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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Roach Motel - episode 5 of Horrific Tales... Moderators: bert
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  Author    Roach Motel - episode 5 of Horrific Tales...  (currently 1682 views)
Don
Posted: November 8th, 2020, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Roach Motel by Pia Cook (Wraparound Story Written by Sean Chipman) - Short, Horror - Five college students traveling back home from a vacation in Florida are forced by a hurricane to seek shelter in a roadside motel where guests check in but never check out. 37 pages

Episode Four of Horrific Tales of the Wickedly Macabre
- pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Grandma Bear
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Whoopee!! Thanks, Don!

Zack asked me if I wanted to take part in his 80s horror anthology and I said yes. Little did I know that I would struggle to write this one. I thought four months would be more than plenty of time, but, I guess with this year being a totally wacky one, it was hard. I guess the virus and politics just kept me from being able to write much of anything. Hopefully, things will change now.

I'll take any suggestions on board. Especially regarding the ending. I still stink at those.  


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LC
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Wow! Disgustingly good, Pia.

The whole script read really fast, characters were distinguishable and entertaining despite their stereotypes.

I'd say 'drowned rat' instead of 'wet', and 'bloodied body' instead of 'bloody', and there are minor typos, but big deal.

You took me along for a gruesome and very creepy ride, and what a riveting ride it is.
The bathroom scene took me back to SK's Dreamcatcher.

I hate a combination of heat, humidity and rain, and a confined space, and you put me right there.

Love the little touches too... There's always a friend who will defend e.g. 'it's a living thing', even when that living thing is threatening to kill you.  

I'll think some more on the ending... At the moment though I think it's great as is. The only alternative is really having them all die. Far better imho, and a little ode to Alien (and other horrors where things incubate and fester) that Donna's roach will set off another chain reaction and another horde of roaches onto unsuspecting victims.

I'm impressed.

P.S. I remember a little OWC set in a motel, during a hurricane too, from memory.  

P.P.S. My first garden flat living alone (beautiful place when I first inspected it) was infested with those little tiny German cockroaches. They were everywhere, got into my electronics, my bed, and they even used to crawl out onto the stove even when I was cooking a meal. Doesn't need saying that thank God I only had a short lease and got out of there pronto!


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Zack
Posted: November 8th, 2020, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Pia. I've been excited to read your episode ever since you told me the title. And, boy, you didn't disappoint.

This is a fun, creepy, and flat out gross tale. Not much in the way of surprises, but that's not really a negative in my book. This delivered exactly the sort of story I expected with a title like that.

Like Libby said, you did a great job with the characters.  I was able to get a feel for their different personalities very quickly. Tony was definitely my favorite. Funny Dude! lol

Some really great horror visuals, with the roaches crawling all over the place. Eww. Grosses me out even thinking about it. I HATE bugs!

Victor is a pretty creepy Dude and I enjoyed his motive, even if he did get a little too talky there towards the end. Still enjoyed how he met his demise. Gruesome!

I also really like the way you ended this. Love me some good sequel bait.

Great work here, Pia. I'm very happy you agreed to take part in this anthology.

Sean, the wraparound continues to get more and more interesting as it goes along. Can't wait to see how it all ties up.
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from LC
Wow! Disgustingly good, Pia.


Ha! Yeah, that was really the only point with this. I co-wrote a feature with the same title once. I always liked the title since that is also the name of those traps. This one is completely different than the feature though. Another reason I went with this story is that I remember when I was a teenager and I watched a lot of cheesy horrors with creature monsters. Like worms and such. They seemed to have no other point than being disgusting, lol.


Quoted from LC

The whole script read really fast, characters were distinguishable and entertaining despite their stereotypes.


Reads fast seems to be my trademark nowadays. I guess that's a good thing.  


Quoted from LC
I'd say 'drowned rat' instead of 'wet', and 'bloodied body' instead of 'bloody', and there are minor typos, but big deal


I think I will have to disagree with you on the drowned rat description. Why? Wet is shorter and also implies that the rat is still alive while the drowned rat desription implies that it's a dead rat. After all these years, I'm still learning the language.


Quoted from LC
You took me along for a gruesome and very creepy ride, and what a riveting ride it is.
The bathroom scene took me back to SK's Dreamcatcher.


I remember that one. Not my favorite SK book. I think expiring while on the toilet is a fear of some. Don't want to go like Elvis...


Quoted from LC
I hate a combination of heat, humidity and rain, and a confined space, and you put me right there.

Love the little touches too... There's always a friend who will defend e.g. 'it's a living thing', even when that living thing is threatening to kill you.  


Believe it or not, but even though I don't LOVE heat, humidity, and rain, I'll take that over being cold anytime.

I have plenty of friends who are Hare Krishnas, Buddhists or whatever and they get really bent out of shape if you kill anything. Even insects.


Quoted from LC
I'll think some more on the ending... At the moment though I think it's great as is. The only alternative is really having them all die. Far better imho, and a little ode to Alien (and other horrors where things incubate and fester) that Donna's roach will set off another chain reaction and another horde of roaches onto unsuspecting victims.

I'm impressed.

P.S. I remember a little OWC set in a motel, during a hurricane too, from memory.  

P.P.S. My first garden flat living alone (beautiful place when I first inspected it) was infested with those little tiny German cockroaches. They were everywhere, got into my electronics, my bed, and they even used to crawl out onto the stove even when I was cooking a meal. Doesn't need saying that thank God I only had a short lease and got out of there pronto!


I struggled so with the ending. For some reason, it just wouldn't come to me. Then Zack put some pressure on me to finish this!!! And, I downed a few beers and forced myself to finish. So, that's what's here.

Yes, that OWC was when Michael and I planned on shooting a bunch of shorts at one of these motels. A lot of things fell out of place though. Among one of them was the motel I was going to use, was converted into a homeless veterans place. It's still puke green and red though.

I hear you on the infestation. Living in Florida, we have plenty of insects of all kinds. As long as they stay outdoors, they don't bother me.

Thank you so much for the read, Libby! If I can return the read, just point me in the right directions. I have not kept up with members' script postings in the last year.  






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LC
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I think I will have to disagree with you on the drowned rat description. Why? Wet is shorter and also implies that the rat is still alive while the drowned rat desription implies that it's a dead rat. After all these years, I'm still learning the language.


Fair enough, and you're entirely within your rights to tell me to get back in my box...But just in case you've never come across the idiom:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/like%20a%20drowned%20rat
https://www.dictionary.com/bro.....%20the%20year%201500.

It's neither here nor there in the overall script.
Terrific stuff regardless.


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Grandma Bear
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Thanks for sharing. I didn't know. To me, it was just the visuals. A pissed off rat with spiky wet fur climbing out of the sewer vs a dead rat floating belly up down the sewer.


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LC
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Ooh, useful then.
Happy to contribute to your Master's degree in English.  



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jwent6688
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Nice work, Pia.

First off, kick-ass poster. Whoever did that deserves some props. This reminded me of the original Creepshow from the 80s. There was an episode of an old man killing roaches in his sterile apartment and eventually they got fed up with him. Ends as he's dead and they all burst out of his skin. When I saw it as a kid I really shivered.

This was somewhat similar, but original. You do a nice job foreshadowing the events to come with conversation in the van. And the characters were easy enough to tell apart which is always difficult with these ensembles. Each of their little quirks played nicely into their demise.

If I had any complaints it would be the big motive reveal for Viktor. He blabbed on so much about his master plan that it felt like a Scooby-Doo episode for a second. And I thought you were going to have more fun with Tony on the toilet. We just got to see the aftermath.

This felt like 80s horror from the get go. I can't really comment on the intro and outro because I haven't been following these episodes, but it seems interesting.

Anyway, nice twisted little tale here. Was fun to read something from you again.

Cheers,
James


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Fais85
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Hi, Pia!

Loved this! Loved all the characters, the setting, and the tone of the story.

*** SPOILERS***

A small nitpick. Viktor was a Soviet agent. He had a secret lab where he was experimenting. His final goal is to destroy the country.

Why would he tell these guys about hybrid roaches in the beginning? That may blow his cover. An undercover agent will never do that.

That's just my personal opinion.

As for the ending, I think it works. It gives us that 80s feeling that you are attempting.

********************************

The wrap around story felt like abruptly ended in this one. Probably that was intentional.
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Zack
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Can't believe this slipped by me. Just wanted to give a quick shout out to Fais85 for the AMAZING poster you and your brother created for this episode. You guys absolutely knocked it out of the fuckin' park. You're both some super talented Dudes. Thank you very much.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  November 10th, 2020, 2:05am
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Fais85
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Thanks for the shoutout, Zack!
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Zack
Hey, Pia. I've been excited to read your episode ever since you told me the title. And, boy, you didn't disappoint.

Thank you!  


Quoted from Zack
This is a fun, creepy, and flat out gross tale. Not much in the way of surprises, but that's not really a negative in my book. This delivered exactly the sort of story I expected with a title like that.

I can't do twists aaallll the time.  


Quoted from Zack
Some really great horror visuals, with the roaches crawling all over the place. Eww. Grosses me out even thinking about it. I HATE bugs!

I do too and there are plenty of them down here.


Quoted from Zack
Victor is a pretty creepy Dude and I enjoyed his motive, even if he did get a little too talky there towards the end. Still enjoyed how he met his demise. Gruesome!

I don't know. Seems like it's fairly common for the antagonists to babbel on in the end. When I had less of his talking, one reader wanted to know more and said there was not enough information.


Quoted from Zack
I also really like the way you ended this. Love me some good sequel bait.

I always try to leave things open for that. Not that I expect it here though.


Quoted from Zack
Great work here, Pia. I'm very happy you agreed to take part in this anthology.

Sean, the wraparound continues to get more and more interesting as it goes along. Can't wait to see how it all ties up.

How could I say no??? I just wish things around me and the world, I guess, didn't kill my mojo and the inspiration to write. But who knows, maybe 2021 will be much better?

Thank Sean, for stringing the stories together!

I hope Dena is still in.


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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from jwent6688
First off, kick-ass poster. Whoever did that deserves some props.

I agree! Lots of comments on FB. A lot more than when I post pictures of grandkids or pets!!!!!  


Quoted from jwent6688
This reminded me of the original Creepshow from the 80s. There was an episode of an old man killing roaches in his sterile apartment and eventually they got fed up with him. Ends as he's dead and they all burst out of his skin. When I saw it as a kid I really shivered.

I actually did purchase that on Amazon as soon as I found out there was something with roaches already out there. I wanted to make sure they were not too similar.

One note on that movie. I LOVE Stephen King, but OMG he's a terrible actor!!! Lol.


Quoted from jwent6688
This was somewhat similar, but original. You do a nice job foreshadowing the events to come with conversation in the van. And the characters were easy enough to tell apart which is always difficult with these ensembles. Each of their little quirks played nicely into their demise.

I usually avoid writing an ensemble cast as I find them very hard to do.


Quoted from jwent6688
If I had any complaints it would be the big motive reveal for Viktor. He blabbed on so much about his master plan that it felt like a Scooby-Doo episode for a second. And I thought you were going to have more fun with Tony on the toilet. We just got to see the aftermath.

Since this was supposed to take place in the 80s, I wanted there to be an element of that cold war because it was a big thing in our lives at the time. I wasn't sure if I should show Tony being killed or it being a shock when they find out later. I don't think I can have both?


Quoted from jwent6688
This felt like 80s horror from the get go.

Glad to hear that because I kept scratching my head wondering what exactly made a movie an 80s movie.


Quoted from jwent6688
Anyway, nice twisted little tale here. Was fun to read something from you again.

Thank you very much! Hit me up if you want something read.  



Cheers,
James[/quote]



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Grandma Bear
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First off, let me thank you for making such a kick-ass poster! Totally awesome!


Quoted from Fais85

Loved this! Loved all the characters, the setting, and the tone of the story.

*** SPOILERS***

A small nitpick. Viktor was a Soviet agent. He had a secret lab where he was experimenting. His final goal is to destroy the country.

Why would he tell these guys about hybrid roaches in the beginning? That may blow his cover. An undercover agent will never do that.

That's just my personal opinion.

As for the ending, I think it works. It gives us that 80s feeling that you are attempting.


You make a good point, and I thought along those lines myself. My thinking here was that I needed something that keeps these guys from just packing up and leave at the first sight of bugs. The hurricane is the force that keeps them from being able to leave. That left me with the option of Viktor knowing they would not survive the night and therefore not worrying about them spilling the beans. That was my thinking at least. Perfect? No.  

Thanks again for reading and making the coolest poster ever!!!  


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Fais85
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Thanks, Pia!

I think still you can get away with that thing. By looking at the condition of the place that you've described, nobody would want to stay there anyways. Viktor can just smile at them like he knows something. Just a personal opinion. Regardless, the script is solid.
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MarkItZero
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Hello there,

I think all stories should start with plump butt cheeks. The world would be a better place.

That was some fun creepy crawly mayhem. The characters had their own little things to differentiate them, which is hard with five people. One suggestion is to take Chris further, make him completely full of himself with the acting career.

The whole thing with Victor breeding a nuclear roach army is a bit wild and out there. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's out there in a fun way. If anything, there's room for more of that. Like a sex scene with roaches crawling in bad places. If it went weirder and wilder, I'd be okay with it, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, and I liked the ending. Very gross.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from MarkItZero
I think all stories should start with plump butt cheeks. The world would be a better place.
.


Quoted from MarkItZero
That was some fun creepy crawly mayhem. The characters had their own little things to differentiate them, which is hard with five people. One suggestion is to take Chris further, make him completely full of himself with the acting career.

Yes, I would agree. Someone suggested his acting abilities or lack of, should come into play somewhere too.


Quoted from MarkItZero
The whole thing with Victor breeding a nuclear roach army is a bit wild and out there. I don't mean that in a bad way, it's out there in a fun way. If anything, there's room for more of that. Like a sex scene with roaches crawling in bad places. If it went weirder and wilder, I'd be okay with it, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, and I liked the ending. Very gross.

Being older, lol, I remember a lot of movies in the 70s especially, seemed to always have some sort of communist/USSR angle to them. That's why it's there. Most people don't seem to remember how the cold war was a big part of our daily lives.

Thanks for reading. Hit me up if you want a read of something of yours.  .


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 16th, 2020, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Saw this was up late last week, and gave it a read yesterday.

First, I want to comment on the wraparound story...and I'll be brief.  I don't like it.  It has to be going somewhere, but where that is remains a mystery, and for me, this is just way too convoluted and long winded.

OK, sorry for that, let's get to Roach Motel.

Here we have a "classic" old concept, that plays through somewhat as one might expect.  Is that a bad thing?  No, it's not, but let's say I wasn't very surprised or shocked as this played out.

At just over 31 pages, this reads quickly and rather easily, which is good.  But, it also feels rushed, as in not a whole lot happens, over those 31 pages...well...until things start happening.  HA!

Within the first page and a half, the setup is clear - the group of kids is in trouble in "classic" form, with an empty gas tank, and an impending hurricane.  Florida is close to 500 miles "long", South to North, meaning depending on where they were, they've already had to fill up, most likely, and why anyone would let their ride run out of gas in a situation like this, is baffling, but then again, how many great movies have we seen this in?  ALOT!  Basically, the setup is classic 1980's, so I've got no complaints.

But, then we take some 5/6 pages to get to our titular "Roach Motel".  For me, this was too long, and I think getting them there quicker would help with the flow, and give you more time to show what you want to show - Killer Giant Mutant Roaches!

We meet, "Old Victor", who really should be intro'd as just, "Victor".  He's 70 and skinny, which I think is a mistake, because any one of these kids, including the girls, could kick his ass, if necessary...yet, we know by the end, this isn't quite true.  For me, Victor gives away WAY TOO MUCH info when the kids first meet him.  Again, we see this in movies like this all the time, so it's cool, but for me, I wouldn't make it so obvious what he's all about.

On Page 13 (probably Page 10 of this actual short, taking out the wraparound story), the kids finally get into their room, and again, I think this is too late, only because I feel the lead in is too long, or maybe just not enough stuff happens before this, or we don't learn enough about our group, even though I can definitely tell you tried.

Bathroom scene - Page 15 - this is good.  You start it out nicely by showing some roaches and make it clear the girls do not.  Great setup for what we know or assume will go down in there.

And on Page 17, we go back to the bathroom, but for me, the scene doesn't work as written.  I love everything except the big fact that Donna doesn't see the "hundreds" of roaches that are literally on her and biting her.  Closed eyes, shampoo in eyes, whatever, but it just doesn't fly for me, and I remember shaking my head about this part.  I'd actually recommend that she definitely does see them and freaks out, gets the fuck out of the tub and bathroom, buttarse nude, of course, and runs into the main room, scared out of her mind.  But when the guys go in to investigate, no roaches, and they think she's just imagining them.

So, now Tony goes into the bathroom to shit, and again, we know this ain't gonna be god for him, especially because no one has died, and we're at the point where someone needs to.

Page 21 - and Tony is still in the bathroom, but we know what's going down in there...yet, you chose not to show anything...which I think is quite cool, yet, remember, we haven't seen any death or horror as of yet, and we're deep into the script.

Page 22 and the roaches make their presence known in the main room.  Tony and the bathroom still a mystery.

Bottom of Page 23 - "We have to get it opened.  He could be really sick in there." - Bad line, IMO.

And then on Page 24, another bad line from Chris - "We have to get the door open.  Something’s very wrong in there."

So, check this out, Tony has been in the bathroom since Page 19, and yeah, stuff is going down in the main room, but for me, it's just too long a wait to find out what's up in there.

So, now Donna and James head to the front desk, which is good, as now we have our kids split up and you can go back and forth between scenes.

Page 25 - Tony's fate is revealed, but the only one who says anything is Chris, and Chris' dialogue is an issue, IMO.

You have "Susan and James step out", but it's actually Susan and Chris.

We have like 4 pages of Donna and James exploring the "lab" rooms, which although pretty interesting and creepy, is just too long again.  Like why wouldn't Chris go find them and tell them what just happened to old Tony?  And what are they doing in the minivan...just hanging out?

OK, finally, on Page 29, we go back to the 2 in the minivan, and again, Chris' dialogue just doesn't come off as remotely realistic, and the attack in there with the roaches doesn't work for me, as written.  Their demise is well done and gross, as you intended, but I think at least 1 of them should escape the van, which would be very simple to do.  It would be a neat scene with 1 or both outside, covered in roaches, trying to get them off.

The finale is what I don't love so much, as it just goes on and on with talking and revealing Victor's plan, like a James Bond baddie.  I don't like how Victor has the upper hand on James, almost strangling him, while wearing a Hazmat suit.  I'd seriously suggest reworking the finale and making it "better".

The very ending is good...expected, but true to the 80's.

All in all, I like this, Pia, but it feels like it needs more attention, and the dialogue can be improved quite a bit.

Hope this helps.



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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Here we have a "classic" old concept, that plays through somewhat as one might expect.  Is that a bad thing?  No, it's not, but let's say I wasn't very surprised or shocked as this played out.

Not too many ways I could go with this since the title kind of dictates where it's heading. Lesson learned, be careful when the title is too specific...


Quoted from Dreamscale
At just over 31 pages, this reads quickly and rather easily, which is good.  But, it also feels rushed, as in not a whole lot happens, over those 31 pages...well...until things start happening.  HA!

I think I probably started writing this with a feature feel. I've been doing mostly features these last few years and try to avoid shorts, even though I love writing them and watching them. It's features I need to get better at, not shorts.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Within the first page and a half, the setup is clear - the group of kids is in trouble in "classic" form, with an empty gas tank, and an impending hurricane.  Florida is close to 500 miles "long", South to North, meaning depending on where they were, they've already had to fill up, most likely, and why anyone would let their ride run out of gas in a situation like this, is baffling, but then again, how many great movies have we seen this in?  ALOT!  Basically, the setup is classic 1980's, so I've got no complaints.

You'd be surprised how many people can't think ahead. Every time there's a hurricane here, people are surprised that gas stations run out of gas. I pictured this playing out near me here in North Central Florida rather than coastal or Central. HWY 441 runs right through here and a lot of it is rural. Before the interstates were built in the 50s, this road was the main thoroughfare in Florida. There are a LOT of these rundown motels along that highway that were the main places to stay when traveling north and south back then. Since the interstate, only weirdos and bikers seem to frequent them. Just to be clear, I have no issues with weirdos or bikers, lol.


Quoted from Dreamscale
But, then we take some 5/6 pages to get to our titular "Roach Motel".  For me, this was too long, and I think getting them there quicker would help with the flow, and give you more time to show what you want to show - Killer Giant Mutant Roaches!

Again, the pacing was probably more like a feature. To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever written a script with 30 some pages before.


Quoted from Dreamscale
We meet, "Old Victor", who really should be intro'd as just, "Victor".  He's 70 and skinny, which I think is a mistake, because any one of these kids, including the girls, could kick his ass, if necessary...yet, we know by the end, this isn't quite true.  For me, Victor gives away WAY TOO MUCH info when the kids first meet him.  Again, we see this in movies like this all the time, so it's cool, but for me, I wouldn't make it so obvious what he's all about.

I can agree with that.


Quoted from Dreamscale
On Page 13 (probably Page 10 of this actual short, taking out the wraparound story), the kids finally get into their room, and again, I think this is too late, only because I feel the lead in is too long, or maybe just not enough stuff happens before this, or we don't learn enough about our group, even though I can definitely tell you tried.

I tried to show character rather than giving it through dialogue. Probably needs more, but to be honest, I'm not sure I'm going back to this one.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Bathroom scene - Page 15 - this is good.  You start it out nicely by showing some roaches and make it clear the girls do not.  Great setup for what we know or assume will go down in there.

And on Page 17, we go back to the bathroom, but for me, the scene doesn't work as written.  I love everything except the big fact that Donna doesn't see the "hundreds" of roaches that are literally on her and biting her.  Closed eyes, shampoo in eyes, whatever, but it just doesn't fly for me, and I remember shaking my head about this part.  I'd actually recommend that she definitely does see them and freaks out, gets the fuck out of the tub and bathroom, buttarse nude, of course, and runs into the main room, scared out of her mind.  But when the guys go in to investigate, no roaches, and they think she's just imagining them.

That's a good idea! I want here to be scared of them, but at the same time trying to be this gentle type that respects all life forms.


Quoted from Dreamscale
So, now Tony goes into the bathroom to shit, and again, we know this ain't gonna be god for him, especially because no one has died, and we're at the point where someone needs to.

Page 21 - and Tony is still in the bathroom, but we know what's going down in there...yet, you chose not to show anything...which I think is quite cool, yet, remember, we haven't seen any death or horror as of yet, and we're deep into the script.

Page 22 and the roaches make their presence known in the main room.  Tony and the bathroom still a mystery.

Others have pointed that out as well, so it must be the way to go.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Bottom of Page 23 - "We have to get it opened.  He could be really sick in there." - Bad line, IMO.

And then on Page 24, another bad line from Chris - "We have to get the door open.  Something’s very wrong in there."

Dialogue is not my strong suit, but you probably know this.


Quoted from Dreamscale
So, check this out, Tony has been in the bathroom since Page 19, and yeah, stuff is going down in the main room, but for me, it's just too long a wait to find out what's up in there.

So, now Donna and James head to the front desk, which is good, as now we have our kids split up and you can go back and forth between scenes.

Page 25 - Tony's fate is revealed, but the only one who says anything is Chris, and Chris' dialogue is an issue, IMO.

I hear you.


Quoted from Dreamscale
You have "Susan and James step out", but it's actually Susan and Chris.

Mistake.


Quoted from Dreamscale
We have like 4 pages of Donna and James exploring the "lab" rooms, which although pretty interesting and creepy, is just too long again.  Like why wouldn't Chris go find them and tell them what just happened to old Tony?  And what are they doing in the minivan...just hanging out?

They are supposed to be sort of in shock and just staying in the car away from the roaches. I can see what you mean though with Chris not going to look for the others.


Quoted from Dreamscale
OK, finally, on Page 29, we go back to the 2 in the minivan, and again, Chris' dialogue just doesn't come off as remotely realistic, and the attack in there with the roaches doesn't work for me, as written.  Their demise is well done and gross, as you intended, but I think at least 1 of them should escape the van, which would be very simple to do.  It would be a neat scene with 1 or both outside, covered in roaches, trying to get them off.

I think that idea came to me from a horror movie I watched decades ago and that scene has stayed with me all these years. It was a movie about worms. Your suggestion though goes with the poster!


Quoted from Dreamscale
The finale is what I don't love so much, as it just goes on and on with talking and revealing Victor's plan, like a James Bond baddie.  I don't like how Victor has the upper hand on James, almost strangling him, while wearing a Hazmat suit.  I'd seriously suggest reworking the finale and making it "better".

I was soooo stuck on the ending, it took me a month to do. I finally just had a few beers and finished it without worrying if it was good or bad. I just had to type FADE OUT or Zack would get disappointed in me.  


Quoted from Dreamscale
The very ending is good...expected, but true to the 80's.

All in all, I like this, Pia, but it feels like it needs more attention, and the dialogue can be improved quite a bit.

Hope this helps.

You are 100% right. I just don't think I have it in me to pay more attention to this one. Besides the dialogue issues I have which I think have to do with my own English and how I speak, I just don't really see anything happening with this. The length is not ideal for a short and I have no interest in extending it into a feature either. I'm also not that much into horrors anymore. I love them when they are done well, but so few are. My love these days are thrillers and suspense movies. I am getting a LOT better at those.

Thanks for taking your time and reading all of these. We appreciate it.  



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spesh2k
Posted: November 24th, 2020, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Pia,

I won't repeat too much of what I commented on when I read this before it was posted. I will say it's probably my favorite of the bunch so far. All the characters each have their own distinct personality and voices and the read goes by really quick. I liked the ending you decided to go with, though I probably would've only went with one survivor, but I liked it nevertheless. I loved the idea of this story happening during a hurricane and I love how you had the bad guy, Viktor, come up with the idea to use the hurricane as a way to spread these human-eating cockroaches. The main issue I had is the set-up takes up the majority of this and then all the action happens in the last 10 minutes or so. I saw in earlier comments that you were writing it like it was a feature, which really does explain why it's so set-up heavy in comparison to the ending. Felt like it went from 1st act, skipped the 2nd act and first part of a 3rd act and just went straight from 1st act to climax. I actually think this would make a cool 80-page script, maybe even shorter -- the standard screenplay length seems to get shorter and shorter, but would actually fit perfectly for this type of film, without overstaying its welcome (like an hour and 10 minute film). My only recommendation would to open with a gross-out scene to set the tone for the rest -- that way, you can have that stretch of the script after that for the set-up.

All in all, I had a fun time reading this.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 24th, 2020, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for chiming in on this.

I honestly think the length of this one is the issue. I could probably write a 10 page or less script about this, or a feature, but 30 or so, is new to me. You are right. Started out like a feature, but then I panicked about it being too long and just sort of ended it.

I appreciate your positive thoughts. It's encouraging.

On a different note, I'm nearing the end of the rewrite on that thriller of mine you read. I think it kicks ass, and I NEVER say that about anything I write. So, thanks for your input on that one too. I honestly would be surprised if it got no interest at all.

Cheers.  


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spesh2k
Posted: November 25th, 2020, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Hey, thanks for chiming in on this.

I honestly think the length of this one is the issue. I could probably write a 10 page or less script about this, or a feature, but 30 or so, is new to me. You are right. Started out like a feature, but then I panicked about it being too long and just sort of ended it.

I appreciate your positive thoughts. It's encouraging.

On a different note, I'm nearing the end of the rewrite on that thriller of mine you read. I think it kicks ass, and I NEVER say that about anything I write. So, thanks for your input on that one too. I honestly would be surprised if it got no interest at all.

Cheers.  


Ah, yes, Desert Tears if I'm not mistaken? I think the only issue I had (and I think you expressed you had) was with the ending. Everything up to that was top notch. And even the ending you had, I was cool with on the most part. It was a non-stop action ride and pretty low budget (outside of the ending). I read over 60 unproduced features since COVID and the fact that I remember your script so well is already a great sign. Would love to see what you do with that ending, it was a kickass script. And I think your long overdue for another produced feature. And "Desert Tears" has the potential to be the best film of the bunch.

-- Michael



THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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