Hey Ashlie
    I finished the story last night, but, wanted to dream on it.  No, not in THAT way, perv...

I'll let the people that are better at spotting screenwriting errors deal with those issues.

I'll focus on the story.  Oh, please remember that these are just my opinions and you should do what is best for your story.  It's your story.

Full disclosure:  I am not a typical fan nor the target audience for this.  Add in some monsters, demons, magic, zombies, vampires, werewolves, a demon zombie fighting a werewolf-vampire hybrid and I'm in...  That said, however, 2 of my fav things of all time were the Wonder Years and The Breakfast Club.  So, I can relate.

First off, cut cut and cut some more.  I think the version I read was 66 pages.  That leaves you in "no man's land."  As I said in the PM to you, you have to set up on your targets first.  Is this a 30 min story, 60 min, 90 min or 120 min?  I've read that the page limits approx. have to be 24, 48, 72, and 100 (for each time length) for commercials, pre, and post-credits etc.

So, you will have to make some choices to either cut to fit into the 30 or 60 or expand for the 90 or 120.  Personally, I'd cut to get it down to 60 (meaning 48 pages)...

Your characters are (mostly) cool.    I enjoyed Cassidy.  She's flawed, believable, identifiable.  I enjoyed the relationship with Tasha and her husband.  So, that's good.

I have no problem with opening up with Cassidy high, however, I'd make it a bit darker, really go crazy with this sequence.  Show the horrors of acid...  By making it cute and cuddily, you almost entice others to try acid.  I don't think that's your meaning.  Also, you have to make things crystal clear that she's high and nude.  Break up these things.

You have a lot of asides.  That can be good or bad.  You can't film asides.  For ex.  Reality has just hit Cassidy in the face, and it wears jeggings.  It made me chuckle, but, in no way can you film that.  I'd watch for those.  

One of the biggest flaws is that you have too many characters.  You know them, and you know which ones are vital.  We don't.  So, the more you ask us to learn, the more our attention wanes.  I'd cut some of the characters out that really don't add much.  You can introduce them next episode.

oh, SPOILERS.

I'D also take out the abortion.  Again, you only have so much room.  I'd leave in that she plans to have one, but, you have a lot going on.  

I'd take out the lesbian couple.  And all the characters around them.  Make this about Cassidy, then spread out from there.  It's okay to have them at the party, perhaps fighting, but, really, you had them in bed most of the story.  They don't add anything.  Honestly, they are caricatures (at least IMO)  of lesbians rather than real people.  

And i know this isn't your fault, but, I couldn't get them separated from the crazy chick that made that girl eat the other's body from the past OWC.

Oh, one big question.  For the couple that is gonna be raising a child together.  You have her storming back to confront him for something he did wrong, but, we never know what that is because she finds them in bed, sleeping.

I don't know if the abortion segment is based on real life, but, that'd never happen in real life.  I worked in a clinic (not abortion, but, STD) and that isn't how it works.  I don't know if you are looking for reality vs. drama??

So, that's it for the story.  

The next section has to do with the series.  Do you have arc boards for each character?  How much of the series bible do you have planned out?  Your series will have to be heavily serialized, which I love, but, it goes against the trend today.  

I don't know if you watch "The Good Place" which is about a group of people who die and end up in Heaven.  But, we soon learn that one of the characters, Kristen Bell, doesn't belong in Heaven.  And it just gets more and more insane with each episode.  I read reading how some stations passed on the idea b/c it was so serialized.  

The average viewer would rather watch bimbos sucking and fighting on whatever rather than something good, like your story.  They'd rather watch Desperate Housewives of the OC in the land of the Taliban taking a vacation in Hell instead of good TV.  

Hope that helps you.

Dan

Quoted from Cooper 1) Cool nude basks. She's naked? 2) far worse (underline issue) 2) I'm already really enjoying this story. No idea where it's going, but I'm strapping in for an interesting ride. 3) I'm a sweet like that. Guessing you don't want the "a" 3) no (beat) ready. Is that a joke? I usually associate beats with a joke but I don't get it. 3) lipstick blue lipstick. Maybe it's intentional but I'm not sure. seems redundant. 4) you're leaving a space between Deputy.Fuzz in action lines but note character lines. kind of weird. Should be Deputy Fuzz (I love the name by the way) 4) "Running is the obvious answer; it's hardly the solution." Didn't get that line. Doesn't answer the question, so it felt strange. 6) Reality has just hit Cassidy in the face and it wears jeggings. Lololol 6) don't need periods in SUV 7) you asked me to.  Great line. Really good teaser! 7) nit pick, I'd probably call it an SUV or vehicle not a "truck" on this page. 8 ) You sexy bastards. Lol 9) underline issue persists. Not sure what software you're using. The underline under nothing looks goofy though 9) he's my husband.  Lol. 9) i would say it's strange hearing wife talk about a vehicle as a gift. If they're married they're both paying for it. 10) Are you going to tell me why you in the woods dressed like Kylie Jenner? (Should be you're) 10) don't think you need the "i think you owe me" line.  Just tell me -- seems like it's sufficient. 11) mental touch gathering? huh 11) I'm here -- as in, I'm still here?, I'm hear aren't I?, I'm hear for you?-- I didn't get the meaning. 12) I was kidding. lol 12) Busy. Can't. No response. ? Don't get what I'm supposed to be getting here. 12) Thought: really enjoying it so far -- but I don't know where the story is going. maybe it's too early but thought i should mention that. also overall dialogue felt a tad bogged down in last page or two. maybe an extra word here or there. It's still very interesting. 12) oh and I'm not clear on the text thing. 12) MIMI KEENER,24, doll-face, troubled lies in bed with a goofy smile across her face. I think there should be either a comma or period between troubled  and lies. 12) should be breaths heavily - also covers not cover's. 12/13) I had to read this twice to understand the VO with Mimi. Probably just me but the first time I thought Cassidy was in the apartment -- then I realized they were still in the car. Knowing that ,the line about "not wanting to come" is funny but i didn't get it initially. I'm not a formatting guru -- but I wonder if there's a way to make it clearer that they're still in their conversation in the car, while we see Mimi and friend. Again, this could just be me being slow while reading it. 13) Mimi and her friend go at so hard = missing it. 13) JESSENIA 'JESS' ENDRES, 23, latina, chubby, very cute pukes behind a dumpster -- comma or period between cute and pukes. 13) this you're missing a VO for Tasha's line 14) Bue New Cassidy believes in her friends -- but not bue (or the -- not sure what word you wanted there) 15) interesting seeing the so-called friends in their lives. still wondering about where the story is going 15) ah. now I get it. Cassidy has been gone for a months. has to adjust to a world that went on without her. 16) When you weren't looking obviously. LOL 17)  don't go to college, or else you'll end up like me. LOL 17) why not just say the SUV crashes into a parked car. That's what happened right? Act 1 thoughts: This is really weird but also interesting. Some good laughs though knowing how long she'd been away -- the conversation seems too casual in the car. Tasha initially talked like it was a weekend away or something. 18 ) banal claim? Also why does she keep references her husband. what does he have to do with anything. he wasn't in the car. 19) I won't ruin your life today? huh. I get that she's mad but it's a strange thing to say. Why not have her ask, if there's a manager she can speak with. If you can't help me, is there someone else who can. I don't like the way I'm being spoken to etc. 19) binal doesn't come up on http://www.merriam-webster.com 20) do the white boards come back in some big way? the little back and forth was meh imo 21) Feminism. lol 22) One of the boxes spills out stills ... 'Love, Ava!'. Literally had to read this twice to understand it. Honestly this whole scene could probably be a little clearer. 22) standees? 25) this whole evan ava relationship could be clearer. I get that they have a weird relationship -- but I feel like I couldn't process it because there was so much going on. Also  I don't think evan would talk to his son that way. Feels unrealistic (and you've done such a great job with grounded dialogue) 27) "No. Friends don't tell friends BF's about said friends secret abortion's. And don't call me darling, my grandma does that, it's a turn-off." - very on the nose. there's probably a more grounded way to this exchange. 28 ) Rachel grabs up a cover and heads into Mimi's room but not before she motions to Armand. -- mimi motions 28 ) ./sign? huh 28 ) So I was totally intrigued with Mimi and Armand the moment they kisses. Interesting twist -- though another observation. what's Cassidy up to. I've practically forgotten about her. She's the protagonist right? 30) her name is Jessenia now? i feel like she was just Jess when we last saw her in the voice over section. Yes, I realize they're the same but you should be consistent in the action and character lines 32) It�s our fault because we're the women? It�s our fault some idiot nutted in us and now we have to clean it up... great line but the scene plays out unrealistically. she'd be out the moment she became violent throwing the potted plant. Act II - thoughts. I thought I knew what this was about in Act 1 - I was wrong, obviously because Cassidy is no longer the main driver of the story in this Act. Act II felt a little unfocused to me. It's still interesting but I still don't know what the story is about. What are we driving toward? Also do you want to be so specific with TLC shows. 35. I honestly -- don't think you need comma in between. this chunk of dialogue could probably be smoothed out a little. 35) I liked the Juno thing. funny 38 ) there is sooo much going on. 40) rachel mimi back and fourth is off here. 44) we're a grown ass women -- don't need a 44) access to my credit card? she's a grown ass woman (mother of his children). he's her husband. very strange thing to say. 44) not sure if the dialogue is too on the nose -- but there's something off about this conversation. Act III - thoughts. this was a lot. I enjoy Cassidy -- and feel like the story actually moves when she's involved. 48 ) He�s a complete fucktard - lol 49) It is third grade. Everything in life is third grade -- true. but why is this a big deal? Keith was mean. a prick. they're all adults. 51) Nieth -- should be Keith 52) personally I don't like Keith at all -- and not in a, this character is a bad guy way -- but in a this character seems to pull everything down, way 52) if a deal --should be -- of a deal 53) yep, dislike Keith. 54) T's true = It's true? 54) Jon - soooooo many characters... Act IV - like the last line. 58 ) So, Mimi what's it like munching on vintage carpet? LOL 59) All day I've focusing on everyone but myself. I've BEEN focusing? 59) Who wants to see my tits? cheers LOL 63) babies sleeping in adult beds are dangerous. just sayin'. 66) interesting ending - great twist that she's a mom. Overall thoughts: I really enjoyed the beginning A LOT! The biggest knock is that the story eventually felt unfocused and had so many characters to keep up with. The more branches we followed the more deluded things got for me. Cassidy is the protagonist -- so it's was strange to spend so much time on these side stories.   Also who or what is the antagonist? Can't be Keith -- he's not a biggest part of the story (he is a total ass though). I'm a big believer is clear protagonist and antagonist -- with a clear goal. I'm guessing the goal is Cassidy re-integrating into society -- but again, there's nothing that's standing in her way. I'd personally dial back on the other storylines and beef up Cassidy's story. An hour show with commercials will be 45-50 pgs. -- After writing that I went back and looked at your log line.  Your vision for this is a show about 5 girlfriends. That isn't what this really is though. IMO what's here is a screenplay about Cassidy. If you want to make this the story that your log line promises you have to find a way to show all 5 of them together early on (via flashback or flash forward or whatever) just to set expectations. If your thesis is that adulthood ain't all it cracked up to be but these 5 women can get through anything with each other -- that's cool but you have to put it out early so the reader can better follow along. I was so certain this was "the Cassidy show" because the whole story was about her for so much of the beginning (and she's a great character IMHO). I personally think you should focus on Cassidy and give the other characters time to shine in other episodes. Hope this was at least some what useful.

I think the antogonist is life.  True that typically you do need the protag and the antag, but, in this case, at least for this episode, you can get away with life is against her.  She's both the pro and ant.  At least that's how I read it.

Dan

Same goes here:
Abandoned makeshift homes...'

Her environment/the setting suddenly changes, so ditto there. Write it on a new line. We get Cassidy's look, we see she's now clothed, and then (imagine) the camera changes POV with regard to her surroundings.

In the blink of an eye everything has changed. Of course you could do it the other way around - show the vivid green meadow morph into the slum area - nice visual easily achieved with camera effects, then go to Cassidy's actual change in appearance/different clothing. Either way the fact she's tripping is ripe for dramatic visual effects.

All great adventures
must end either with death or
knowledge.

Ooh, really nice line.

Oh my God. Personally I'd delete (this) Dep Fuzz's preamble line.

I think it's
the user who is bad not the
substance.

'I think it's often the user...'? to make it less definitive of all drug users.

inappropriately cuddles him - Okay, I'm really not sure what you mean by 'inappropriate' here.

that-
Insert space prior to the en-dash

tries to lick him.
Either she does lick him or she doesn't - unless he whips his head around to stop her, or bite her, in which case yes, then she tried. Get it?

DEPUTY FUZZ (CONT’D)

Turn off MORE'S AND CONT'Ds in your software. Some people keep them, however imh, it's a cleaner read without them. Of course they're needed where dialogue/action continues over the page.

(beat) (pause) however you choose to write it
I'm not absolutely against them where I think they suffice. Just make sure you don't use the 'beat' in place of action which we therefore would not see otherwise. For example, if during that 'beat' a character was eyeballing the other furiously, that would be a stronger action than just as a pause. You can leave some stuff up to the actor/director, sure. If you want to leave it to the imagination and context of the scene, similarly that's your choice. Just don't use them too much.

She pulls out a small mirror
and a lipstick-Blue lipstick-and puts in on.

Suggestion: She pulls out (retrieves) a small compact, applies electric-blue lipstick. Smacks her lips together.

laying in the grass.
should be lying on the grass, despite all the lyrics you've listened to. (Lie as opposed to Lay Down Sally) doesn't have quite the same ring, does it? But it isn't grammatically correct. Neither does Snow Patrol 'would you lay here...' well, actually they get it right in the chorus I think. Pet peeve of mine, I'll shut up and direct you to this link below:

http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

BITCHFACE 59:02
Not sure what I'm looking at here? Is it just text from no-one in particular?

I think I get it on the one hand... but is it communication from somebody Cassidy knows, is it a countdown? Apparently I don't get it as much as I thought.

THE SCREEN
in bold is overkill and kinda annoying to me, but you do what you want obviously.

Fuzz heads into the woods
later 'hopes' TYPO
Hops?

In yellow what, exactly?
dressed in yellow (what are they dressed in, a similar garment like orange-people who wear robes?)

(to the People)
(to the people)
All parentheticals are usually in lower case. This may be a typo...

They pass her by. (too static imh)
They race past her.
Verb choice can add a lot to the visual. Use verbs that pop.

She stops dead in her steps.
She stops dead in her tracks.

Deputy Fuzz is now next to her instead of ahead.
Make this more active.
Deputy Fuzz crouches stock still up ahead. Cassidy catches/rushes up to him.
Or similar.

The two watch in silence as the people run over the edge of a
mountain.
Edge of the mountain? Suggestion: The two watch in awe as the yellow people run to the edge of a cliff-face, disappear over the other side.
Or: ... drop over the other side. Now that's some visual.

Depends on what you actually want the audience to see at this point and what directions/alternative visual choices you are inherently giving your director. Reminded me of those zombies in World War Z. Though you wouldn't have a cast of thousands.

So, are we running towards it or
away from it?

I'd ramp up the tension here. Make it more active. As if it's not just metaphorical but that what we're seeing is an active choice to be made.

Do we follow them, or not?

Make it dramatic. Combine and infuse her 'trip' with reality.

Running is the obvious answer; it's
hardly the solution.
Get rid of the semi-colon. They're really not needed in screenplays.

Suggestion: Running away is hardly ever a solution, is it?
or: Running away is never a solution, now is it?
Running away is not an option.

Cassidy appears again right where she started.
Okay, what's happened here? Are we out in the open or still in the woods? Okay, we're in the woods along a trail...

Suggestion: Cassidy bolts through the woods, branches whip and scratch her face... (give us the atmosphere you visualise)

Then further on, suggestion:
Cassidy appears in the clearing, by the fork in the path. Exactly where she started.
She puts her hands on her hips, winded, defeated.

How long do you really think you can go
on like this? Everybody has
their limits Cassidy-even you.
Delete the dash imh. And delete the first sentence imh. (see below)

Everybody has
their limits Cassidy, even you.

Sometimes less is more provides more impact.

Says me, of course. I'm a classic over-writer.
You could even make more impact by splitting it in two sentences. No dash, no comma.

Play around with it.

You can try to outrun the monster
but you've already lost.
(Notions to the correct
path)
Retreat.  

This is about facing your demons or running away, right? Escaping reality through the next high, being in a loop.

'Retreat' sounds like giving up in this context so I'd think more on that line if I were you. About what the actual message Dep Fuzz is giving her.

This piece of dialogue just appears to me to need some more rhythm.

Suggestion:
You can keep running, Cassidy. /Keep trying to outrun the monster...
Or you can face things head on

and I think we both
know you're too self-involved to
kill yourself.

Start a new sentence for more impact:
So, my first thought was:

You and I both know you're way too
self-absorbed/egotistical to kill yourself.

But then I thought 'Self-involved' is a little bit too close to introspection which is usually how people are when they're depressed.

Perhaps you should use a word like 'vain' or 'egotistical' i.e., she's way too fond of life and way too attracted to the opposite sex to ever want to give up on life. Get me?

Just admit you're
scared.
(Alt suggestion) No shame in admitting you're scared.

You're right...I'm a fighter...I
got spark and shit...I got this.

She's determined here, revving herself up. Not sure I'd personally go for all the tapering off ellipses here which really give a slower more contemplative rhythm.

You're right. I'm a fighter... I got spark and shit.
I got this!

Just clarifying too. Is Cassidy saying:

I got spark and shit
or:
I got spark (revelation comes)
Shit... I got this!

I love the final lines of the teaser:

I'm gonna be Ok right?

Punctuation wise:
I'm gonna be OK, right?
or:
I'm gonna be okay, right?

You need that comma for the pause and emphasis of her question, regardless of how you write 'okay'..

Dep Fuzz's response is priceless:

DEPUTY.FUZZ
Meh.

Ha! Great line.

Perhaps include an accompanying visual to go out on with Dep Fuzz. He's an animated rabbit, right? What's he doing in this moment, licking his paws without a care in the world? Staring at some other female bunny in the distance? Making a dubious face. What? His reaction face is needed imh.

.............

EXT. ROAD - DAY

This new scene needs a stabilizer. It can't be a continuous scene, surely. New scene, new day/following week? I dunno. I do know it's abrupt. The time jump needs some establishing, even if just the sun rising, Cassidy brushing herself off, rubbing her eyes to indicate she's been up all night, if in fact it is a continuation of the previous day/night, or if it's something else.

....


Okay, I know I've mentioned a lot of formatting re your opening and not focused on story too much yet. I'll read through the rest and try not to dissect everything and really just give my view on story then, ok?

I do think the opening with Cassidy tripping is a novel idea. I'd just infuse it with a bit more.[/quote]



In continuing with Libby said, try not to use the word "is" in a sentence.  Or "starts to" either.

Which sounds better:

Cassidy starts to run.  Cassidy takes off running.  

Which sounds better:
Cassidy is standing on top of the step.  Cassidy stands on top of the step.

Always keep the action flowing.  Don't use words that slow it down.  

Here were a few other things that I noticed.  Some have been stated already, some haven't.

1.  Why Deputy.Fuzz?  What's the . for?

2.  Error page 3.  You say, Deputy.Fuzz HOPES... shouldn't it be hops?

3.  Also, page 3.  You say the people in yellow run all around them, then you say they run in all different directions.  Those 2 sentences don't make sense, especially one right after the other.

4.  When she says where are you going?  say that in 2 different ways.

5.  All this on page 3.  This is just something that I was taught.  Try not to use the word "is."  You say, Deputy.Fuzz "is" next to her.  Try to say something like Deputy Fuzz stands next to her.  It has to do with keeping the momentum of the story going.  Each time you break it up and slow the reader down is another reason why they might put it down.

6.  You say they are in the woods, then you say they are on a mountain.  I think you need a few more slugs.  Is it run over the edge of the mountain or do they jump?  a bit confused.

7.  On page 5, you have her going down a path, then reappearing back in the same part.  You might want slugs to show this.  The reader could miss this.

8.  End of page 5, you say Cassidy is in her own world.  Do you mean this literally or figuratively?  You might want to rephrase that either way.

9.  page 12, you have 2 locations very close together.  Any reason why?  Does Cassidy crash in the apartment that gets first introduced?  I don't see why you have a shot set up there.  Nothing but the V.O. happens.

10.  top of page 13.  You use the word come.  You do know since you show the 2 women having sex, people will assume you mean cum.

11.  page 13, you have them talking in V.O., but, you don't have that for Tasha and I think it has to be since she isn't there.

I'll trust you that the scene is written correctly with VO for all of this.  I know what you are trying to do, but, I haven't seen much of this sort of work quite like this.

12.  top page 14 another typo.  You say "BUE New Cassidy" do you mean "BUT New Cassidy"?

13.  You say INT. Dana's Loft - hallway  BUT, this reads more like an apartment because Mrs. Collier can watch them.  So, to cover yourself, shouldn't it really be Int/Ext to show that the action covers both inside and outside her apartment??

14.  I'm gonna assume that on page 18 that the truck doesn't do a lot of damage to the parked car.  Also, does the parked car have a car alarm?  You could also go make and year of the car for a bit more detail.

15.  When Cassidy says she can't drive, you miss out on an opportunity to show how she delivers that line.  She can say it cutely, sarcastically, pissed off (no getaway now) etc.  And what is she doing when she says this?  Is she defeated (bows her head etc), erratic, etc.


Hope this helps

Dan

Ok. Thank you for the notes. I am approaching these in a more 'Showcase' style. I.e. I won't be responding to everything. QUESTIONS. COMMENTS. CONCERNS.  (Title of the next episode lol) I don't want to delude anyone's first impressions of the script. And so far everyone feels something completely different.

I will take all notes into consideration during my next re-write.

I'm reminding myself that at the end of the day I know what I'm doing by way of story and characters.  I'm working on a treatment right now.  

I can give explanations for everything pointed out:

It's long. (Not really. I have page breaks and it makes it seem long. It's actually about 63 pgs. And the pilot for a lot of shows range. Alley McBeal pilot was 76 and the pilot for Unreal is about 71 with breaks..so you know) But, I am going to make cuts.

Too many characters.  Maybe I'm just handling the parallel plot lines wrong, but there are shows with more characters than this in their pilot. Sense 8 has 8 main characters. Parenthood had 10. People of earth has 10 +. I'll work on it.

With the acid. I agree to make it more....but most people will discover that acid trips aren't always bad. Sometimes they lead you on a journey of introspection. The whole opening is suppose to be a philosophical notion about escapism.


I'm working on the spelling and grammar.


Thank you, everyone.

Obviously it is your script and no one will ever know it better.  However I will add that while you are correct that many shows have large ensembles in them, how many appeared in the pilot episode?

Also it has been pointed out in other articles that episodes with large ensembles tend to focus on a select few.  For example the Simpsons has a hit huge cast but only a few of them have any speaking parts In the episode.  

If you want each person in it then you might consider having fewer speaking roles.

Also, this is just my opinion, but I would refrain from telling people that it's semi-autobiographical because some might feel that you're too close to make the really hard calls.  How many of us fall in love with our regular stories?  Stuff that is personal or that holds meaning to us really ratchets that part of us that is unwilling to compromise the story in any way.

Let me know if I can help you anymore.  I enjoyed the pilot

Dan

Quoted from DanC Obviously it is your script and no one will ever know it better.  However I will add that while you are correct that many shows have large ensembles in them, how many appeared in the pilot episode? Also it has been pointed out in other articles that episodes with large ensembles tend to focus on a select few.  For example the Simpsons has a hit huge cast but only a few of them have any speaking parts In the episode.   If you want each person in it then you might consider having fewer speaking roles. Also, this is just my opinion, but I would refrain from telling people that it's semi-autobiographical because some might feel that you're too close to make the really hard calls.  How many of us fall in love with our regular stories?  Stuff that is personal or that holds meaning to us really ratchets that part of us that is unwilling to compromise the story in any way. Let me know if I can help you anymore.  I enjoyed the pilot Dan

Every show I just mentioned had all the characters in the pilot. It was part of the overall story and structure for the show in a whole. Look at modern family or life in pieces. Of course,  all those shows handle the plot better than me.

Parenthood touched on everyone in the pilot. But I am making cuts. I think the issue is that I'm introducing everyone at different times.

No worries about me 'Killing my darlings'. I'd rather have too much meat instead of not enough.  

I think everyone should already know that at a minimum you are going to be dealing 5 characters going in just no in the way you expect. I'm going for parallel plot lines here.