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Wow, where does one begin? You’ll have gotten a good flavour of how I felt about the script in my page by page notes.
I won’t dwell too much on the formatting issues. I flagged some instances and I see on the thread here that others have too. I’ll just say you need to go learn basic technical craft first. Thankfully, that is easy to do. There are plenty of resources out there to get you going. This site has lot of instructive material too.
In general your prose is ungainly and poorly written. Lots of telling, not a lot of showing, very passive and unwieldy. Again, some Googling will help there. Also, reading other scripts will be a big help so you see what they look like and how they should read.
Story-wise, as I noted, this needs a lot of work I feel. Firstly, in the development department, the fundamental nature of what story you are trying to tell. I would go back to the drawing board, start with an outline or a treatment. What is your script really about, thematically, establish your characters, your world, its backstory. How did we get to this moment in the future where seemingly any regular person can go about becoming a supreme leader?
That in itself is an interesting idea and probably increasingly the direction we are going in as a society where most of us interact with the world impersonally, through screens. It’s a thematically rich subject to mine...but again, as I noted, there is no set up here, there is no world building. We aren’t given any footing in your world. We simply land in amongst these people who are trying to get their friend elected through a series of morally dubious, sometimes inadvertent methods. That’s fine, I get you are going for a satire of sorts of our image obsessed, superficial, transactional world but the execution is so muddled, half baked and poorly conceived. We don’t even meet any of his candidates which again speaks to the myopic scope of the script. His competitors for position of supreme leader will provide some much needed conflict but we only vaguely hear about them in passing, never see them. They are never made real, a viable threat to Teller’s ambitions.
There is little to no forward momentum plot-wise as scenes get bogged down in repetitive, asinine back and forths between characters. Whether it’s about smoking weed, receiving luxuriant gifts or saying over and over that Teller is getting really popular and has a load of interviews lined up because of his empty promises. None of this is particularly funny, insightful or interesting. It gets dull fast. Meaning, at the end of 30 pages, not a whole lot has really happened.
You need to add some dimension and colour to your main cast of characters as they all sound the same and pretty much back each other up so there is no tension there. As I’ve said, they are all as stupid as the next, not much growth gonna happen among this lot.
I appreciate that part of the humour is that these bunch of misfits are somehow succeeding in their exploits. Teller is going from strength to strength in popularity, they’ve literally raised millions and part of the fun is going along with it, suspending your disbelief but I’m afraid my suspenders snapped some time ago, it’s just too silly, too over the top, its requiring me to leave far too much of my brain power at reception...and this is chiefly down to the execution of the concept rather than the concept itself.
I see you were mostly curious about how this worked purely on a comedic level. You’ll have seen from my notes that I got a couple of chuckles, not a lot, most of it was just childish. Other parts just left me scratching my head. I appreciate you were going for the outlandish and absurd but when there isn’t some connective fabric grounding the piece as a whole, a lot of these sequences (I hesitate to call them subplots) feel like they happen sort of independent of each other, disconnected and ungrounded; the bums hanging around, the all to easily convinced wealthy attendees, the midget brawl. There is no rhyme or reason to why these things are happening, why people are acting this way. It’s just a bunch of crazy stuff going on. I feel you just expect us to go along with it, don’t question it. After a while, the relentless bizarre and WTF antics just become tiring. As I noted, every comedy duo has a goofy character balanced by a straight character...your world is seriously (pun intended) lacking the latter.
To reiterate, so I’m not sounding all negative, you have the seed of a interesting idea here. A broad satire of the circus of modern politics, the “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” tactics, the empty promises, the sound-byte nature of self promotion, the superficiality of PR, the growing influence of social media, etc. This is all great, timely material in the era of Trump and fake news.
I’d be interested to know your intentions with this. What inspired you to write it? The closest thing I can think of is Pootie Tang. Where do you anticipate the laughs coming? The physical slapstick-y moments? The “bantering” between characters? Or the satiral elements in how Teller is becoming popular in spite of him and his troupe’s incompetence and cluelessness? Without giving it away, what is your overarching vision for it in terms of story?
In the world I live in this screen play is hilarious and I am far from alone on that decision about it. Sheesh even here not even one percent have chimed in their feelings on it and it's fate will be told in time.
I am thinking after looking at all yours that many may be upset by this script. More than a few were determined and upset by not knowing what Teller's politics are, but in that light you have missed the joke. As said it's not everyone's cup of tea and the minor techs were fixed but I am not changing it more conceptually or otherwise at this point. Thanks to those that were helpful and to the rest that this is driving you crazy for the wrong reasons, sorry that is your experience, definitely nothing I tried to do, this was all in fun and sorry I am still clicking my heels at the numbers. I will let you all know if anything comes from it all.
In the world I live in this screen play is hilarious and I am far from alone on that decision about it. Sheesh even here not even one percent have chimed in their feelings on it and it's fate will be told in time.
It's good you believe in your work. You need to have a healthy level of self assuredness before hoping others will get on board. I wouldn't get too carried away by the view numbers though. I quick perusal of the boards will show that many scripts have lots of views, often exponentially more than actual comments.
Again, if you want to encourage more people chiming in rather than just harvesting anonymous views, get involved in the site, contribute your own opinions on other's work. As of now, this script has more comments than what you've posted yourself here so I guess you can be thankful for that, it's rare. It's just a shame a lot of those comments are non script related...still, as the adage goes: "Bad press is better than no press"
I am thinking after looking at all yours that many may be upset by this script. More than a few were determined and upset by not knowing what Teller's politics are, but in that light you have missed the joke. As said it's not everyone's cup of tea and the minor techs were fixed but I am not changing it more conceptually or otherwise at this point. Thanks to those that were helpful and to the rest that this is driving you crazy for the wrong reasons, sorry that is your experience, definitely nothing I tried to do, this was all in fun and sorry I am still clicking my heels at the numbers. I will let you all know if anything comes from it all.
Lastly, thanks to all the readers, you all rock!
Yeah, I never got too hung up on the specific politics, I reckon there is much more than "minor techs" present though but they are easily fixed. Incessant talk of formatting gives me headaches too.
I'm more curious about why you don't want to engage in a conversation about it, defend your work, explain some of the choices you made, articulate what you are trying to say. You are not obligated of course but your above statements suggests that people here only addressed frivolous, irrelevant technical or ideological things when actually a couple of people were genuinely curious about what you were aiming for when you wrote the script.
It's good you believe in your work. You need to have a healthy level of self assuredness before hoping others will get on board. I wouldn't get too carried away by the view numbers though. I quick perusal of the boards will show that many scripts have lots of views, often exponentially more than actual comments.
Again, if you want to encourage more people chiming in rather than just harvesting anonymous views, get involved in the site, contribute your own opinions on other's work. As of now, this script has more comments than what you've posted yourself here so I guess you can be thankful for that, it's rare. It's just a shame a lot of those comments are non script related...still, as the adage goes: "Bad press is better than no press"
Yeah, I never got too hung up on the specific politics, I reckon there is much more than "minor techs" present though but they are easily fixed. Incessant talk of formatting gives me headaches too.
I'm more curious about why you don't want to engage in a conversation about it, defend your work, explain some of the choices you made, articulate what you are trying to say. You are not obligated of course but your above statements suggests that people here only addressed frivolous, irrelevant technical or ideological things when actually a couple of people were genuinely curious about what you were aiming for when you wrote the script.
Anyway, best of luck with it.
Col.
Seriously? You missed it, I just think enough said here and as you said comments went another course that was even honestly bizarre. Plus, maybe you all don't know but if you "collaborate" with one or more writers too much and your script goes big, makes money, they could hit you up for a piece you never expected thereafter. So being safe instead of sorry should be part of every writer's thinking in collaborative offers. Cheers back!
I saw very little discussion about the actual script from your side outside of "comedy is subjective" (which we can all agree on) and the irony of Teller's continued success in spite of himself. However, yes, admittedly the thread did go off on a tangent with all the bot talk. Such is the nature of internet forums
Plus, maybe you all don't know but if you "collaborate" with one or more writers too much and your script goes big, makes money, they could hit you up for a piece you never expected thereafter. So being safe instead of sorry should be part of every writer's thinking in collaborative offers.
Oh wait, hang on, allow me to clarify. When I said "others will get on board" I just meant that if you have confidence in your own stuff, work on your craft, hone it, others will believe in it too and support it. I didn't mean collaborate.
Apologies for the misunderstanding. I should've made myself clearer.
I saw very little discussion about the actual script from your side outside of "comedy is subjective" (which we can all agree on) and the irony of Teller's continued success in spite of himself. However, yes, admittedly the thread did go off on a tangent with all the bot talk. Such is the nature of internet forums
Oh wait, hang on, allow me to clarify. When I said "others will get on board" I just meant that if you have confidence in your own stuff, work on your craft, hone it, others will believe in it too and support it. I didn't mean collaborate.
Apologies for the misunderstanding. I should've made myself clearer.
As an update, I won for the best log line of the month out of 200 hundred pitches. They also offered me a super deal to get a scene performed. I can't wait to see it live.
As an update, I won for the best log line of the month out of 200 hundred pitches. They also offered me a super deal to get a scene performed. I can't wait to see it live.
By "super deal" do you mean you are paying them to have a scene performed? As a winner it seems a bit odd that you would have to fork out cash.
No, they didn't ask me for any dough they let me know I won. They posted my log line as the winner on this site for the month too. They offered me a cut rate and it was extremely cut rate deal as the winner to get it performed live by actors and get it recorded on video. The dough they asked for wouldn't even pay a single actor.
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Supreme Leader
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