A student union bar is being overwhelmed by drunken students set to a soundtrack of sporadic selections of cheesy music that matches their mood and movements.

Seemingly somehow oblivious or perhaps just apathetic to the madness engulfing him at the front of the queue TOM stares into the distance lost in his thoughts.

We're drawn to this handsome 20 something year old and his sense of calm becomes our sense of calm drowning out the surrounding chaos and thumping music with a serene stillness.

( BARTENDER (O.S.) distorted )
What do you want? Hello? What do you want?

The outside world begins to filter back in led by the jarring vibration of a phone alert. The vibration gets louder and louder as Tom absentmindedly reaches for his pocket still staring into the distance.

The vibration sound reaches a crescendo and Tom is barged back into reality by a male STUDENT leaving the scene satisfied with his latest haul of drinks he can't really afford.

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This is about as overwritten as I have ever read. The phrase that applies here is "save it for the novel."

"Seemingly somehow oblivious.."; poetic.

As is

"...his sense of calm becomes our sense of calm..."

Even in a novel I am not drawn to this handsome guy nor do I have his sense of calm. You can't shoot that stuff so leave it out. This is a script, not poetry or a novel.

What I get from this is Tom is spaced out in a bar and two moments get his attention, period.

NOTE: in classic style I read and comment then later read other comments, which my sentiments mirror.

INT. POTTEROW STUDENT UNION - DOWNSTAIRS BAR AREA - NIGHT

A hoard of drunken students are overwhelming the bar from all angles as their animated conversations compete with the loud, cheesy pop music blaring in the background.

TOM, a handsome young man in his 20s, stands at the front of the bar calmly waiting his turn unbothered by the commotion.

A young BARTENDER pours drought beer into a seemingly endless supply of plastic cups.

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That's more like it.

I'd say "drunk students overwhelm," not "drunk students are overwhelming."

I might get specific about cheesy. Latest eletronic pop?

"..handsome young" and "in his 20's" is redundant so you can delete young.

"Calmly waiting" and "unbothered" are redundant as well.

I personally don't like using the word "seemingly."

Learned well, you did.

I read the first 10 and nothing jumps out for me in this story.