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The Fortune Chronicles (Pilot) by Mark Cotton - Series, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A man must overcome his deep-seated personal fears to confront the leader of a powerful but secretive corporation who is assisting an ancient alien life force to facilitate a merge of all human consciousness that will bring an end to the autonomy of the human race. 57 pages - pdf format
Hello. I am reading through this - I will make comments as I go
My first thoughts - The action lines need a good re-write. They can be massively condensed/re-organised so they take up less words and are easier to read - This comes with practice, read some good scripts and see how they tell us a lot with as few words as possible.
I am intrigued by the story, which is why I am still reading.
OK, got to the part where Bennett ages. This needs a re-write as it is not friendly to the reader. For example, he starts as an 11 year old in his bedroom and ends as a 50 year old in an office - this has been written in a single block of action, no new slug line (the last slug line was his bedroom, so that's where I am still picturing myself when I read this) I recently asked for advice on here, and was told about MATCH CUT - i think that could help here so I would suggest researching that.
I am also seeing things that cannot be filmed - remember to write visually - example, you have written that the building houses the headquarters for a company - that is you telling the reader, but how will the viewer see that visually?
Oh look, you have just answered my above question - you have a SUPER telling us the building houses the headquarters, now the viewer knows - this makes writing it in the above action line redundant and can be removed.
I feel there's a lot of over description going on here - making the read a bit laboured - you have described a lot of objects on the shelves in the office - if each one of those objects is relevant later, then fine. But if they are not, I think this can be condensed
OK, conversation between Nicole and Gordy feels a little forced and on the nose - It is also boring me a little, they have been talking about a printer - Now i get that he is a technophobe for some reason (because of the evil corporation perhaps) - but talking for a whole minute about a printer is making me tune out.
More conversation, again seems unnatural and forced - May need a rewrite - You could try asking friends to play the parts and act out the conversation, will highlight what works and what doesn't - what feels unnatural and what could be said (or not said) instead.
Conversation between Dean Dixon and Jeff is incredibly boring - That may be how a conversation goes in real life, but on screen it will bore viewers
I am going to stop there - on page 21 - because I am actually at work lol Will pick it up again later at some point.
For now, remove everything unnecessary - write visually - practice your dialogue
The opening is too immediate. I barely know Hank before something bizarre and impossible happens. I'd recommend adding a couple more scenes to endear the viewers to Hank, before he discovers the pulsating gelatin. I'm still reading, because it's well written, but I feel like so far Hank lacks personality.