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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Frozen Blue Moderators: bert
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JimW
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey ThorstenL,

Thanks for the Trelby tip.  Dustin also told me about that method and I tried it, only to end up with the same issues as before.  I must be missing something, so will try again.

Regarding the Underline issue, I've seen dialogue with underlined key words.  I don't recall which scripts, specifically.  As for Italic Caps, I've been under the impression - perhaps, mistakenly - that the reason we use New Courier 12 is to replicate original typewriters.  To my recollection, they didn't have an Italic feature.  Again, I could be wrong, so thanks for the suggestion.  Please keep them coming!

Jim Waterous  
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JimW
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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Hey ThorstenL,

Just wanted to thank you again for pointing out the format issues.  I've just switched from Trelby to Celtx and have noticed a world of difference.  First and foremost, is the Italic feature and the much more user friendly Format structure.  Its also transfers to PDF with much greater ease.  I'm in the process of doing a complete rewrite, mindful of the issues that you and others brought to my attention.  It should be done within in the next couple of days.  Needless to say, I would definitely welcome/appreciate any further feedback from you and others at that time.

Take care,
Jim Waterous
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JimW
Posted: October 3rd, 2015, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey ThorstenL, eldave1, Erica, Forgive and Georgia (and others):

Would love some feedback from you fine folks who've given me some great input.  I've taken all of your advice into consideration and also discovered Celtx, which I believe has helped me iron out some of the format issues.  Have also re-worked some Dialogue and Action to downsize.

Thank you all for your great suggestions.  I hope you find this edition to at least be a step in the right direction.

Take care,
Jim Waterous
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eldave1
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jim: There continue to be issues.


Quoted Text
TEASER


What does Teaser mean?

Quoted Text

SUPER: FLASHBACK 1965


Two things wrong here:

1. A Super really means this is the word(s) that will appear on the screen. So unless you intended to have the word "FLASHBACK" appear on the screen (which would be really odd) then the Super should be "1965".

2.. A "Super" should be embedded in the scene - typically early because it has too be SUPER - imposed over something. In your script it would be something like:

EXT. BRONX/RUNDOWN ALLEYS - DAY

A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY. Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy.

SUPER: 1965

Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an
old, rotted wooden fence.



Quoted Text
A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY. ....


You are still not writing in active voice.

This should be:

A young NYPD OFFICER pursues a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY.

And I  would go with something like "chases" rather then pursues.

Go through your entire script and key word search on "is" - "are" and "ing". If these appear in your description there is a chance you have written something in passive voice (i.e., you will have CHARACTER is doing something. - CHARACTERS are doing something. e.g.,

CHARACTER is driving a car - SHOULD BE  - CHARACTER drives....

On the first page alone you some portion of dialogue in italics 5 times and in all 5, it is incorrect. I am guessing, but it looks like you are trying to have a character place emphasis on a word. If the is the case - underline is the correct approach IMO.

e.g.,

JIM
You are a liar.

DAVE
I'm a liar?

Keep in ind that in the vast majority of the cases you don't even need this - I have written 4 features and 3 shorts and I would guess in all those scripts combined I have used an underline for emphasis two or three times - let the actors and the directors figure out how to say the dialogue.


Quoted Text
Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted wooden fence.


The first sentence is odd - is a tackle really ever effortless???? Maybe something like - with the skill of a football player the COP tackles the boy - or - the cop leaps and tackles the boy ...

Whatever you want - but it's not effortless.

Turn off the MOREs and CONT'Ds - they disrupt the flow - I know how to do that it Final Draft - I am not familiar with CELTX if that is what you are using.

Your dialogue is better - more realistic.


Quoted Text
Again, the Officer pushes the youngster’s face into the
fence. The boy moans with pain, as blood is now trickling
down from his nose and top lip.


Keep the character ID consistent - BOY or YOUNGSTER - as a note - For clarity, I would have labeled him TEEN THUG from the start.

You don't need the "Again". If you want to separate this from the first push write something like - the office pushes even harder.

It should not be -  as blood is now trickling
down from his nose


It should be - as blood trickles down from.....

You will pick these and all the other ones up if you do the key word search I mentioned above.


Quoted Text
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, we hear two gunshots -
simultaneous with the sight of two blood spots on the
Officer’s back. The Officer drops to the ground, as a man
(about 35) appears from the side. The boy - still in
handcuffs - squats down low while running with the man,
fading out of sight


Avoid the "we hear" - "we see" phrases. It makes for non creative writing. Instead - CAPITALIZE the sounds.

You don't need "suddenly" - all gun shots are sudden. That approach is okay for novels - not for scripts.

You got the "ing" word in there again (running).

The man appearing from where? (I am assuming not thin air). And how can the boy run with him if he never approaches the boy?

Jim - when you write action, close your eyes - visualize one what you want us to see - in order. In the above (I'm guessing) but I think it should be something like: -

BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance. Two blood spots spread on the Officer's shirt as he falls to the ground.

A MAN appears at the end of the alley - motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards the Man. They head down the street - out of sight.

Once you get the bones right - you can add or subtract based on your particular style or taste. For me, since this is a pivotal scene - I would want to add some character reaction. Something like:

The Boys eyes widen as he spots a SHADOWY FIGURE at the end of the alley.

BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance.

The Officer slumps forward - grabs the Boys shoulder for support. He looks down at two blood spots that ominously spread on his white police uniform. A look of doom crosses his face as he slides to the ground.

The SHADOWY figures  motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards him.

Anyway- that's just a matter of taste. Not right or wrong.

I don't mean to be picky Jim - but these are items that you have to pay attention to.

Good luck and keep at it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

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eldave1  -  October 4th, 2015, 1:11pm
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JimW
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey eldave1,

Thanks for all the great pointers, as always.  I remember your advice last time about using chase instead of foot pursuit.  I was just concerned that the word chase might be perceived as the cop driving.

As for the italic/underline issue, my last submission used underlining, as my research also supported that option.  However, another writer posted a comment that it was wrong, to use italics.  When I switched to Celtx, I saw that I had an italic option that was unavailable with Trelby, so I decided to use it.  

As for the 'Teaser' comment, I've noticed it used often with TV scripts.  

As for all other comments, they are much appreciated.  I see what you mean about the passive observation.  It is definitely something for me to work on.  You may have noticed that I took your advice about not having Mitch O'Toole shot in the head, that it would be an unlikely premise for a cryonic experiment.

Thanks again, eldave1!  Lots of great advice for which I am most thankful.

Jim Waterous
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eldave1
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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No problem- good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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