Gary,

Well weitten.


Pg. 10 Missed a S on the end of throws.

Pg. 13 Just mention debirs, not Yacht Debris.

We find out they are murderous thugs all of a sudden? Kinda weird to see that.

Just say the helicopter is over a debris field.

"The wind generated by the helicopter blades whips the water." Is this important?

"A Coast Guard cutter rests near the area. A dinghy carrying
divers from the cutter pulls to a stop near the wreckage and
the divers enter the water."  Reads awkward.

Pg. 18 and I'm really not sure what this about or who the protag is. I had to go back and look at the logline.

Pg. 20 the whole explaining of the sat phone and then it rings is just too conveinent.

You like your intercuts, I see.

Mid 30s - a lot of dialog. story seems to have stopped a bit.

"Jerod and Rafael sense it’s about to go down and they go for
their weapons." I would avoid stuff like this.

"The element of surprise means it’s over very quickly." Show us how this happens.

I dunno,

Good idea. Poorly executed with way too much tell. I didn't see any characters I wanted to attach to.

GL

Tony

Tony, thanks for taking the time to look over this and your comments, including the corrections that needed to be made.  I'm glad you thought it was well-written and that it was a good idea, and I'll try to work on getting more of the "show" into the script and less of the "tell", as you suggested.

Thanks again!
Gary

Hey all,

I completely renovated this script and it is (at least in my view) infinitely better now. Lots more fun and action. Some very strong female characters here as well.

Here is a link to the new script:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/htk6l2cphi9x986/Bounty%204.pdf?dl=0

Hope you enjoy!

Gary