Hey Jim: There continue to be issues.
What does Teaser mean?
Quoted Text SUPER: FLASHBACK 1965
|
Two things wrong here:
1. A Super really means this is the word(s) that will appear on the screen. So unless you intended to have the word "FLASHBACK" appear on the screen (which would be really odd) then the Super should be "1965".
2.. A "Super" should be embedded in the scene - typically early because it has too be SUPER - imposed over something. In your script it would be something like:
EXT. BRONX/RUNDOWN ALLEYS - DAY
A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY. Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy.
SUPER: 1965
Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an
old, rotted wooden fence.
Quoted Text A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged Peurto Rican BOY. ....
|
You are still not writing in active voice.
This should be:
A young NYPD OFFICER
pursues a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY.
And I would go with something like "chases" rather then pursues.
Go through your entire script and key word search on "is" - "are" and "ing". If these appear in your description there is a chance you have written something in passive voice (i.e., you will have CHARACTER is doing something. - CHARACTERS are doing something. e.g.,
CHARACTER is driving a car - SHOULD BE - CHARACTER drives....
On the first page alone you some portion of dialogue in italics 5 times and in all 5, it is incorrect. I am guessing, but it looks like you are trying to have a character place emphasis on a word. If the is the case - underline is the correct approach IMO.
e.g.,
JIM
You are a liar.
DAVE
I'm a liar?
Keep in ind that in the vast majority of the cases you don't even need this - I have written 4 features and 3 shorts and I would guess in all those scripts combined I have used an underline for emphasis two or three times - let the actors and the directors figure out how to say the dialogue.
Quoted Text Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted wooden fence. |
The first sentence is odd - is a tackle really ever effortless???? Maybe something like - with the skill of a football player the COP tackles the boy - or - the cop leaps and tackles the boy ...
Whatever you want - but it's not effortless.
Turn off the MOREs and CONT'Ds - they disrupt the flow - I know how to do that it Final Draft - I am not familiar with CELTX if that is what you are using.
Your dialogue is better - more realistic.
Quoted Text Again, the Officer pushes the youngster’s face into the fence. The boy moans with pain, as blood is now trickling down from his nose and top lip. |
Keep the character ID consistent - BOY or YOUNGSTER - as a note - For clarity, I would have labeled him TEEN THUG from the start.
You don't need the "Again". If you want to separate this from the first push write something like - the office pushes even harder.
It should not be -
as blood is now trickling
down from his noseIt should be - as blood trickles down from.....
You will pick these and all the other ones up if you do the key word search I mentioned above.
Quoted Text Suddenly, from out of nowhere, we hear two gunshots - simultaneous with the sight of two blood spots on the Officer’s back. The Officer drops to the ground, as a man (about 35) appears from the side. The boy - still in handcuffs - squats down low while running with the man, fading out of sight
|
Avoid the "we hear" - "we see" phrases. It makes for non creative writing. Instead - CAPITALIZE the sounds.
You don't need "suddenly" - all gun shots are sudden. That approach is okay for novels - not for scripts.
You got the "ing" word in there again (running).
The man appearing from where? (I am assuming not thin air). And how can the boy run with him if he never approaches the boy?
Jim - when you write action, close your eyes - visualize one what you want us to see -
in order. In the above (I'm guessing) but I think it should be something like: -
BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance. Two blood spots spread on the Officer's shirt as he falls to the ground.
A MAN appears at the end of the alley - motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards the Man. They head down the street - out of sight.
Once you get the bones right - you can add or subtract based on your particular style or taste. For me, since this is a pivotal scene - I would want to add some character reaction. Something like:
The Boys eyes widen as he spots a SHADOWY FIGURE at the end of the alley.
BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance.
The Officer slumps forward - grabs the Boys shoulder for support. He looks down at two blood spots that ominously spread on his white police uniform. A look of doom crosses his face as he slides to the ground.
The SHADOWY figures motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards him.
Anyway- that's just a matter of taste. Not right or wrong.
I don't mean to be picky Jim - but these are items that you have to pay attention to.
Good luck and keep at it.