Thanks, Pia!

I think still you can get away with that thing. By looking at the condition of the place that you've described, nobody would want to stay there anyways. Viktor can just smile at them like he knows something. Just a personal opinion. Regardless, the script is solid.

Hello there,

I think all stories should start with plump butt cheeks. The world would be a better place.

That was some fun creepy crawly mayhem. The characters had their own little things to differentiate them, which is hard with five people. One suggestion is to take Chris further, make him completely full of himself with the acting career.

The whole thing with Victor breeding a nuclear roach army is a bit wild and out there. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's out there in a fun way. If anything, there's room for more of that. Like a sex scene with roaches crawling in bad places. If it went weirder and wilder, I'd be okay with it, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, and I liked the ending. Very gross.

Quoted from MarkItZero I think all stories should start with plump butt cheeks. The world would be a better place.

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Quoted from MarkItZero That was some fun creepy crawly mayhem. The characters had their own little things to differentiate them, which is hard with five people. One suggestion is to take Chris further, make him completely full of himself with the acting career.

Yes, I would agree. Someone suggested his acting abilities or lack of, should come into play somewhere too.

Quoted from MarkItZero The whole thing with Victor breeding a nuclear roach army is a bit wild and out there. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's out there in a fun way. If anything, there's room for more of that. Like a sex scene with roaches crawling in bad places. If it went weirder and wilder, I'd be okay with it, that's all I'm saying. Oh, and I liked the ending. Very gross.

Being older, lol, I remember a lot of movies in the 70s especially, seemed to always have some sort of communist/USSR angle to them. That's why it's there. Most people don't seem to remember how the cold war was a big part of our daily lives.

Thanks for reading. Hit me up if you want a read of something of yours.  .

Saw this was up late last week, and gave it a read yesterday.

First, I want to comment on the wraparound story...and I'll be brief.  I don't like it.  It has to be going somewhere, but where that is remains a mystery, and for me, this is just way too convoluted and long winded.

OK, sorry for that, let's get to Roach Motel.

Here we have a "classic" old concept, that plays through somewhat as one might expect.  Is that a bad thing?  No, it's not, but let's say I wasn't very surprised or shocked as this played out.

At just over 31 pages, this reads quickly and rather easily, which is good.  But, it also feels rushed, as in not a whole lot happens, over those 31 pages...well...until things start happening.  HA!

Within the first page and a half, the setup is clear - the group of kids is in trouble in "classic" form, with an empty gas tank, and an impending hurricane.  Florida is close to 500 miles "long", South to North, meaning depending on where they were, they've already had to fill up, most likely, and why anyone would let their ride run out of gas in a situation like this, is baffling, but then again, how many great movies have we seen this in?  ALOT!  Basically, the setup is classic 1980's, so I've got no complaints.

But, then we take some 5/6 pages to get to our titular "Roach Motel".  For me, this was too long, and I think getting them there quicker would help with the flow, and give you more time to show what you want to show - Killer Giant Mutant Roaches!

We meet, "Old Victor", who really should be intro'd as just, "Victor".  He's 70 and skinny, which I think is a mistake, because any one of these kids, including the girls, could kick his ass, if necessary...yet, we know by the end, this isn't quite true.  For me, Victor gives away WAY TOO MUCH info when the kids first meet him.  Again, we see this in movies like this all the time, so it's cool, but for me, I wouldn't make it so obvious what he's all about.

On Page 13 (probably Page 10 of this actual short, taking out the wraparound story), the kids finally get into their room, and again, I think this is too late, only because I feel the lead in is too long, or maybe just not enough stuff happens before this, or we don't learn enough about our group, even though I can definitely tell you tried.

Bathroom scene - Page 15 - this is good.  You start it out nicely by showing some roaches and make it clear the girls do not.  Great setup for what we know or assume will go down in there.

And on Page 17, we go back to the bathroom, but for me, the scene doesn't work as written.  I love everything except the big fact that Donna doesn't see the "hundreds" of roaches that are literally on her and biting her.  Closed eyes, shampoo in eyes, whatever, but it just doesn't fly for me, and I remember shaking my head about this part.  I'd actually recommend that she definitely does see them and freaks out, gets the fuck out of the tub and bathroom, buttarse nude, of course, and runs into the main room, scared out of her mind.  But when the guys go in to investigate, no roaches, and they think she's just imagining them.

So, now Tony goes into the bathroom to shit, and again, we know this ain't gonna be god for him, especially because no one has died, and we're at the point where someone needs to.

Page 21 - and Tony is still in the bathroom, but we know what's going down in there...yet, you chose not to show anything...which I think is quite cool, yet, remember, we haven't seen any death or horror as of yet, and we're deep into the script.

Page 22 and the roaches make their presence known in the main room.  Tony and the bathroom still a mystery.

Bottom of Page 23 - "We have to get it opened.  He could be really sick in there." - Bad line, IMO.

And then on Page 24, another bad line from Chris - "We have to get the door open.  Something’s very wrong in there."

So, check this out, Tony has been in the bathroom since Page 19, and yeah, stuff is going down in the main room, but for me, it's just too long a wait to find out what's up in there.

So, now Donna and James head to the front desk, which is good, as now we have our kids split up and you can go back and forth between scenes.

Page 25 - Tony's fate is revealed, but the only one who says anything is Chris, and Chris' dialogue is an issue, IMO.

You have "Susan and James step out", but it's actually Susan and Chris.

We have like 4 pages of Donna and James exploring the "lab" rooms, which although pretty interesting and creepy, is just too long again.  Like why wouldn't Chris go find them and tell them what just happened to old Tony?  And what are they doing in the minivan...just hanging out?

OK, finally, on Page 29, we go back to the 2 in the minivan, and again, Chris' dialogue just doesn't come off as remotely realistic, and the attack in there with the roaches doesn't work for me, as written.  Their demise is well done and gross, as you intended, but I think at least 1 of them should escape the van, which would be very simple to do.  It would be a neat scene with 1 or both outside, covered in roaches, trying to get them off.

The finale is what I don't love so much, as it just goes on and on with talking and revealing Victor's plan, like a James Bond baddie.  I don't like how Victor has the upper hand on James, almost strangling him, while wearing a Hazmat suit.  I'd seriously suggest reworking the finale and making it "better".

The very ending is good...expected, but true to the 80's.

All in all, I like this, Pia, but it feels like it needs more attention, and the dialogue can be improved quite a bit.

Hope this helps.

Quoted from Dreamscale Here we have a "classic" old concept, that plays through somewhat as one might expect.  Is that a bad thing?  No, it's not, but let's say I wasn't very surprised or shocked as this played out.

Not too many ways I could go with this since the title kind of dictates where it's heading. Lesson learned, be careful when the title is too specific...

Quoted from Dreamscale At just over 31 pages, this reads quickly and rather easily, which is good.  But, it also feels rushed, as in not a whole lot happens, over those 31 pages...well...until things start happening.  HA!

I think I probably started writing this with a feature feel. I've been doing mostly features these last few years and try to avoid shorts, even though I love writing them and watching them. It's features I need to get better at, not shorts.

Quoted from Dreamscale Within the first page and a half, the setup is clear - the group of kids is in trouble in "classic" form, with an empty gas tank, and an impending hurricane.  Florida is close to 500 miles "long", South to North, meaning depending on where they were, they've already had to fill up, most likely, and why anyone would let their ride run out of gas in a situation like this, is baffling, but then again, how many great movies have we seen this in?  ALOT!  Basically, the setup is classic 1980's, so I've got no complaints.

You'd be surprised how many people can't think ahead. Every time there's a hurricane here, people are surprised that gas stations run out of gas. I pictured this playing out near me here in North Central Florida rather than coastal or Central. HWY 441 runs right through here and a lot of it is rural. Before the interstates were built in the 50s, this road was the main thoroughfare in Florida. There are a LOT of these rundown motels along that highway that were the main places to stay when traveling north and south back then. Since the interstate, only weirdos and bikers seem to frequent them. Just to be clear, I have no issues with weirdos or bikers, lol.

Quoted from Dreamscale But, then we take some 5/6 pages to get to our titular "Roach Motel".  For me, this was too long, and I think getting them there quicker would help with the flow, and give you more time to show what you want to show - Killer Giant Mutant Roaches!

Again, the pacing was probably more like a feature. To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever written a script with 30 some pages before.

Quoted from Dreamscale We meet, "Old Victor", who really should be intro'd as just, "Victor".  He's 70 and skinny, which I think is a mistake, because any one of these kids, including the girls, could kick his ass, if necessary...yet, we know by the end, this isn't quite true.  For me, Victor gives away WAY TOO MUCH info when the kids first meet him.  Again, we see this in movies like this all the time, so it's cool, but for me, I wouldn't make it so obvious what he's all about.

I can agree with that.

Quoted from Dreamscale On Page 13 (probably Page 10 of this actual short, taking out the wraparound story), the kids finally get into their room, and again, I think this is too late, only because I feel the lead in is too long, or maybe just not enough stuff happens before this, or we don't learn enough about our group, even though I can definitely tell you tried.

I tried to show character rather than giving it through dialogue. Probably needs more, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'm going back to this one.

Quoted from Dreamscale Bathroom scene - Page 15 - this is good.  You start it out nicely by showing some roaches and make it clear the girls do not.  Great setup for what we know or assume will go down in there. And on Page 17, we go back to the bathroom, but for me, the scene doesn't work as written.  I love everything except the big fact that Donna doesn't see the "hundreds" of roaches that are literally on her and biting her.  Closed eyes, shampoo in eyes, whatever, but it just doesn't fly for me, and I remember shaking my head about this part.  I'd actually recommend that she definitely does see them and freaks out, gets the fuck out of the tub and bathroom, buttarse nude, of course, and runs into the main room, scared out of her mind.  But when the guys go in to investigate, no roaches, and they think she's just imagining them.

That's a good idea! I want here to be scared of them, but at the same time trying to be this gentle type that respects all life forms.

Quoted from Dreamscale So, now Tony goes into the bathroom to shit, and again, we know this ain't gonna be god for him, especially because no one has died, and we're at the point where someone needs to. Page 21 - and Tony is still in the bathroom, but we know what's going down in there...yet, you chose not to show anything...which I think is quite cool, yet, remember, we haven't seen any death or horror as of yet, and we're deep into the script. Page 22 and the roaches make their presence known in the main room.  Tony and the bathroom still a mystery.

Others have pointed that out as well, so it must be the way to go.

Quoted from Dreamscale Bottom of Page 23 - "We have to get it opened.  He could be really sick in there." - Bad line, IMO. And then on Page 24, another bad line from Chris - "We have to get the door open.  Something’s very wrong in there."

Dialogue is not my strong suit, but you probably know this.

Quoted from Dreamscale So, check this out, Tony has been in the bathroom since Page 19, and yeah, stuff is going down in the main room, but for me, it's just too long a wait to find out what's up in there. So, now Donna and James head to the front desk, which is good, as now we have our kids split up and you can go back and forth between scenes. Page 25 - Tony's fate is revealed, but the only one who says anything is Chris, and Chris' dialogue is an issue, IMO.

I hear you.

Quoted from Dreamscale You have "Susan and James step out", but it's actually Susan and Chris.

Mistake.

Quoted from Dreamscale We have like 4 pages of Donna and James exploring the "lab" rooms, which although pretty interesting and creepy, is just too long again.  Like why wouldn't Chris go find them and tell them what just happened to old Tony?  And what are they doing in the minivan...just hanging out?

They are supposed to be sort of in shock and just staying in the car away from the roaches. I can see what you mean though with Chris not going to look for the others.

Quoted from Dreamscale OK, finally, on Page 29, we go back to the 2 in the minivan, and again, Chris' dialogue just doesn't come off as remotely realistic, and the attack in there with the roaches doesn't work for me, as written.  Their demise is well done and gross, as you intended, but I think at least 1 of them should escape the van, which would be very simple to do.  It would be a neat scene with 1 or both outside, covered in roaches, trying to get them off.

I think that idea came to me from a horror movie I watched decades ago and that scene has stayed with me all these years. It was a movie about worms. Your suggestion though goes with the poster!

Quoted from Dreamscale The finale is what I don't love so much, as it just goes on and on with talking and revealing Victor's plan, like a James Bond baddie.  I don't like how Victor has the upper hand on James, almost strangling him, while wearing a Hazmat suit.  I'd seriously suggest reworking the finale and making it "better".

I was soooo stuck on the ending, it took me a month to do. I finally just had a few beers and finished it without worrying if it was good or bad. I just had to type FADE OUT or Zack would get disappointed in me.  

Quoted from Dreamscale The very ending is good...expected, but true to the 80's. All in all, I like this, Pia, but it feels like it needs more attention, and the dialogue can be improved quite a bit. Hope this helps.

You are 100% right. I just don't think I have it in me to pay more attention to this one. Besides the dialogue issues I have which I think have to do with my own English and how I speak, I just don't really see anything happening with this. The length is not ideal for a short and I have no interest in extending it into a feature either. I'm also not that much into horrors anymore. I love them when they are done well, but so few are. My love these days are thrillers and suspense movies. I am getting a LOT better at those.

Thanks for taking your time and reading all of these. We appreciate it.  

Hey Pia,

I won't repeat too much of what I commented on when I read this before it was posted. I will say it's probably my favorite of the bunch so far. All the characters each have their own distinct personality and voices and the read goes by really quick. I liked the ending you decided to go with, though I probably would've only went with one survivor, but I liked it nevertheless. I loved the idea of this story happening during a hurricane and I love how you had the bad guy, Viktor, come up with the idea to use the hurricane as a way to spread these human-eating cockroaches. The main issue I had is the set-up takes up the majority of this and then all the action happens in the last 10 minutes or so. I saw in earlier comments that you were writing it like it was a feature, which really does explain why it's so set-up heavy in comparison to the ending. Felt like it went from 1st act, skipped the 2nd act and first part of a 3rd act and just went straight from 1st act to climax. I actually think this would make a cool 80-page script, maybe even shorter -- the standard screenplay length seems to get shorter and shorter, but would actually fit perfectly for this type of film, without overstaying its welcome (like an hour and 10 minute film). My only recommendation would to open with a gross-out scene to set the tone for the rest -- that way, you can have that stretch of the script after that for the set-up.

All in all, I had a fun time reading this.

-- Michael

Hey, thanks for chiming in on this.

I honestly think the length of this one is the issue. I could probably write a 10 page or less script about this, or a feature, but 30 or so, is new to me. You are right. Started out like a feature, but then I panicked about it being too long and just sort of ended it.

I appreciate your positive thoughts. It's encouraging.

On a different note, I'm nearing the end of the rewrite on that thriller of mine you read. I think it kicks ass, and I NEVER say that about anything I write. So, thanks for your input on that one too. I honestly would be surprised if it got no interest at all.

Cheers.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Hey, thanks for chiming in on this. I honestly think the length of this one is the issue. I could probably write a 10 page or less script about this, or a feature, but 30 or so, is new to me. You are right. Started out like a feature, but then I panicked about it being too long and just sort of ended it. I appreciate your positive thoughts. It's encouraging. On a different note, I'm nearing the end of the rewrite on that thriller of mine you read. I think it kicks ass, and I NEVER say that about anything I write. So, thanks for your input on that one too. I honestly would be surprised if it got no interest at all. Cheers.

Ah, yes, Desert Tears if I'm not mistaken? I think the only issue I had (and I think you expressed you had) was with the ending. Everything up to that was top notch. And even the ending you had, I was cool with on the most part. It was a non-stop action ride and pretty low budget (outside of the ending). I read over 60 unproduced features since COVID and the fact that I remember your script so well is already a great sign. Would love to see what you do with that ending, it was a kickass script. And I think your long overdue for another produced feature. And "Desert Tears" has the potential to be the best film of the bunch.

-- Michael