Season's End by Jose Flores - Series, Western - When  an old man dies, his three sons must figure out what happened and must decided whether or not they will avenge their fathers death.  53 pages - pdf, format

Hey Jose,

You should probably rework that log line a little bit. "When an old man dies" sounds like he died of natural causes. And then you say his three sons must decide whether or not they will avenge his death -- so he was most likely murdered. Make that clear right away. And watch the typos in your log line, too. If there are typos in the log line, there will most likely be a lot of typos in the script. If the log line is professional level, there's a good chance the script will read like a professional wrote it. It does affect how many reads you may (or may not) get.

And, if the story centers around the three sons, they should be the focus.

"Three brothers must decide whether or not to exact revenge after their father is killed unjustly."

That's just an example, but we could use a little more info. What are the stakes if they decide NOT to exact revenge? Why and how is the father killed? As of now, the log line makes the story sound like it's about three brothers deciding on something.

What exactly makes this decision difficult for the three brothers?

When doing a log line, include the protagonist (s), his goal and what happens if he doesn't achieve this goal (or if he does).

I know you sent me the first 5 or so pages a while back before you signed up on here, I'll check this out soon and give you some comments here.

-- Michael

Thanks, Mike!

Already working on rewriting the log line. Thanks for the help. I understand the concept a lot clearer now.

I've read the first 21 pages. Enjoying it so far, the characters are interesting.

There's definitely a lot going on with a lot of different characters, so i have trouble following it at points. Of course it could just be that I'm a bit slow... A few quick notes along those lines:

1) Could you establish the time period and setting more clearly from the beginning. The candles were a hint, but I had no idea how to picture the room or the characters. What year is this?

2) The dialog all feels very natural, but some of the action descriptions don’t read as smoothly:

“Organized shelves of various fruits and vegetables that Jen, carrying Alice, and Denise, carrying Richard, look at.

Matthew walks with Dick when he spots EVA (31 - attractive, slender) walk inside the store.”

Then the next lines on page 5 seem like an accidental redundancy.

I'd suggest that it’s worth reading the script out loud, including the action lines. They can have the normal screenplay economy, but should still roll off the tongue. (Final draft also has a speech function that will read it for you. I find just hearing the script helps a ton.)

3) It wasn’t until you mentioned the slaves on page 8 that I realized we were in the early 1800s south.

4) With so many characters to keep track of, I would try to add more variety to the names. It's hard for me to differentiate character with names like Ryan, Roy, Rick, Dick, and Chuck.

Looking forward to reading the rest soon.

Hey Rodriguez! Thanks for the read and feedback.

Quoted Text Could you establish the time period and setting more clearly from the beginning. The candles were a hint, but I had no idea how to picture the room or the characters. What year is this?

You're right, I should put the title card in the opening scene. It's on page 11 where I place TITLE CARD: GEORGIA, 1859.

Quoted Text 2) The dialog all feels very natural, but some of the action descriptions don’t read as smoothly:

thanks for pointing it out. I'll work on that. My writing needs work.

I'll check out "Houng" today. Let you know what I think.

I'll have to review this in pieces if that's ok.

Maybe VO over the building instead of black. Help the audience know where exactly they are. Frontier town. Woodland cabin. Big city.

BEDROOM? Be more specific. Cabin bedroom. Hotel bedroom. Kid's Bedroom. Use your sluglines to help tell your story.

Cap the names of your charterers correctly. Like Jonathan Big Nose.

Write Kid's POV to save space. Be careful with camera direction like this unless it ads to your story. Unless you're trying to unnerve us by having Kid point a gun at a little girl. (Try to change that name too. Kid is overused. Shotgun Kid, Derringer Kid, Ugly Kid Joe etc.

You only get one chance to make a first impression. Instead of describing characters as simply (fit, attractive) use action to do more. Have Alice sit wide eyed at Kid's story to show she looks up to him for example.

If you start a flashback make sure you end it. Otherwise it will read as everything going forward is taking place in the past.

I'll do some more later when i can.

Got some more time.

Thinking about it yesterday you may want to think of a better way to start than having Kid go off on a rambling speech. (And it is rambling) Think about how this will look on screen, that's a lot of kid just walking back and forth talking. Maybe intercut with visuals of his story? Maybe just cut out the beginning and have the film come in at the end of his monologue? This is your first page and you want to grab the reader's attention right away. This may not be the best way to do so.

I like Matthew's intro. Short, quick, to the point.

No need for SOON AFTER in your slugs. And I'm not a fa of CONTINUOUS constantly.

Page 6. Tall Man? Use your names to do a lot of the heavy lifting for you. Why not call him Grizzled Desperado? Drunk Gunman? It adds a lot more visually than simply the character being tall. Same for some of your locations I've noticed. Why not a DOWNTOWN GROCERY STORE, SMALL TRADING POST, LEE'S GROCERIES? This is a western so there's lots of flavor to add in.

Also, a lot of your action starts with character names first. Ryan walks... The Townspeople scream, the sheriff raises his gun etc. This gets repetitive quickly. Change it up. With a slow gait, Ryan walks into the bar, Cocky, the sheriff raises his gun.

Check your capitalization of names.

Ok, about 10 pages in and there's a big problem I see. Nothing is happening. Now, this is a TV series I assume and so maybe writing for TV is different than film, and I wouldn't know much about TV, but the first ten pages is nothing but overly lengthy introductions. Not much is going on. If you could make each intro more like Mathew's, quick and to the point I think it would help. Also is there a way to at least foreshadow what the plot of the show will be here so it has some direction? Your first ten pages are crucial as that's the most people will usually give you to decide if it's worth it to keep going. Right now there isn't much meat on this bone.

Page 10. Delia. Have her do something.  "DELIA, 43, unattractive." is not helping me visualize your story in any way.

Capitalize the BEAUTIFUL RED HEAD since she's a unique character and it's the first time we see her specifically.

There is A LOT of characters here early on. I'd say try to focus more on the main's and downplay the rest. Hard to keep track since we bounce from so many so quickly.  

Also a lot of the dialogue is too on the nose. Your characters mostly talk too much and often say exactly what they are thinking. Lots of exposition in the dialogue that's unneeded. Remember actions speak louder than words. Show, don't tell.

Bottom of page 14. You end your flashback twice. In the slug and action. No need to do so,

Is there a better way to write your gunfire than BANG! BANG! POP! POP! Can you just simple say Matthew fires. Kid shoots twice.

15 pages in and finally some kind of conflict.

So far these are my impressions. You know how to write a script as most of the proper formatting is here with SUPERS, correct sluglines, POVs etc. But the execution needs some work. Lots of typos, overly drawn out dialogue, slow pacing, an abundance of characters, lots of cliches (quite a bit) and a story that seems to be going nowhere. I can tell you've put a lot of time in research and writing. The western slang is nice.

What this really needs is a clearer idea of your story and where it goes. What is your inciting incident? Honestly, EVERY line of action and dialogue needs to drive your story forward otherwise it has no point in being on the page. A lot here could be cut out as it adds little to your story. There's no reason the cabin raid couldn't happen by the end of the first ten pages easily if you cut out the rest.

Imagine introducing your mains in quick character filled moments then jumping right to them being attacked at the cabin. It unifies them right away as they have to work together to save themselves, gives them a purpose for being together and starts your story off right away.  

Hope this helps. And keep working on it!      

Hey Cameron

Thanks for the feedback. Really appreciate it. I agree with a lot of what you said. It is written for television so some of it differed from film, but there are still similarities. I know the buildup could be considered slow, but I felt in worked. I'll definitely look into trimming the script and my formatting. My formatting has been my most difficult challenge. Definitely helped. Thanks again, bud.

I'm halfway through "No beans in the wheel". I'll comment soon.

I'll keep reading if you like since my script is much bigger but a lot of what I identified will probably be the same. But I can focus on some specific issues as I read.

And if you'd like you don't need to finish No Beans as half of that is about equal to your whole script. Unless you want to finish it of course because it's so engaging

Hey Jose,

Here's just a few comments on the first couple of pages. I'll comment further on story later, but the writing still needs to be addressed. It's not as fluid as it should be in terms of creating a strong visual.

Before I show examples, I DO agree with an earlier comment we should get a better sense of time and place WITHOUT having to show a title card. Instead of that voice over OVER BLACK, you should cut to different landscapes, rustic looking houses, etc. to show that we're in that time period. Also, by cutting to different landscapes, houses, etc, you can break up the dialogue a little bit so that it looks better on the page. As we cut to more and more images, we finally get to the house where the KID tells his story. Think the way the voice over is executed at the beginning of No Country for Old Men -- we get a clear sense of setting as they cut to different landscapes, eventually taking us to Anton Chigur being arrested and then to the police station.

Now, back to the writing -- the wording isn't very organized.

Quoted Text FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Lit candles throughout the room. THE KID (19 - handsome, tall, skinny) gun in holster. Passionately paces back and forth.

You should try to be a little bit more specific in your slug... who's bedroom are we in? It would be best to have an establishing shot that leads us to the inside of the bedroom.

What visual are you trying to give us? A series of lit candles around the room?

And THE KID -- gun in holster should be the second part of that description.

INT. HOUSE - SO AND SO'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS (night would be described in the establishing EXT shot)

THE KID (19 - tall and handsome) paces back and forth with excitement, a holstered gun hanging from his hip. Candlelight bouncing off his face.

Then the dialogue.

I would suggest breaking up that long stretch of dialogue.

Quoted Text KID But now the deputies are after them, and it’s not just them, a few townspeople who wanted the bounty got on their horses and went after them too!

I would punctuate this better, too. It's very hard to read. I understand he's enthusiastic about making his story compelling, And he's blabbing on and on, but you should still punctuate a little bit.

KID
And now the deputies are after them!
But it's not just them. It's the townspeople who wanted the bounty.
So, now they're on theirhorses, chasing after them, too!

I also changed the wording better to make it smoother. Starting with AND sounded more natural than with BUT, especially after the block of VO dialogue that preceded it.

I would add a description/action line to break up that huge block of dialogue you have. Unnecessarily long. I chose to break it up at this point because it punctuated a crucial point in the story he was telling his sister.

Quoted Text ALICE SHAW (7 - cute) eats a piece of bread, drinks a cup of milk, and sits on her bed.

I would include this description right after that dialogue I bold faced. But the way you word this, you make it sound like she eats a piece of bread, washes it down with a cup of milk and THEN takes a seat on her bed.

If she was ALREADY SITTING, it should be --

ALICE SHAW (7 - cute in what way? Does she have big eyes, etc?) listens while sitting Indian-style in bed, eyes wide with fascination.

So, it would be --

KID
And now the deputies are after them!
But it's not just them. It's the townspeople who wanted the bounty.
So, now they're on theirhorses, chasing after them, too!

ALICE SHAW (7 - cute, doe-eyed with puffy cheeks) listens intently while sitting Indian-style in bed, eyes wide with fascination.

Then continue the dialogue. When THE KID hits another point in his story that would draw a reaction, break up that dialogue and show Alice's next reaction. Maybe she jumps at one point (BANG!) Maybe she gasps. Or include a point in the story where THE KID stops pacing and looks Alice dead in the eyes. Something to break it up and show more than just some guy talking.

Also, it takes far too long for this dialogue to lead anywhere. There should be conflict earlier. And I'm not talking about in the story he is telling. I would have Alice interject earlier. Perhaps even interrupting THE KID several times during his story. And maybe it annoys him. That's what I mean by "conflict". The story he is telling has nothing to do with her, but if she interjects earlier and more often, it adds a new dimension to the scene and would also help establish character much better much quicker. As of now, two pages in, I'm bored out of my mind by listening to some guy I've never met tell a story I could care less about. Every scene should have some form of conflict. And every scene should build up to something. That goes for dialogue, too!

And what is the need to SUPER: THE KID? It doesn't seem necessary. Nothing really unique happened in this scene. Nothing crazy. Nothing that really showed us what kind of person THE KID is. So why the title card? His name should be heard naturally. Or, if you're going to title card a characters name after his intro, his intro should be stronger and really show what kind of character we're dealing with. Watch the character intros in "The Faculty". Or in "Mean Streets" when DeNiro's character is introduced in the film -- right after he blows up a mailbox, he runs off. Then they have JOHNNY BOY in the title card.

Thus far, you're lacking a natural feel for finding rhythm, not just in your writing and the way you arrange your words, but at points in the story where there should be a beat. You need to do a better job of identifying your beats and when to include certain things after certain beats.

*Random Note -- when showing a visual through someone's point of view, it should be:

THE KID'S POV: Then what the Kid is seeing.

When you're finished with that shot --

BACK TO SCENE

To let us know that we're done seeing from his POV.

I will get back to this later and comment further. I'll try to focus more on story, but the WRITING IS VERY IMPORTANT. It affects the flow of the read, the speed we visualize something, etc. It seems nit-picky but the writing is extremely important. And it's hard to get past that sometimes if the writing isn't strong. I'm sure you're a member of my friend Mike Beirman's popular facebook group "Screenwriters Who Can Actually Write". He had a very informative post recently about the actual writing. Check it out.

-- Michael

Some more time to read.

Lose the flashback with the horse during the cabin incident. Totally takes any tension you're trying to build out of the scene. It's jarring and doesn't add anything character wise that you are already showing right now.

Spice up your action. Lots of walking to things, checking, opening etc. Mundane actions. Make it interesting. "Reluctantly, Chuck takes a deep breath, darts around the house" Build character through action.

BILL
Just let me go. You won�t see me
again... or I�ll just kill both of
you.

This makes no sense? He's pleading for his life then making a threat?

Again, all the POP! POP! BANG! BANG! tells me very little about what's going on. Who's shooting? Did they hit?  Miss? As you'll see, writing a shoot out is tricky. Something that's supposed to be exciting on screen can be very boring to read on page. You can go extremely vague and say something like "a shoot out ensues" or go into detail. If you go down the detail road make it interesting. We don't need to know every time somebody cocks a hammer, but use the action to tell your story. Is somebody cowardly? Have them act accordingly. Unlucky shot? Show us. Selfless? Put themselves in harm's way to protect another. Also, it helps to study fights in movies you know and see how it was written in script. I studied the Batman v Bane sewer fight in the Dark Knight Returns a lot just to see how Christopher Nolan did it. (I think it's a great fight scene and helped me a lot)

Cabin scene needs work. Way too much jawing. Makes it confusing. And if this is your inciting incident it needs to be clear what exactly is going on and what the stakes at play are going to be.

I had to go back and look, but Kid is 19 right? The others treat him like he's 9 and he acts like it too. In the West no way a 19 year old would still be treated this way. Go back to bed, nothing to see here. And he obeys? Really?

If the sign says Stone Mountain, then shouldn't your slug says Stone Mountain instead of Georgia?

Page 18. Under your town slug you simply start by saying "Large." large town? Large sunrise? Large people walking around? Gotta write clearer than that.

Again, lose all the moments later in your sluglines. A simple day or night works. Let chronological order do the rest.

Good Luck Duck. Nice name.

Another thing I've noticed. Also a pet peeve. A character's clothes does not equal characterization. This March guy for example wears a suit and has a handlebar mustache. So does about 80% of gentlemen during this time. Is he scummy? A prick? Entrepreneur? Doting father? You only get once chance to make a first impression so instead of telling us what he's wearing (and honestly wardrobe will change that as they see fit if this ever makes it to production) tell us what he's doing when we first see him. Haggling over the price of a loaf of bread? Not opening a door for a lady? Checking out one leerfully? Meticulously adjusting his fine suit in the mirror? Again, it all comes down to showing and not telling.

Page 22. A lot of confusion here so far. Lots of characters. No clear story or yet direction yet. I think this is about this group pf bandits getting revenge for somebody shooting up their cabin but not sure. Part of this is on the dialogue. It's very on the nose at times and also very vague. I'm seeing a lot of people asking questions but receiving no answers. Some dialogue is overly cryptic and makes no sense without proper context that you've built in from earlier. Some dialogue adds nothing to the story. I'm not saying answer everything right away, you want to build mystery of course, but it needs to be clear to follow. Who's the main character? Kid? Matthew? Dick? Focus in on your story and this will help a little. TV is no excuse for confusing overly long and drawn out stories. It's still self contained with beginnings, middles, and ends in your 30 or 60 minute allotments. Maybe you are doing too much and need to slow it down. Just be careful it's not too slow.

hey cameron, thanks for following up

some of it might not make complete sense, but if you continue reading, hopefully, i did a good job explaining things.

i know the kid is treated like a kid, but it's because he comes from an overprotective family, they don't let him grow, the treat him like a kid and the kid hasn't really matured, but that changes by the end of the pilot, he's really the main character. His father didn't really raise him, and he has his two brothers who , for the most part, neglected him, and never really took him seriously, which is why he's the way he is.

Thanks for your suggestions. I definitely agree with them.

Gotcha about Kid. Just an idea then. Why not make him a bit younger? 14? 13? 12? Play up him being a real "kid" instead of the man child he is now. back in the day more was expected of kids, especially in the frontier and to have kid be an adult and still act like he' might as well be 12 is a bit of an issue.

Some more time.

Page 21. PETER is typed as PETE in dialogue. Easy fix but one you should have caught.

Another thing I've seen. You have TONS of characters. Is there any way to whittle this town? Merge support characters together into one? When you do have secondary characters you just throw them into the script without introducing them at all. Maybe your going Law and Order here and just writing a barrage of characters, to hell with it but it's hard to read. PETER for example. Why should I care about what he has to say? I don't know him at all. Why is he so important? How does he know Matthew?  He's just a guy with an eye patch right now. Boring, bland, a nobody.

Kid trying to get to first base in the alley has no importance. What is this adding to the story right now? Very jarring scene.

Fire torch? Lit torch sounds better.

If I have'n't said it already, you have a lot of characters names uncapitalized.

Bottom page 25. Wait. They just had their cabin attacked, their dad just left, and they heard a gunshot close by but are only just now feeling worried? Come on.

If you flashback you need to be clear about when it ends. There's a sequence here where Duck is sending March out to cause trouble then one page later he's in bed with a girl. Very disjointed.

We're deep into your script at this point and I may have missed it, but why is Duck so mad at the gang? It's an important question I don't know if you've answered.

Flashbacks and now flash forwards? Very confusing

Duck is related to them all? Honestly I don't know if that has the impact you want right now cause you haven't explained what's at the root of all this in the first place. What are the stakes? Where is this story going?

A LOT of time spent at this cemetery. Can't you condense it all into one scene without all the time traveling?

Who the heck is ROBERT? What is he doing with kid? Why does he care about him? Why should we care?

Again, lots of your charterers talk about events in your story, more like around them, but it's so cryptic often because we have no idea what they are talking about. Very hard to follow.

Page 32. A bonfire inside the farmhouse? Do you mean fireplace? Stove?

Why are they all drinking around the fire when a page ago they were planning vengeance?  

Page 35 I/E doesn't work. That implies the scene takes place in doorway of the house I guess? You need to be inside or outside. You can't be both at once. Write a new slug for when the action moves outdoors or vice versa. And now they are plotting revenge again? Where's the urgency? If they care this little about revenge why should we care at all?

Why is Duck attacking the house only to run away so quickly? How does this advance the story? They already knew he was involved and couldn't be trusted. They didn't like him. What does this scene change? It's pointless right now.

Page 39. When Jen says, "We still don’t know what’s going on, but Duck’s involved. Don’t call him uncle anymore." is a perfect synopsis of your story so far.

The kid just got knocked out, was involved in a shoot out, dead bodies all over still I'm sure and the first thing he does is go shoot a horse out in the barn????? If you're trying to show development there has to be a better way. Makes no sense. Very jarring again. I guess cause he wasn't able to kill that horse from earlier so he's "manning up" now but this isn't the way you want to show that.

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I'll finish up here with a few general thoughts as the last couple of pages are just more examples of some bigger issues. In no order of importance but they are all important.

1. What is your story? The script is lacking in structure and needs it badly. Too many scenes add nothing to your story, drag on too long, make no sense, and even worse, are boring. I would strongly advice you get to the heart of the story you want to tell and outline the major plot points along the way. If nothing in your script adds to that story then cut it. Mercilessly. Every scene needs to move the story forward in some way. I'll go back to it again, but look at Law and Order. That show runs at breakneck speed, has tons of characters but is thrilling and engaging because EVERY single scene, line of dialogue, or action moves the story forward. It's relentless but it has to be. You need that sense of urgency too.

Yes this is TV and the first part of a bigger story. But it still needs to be its own story that can stand on it's own.

2. Weak charterers. The only one who really stands out is Kid because you've gone out of your way to make him so wimpy. I can't tell much difference between Matthew, Casey, Ryan, Rick etc, because they all act and sound alike. The dialogue has some good western slang in it so good job on that. But too much of it is either too detailed with what characters really think or extremely vague as they talk around events we know little about. Maybe you think this is adding mystery but when everything is so unclear it's just confusing. This is issue #1 coming back to bite you. With no strong story structure dialogue has little to work with. There are some scenes that go on too long I think and could be shortened.  You do a good job however of ending a lot of scenes early on little cliffhangers.  They'd be more meaningful with a stronger narrative.

3. lots of typos and grammar errors. Especially with caps.

4. Boring action. Your action is kinda bland. As it's written it adds little to the story and is just explanation of what everybody does on screen. Walking to a window. Drinking a shot. Mounting a horse. Action is just as important as dialogue in developing character. The how's and why your characters do something can tell us more about them than the best one liners or impressive speeches can.

I can tell you've put a lot of time and thought into this. Identify your story. It's begining, middle and end. Who are the main core characters? We need to spend more time with them. Developing them. Making them 3 dimensional. How can you tell your story through action? Action that doesn't involve a shootout? What does each want? How can you show us their personality? Who's the hot head? Who's the jerk? The comedian? They need personality. We need to like them, even a little if they are your protgas.

Read some more scripts for ideas on what works and what doesn't. Give feedback. Explain what you don't like and do.

WATCH a lot of TV shows or movies like yours and think about how what's on screen would be written as a script. How do they tell their story? Move it forward? Build character? Copy that, but make it your own.

And keep working. Keep writing. Your in the middle of the real writing process few people get to. Taking an idea and going over it again and again to make it stronger. Not in big chunks. But small increments. That's how writers write.

Good luck! Hope this helps!