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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Most Daring Voyage Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Most Daring Voyage  (currently 1270 views)
Don
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Most Daring Voyage [Working Title] by Kevin (kev1807) - Series - In 1740 Commodore Anson is sent on a secret mission to sail around the world and annoy and distress the King of Spain. Even before departure his mission is revealed to the enemy - Admiral Pizarro. A dead captain promised the sailors nothing but pverty, vermin, death and destruction! 58 pages - pdf, format


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RonH
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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I gave this a shot, but only lasted four pages. Overwritten to the point of abstraction. The slug's contain information which should be given in a SUPER, and the text is filled with unfilmables. You just can't write that characters are speaking about this and that without actually writing the dialogue. Every single line in the script must be able to portrayed on screen, or excised.

I appreciate the effort involved here, so I recommend the author checking out a few Pilot Scripts, and see how proper formatting is done.
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KevinW
Posted: August 24th, 2016, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I gave this a shot, but only lasted four pages.

Thanks for reading it anyway! I really appreciate it!

as a matter of fact I screwed up the nicknames .... normally I use kev1807 almost everywhere ... (why again didn't I here?)

A few words about the story:
I am a Historian from Heidelberg(Germany) and I love the Early Modern Period, and the First British Empire, as well as colonial history. The idea for that series was born when I was writing my final thesis on the Loss of the Wager and its influence on naval law. My Professor and my proofreaders really enjoyed reading the story and were amazed and sucked into my chapter on historical background and the vivid writing.
It was a good friend who suggested putting it in a script, as she thought this makes for a great story.... And me and some of my fellow students agree on "The best story is History itself!" (we are working like that, too, trying to make our papers fun to read as well as historically accurate and exact)
  

Quoted Text
Overwritten to the point of abstraction

Can you elaborate on this please? I am used to write more or les scientific papers (History/English masters at Heidelberg University, Germany)


Quoted Text
The slug's contain information which should be given in a SUPER, and the text is filled with unfilmables.

So that there is the text displayed on-screen - again, further elaboration would be really nice.


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unfilmables

I agree, it is by no means finished.... at some ponts I included phrases, 'cause I wasn't really gettin' my head around what they really should talk about and how to make good dialogues (especially since 18 century English differs a little from nowadays English, I need more Early Modern English reading ... I really enjoy reading the Journals of Richard Walter (chaplain of that voyage))


Quoted Text
I appreciate the effort involved here, so I recommend the author checking out a few Pilot Scripts, and see how proper formatting is done.


The formatting issue is AMAZON's scriptwriter tool (for free& intuitive ...) I might end up using LaTex soon or at least make an Office-Mask for scripts ...
I really do welcome any hints on what to use, as long as it is affordable for a student that has to have three jobs in order to make enough money ...

What struck me hardest was the PILOT-part ... the story itself is in my head, however, such a journey involved years of planning and politics, Plans on this voyage were made first as early as 1720 (which is a little boring to the non-historian, I think), however we need a little of that information as well as Information about the War of Jenkins' Ear or the more or less cold war btwn England and Spain, and the anglo-french conflict in which ANSON fought before ... (This is the reason for the first epic fight scene... )

I am currently working on a treatment, which should be better, since writing isn't new to me.... ( I have an outline for 15 episodes, I think...)

I really appreciate the feedback and I will adapt the script accordingly, but only after I finished my paper on First Language Acquisition. However, I will read this thread at least once a week ...
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