Phobia - Episode 1 by Phil Reynolds - Series, Dark Comedy - Tom is going through a life crisis - His Dad has recently died and his wife is having an affair. His fear of death has resurfaced and he attends a special support group which deals with Phobia's.  23 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Phil, not sure if you're around but I read your script. I'm writing a comedy at the moment so I thought I would read someone else's / not write my script.

Overall I liked it. The format is spot on and it reads fast. The ending was strong and it sets up a comedic reason for him to return next week.

It felt very understated with subtle humour which I really liked.
One of the ways I think this could be improved is to flesh out Tom's character at the start. He comes across a bit passive.

For instance, when he gets to the meeting Jodiene says about the group
“it's to help people with Phobia's to overcome their fears that are holding them back from living to their full potential.”

Well, that's not Tom's issue. We haven't seen his phobia manifest itself as a negative in Tom's life. His biggest issue and the one holding him back is his fear of exposing his wife's lie and ending up alone.

I think it would help if you opened with a traumatic event in Tom's life. For example, when Tom is a kid and watching TV and he talks about his fear of death he could turn round and see his Dad having a heart attack and die.

Or... as an adult he could go to see he his dad and discover he died a few weeks ago, alone and no one found him.
This could cause him to have not only a fear of death but a fear of dying alone which would tie in why he doesn't ant to expose his wife's affair for fear of being alone. Especially when he is being tested for the same thing that killed his father.

Anyway, bad examples but my point is, we need to see how this phobia is holding him back.

Another issue was the comedy. You have scenes without jokes.
There are no jokes when he is at the doctors but it's a scene about a man with a fear of death taking a test to determine if he has a hereditary disease. That's comedy gold.

You also have a real chance for some jokes when the characters are talking about their phobias. Sure the phobias themselves are funny but there's more jokes to be had when they are talking about them. Like the guy with a fear of long words! There's so much material there! Also, he says words like syllable and pronounce and has heard other people use long words and not reacted so just how long do these words have to be?

I loved the bit about why there was an empty chair. That was really funny and clever. I wanted a bit more of that.

Anyway, thanks for uploading it and distracting me from writing my script. I think I'm going to take my advise of “more jokes” and apply that to my script.

Let me know if you have any questions. You're a good writer and I enjoyed reading it. I can this kind of show existing. The tone was consistent throughout and you have a strong voice.

Peace.

I don't know how useful this is but if i was going to do a second draft of this, here's what i would do.

1. Include a scene that illustrates Tom' Phobia at the start, as mentioned in my above comment.
2. I wouldn't hint so heavily that his marriage has gone bad in the scene with him and his wife. I would make it seem like a “happy” relationship so the reveal of the infidelity in the meeting is more shocking.
3. I would take out the scene with his wife and her lover. There's no point in it.
4. I would turn the two scenes at the end with Paul into one scene and shorten it. A few things get repeated.
5. I get the impact of him coming home to an empty house to show how alone he is but the issue is that he feels alone within his relationship. I think it would work better if the wife was there, acting normal and Tom just lied about where he was all day. It's another chance to give Tom a decision to make so he doesn't seem too passive.

Like I said, I don't know how useful reviews like this are. I hope suggestions aren't counter productive. It's not my script, it's yours.
They're just thoughts I had while reading so do with them what you will.
Again, I liked your script.

Hi Sam,

Many thanks for your response and ideas. You are exactly right with what your saying and one of the reasons I posted this draft was that kind of feedback because I knew deep down it was far from finished and needed some more depth and comedy.

I am glad I managed to distract you for a while and I am more than happy to return the favour with your script.

Thank you

I'm glad it helped. You've got a really strong base and you write really well.
It will be interesting to see what someone else thinks so hopefully you get another read.

I haven't got anything for you to read at the moment but i appreciate the offer.

Best of luck with it and enjoy the rewrite.

Sam