANDREW KINDERMAN, 25, unshaven, unshowered, lays on a couch. (How will you film that he ran out of blades 3 days ago?)


I found short sentences without repeating the subject a stylistic method of improving the flow. But I think opening just with single words seems a bit odd.


Quoted Text

ON ANDREW'S T.V.:

Need an age for Anna. Describe the suit. "Plays a government suit..." sounds a bit weird. I get it, but describe the suit, if it's even important.


Good point, cut too much and lost her age. Why would I describe the suit? I guess anybody can imagine a woman in a suit?


Quoted Text

"Like a criminal caught in the act, Andrew steps out of the
room and away from the treacherous boob tube." Don't like it. If he's infatuated with her, show him drooling at the screen, or hugging an autographed picture of her or something.


Hm, don't know why you don't like it. Drooling at the screen or hugging an autograph screams 'COMEDY' too much for my taste.


Quoted Text

"I need to hurry now, my wife's waiting with the diner." try: "I gotta go. No way I'm eating a cold dinner again." Unless you meant she is actually waiting besides a diner?


Thanks, will fix that.


Quoted Text

"The deserted building seems eerie at night. Only the ECHOS
of his FOOTSTEPS follow Andrew on his way to the lab. Ready
for the next crucifixion..." Eerie looking BUILDING. I don't care for the rest of the paragraph.


The rest of the paragraph pictures his expectation of Leroy's rant because he's late again.


Quoted Text

Pg. 4 Andrew runs, TEARS open a door, which should make a considerable amount of noise, sees everything, including 2 murderers ransacking a corpse's belongings, and then is able to close it and spy on them without them noticing? How far away are they?


Seems natural they wouldn't hear him run inside the building while they stand outside on the parking area. Unless they're right in front of the entrance they wouldn't notice the open door either.


Quoted Text

"...his head puffed out of the lab door..." I would change this a bit.


What's wrong with it?


Quoted Text

His buddy flips the light on and then their busted?


Yeah, when he switches the light on, the killers realize there's someone in the building. They turn to the door and see Andrew's silhouette through the door.


Quoted Text

"He runs upstairs. Aware of the danger he's in." ...runs up stairs, face petrified with fear. Pretty sure we all know he's in danger at this point.

"Driven by his fear of death, Andrew jumps up and runs on. He tries several doors as he passes by, no luck. All sealed."  Desperately runs, checks every door. All of them locked.


Good points.


Quoted Text

Last door... opens it. Now on the

ROOF

He's on the roof at this point and I doubt he'll hear the footsteps of the hit men following him from behind the door to the roof.


It's more likely he'll hear them storm through the staircase right behind him than them hearing him opening the door of the building.


Quoted Text

Good visual ending to the teaser -- a guy laying in a pool of blood on top of a truck roof. I think you can make the teaser read faster, cleaner and more intense.


Could probably cut another half page or so. Will try.


Quoted Text

"Readied up for a fight," Yuck. Give him a baseball bat, or a kitchen knife. Maybe something from the panic room, which I'm guessing has nothing to do with the rest of the story?


Had him pick up a tennis racket before but cut it out again.


Quoted Text

I like the Twilight Zone situation you have going on here.


Glad there's something you like


Quoted Text

So Ethan is a Pig who cheats. Good, create something for Anna to deal with and perhaps the Protag to take advantage later. Andrew knows this cuz he's doing the Patrick Swayze from Ghost. Can't wait to see if he tells her.


Yeah, that was the plan


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Equinox
Posted: November 25th, 2015, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Pg. 15, should really try to give each character intro his own paragraph, but I know it's hard when you're pressed for page space.


Characters play a minor part here, except William, so I focused on his description.


Quoted Text

"Leslie finds Andrew on the bed and is immediately agitated by the view." I think I figured this out but try not to use view... that suggests looking at scenery or something inanimate.


Thanks, will fix it.


Quoted Text

"Another man, FBI AGENT THOMAS JANKOVIC (27) turns around the
corner and enters the hallway." Another man??? Oh no, not another man! lol. Just start the sentence with FBI AGENT...


Makes sense, will change it.


Quoted Text

"The doctor flies over the pages of the printout." Skims through reads better, IMO.


Can't use skim over whenever somebody reads something. But I agree


Quoted Text

                  CHLOE
         I see... So you didn't separate
         from your body voluntarily.

I doubt a young girl holding a doll will start a sentence with: I see.


Hmm, don't know. She's dead and a ghost from the victorian era.


Quoted Text

Pg. 30 Bold the Flashback to. I actually missed it, read and had to go back from the V.O.'s Don't want that to happen to anyone.


Will do.


Quoted Text

Pg. 30 "His eyes move back to the apartment block." Looks at the apartment block.

Pg. 34  "After quite a while, the GIGGLES of two people are heard before the door opens up.  In front of Anna stands MELISSA, a hot redhead in her late twenties, only wearing a male's shirt and Ethan in his boxers hugging her from behind."

GIGGLES from within. Door opens to: MELISSA, late 20s, fire-red hair, hot bod barely covered by a man's button down shirt. Ethan draped over her, hands playfully pawing at her back side.

                   ANNA
          (about to explode)

Don't make about to, just make her explode!


Good points, will keep them in mind.


Quoted Text

                   ANNA
               (sobbing)
No, it's not. I'm actually glad you
told me, who knows how much longer
he would've jerked me around if you
hadn't. Seems like I'm too stupid
to realize when someone just takes
advantage of me.

An emotional woman who just got cheated on and is sobbing in the car with a ghost-stranger is not gonna speak rationally like this. You need to ramp this up more.


She's been speaking to him for quite a while now already, so she should've gotten used to his presence I think. Not sure about this, maybe you're right, but I can't really think of a good way to ramp it up any further here.


Quoted Text

Pg. 41 "Anna wears dark sunglasses and covers her face under a hood." Reads a bit messy.


She wears dark sunglasses. Her head's covered under a hoodie jacket. - maybe?


Quoted Text

Pg. 43 Capitalize America.


Why would anybody do that? joking...


Quoted Text

Pg. 46 She googled all the hospitals in NY? They must have some idea where to narrow down the search for his body.


Don't know. Maybe they could look for hospitals close to the campus first, but does it really matter?


Quoted Text

Pg 47,48 had me thinking about Venkman in Ghostbusters... rofl.


LOL, no idea where you take that association from It's not meant to be funny here. Her body reacts to the low frequency tones and 'unlocks' her paranormal abilities.


Quoted Text

Pg. 55 "William chases down the hallway and approaches his office." Chases reads awkwardly.


Rushes down, maybe?


Quoted Text

"As the words sink in, his expression turns to black despair." Black despair? What does that look like?


If my dictionary doesn't lie, it looks like complete hopelessness. He's forced to kill again, closer to getting caught and losing his family.


Quoted Text

Okay,

You created some intrigue here. The ending of each act wasn't particularly grand -- which is why I hate the act structure.


I think the act breaks are set exactly at the crucial turning points. Explaining Andrew's state, he's separated from his body. Chloe's reveal of the 'rules' of his state. The clue about William's involvement. Andrew & Anna learn about Leroy's death. Realize there's more to this than just a random robbery. Cliffhanger, William is ordered to kill her. I think the act breaks are at the perfect positions.


Quoted Text

I wasn't particularly invested in Andrew's character as much as I would have liked. I also think you could have distinguished individual voices a bit more, especially since you did introduce a large number of characters in a short time.


Yeah, that's still a weakness. I'm already glad if I have them talking in reasonable english voices at all, so I'll have to take that.


Quoted Text

Matthew's cliffhanger, while is a reason to tune in to episode 2, could have been set up better.


I guess you mean William here. How could it be set up better? He learns Anna probably knows about the killers. Asks his mystery bad guys for instructions. Is told (forced) to kill her.


Quoted Text

Overall, interesting mix of PG rated sci-fi themes. Nothing really too new. Missing a really geeky character. Andrew wasn't too much of one. Good Job.
Tony.


Thank you. The idea is to have a group of influential people construct something like a HAARP device and use it to remote control people. Unfolding all sorts of side-effect-paranormal abilities along the way (like someone separating from his body for example). Combined with the conspiracy plot about who is involved into all this. Fleshing out characters is still one of my major weaknesses as I said. It's problematic to convert more detailed characters with the language barrier. But I'm trying. Writing a few shorts next where I try to focus on characters, as an exercise, so to speak.

Thanks again for the read and your notes. Appreciate it.



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Equinox
Posted: December 16th, 2015, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Good news:

MINDWALKER was selected by the Wildsound festival, they are going to live peform it with real actors on their festival in February! This really made my day Really looking forward to see this happen!

I got a few really detailed notes, pointing me to grammar and word choice issues page-by-page for a rewrite I have to finish for the live performance.

Yay!

I can really recommend Wildsound, I submitted an earlier draft of this pilot there before, which got rejected, but the notes were also very helpful and helped me with this newer draft. So if you have 50 spare dollars and a TV pilot script, I can only recommend to give this a shot.



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Equinox  -  December 17th, 2015, 1:25am
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 16th, 2015, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Great news indeed,

Gl with the reading, Equi!

Update: On your mention, I went to Wildsound and listened to a few of the readings. Interesting to say the least. Not that I'm endorsing the service, but very interesting to hear a script read out loud and seriously done. Even looks like fun. I can't find the script pdf's on the site to read along with. Are they there?

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TonyDionisio  -  December 16th, 2015, 8:00pm
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Equinox
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,

I don't think they have the scripts hosted online. It's basically a contest with notes included in the entry fee and the winning prizes for the top 25 scripts I believe is a live read at the festival. The notes alone are value for money here, it's more detailed than the usual contest 1-2 paragraph feedback and I found both reviews really helpful, especially in my case where they sent notes pointing me to exactly the sentences in the script which need a grammar fix. Almost like a proof-read.



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Equinox  -  December 17th, 2015, 2:17am
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eldave1
Posted: December 17th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Very nice! - Congrats.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Don
Posted: February 17th, 2016, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 17th, 2016, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Congrats. I'll see if I can give this a read.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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