SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 9:05am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Frozen Blue Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Frozen Blue  (currently 7722 views)
Don
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Frozen Blue by Jim Waterous - Series - Shot to death in 1965, a 27 year old NYPD cop is cryogenically frozen and brought back to life 50 years later, trying to rejoin the hi-tech Force of 2015.  If that’s not challenging enough, imagine the unprecedented family dynamic of still being 27 with a son who's 51 (also a cop), a 'widow', 76, and a granddaughter, 19, with the hots for you! 51 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 16th, 2015, 1:36pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
TonyDionisio
Posted: June 24th, 2015, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Jim,

Interesting title. Logline needs a lot of work. 1-2 sentences. Flipping around,  you have large blocks of action and large blocks of dialog that need to be cut.

Your very first paragraph - it's Puerto Rican.  

Way too many 'we see'

Pg 42 you just end mid dialog. Do you have the correct version uploaded?

Tony
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 35
JimW
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 8:28am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you for your comments Tony!  As a newcomer to this form of writing, I appreciate any and all feedback.  I will be doing an update to the script later today, to include the correct spelling of Puerto Rican.  I guess that's what I get for using the Canadian English program in my computer!  As for the comment regarding mid dialogue, I accidently submitted the first 5 pages of the second episode.  I thought I had deleted pages 38 to 42.  

Thanks again,
Jim Waterous
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 35
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

I truly believe that there are several ingredients conducive to a compelling, entertaining TV series.



The above puts me off reading your script. Obviously you truly believe this to be the case or you wouldn't have written it, surely?

It screams amateur.

Let's see what happens when I open it up.

And my assumption is confirmed. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but there's a very good chance that anyone in a professional capacity receiving this script will bin it before opening it... should they open it they would realise that they shouldn't have bothered.

Code

FADE IN



FADE IN:

If you'd have left FADE IN: out I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, but as you have used it then you should learn how to do so properly.


Code

EXT DAY



Again, wrongly formatted. You need EXT. PLACE WHERE WE ARE - DAY for it to be correct.

They may seem like little inconsequential things to you, but they show me that you haven't really spent much time understanding the rules of this game.

Then we get to your writing. I haven't read it yet, but I am presented with 10 lines of action. Nobody should ever need 10 lines of action.

Code

We see a young NYPD officer in foot pursuit of a
teenaged boy through alleys and lane ways in a mixed
commercial and residential area of the Bronx.  The
officer is clearly gaining on the boy, who appears to
be Porto Rican. The cop tackles the youth from behind
and while the perp is still face down against the
pavement, cuffs him. The officer then grabs the boy -
who is about 6 feet tall and very thin – and stands him
upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted wooden
fence that’s as high as the youngster is tall.



And there it is. Where to begin?

All characters should be capped on first introduction.

Let's take the first sentence:

Code

We see a young NYPD officer in foot pursuit of a
teenaged boy through alleys and lane ways in a mixed
commercial and residential area of the Bronx.



A young NYPD OFFICER chases a tall teenage BOY through
alleys and lane ways.

You should alert us to the fact this is set in the BRONX, by placing it in the slug, like so: EXT. BRONX - DAY

Try not to go over 4 lines of action per block. Write by camera shot. If the camera moves to a new shot, or something different happens, try starting a new action line.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 29th, 2015, 1:17pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 35
JimW
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, Justin.  I found nothing inconsequential at all.  I truly appreciate your candid insight.

Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 35
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from JimW
Thank you, Justin.  I found nothing inconsequential at all.  I truly appreciate your candid insight.

Jim Waterous


No problem, Dim.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 35
DS
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.10
Jim,

To add to the rest of the comments, it doesn't seem like this was written in any screenwriting software. Screenplays are written in 12 point Courier, the font size is a lot bigger here. The title page should be on a separate page from the script and page numbers should be in the right corner. Apart from that, there are slug lines unnecessarily broken up into multiple lines, superfluous fade in's and outs between scenes, and wordy descriptions. In a traditional screenplay sense, instead of 42 pages, you probably have something between 20-30 here.

It doesn't look like you're using any screenwriting software. You should look into getting one -- Trelby, WriterDuet and Celtx are all free or have free versions.

I thought the first scene looked good, with a nice transition to the funeral, the presentation with the format and writing just shoots everything down. I recommend reading scripts, it's the best way to get a grasp on the format.

Welcome to the boards as well. Stick around, contribute by reading other people's scripts and joining in on discussions.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 35
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 29th, 2015, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Don't be scared away, Jim. Rewrite with the advice I've given you then I will help some more. Contributing to this site will accelerate your learning.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 35
JimW
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 12:37am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, everyone for the extremely helpful comments.  I have taken all of your suggestions into consideration and revised the entire script, which I just re-submitted moments ago.  Assuming it may take a few days to re-appear, I would again appreciate any feedback based on the changes.  After shortening the lines of action and reducing the font size, DS was absolutely correct, in that it went from 42 to 28 pages.

And Dustin, I sincerely apologize for mixing up the D with a J.  I loved the well deserved 'Dim' comeback!

Thanks again, and hope to hear from you all soon.

Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 35
TonyDionisio
Posted: June 30th, 2015, 9:56am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20

Quoted from DustinBowcot



They may seem like little inconsequential things to you, but they show me that you haven't really spent much time understanding the rules of this game.



Well said. Even if some people think the rules don't apply to them or want to change them, they indeed are there. Just embrace em. After all, they aren't very hard to follow.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 35
Georgia
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 7:21am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
9
Posts Per Day
0.00
I've only read a few pages but already I can tell that dialogue is something you should work on. I didn't respond favourably to the first lines of dialogue on Pg 1:

"COP: Do you have any ID you useless bastard?"

"BOY: Leave me alone cop?"

"BOY: Leave me alone pig"

It didn't feel natural to me at all. I'm not a big believer in writing dialogue designed to emulate the way people actually talk day-to-day in real life. Rather I think that screenwriting dialogue should sound like real people at their most clear, colourful and concise. This dialogue didn't really work for me, unfortunately. Would the boy really address the cop as "cop"? I'm not sure. If you are trying to alert the audience to the fact that the guy's a cop, don't worry about it because presumably we can see that from his uniform. Maybe I'd find it more palatable if it was clearer that English was not the boy's first language, so he has fewer insulting terms at his disposal so he resorts to "cop" and "pig". That might work.

Likewise with "You didn't hear my son, copper? He said he didn't do nothin'" which feels a little bit like you are trying to smuggle in the fact that the boy is his son. You might have to make this fact clear in some other, more subtle way if you don't want the dialogue to feel forced.  

Pg 2 "Out of apparent nowhere" is not proper idiomatic English. "Out of nowhere" would be better. Watch out for this type of stuff.

Pg 3 Gabriel's first monologue needs breaking up. It is too long and wordy. You try to pack way too much information into the sentences which run on for clause after clause.

The same can be said of Lettinger's speech that immediately follows: too dense, too much info (names, dates etc.)

I won't read on right now because I can see that there are more long monologues ahead.

I'd advise you to break some of these up and try to think of more concise ways of conveying all this information either through action or dialogue. If you go ahead and try to remedy some of the above, I'd be happy to give it a second go.

Good luck
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 35
JimW
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, Georgia.  I really appreciate the valuable critique.  I am in the process of a third re-write, this time with a software program.  I hope to submit it in the next couple of days.  Admittedly, it has been a challenge for me to overcome as far as downsizing the dialogue.  I've already cut it down somewhat and would appreciate your effort, if possible, to offer further feedback.

Thanks again,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 35
Erica
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.02
Just wondering, is this suppose to be a half hour show or an hour.  The dialogue gives a lot of information that I'm wondering if it's all necessary.  I see in the logline that's it's suppose to be a comedy, but I'm not picking up this theme as I read.  

After your opening scene I don't see anything about him being frozen and why he was frozen.  I'm a little confused at this point.  Now 50 years later they want to bring him back.  If you look at Robocop, there was a reason as to turn him into a robot, part greed on the corporation and part to save his life.

Looking ahead in the script, I see more explanation of what's going on which leads me to believe all the dialogue at the beginning is filler.

I think in my opinion, you need to make the story simple.  It can work but just don't fill it up with all kinds of unnecessary  dialogue.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 35
Forgive
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1373
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hi Jim - one suggestion I have is to break this into five-minute/page sections.

That would give you time to get at least one 'event that matters' in to each one, as at its current length you're simply repeating the same mistakes over and over.

If you could get a five-pager up, you'd get feedback on how to get that right, and then then move on to a longer piece.

My 2p.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 35
JimW
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, Erica.  You bring up some very compelling points.  To answer your first question, it is designed as a 1 hour pilot episode.  I guess I should have been more clear in the logline, as it is meant to be a drama, with some humorous twists around the 50 year culture and tech conflicts.  Looking at it honestly and in spite of my attempt at humour, I don't think it could even pass as a dramedy.    

As the pilot episode, I was trying to set the table for what I'm hoping to be picked up as a series.  You're not alone in your observations of the lengthy dialogue.  Perhaps in my attempt to leave no question unanswered, I over compensated.

As for the reason behind bringing him back, I had hoped to make that clear by the personal connection between the Cryonics CEO, his father, the father of the subject and the subject's story within itself.

As I mentioned to Georgia, I am doing a third re-write which I hope to submit over the next couple of days.  I will definitely take your observations into consideration as well.

Thanks again,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 35
JimW
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thanks, Forgive.  Definitely a concept to consider.  I will have to research the dos and don'ts of such a format.  I would definitely appreciate any further insight, if possible.

Sincerest thanks,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 35
Erica
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
49
Posts Per Day
0.02
The one thing to remember most is to take every bit of criticism with a grain of salt (minus the formatting errors).  It's always best to take the suggestions of others put them in a pot, pull out the common ones and look at them.  Al least that's what I've read anyways.

The concept can work, just look at the movie Blast from the past.  The one thing the movie had was keep it simple.  Best of luck and I look forward to reading the next version.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 35
eldave1
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Jim:

I read the first few pages along with the comments by the other posters - they are correct. This needs a lot of work.

Now the good news is that you have a fabulous attitude. You take the criticism well and obviously want to learn - good on ya.

My suggestion would be not to do a complete re-write yet. I don't think you're ready. Instead, do some homework - read some other scripts for examples of scene headings, action blocks, etc. (there are several shorts on this site that are easy reads) and start honing the basic craft.

You also need to Google some basic screen writing structure to start getting you to use the tools you will need. Here are a couple of quick examples:

http://scripped.com/help/nav/_screenplay_basics

http://slugline.co/basics/

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Formatting/Formatting_II/formatting_ii.html

There are tons of other sites out there that will help with the basics.

And after you have picked up some of the basics - then write one page and post that for feedback.

All the best of luck to you. Like I said - you have the perfect frame of mind to learn this stuff.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 35
Dark Shape
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
24
Posts Per Day
0.00
Learning the ropes is tough, especially when you're dealing with format, but always remember: you control format, Jim, it doesn't control you.  Write what you see in your head.  If it's an intense scene, write it so it reads as intense.  If you're trying to be funny, the script itself should be funny.  Every word you choose defines how your script feels, not just the lines coming out of characters' mouths.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 35
JimW
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you Erica.  Great suggestions.  I look forward to more feedback with the re-write, if you'd again be so kind.

Best regards,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 35
JimW
Posted: July 30th, 2015, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Thank you, Eldave1.  Truly appreciate the hints, suggestions and especially, the links.  I will definitely check them out.  

I honestly thought that I had done a fair bit of homework, but you can never learn too much.  I'm most grateful for the candor, from yourself and all the others.  Criticism that is direct and to the point is not only very useful, it also saves a lot of time.

On a personal note - as previously mentioned - I truly enjoyed The Last Statesman.  I look forward to reading some of your other works, not only as homework in itself, but also for the entertainment value.

Thanks again,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 35
JimW
Posted: August 29th, 2015, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
For those of you who read the Discussion Board first, I'm pleased to re-submit my recent upgrade of Frozen Blue - Pilot.

Based on the advice of DS, I used the Trelby scriptwriting software, which I thoroughly enjoyed working with.  However, when it came time to submit the script to Simply Scripts, it needed to be converted to a PDF file.  That's where the fun started!  After downloading a PDF conversion software program and doing the conversion from Trelby, it required some serious editing! Thanks to webmaster Don's patience, I've resent a revised PDF conversion.  In the process between my computer and the website, you will see some margin issues and pages that carry over in mid-dialogue, which I was sure were alleviated before the re-submission.  

Please bare these issues in mind, as you peruse this submission.  Many of you provided me with great insight and critique, which was very much appreciated.  I hope you find this submission to reflect the advice I was given.  

As previously mentioned, I would be most grateful for any and all comments.

Best regards,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 35
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 1:50am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Trelby should convert to .pdf for you without the need of a third party program. I have Trelby, but I've never used it to write a whole script. I'll start the program and see whagwaan.

OK, it seems simple enough. Click the tab that says print to .pdf, then when that screen comes up, click 'FILE', scroll down to SAVE  and then select the location you wish to save it to. Click save and a .pdf of your work will appear in the location you asked it to.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 22 - 35
eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
In my opinion - a better effort than the original. A caution here: I am not familiar with the differences between writing a script for a TV series vs a Film. So, there may be some errors in the comments:


Quoted Text
EXT. BRONX - DAY


This will be true of all scene headings - look for the opportunity to provide more detail. In this example - no information on where we actually are (Bronx is a pretty big area). You can go with more detail. e.g.,

EXT. DOWNTOWN BRONX/ALLEY WAY - DAY

Doesn't have to be specifically that - but I'm sure you get the picture. Look for chances to put relevant detail in your scene headings and then you don't have to repeat them in the description.


Quoted Text
A young NYPD Officer is in foot pursuit of a tall,
teenaged Peurto Rican BOY through rundown alleys.
Effortlessly, the COP tackles the boy, cuffs him and
stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted
wooden fence.


The action is fine - but there are some issues. First - active voice vs, passive voice. Rather than:

"A young NYPD Officer is in foot pursuit"

Go with:

A young NYPD OFFICE pursues ......

I would also go with the character indemnification first - you call your guy both a NYPD officer and later a COP. Go with one or the other. e.g.,

A young COP pursues a tall, teenaged Peurto Rican
BOY through rundown alleys. He tackles the boy, cuffs him and
stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted
wooden fence.


Quoted Text
COP
The one that 4 people saw you take
after you punched her in the head
and knocked her over.


I think 4 should be spelled out.


Quoted Text
BOY
I don't know what you’re talkin'
'bout. I didn't steal nothin'!


Why the quotation marks (') - you do this in several places in the script.


Quoted Text
As the cop starts turning around, the man pulls out a gun
and shoots him in the side of the head. The cop drops to
the ground. The boy - still in cuffs, squatting down and
staying low - runs with the man as they fade out of sight.


In many cases where you have an "ing" action word - you can make an improvement by changing to active voice (i.e., character - action , rather than "Action-Character.)

The above would read better as:

As the Cop turns ....

Again - look for this throughout the script.

There are several areas where you tell us detail that should be demonstrated through exposition. e.g.,


Quoted Text
Danny Flanny's is a Manhattan bar which has been a
favourite haunt for many of New York's finest since 1974.
It opened by Danny Flannigan, a retired cop who served in
the NYPD for 28 years after he returned home as a decorated
soldier from WWII. Still alive at 92, he's known for
14 occasionally stopping by for a shot of whisky with a pint
of beer.


I notice a couple of instances where you - introduced a character in the middle of the dialogue (Douglass I think) and one or two where you didn't CAP them when you inroduced them (Jeannie I think).

Okay - that is enough for the nit stuff - just keep in mind that you have these problems throughout the script and they need to be fixed. The rest will focus on the story.

IMO, the general premise is a very one for a series.

I did not like the humor element at the Dignified Lab in the first act. It totally took me out of the story and did not seem genuine. Yeah, you could have had a few corpsicles jokes amongst the lower staff - but it went way over the top and IMO was the wrong tone. Don't get me wrong - humor is fine. I just don't think with this theme you want to get your laughs from jokes - I think you should get your chuckles from the smaller moments of a man adapting to life 50 years later - there will be a ton of chances there.

Just a random thought - you may want to consider moving the original 2015  and the present day story to 2065.

The news reports of O'Tooles revival came much too early in the story for me. I don't think it should really hit the press until after the Lab is certain that he is alive and well.

Why have O'Toole shot in the head?? Have him shot somewhere else - it forms a much more reasonable basis for recovery and might explain a little bit more why they picked him (e.g., would they really take a guy with a head wound as their first attempt at cryo?)

The Mitch awakening scene needs work - he gets back to okay dokay way too soon.

The dialogue regarding his daughter being a lesbian and his wife a nut job drunk is very forced (i.e., not natural) and absolutely not needed. Jim - this is going to be a series - you don't need to tell us everything about everyone out of the gate. Mitch doesn't need to find these things out about his daughter/wife right out of the cyro coma - let it percolate a bit an unravel in a more natural timeline.

Again - this was better. But you still need some work. And again - an excellent premise.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  August 30th, 2015, 12:36pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 35
JimW
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Dave,

Thank you very much for the thorough feedback and suggestions.  They're all definitely worth consideration.

To answer your question about the ('s) throughout, they are meant to be apostrophes indicating contracted words, ie "talkin' 'bout", as slang instead of "talking about".  I was thinking that the slang would make the dialogue more realistic.

As for the comments about Mitch's quick turnaround from the cryo coma, I was wondering myself if that would fly, which was why I added the dialogue between the doctors about the "neurosurgeon's miracle".  That and the character traits of the wife and daughter being too early, are well taken.  I guess I was trying to cram as much as I could in the pilot to create intrigue about how Mitch will react.

Thanks again, Dave!
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 35
eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
You are welcome - good luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 35
JimW
Posted: August 30th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Dustin,

Thanks for the tips with the Trelby PDF situation.  Don the webmaster, also made that suggestion to me.  Having Adobe as my system, it wouldn't let be follow those links without trying to sell me a new program.  I downloaded a free PDF conversion program, but I guess we get what we pay for!  There is another program that someone suggested to me that I will give a try, once I have fleshed out other issues.

Thanks again, though.
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 35
Equinox
Posted: September 3rd, 2015, 11:18am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Jim,

I'm writing mostly TV pilots/episodes myself so I was flying over yours. Your format is all wrong, really. This has never been written with Trelby, because I use Trelby myself and your indentation is all wrong. With Trelby your dialog blocks would have the correct indentations. Trelby also has an act break item, if you used it your TEASER wouldn't be all left of the page.

A couple more things:

* There is no such thing like
END OF SCENE, FADE OUT

in a screenplay. Either use FADE OUT as transition (then it's indented to the right border of the page) or leave it out completely.

* There's also no
JULY - PRESENT YEAR

centered on the page.

If this is meant to be a text you want to show, in Trelby you can use the Shot Item for this and write
SUPER: JULY - PRESENT YEAR

Some define shots to be written in italic caps (I'm one of them).

* On page 18 you write:

"
EXT. DIGNIFIED LAB -DAY

Establish location
"

Well, the location doesn't magically establish itself, it's your job to do so. Instead you can write something like

EXT. DIGNIFIED LAB - ESTABLISHING
followed by a 2-3 lines descriptive action block.

Establishing scenes are meant to be short introductionary scenes. A typical example is a panning shot over a city or some interesting place like time square (to indicate we are in N.Y.) for example. Not sure if this would work well for a lab.

* What are the underlined parts in the dialogs meant to be?

* text in parenthesis as addition to dialog is written in all non-capital letters, yours are all CAPS

Besides the format issues, you should also try to read a bit about TV script structure.
You can find a good idea of it here:

TV One Hour Drama Structure

or here:

Television Script Format

It is also common to use act breaks in a tv script, Trelby supports them and you should use them.

Good luck!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 35
JimW
Posted: September 3rd, 2015, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey ThorstonL,

Thank you for the advice and suggestions regarding the format issues, especially the links.

Regarding Trelby, I did, in fact use the program.  Admittedly, it would appear that I have more to learn as far as proper use of the software.  As I explained previously, I ran into some major snags converting to PDF format.  A couple of folks were very helpful in explaining how to do that.  However, it seems that with my Adobe program, I couldn't follow the advised procedures without having to purchase additional software.  Being the cheap Bastard that I am, I found a free program on line to do the conversion.  Again, as previously mentioned, I guess we get what we pay for.  I had to manually reset the margins, after everything was thrown all out of whack.  Another problem I had with Trelby was finding an Underline feature.  It would appear that I wasn't the only one with that problem, as there were others who made blog postings of that concern on the Trelby website.  When the PDF Conversion changed it from Trelby to a Word document, I was able to underline key words in the Dialogue, which brings me to your question about exactly that.  From reading other advice authorities such as Dr. Format, it was suggested that key words, or words that need to be emphasized should be underlined not upper cased or italicized.

Thank you again, and please keep the comments coming.

Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 35
Equinox
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 6:55am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Jim,

you don't need any extra tool to convert to PDF, in Trelby just click File->Print(via PDF).
About underlining key words, I've never seen any script which does that.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 35
JimW
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey ThorstenL,

Thanks for the Trelby tip.  Dustin also told me about that method and I tried it, only to end up with the same issues as before.  I must be missing something, so will try again.

Regarding the Underline issue, I've seen dialogue with underlined key words.  I don't recall which scripts, specifically.  As for Italic Caps, I've been under the impression - perhaps, mistakenly - that the reason we use New Courier 12 is to replicate original typewriters.  To my recollection, they didn't have an Italic feature.  Again, I could be wrong, so thanks for the suggestion.  Please keep them coming!

Jim Waterous  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 35
JimW
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 8:44am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey ThorstenL,

Just wanted to thank you again for pointing out the format issues.  I've just switched from Trelby to Celtx and have noticed a world of difference.  First and foremost, is the Italic feature and the much more user friendly Format structure.  Its also transfers to PDF with much greater ease.  I'm in the process of doing a complete rewrite, mindful of the issues that you and others brought to my attention.  It should be done within in the next couple of days.  Needless to say, I would definitely welcome/appreciate any further feedback from you and others at that time.

Take care,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 35
JimW
Posted: October 3rd, 2015, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey ThorstenL, eldave1, Erica, Forgive and Georgia (and others):

Would love some feedback from you fine folks who've given me some great input.  I've taken all of your advice into consideration and also discovered Celtx, which I believe has helped me iron out some of the format issues.  Have also re-worked some Dialogue and Action to downsize.

Thank you all for your great suggestions.  I hope you find this edition to at least be a step in the right direction.

Take care,
Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 35
eldave1
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Hey Jim: There continue to be issues.


Quoted Text
TEASER


What does Teaser mean?

Quoted Text

SUPER: FLASHBACK 1965


Two things wrong here:

1. A Super really means this is the word(s) that will appear on the screen. So unless you intended to have the word "FLASHBACK" appear on the screen (which would be really odd) then the Super should be "1965".

2.. A "Super" should be embedded in the scene - typically early because it has too be SUPER - imposed over something. In your script it would be something like:

EXT. BRONX/RUNDOWN ALLEYS - DAY

A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY. Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy.

SUPER: 1965

Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an
old, rotted wooden fence.



Quoted Text
A young NYPD OFFICER is in foot pursuit of a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY. ....


You are still not writing in active voice.

This should be:

A young NYPD OFFICER pursues a tall, teen aged
Peurto Rican BOY.

And I  would go with something like "chases" rather then pursues.

Go through your entire script and key word search on "is" - "are" and "ing". If these appear in your description there is a chance you have written something in passive voice (i.e., you will have CHARACTER is doing something. - CHARACTERS are doing something. e.g.,

CHARACTER is driving a car - SHOULD BE  - CHARACTER drives....

On the first page alone you some portion of dialogue in italics 5 times and in all 5, it is incorrect. I am guessing, but it looks like you are trying to have a character place emphasis on a word. If the is the case - underline is the correct approach IMO.

e.g.,

JIM
You are a liar.

DAVE
I'm a liar?

Keep in ind that in the vast majority of the cases you don't even need this - I have written 4 features and 3 shorts and I would guess in all those scripts combined I have used an underline for emphasis two or three times - let the actors and the directors figure out how to say the dialogue.


Quoted Text
Effortlessly, the cop tackles the boy. cuffs him and stands him upright, pushing his face into an old, rotted wooden fence.


The first sentence is odd - is a tackle really ever effortless???? Maybe something like - with the skill of a football player the COP tackles the boy - or - the cop leaps and tackles the boy ...

Whatever you want - but it's not effortless.

Turn off the MOREs and CONT'Ds - they disrupt the flow - I know how to do that it Final Draft - I am not familiar with CELTX if that is what you are using.

Your dialogue is better - more realistic.


Quoted Text
Again, the Officer pushes the youngster’s face into the
fence. The boy moans with pain, as blood is now trickling
down from his nose and top lip.


Keep the character ID consistent - BOY or YOUNGSTER - as a note - For clarity, I would have labeled him TEEN THUG from the start.

You don't need the "Again". If you want to separate this from the first push write something like - the office pushes even harder.

It should not be -  as blood is now trickling
down from his nose


It should be - as blood trickles down from.....

You will pick these and all the other ones up if you do the key word search I mentioned above.


Quoted Text
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, we hear two gunshots -
simultaneous with the sight of two blood spots on the
Officer’s back. The Officer drops to the ground, as a man
(about 35) appears from the side. The boy - still in
handcuffs - squats down low while running with the man,
fading out of sight


Avoid the "we hear" - "we see" phrases. It makes for non creative writing. Instead - CAPITALIZE the sounds.

You don't need "suddenly" - all gun shots are sudden. That approach is okay for novels - not for scripts.

You got the "ing" word in there again (running).

The man appearing from where? (I am assuming not thin air). And how can the boy run with him if he never approaches the boy?

Jim - when you write action, close your eyes - visualize one what you want us to see - in order. In the above (I'm guessing) but I think it should be something like: -

BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance. Two blood spots spread on the Officer's shirt as he falls to the ground.

A MAN appears at the end of the alley - motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards the Man. They head down the street - out of sight.

Once you get the bones right - you can add or subtract based on your particular style or taste. For me, since this is a pivotal scene - I would want to add some character reaction. Something like:

The Boys eyes widen as he spots a SHADOWY FIGURE at the end of the alley.

BANG - BANG - gunshots from the distance.

The Officer slumps forward - grabs the Boys shoulder for support. He looks down at two blood spots that ominously spread on his white police uniform. A look of doom crosses his face as he slides to the ground.

The SHADOWY figures  motions to the boy. The boy, still in
handcuffs runs towards him.

Anyway- that's just a matter of taste. Not right or wrong.

I don't mean to be picky Jim - but these are items that you have to pay attention to.

Good luck and keep at it.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  October 4th, 2015, 1:11pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 33 - 35
JimW
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Posts
19
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey eldave1,

Thanks for all the great pointers, as always.  I remember your advice last time about using chase instead of foot pursuit.  I was just concerned that the word chase might be perceived as the cop driving.

As for the italic/underline issue, my last submission used underlining, as my research also supported that option.  However, another writer posted a comment that it was wrong, to use italics.  When I switched to Celtx, I saw that I had an italic option that was unavailable with Trelby, so I decided to use it.  

As for the 'Teaser' comment, I've noticed it used often with TV scripts.  

As for all other comments, they are much appreciated.  I see what you mean about the passive observation.  It is definitely something for me to work on.  You may have noticed that I took your advice about not having Mitch O'Toole shot in the head, that it would be an unlikely premise for a cryonic experiment.

Thanks again, eldave1!  Lots of great advice for which I am most thankful.

Jim Waterous
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 35
eldave1
Posted: October 4th, 2015, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
No problem- good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 35
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006