Homeschooler by Maurice Vaughan - Series, Dramedy, Family, coming-of-age, fish-out-of-water - Sick of his horrible behavior at school, a busy Spanish mom at war and odds with her 9th-grade son decides to homeschool him, although she never finished high school herself. 47 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hola, Maurice.  

First, the good news.

I see potential in some of "the heart" of what you've written.

The idea of a young girl giving birth and without the emotional support of anyone.

That is a good heartbeat of a story if ever there was one.

The Blue Teddy Bear image was really good.

Question that just occurred to me: Who brought it? Since she's awaiting visitors.

Alright here goes:

She  wouldn’t be in grade nine if she was sixteen.

Do people still write cheques in business?

>SAVANNAH (CONT'D)
Diego, please inform your crew to clean the Oat estate... (listens) Yes, that Oat estate. It's a big one. Do a good job. Thank you.

How about just: Diego, the Oat Estate needs a clean up-- to be done yesterday
(beat)
What other Oat Estates are there?

Whatever it is, make it more real. Overall, I’m noticing the dialogue is sounding unnatural as:

>Do a good job.

Doesn’t Diego always do a good job?

Those little things make a difference.

Here:

>INT. HIGH SCHOOL - OFFICE - DAY

>The students coming and going wear uniforms. Savannah races in, with her pocketbook, and rushes to the SECRETARY.

Are students coming and going in the school office?

Perhaps show them in the halls first.

>Savannah races in, with her pocketbook.

Why is a pocketbook needed?

Here:

>SAVANNAH (fast)
Hola. Savannah Upskill. Mother of Antonio Upskill. Meeting with principal.

Again, off sounding.

Wouldn’t she say something like:

I’m Antonio’s mom. Sorry I’m late.

Because I think the secretary would know, since she schedules meetings, doesn’t she? Or at least she’d be in the loop, having apparently seen Antonio being sent to the office earlier at “point of incident” with poor behaviour.

Page 6 bottom

You have Antonio saying what you meant to be the Principle’s dialogue.

Wait, I’m starting to wonder about the costs involved here. Doesn’t the school have insurance?

And... it doesn’t sound like a mere fight, but more like a bomb went off in there.

Pg 7

>SAVANNAH
Please, Principal Rayburn, don't suspend my son. Her plea soothes Antonio's anger a bit.

>PRINCIPAL RAYBURN
Why not? A lot of damage was done.

It's right here that I finally have to stop reading. It doesn't sound real at all, unless you wanted to create an over-the top kind of comedy. Do you get what I mean? Having Savannah leap onto Principle Rayburn, begging for mercy in what might amount to a hilarious scene, but even still, you'd have to get rid of the whole "you have to pay for damages" thing.

I hope this helps.