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Dave Solves a Murder (currently 375 views)
Don
Posted: August 19th, 2019, 1:25pm
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So, what are you writing?
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Dave Solves a Murder by Sam Zehr - Series, Comedy - A hard partying Private Investigator whose only credentials come from a BS online certification; tries to solve his best friends murder. 26 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
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JayF
Posted: August 20th, 2019, 10:46am
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Hi Sam,
An interesting read. The story line is intrigueing and i like the visuals. Is it modern day? When I read about the mullet and the dark, seedy bar, I think about the 80s...but then, they didn't have cellphones back then. Is it possible that this guy was a kid in the 80s, grew a mullet and never looked back. Mike's Hard was also (first) big in the 90s, furthering his 'stuck in the past' characterization.
The opening sequence is fun and interesting, but much of the dialogue is 'on the nose' and expository...something that carries throughout the script. One of the best videos I've seen on dialogue is this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIqrWXeiFUs Some formatting problems. Get some (or better) scriptwriting software...there are plenty of free ones available.
Overall though, I really like the over-the-top, mullet-wearing, hard-drinking, blue-collar feel to it. It's funny, Dave is funny, though not intending to be. That's what I like about it.
Cheers.
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