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Roach Motel by Pia Cook (Wraparound Story Written by Sean Chipman) - Short, Horror - Five college students traveling back home from a vacation in Florida are forced by a hurricane to seek shelter in a roadside motel where guests check in but never check out. 37 pages
Zack asked me if I wanted to take part in his 80s horror anthology and I said yes. Little did I know that I would struggle to write this one. I thought four months would be more than plenty of time, but, I guess with this year being a totally wacky one, it was hard. I guess the virus and politics just kept me from being able to write much of anything. Hopefully, things will change now.
I'll take any suggestions on board. Especially regarding the ending. I still stink at those.
The whole script read really fast, characters were distinguishable and entertaining despite their stereotypes.
I'd say 'drowned rat' instead of 'wet', and 'bloodied body' instead of 'bloody', and there are minor typos, but big deal.
You took me along for a gruesome and very creepy ride, and what a riveting ride it is. The bathroom scene took me back to SK's Dreamcatcher.
I hate a combination of heat, humidity and rain, and a confined space, and you put me right there.
Love the little touches too... There's always a friend who will defend e.g. 'it's a living thing', even when that living thing is threatening to kill you.
I'll think some more on the ending... At the moment though I think it's great as is. The only alternative is really having them all die. Far better imho, and a little ode to Alien (and other horrors where things incubate and fester) that Donna's roach will set off another chain reaction and another horde of roaches onto unsuspecting victims.
I'm impressed.
P.S. I remember a little OWC set in a motel, during a hurricane too, from memory.
P.P.S. My first garden flat living alone (beautiful place when I first inspected it) was infested with those little tiny German cockroaches. They were everywhere, got into my electronics, my bed, and they even used to crawl out onto the stove even when I was cooking a meal. Doesn't need saying that thank God I only had a short lease and got out of there pronto!
Hey, Pia. I've been excited to read your episode ever since you told me the title. And, boy, you didn't disappoint.
This is a fun, creepy, and flat out gross tale. Not much in the way of surprises, but that's not really a negative in my book. This delivered exactly the sort of story I expected with a title like that.
Like Libby said, you did a great job with the characters. I was able to get a feel for their different personalities very quickly. Tony was definitely my favorite. Funny Dude! lol
Some really great horror visuals, with the roaches crawling all over the place. Eww. Grosses me out even thinking about it. I HATE bugs!
Victor is a pretty creepy Dude and I enjoyed his motive, even if he did get a little too talky there towards the end. Still enjoyed how he met his demise. Gruesome!
I also really like the way you ended this. Love me some good sequel bait.
Great work here, Pia. I'm very happy you agreed to take part in this anthology.
Sean, the wraparound continues to get more and more interesting as it goes along. Can't wait to see how it all ties up.
Ha! Yeah, that was really the only point with this. I co-wrote a feature with the same title once. I always liked the title since that is also the name of those traps. This one is completely different than the feature though. Another reason I went with this story is that I remember when I was a teenager and I watched a lot of cheesy horrors with creature monsters. Like worms and such. They seemed to have no other point than being disgusting, lol.
I'd say 'drowned rat' instead of 'wet', and 'bloodied body' instead of 'bloody', and there are minor typos, but big deal
I think I will have to disagree with you on the drowned rat description. Why? Wet is shorter and also implies that the rat is still alive while the drowned rat desription implies that it's a dead rat. After all these years, I'm still learning the language.
I hate a combination of heat, humidity and rain, and a confined space, and you put me right there.
Love the little touches too... There's always a friend who will defend e.g. 'it's a living thing', even when that living thing is threatening to kill you.
Believe it or not, but even though I don't LOVE heat, humidity, and rain, I'll take that over being cold anytime.
I have plenty of friends who are Hare Krishnas, Buddhists or whatever and they get really bent out of shape if you kill anything. Even insects.
I'll think some more on the ending... At the moment though I think it's great as is. The only alternative is really having them all die. Far better imho, and a little ode to Alien (and other horrors where things incubate and fester) that Donna's roach will set off another chain reaction and another horde of roaches onto unsuspecting victims.
I'm impressed.
P.S. I remember a little OWC set in a motel, during a hurricane too, from memory.
P.P.S. My first garden flat living alone (beautiful place when I first inspected it) was infested with those little tiny German cockroaches. They were everywhere, got into my electronics, my bed, and they even used to crawl out onto the stove even when I was cooking a meal. Doesn't need saying that thank God I only had a short lease and got out of there pronto!
I struggled so with the ending. For some reason, it just wouldn't come to me. Then Zack put some pressure on me to finish this!!! And, I downed a few beers and forced myself to finish. So, that's what's here.
Yes, that OWC was when Michael and I planned on shooting a bunch of shorts at one of these motels. A lot of things fell out of place though. Among one of them was the motel I was going to use, was converted into a homeless veterans place. It's still puke green and red though.
I hear you on the infestation. Living in Florida, we have plenty of insects of all kinds. As long as they stay outdoors, they don't bother me.
Thank you so much for the read, Libby! If I can return the read, just point me in the right directions. I have not kept up with members' script postings in the last year.
I think I will have to disagree with you on the drowned rat description. Why? Wet is shorter and also implies that the rat is still alive while the drowned rat desription implies that it's a dead rat. After all these years, I'm still learning the language.
Fair enough, and you're entirely within your rights to tell me to get back in my box...But just in case you've never come across the idiom:
Thanks for sharing. I didn't know. To me, it was just the visuals. A pissed off rat with spiky wet fur climbing out of the sewer vs a dead rat floating belly up down the sewer.
First off, kick-ass poster. Whoever did that deserves some props. This reminded me of the original Creepshow from the 80s. There was an episode of an old man killing roaches in his sterile apartment and eventually they got fed up with him. Ends as he's dead and they all burst out of his skin. When I saw it as a kid I really shivered.
This was somewhat similar, but original. You do a nice job foreshadowing the events to come with conversation in the van. And the characters were easy enough to tell apart which is always difficult with these ensembles. Each of their little quirks played nicely into their demise.
If I had any complaints it would be the big motive reveal for Viktor. He blabbed on so much about his master plan that it felt like a Scooby-Doo episode for a second. And I thought you were going to have more fun with Tony on the toilet. We just got to see the aftermath.
This felt like 80s horror from the get go. I can't really comment on the intro and outro because I haven't been following these episodes, but it seems interesting.
Anyway, nice twisted little tale here. Was fun to read something from you again.
Can't believe this slipped by me. Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Fais85 for the AMAZING poster you and your brother created for this episode. You guys absolutely knocked it out of the fuckin' park. You're both some super talented Dudes. Thank you very much.
This is a fun, creepy, and flat out gross tale. Not much in the way of surprises, but that's not really a negative in my book. This delivered exactly the sort of story I expected with a title like that.
Victor is a pretty creepy Dude and I enjoyed his motive, even if he did get a little too talky there towards the end. Still enjoyed how he met his demise. Gruesome!
I don't know. Seems like it's fairly common for the antagonists to babbel on in the end. When I had less of his talking, one reader wanted to know more and said there was not enough information.
Great work here, Pia. I'm very happy you agreed to take part in this anthology.
Sean, the wraparound continues to get more and more interesting as it goes along. Can't wait to see how it all ties up.
How could I say no??? I just wish things around me and the world, I guess, didn't kill my mojo and the inspiration to write. But who knows, maybe 2021 will be much better?
This reminded me of the original Creepshow from the 80s. There was an episode of an old man killing roaches in his sterile apartment and eventually they got fed up with him. Ends as he's dead and they all burst out of his skin. When I saw it as a kid I really shivered.
I actually did purchase that on Amazon as soon as I found out there was something with roaches already out there. I wanted to make sure they were not too similar.
One note on that movie. I LOVE Stephen King, but OMG he's a terrible actor!!! Lol.
This was somewhat similar, but original. You do a nice job foreshadowing the events to come with conversation in the van. And the characters were easy enough to tell apart which is always difficult with these ensembles. Each of their little quirks played nicely into their demise.
I usually avoid writing an ensemble cast as I find them very hard to do.
If I had any complaints it would be the big motive reveal for Viktor. He blabbed on so much about his master plan that it felt like a Scooby-Doo episode for a second. And I thought you were going to have more fun with Tony on the toilet. We just got to see the aftermath.
Since this was supposed to take place in the 80s, I wanted there to be an element of that cold war because it was a big thing in our lives at the time. I wasn't sure if I should show Tony being killed or it being a shock when they find out later. I don't think I can have both?
Loved this! Loved all the characters, the setting, and the tone of the story.
*** SPOILERS***
A small nitpick. Viktor was a Soviet agent. He had a secret lab where he was experimenting. His final goal is to destroy the country.
Why would he tell these guys about hybrid roaches in the beginning? That may blow his cover. An undercover agent will never do that.
That's just my personal opinion.
As for the ending, I think it works. It gives us that 80s feeling that you are attempting.
You make a good point, and I thought along those lines myself. My thinking here was that I needed something that keeps these guys from just packing up and leave at the first sight of bugs. The hurricane is the force that keeps them from being able to leave. That left me with the option of Viktor knowing they would not survive the night and therefore not worrying about them spilling the beans. That was my thinking at least. Perfect? No.
Thanks again for reading and making the coolest poster ever!!!
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