SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 11:33am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Seekers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Seekers  (currently 2582 views)
Don
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Seekers by Thorsten Loos - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - FBI agent in a crisis of meaning is given a fantastic opportunity to go down the rabbit hole. 59 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Equinox
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
My new TV pilot, any feedback is welcome and I'll love to read anything in return.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 17
eldave1
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Just doing hits here and there today, Thorsten.  A couple of quick notes on the first page:


Quoted Text
INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT

SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE


Don't think the SUPER is needed since you can embed it in the scene heading and if you are going to use a SUPER - insert after - not before the scene opens (i.e., it has to be superimposed over something). example:

INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT

People give it their best on the dance floor, pushed to the
limits by a STEAMY ELECTRO SOUND and a BUZZING LIGHT SHOW.

SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE

and then just continue the scene.

Quoted Text

An about THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN storms through the entrance. He
stops for a moment and anxiously looks back through the
entrance.


Why is THIRTY YEAR OLD capped??? That is not how you refer to the character. An nuke the about. e.g., A MAN (30s) .......


Quoted Text
He scans the area until his eyes get stuck on the bar on the
other side of the dance floor.


A bit over written IMO - just say ...he spots the bar...

Look to tighten up your action and descriptions.  They can really be cut back.


Quoted Text
THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR, CINDY, turns around to him. He is
covered with sweat and really struggling now.


Again - not sure why you are using CAPS for THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR. This should simply be:

CINDY, stands behind the bar. She turns towards the man .....


Quoted Text
MAN
Help me..
With these words, he loses his grip and collapses to the
floor.


Thorsten - another example where some brevity as needed. You don't need to say "with these words" because he already said them. Write the dialogue and then write the action. If you want them to be simultaneous - then use a parenthetical. e.g.,

MAN
(as he slides to floor)
Help me.

Cindy hastes around the bar and slashes herself a way
through the crowd. She knees down next to the man whose body
is jerking around on the floor in uncontrolled spasms.

typo - think you mean kneels.


Quoted Text
NATHALY,
realizes whats going on, and storms to the front.
NATHALY
What's going on?


If he realizes what's going on - why does he ask what's going on? Again - you are over writing.
Just say he storms to the front. You don't need his realization.


Quoted Text
CINDY
Call an emergency, quickly!


Think you mean call emergency.


Quoted Text
Nathaly's hands are shaking as she grabs the phone from the
wall behind the bar and dials. While she talks, she
stretches her head to keep an eye on the scene in front of
the counter


There are several places where you write in passive rather than active voice. The above should be - Nathaly's hands shake....

Search all "ing" words and make sure you are writing in an active voice.

Good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 17
TonyDionisio
Posted: October 9th, 2015, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Searching all "ing"  words is a great tip. Excellent, thanks.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 3:45am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey guys,

thanks for your feedback.


Quoted Text


Don't think the SUPER is needed since you can embed it in the scene heading and if you are going to use a SUPER - insert after - not before the scene opens (i.e., it has to be superimposed over something). example:

INT. RAVE CLUB - NIGHT

People give it their best on the dance floor, pushed to the
limits by a STEAMY ELECTRO SOUND and a BUZZING LIGHT SHOW.

SUPER: ALBANY, NEW YORK STATE

and then just continue the scene.


Does it really matter if the super is in front of or behind the action block? It's essentially a text on the screen, showing where we are.


Quoted Text

Why is THIRTY YEAR OLD capped??? That is not how you refer to the character. An nuke the about. e.g., A MAN (30s)
Again - not sure why you are using CAPS for THE WOMAN BEHIND THE BAR.


I always cap my characters at their first occurance, and they don't always have a name at the time when they occur first.


Quoted Text

Thorsten - another example where some brevity as needed. You don't need to say "with these words" because he already said them. Write the dialogue and then write the action. If you want them to be simultaneous - then use a parenthetical. e.g.,

MAN
(as he slides to floor)
Help me.

Cindy hastes around the bar and slashes herself a way
through the crowd. She knees down next to the man whose body
is jerking around on the floor in uncontrolled spasms.

typo - think you mean kneels.


He faints after his words, not simultaneously.
Thanks for 'kneel down' instead of 'knee down' - didn't know that one.


Quoted Text

If he realizes what's going on - why does he ask what's going on? Again - you are over writing.
Just say he storms to the front. You don't need his realization.


Lol, that's a good one - totally overread that. Thanks.


Quoted Text

Think you mean call emergency.


Isn't 'an emergency' the same as 'an ambulance car'?


Quoted Text

There are several places where you write in passive rather than active voice. The above should be - Nathaly's hands shake....

Search all "ing" words and make sure you are writing in an active voice.


'Nathaly's hands shake as she grabs the phone' sounds really strange though. Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking?

@Tony


Quoted Text

Searching all "ing"  words is a great tip. Excellent, thanks.


I don't know, I usually use them if the phrase sounds unnatural without an -ing. Maybe related to my language barrier.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 17
eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 10:38am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Equinox

Does it really matter if the super is in front of or behind the action block? It's essentially a text on the screen, showing where we are.


It does matter because you must be superimposing over something. If you just want a blank screen - the format would look something like:

BLACK SCREEN

SUPER: ALBANY NEW YORK

If you don't want a black screen - then you should tell the reader what the words are appearing over.


Quoted from Equinox

I always cap my characters at their first occurance, and they don't always have a name at the time when they occur first.


You are not just capping your characters - you are capping your character descriptions and that is wrong. Your character is not THIRTY YEAR OLD MAN. It is MAN.


Quoted from Equinox
Isn't 'an emergency' the same as 'an ambulance car'?


No, it's not.


Quoted from Equinox

'Nathaly's hands shake as she grabs the phone' sounds really strange though. Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking? I don't know, I usually use them if the phrase sounds unnatural without an -ing. Maybe related to my language barrier.


No - the ing form does not stress the motion any more than "Dave is writing a post" adds any more intensity than "Dave writes a post."


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 11:58am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted Text

[quote]
Isn't 'an emergency' the same as 'an ambulance car'?


No, it's not.
[/quote]

Again, my bad then - thanks for pointing it out.


Quoted Text

No - the ing form does not stress the motion any more than "Dave is writing a post" adds any more intensity than "Dave writes a post."


Sorry, I didn't understand that last sentence. Do you mean 'Her hands shake as she picks up the phone' sounds equally well as 'Her hands are shaking as she picks up the phone'?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 17
eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Equinox


Sorry, I didn't understand that last sentence. Do you mean 'Her hands shake as she picks up the phone' sounds equally well as 'Her hands are shaking as she picks up the phone'?


First: I think it READS better. Here are two links with articles on this subject. They are pretty good.

https://yourscreenplaysucks.wordpress.com/7-deadly-sins-of-writing/

http://accentuateservices.com/archives/1331

Second: don't allow an ing word to substitute for a better word. In the above - if  you don't think shakes does the trick - "her hand trembles as she......

At the end of the day - go with what you want. It's just my opinion.  Good luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey eldave,

I know it's my decision in the end but I appreciate your comments as always.

However, I think what those articles talk about has nothing to do with the examples you found in my script. The first article is a general checklist of words to cut, the second one is about using gerunds as nouns in writing.

The example from the script you pointed out on the other side is a verb written in Present Progressive. Taken from this site
Center For Writing Studies - Grammar Handbook:


Quoted Text

Progressive Form

The progressive form is a verb tense used to show an ongoing action in progress at some point in time. It shows an action still in progress. Verbs can appear in any one of three progressive tenses: present progressive, past progressive, and future progressive.

The verbs in the progressive form use a form of "to be" + the present participle (an -ing verb). (It is the form of the helping verb that indicates the tense.)

    Present Progressive: The cake is baking slowly.


That's what I meant when I wrote


Quoted Text

Isn't the ing form here a way of stressing the motion, like her hands are [currently] shaking?


To stay with the example from that page, how would you say the cake is baking slowly in simple present tense? I don't see any suitable way to do it.

The cake bakes slowly? - Sounds awful
Slowly, the cake bakes? - Even worse

Besides, I've just re-read the first 10 or so pages of my script, and I didn't find more than a hand full of those progressive verbs, I would guess 95% is in simple present, so I clearly don't think I've overdone it here.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 3:24pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Just found this as an add-on to my previous post, I think that sums it up pretty well:

From the 'about' page:


Quoted Text

I’m mostly known as a screenwriter. My credits include Go, Big Fish, Charlie’s Angels, Titan A.E., Charlie and Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride and Frankenweenie.


and here a blog entry about progressive tense vs. simple present (interesting read):
On the present tense


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 17
eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
In the link I provided - the first example was this:

He is grinning… becomes… He grins. I think directly related to the topic - but moving on:

The link you provided is interesting. Your expert argues that present progressive gives the reader a sense of time passing. e.g., "Mary is cutting coupons" is preferred over "Mary cuts coupons" because the former gives the impression that she has been at it awhile rather than a single snip.

I respectfully disagree. Unless you are going to have several minutes of Mary cutting coupons - what difference are you really making to a reader of the script. If I wanted to show that it has been a significant ongoing effort, I would write something like:

"Mary clips a coupon and adds it to the stack of others in front of her."

In terms of the cake: i.e.,

The cake is slowly baking - vs.


Quoted Text
The cake bakes slowly? - Sounds awful
Slowly, the cake bakes? - Even worse


First - IMO the cake is slowly baking is not preferable to the two samples that follow. I would have gone with the cake slowly bakes.

That being said, all are moot choices because the slow bake is going to be something that has been going on for hours (and we're not). How does one even begin to film that??? Long winded way of saying I am never going on this trip in the first place. I'm going to say a cake is in the oven and if I need to show that it has been baking a long time I'm going to either add a description of to show slowness (e.g., Steam cascades from a cake that bakes in the oven) or through dialogue: e.g.,

CHARACTER
Christ, that cake's been in there forever.

In  an novel you can write a cake is slowly baking in the oven because you are not providing any information for someone to film - just information for their imagination. Doesn't work in a script. i.e., how does some one film "slow baking"???? IMO, experts like this confuse what one can see in one's imagination and what one can actually film.

Anyway, substitute the subject for a different view.

The cat is slowly walking.
The cat walks slowly.
The cat slowly walks.

I'm going with the third one.

Anyway - like I said - it is a matter of style to some extent. I have seen articles from the guy you cited and others championing the present progressive. I think they are cheating a bit in that they are associating a benefit to it that does not really exist. "Mary is clipping" does not add a any more precision then is offered by  "Mary clips."  Add a time element to demonstrate the point:

1. Mary is clipping coupons for two minutes
2. Mary clips coupons for two minutes.

Now which do you prefer?

My opinion anyway.







My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
I accept your opinion there but I don't fully share it. To get back to the example from the script, 'someone is shaking' makes much more sense to me than 'someone shakes'. Somebody shaking is not something they do in an instant and then they do the next thing. It's a state they are in and as long as the camera stays on them, they *are shaking*.

Anyways, thanks for pointing it out, I completely agree that the simple present is always preferrable, and in the majority of cases is the best option to chose, however I disagree in saying it is always the best solution.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 17
eldave1
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95

Quoted from Equinox
I accept your opinion there but I don't fully share it. To get back to the example from the script, 'someone is shaking' makes much more sense to me than 'someone shakes'. Somebody shaking is not something they do in an instant and then they do the next thing. It's a state they are in and as long as the camera stays on them, they *are shaking*.

Anyways, thanks for pointing it out, I completely agree that the simple present is always preferrable, and in the majority of cases is the best option to chose, however I disagree in saying it is always the best solution.


A good discussion - best of luck with the feature.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 17
TonyDionisio
Posted: October 10th, 2015, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
                   AYDON
        Wow look at this mess. Looks like
        we missed a hell of a party last
        night.

Show the mess in action blocks or at least the reaction of the characters seeing the mess, so cut out the first line above.
If you read it outloud, this is evident. Use of 2 "look" too soon.


                    ERICA
        Ah, my favourite agents. Glad you
        could make it.

"Thanks for coming." or "Too busy doing something else?"  Gotta create conflict on all levels.

You are going for a "Fringe" feel here, I guess?

You got the scene on pg 7 and 8 about the mud. Is it important for the story?

"Sarah sticks out one leg to him." Sarah displays her dirty leg.

"She finally knocks him out with the elbow of her other arm
and Aydon lands prone on the rocky ground."

Get rid of the word finally.

I'd lose the "acts." Just tell the story in a script. If someone wants it in act structure, it'll get there eventually.

You set up the ending to continue with, thats good. I'm not too sure if the forst episode was satisfying enough to continue, however.

Do you plan on writing more?

GL

Tony

P.S. There is something "off" about your voice. Not sure exactly what it is yet.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 17
Equinox
Posted: October 11th, 2015, 3:21am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Germany
Posts
345
Posts Per Day
0.10
Hey Tony,

thank you too for giving it a read and for your comments.


Quoted Text

The staff and the guests are gone, the scene is
closed off by people in white protection suits.

A woman in such an overall is taking samples from
the dead body on the floor. This is DR. ERICA AVERING, fortyish.

A couple more people in white overalls are
busy collecting pieces of flesh in the area.

Aydon and Sarah, also wearing overalls, enter the room.

                        AYDON
        Wow look at this mess. Looks like
        we missed a hell of a party last
        night.



Don't these action blocks describe the 'mess' already?


Quoted Text

                       ERICA
        Ah, my favourite agents. Glad you
        could make it.

                       AYDON
        Yeah, wish you a good morning as
        well.


I hoped that would do as 'conflict'. But your suggestions would clarify it a bit more, thanks.


Quoted Text

You are going for a "Fringe" feel here, I guess?


Well, 'Fringe' is certainly a source of inspiration for most stuff I write, but I think this one is different enough to not be derivative. I'd rather say I'm aiming at a bit of Fringe, X-Files, Dark Skies here.


Quoted Text

I'd lose the "acts." Just tell the story in a script. If someone wants it in act structure, it'll get there eventually.


They are common in TV episodes and are expected/rated in contests.


Quoted Text

You set up the ending to continue with, thats good. I'm not too sure if the forst episode was satisfying enough to continue, however.


Sorry, you didn't like it.


Quoted Text

Do you plan on writing more?


For now, I've only got an outline for the episodes for a complete season in my series bible.


Quoted Text

P.S. There is something "off" about your voice. Not sure exactly what it is yet.


If you find out, please let me know, always looking for ways to improve.

Thanks again for the time to read it, if you got anything you want me to read&comment on, just let me know.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 17
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Series  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006