Monstrous - Episode 2 by Colin Sharp - Series, Horror, Drama - After a teenage girl is brutally murdered, a haunted detective pursues his prime suspect only to uncover a malevolent force far darker than the crime itself. 50 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Dear Colin,
I think the opening TV news report is too long "Just the fact's Ma'am!" as we need to get to the guts of John's banged up travails. Maybe feature a couple of early attempts - a thrown kettle of boiling water - a ground glass sandwich snack maybe.
The Mysterious stranger needs to follow Mike - just a few flashes - as he comes from nowhere and it's a jolt. I'm sure Mike's coppers nose would sense something . . .
There's no flashbacks - however brief - for those who may have missed Episode One.
And bring you all...To hell. needs subtitles!
Look at the ussual tiightening for pace/tension/ action etc as that was one of the BBC guidelines - an actioneer must have that in spades!
All best -

Hey, Colin.

Still with you on this. Familiar with the characters and the situation. No idea how the story will play out, but interested to see.

But maybe nothing big enough happens in episode 2? Mike's moment with the Latin-speaking apparition that then vanishes into thin air is the biggest thing, and is eerie, but then that's over and the only result is Mike spending the rest of the episode bothered by it and his other problems.

So this episode was mostly still setup. Interesting stuff, sure. Liked the writing overall, despite a few quibbles. Liked the characters. And the interactions between them, which seems a real strength of yours.

Just not sure about the pacing. There are six episodes, I think you said? Means there are only four more, and unanswered questions still building up. Wonder if you shouldn't have a quick horrifying flashback in this episode to answer at least one of them - like what happened in that Ouija board incident people keep remembering with fear? Dunno, maybe I'm too impatient….

A couple of other, character-related thoughts:

Not seeing a hint of any force strong enough to overcome the vicious evil that opened Episode 1. The Reverend Styles isn't showing much obvious fortitude (although he clearly knows something, and maybe has some wavering influence on Scott.)

Don't think Mike shows much, either. He seems to brood and feel sorry for himself a lot. Although I did like his no-nonsense attempt to confront the apparition. And I like how he's attentive to things that the other cops assume don't matter – John's Ouija board story, Sasha's missing phone….

Josh a good new character, maybe he's got some internal strength that'll help? The Ouija board came from his family, was his mother's…. maybe there's knowledge to reap there?  

Also wonder about Scott Michaels. Based on his character development, he's vermin… mostly. Should end up getting squashed. But are we being set up for a twist where he shocks this expectation and turns to the good side to help save the day? Hard to make that twist believable, though….

A few other random thoughts:

p. 1 – We see a picture of Sasha, who "exudes an angelic aura." Okay, tying her to the angels, but what exactly do we see that makes this picture more than just that of a happy, innocent-looking young girl?

p. 9 – "THE SOUND OF SOMETHING CRASHING TO THE CARPET FLOOR"… "a photo of Sasha and Kelly in a happy embrace." Well, that's interesting. Sounds like there's still something ("something we didn't see or hear") in the room.

p. 11 – S: "Afraid we made a pact, sweetheart." And "I ain't the one who bull-shitted him off." Could have a brief terrifying flashback here – of them making that pact and/or Lisa bull-shitting Abacus off….

p. 13 – Wonder if it might not be better to have a video of Dr. Challis speaking than for the viewer to have to read his text introduction?

p. 16 – P: "Your marriage still a bit of a chore?" Alright, this Paul guy's an asshole!

p. 17 – P: "If you can keep a straight face, then the bill's on me." Hmmm… it's not on him already anyhow? Asshole!

p. 20 – Okay, so this demonic apparition speaks Latin. Meaning Rev. Styles might be able to understand it, if that matters. Wonder why it visited Mike... just because he's the lead detective on the case – is that important to an evil spirit? And what the purpose of its visit was….

p. 22 – SI: "What will we have mate? How about a couple of sausages?" Liked this character. As a scumbag, I mean, not an ideal close personal acquaintance. Very convincing….

p. 24 – "Mike watches himself exchange words with the off-screen figure until he follows him around the corner, vanishing from view." So do we also see the figure walk around the corner ahead of Mike?

p. 31 – M: "You always seem to forget that I score your yearly performance." E: "Trust me, I don't." Ha! Like the interactions between these two.

p. 32 – "… The OUIJA BOARD lies face-up on the table, its sinister presence unmistakable." What do you have in mind here, that the viewer sees and/or hears, to make the Ouija board's presence unmistakably sinister?

p. 32 – So the board was once Josh's mother's. We've met her; she hasn't stood out. Maybe she knows something, though?

p. 33 – Kelly: "We got through to something, you know it." We keep hearing about this, might be good to have a flashback soon, to pay off this continuing buildup....

p. 35 – Styles "takes fleeing steps towards the church entrance." What, is he running away? Is he afraid of these two? If so, not sure he'll be any use standing up to the kind of evil we're facing in this story….

p. 36 – Styles: "Is this kinda thing ever gonna get you to where you want to be?" Okay, good line by the reverend now – reality-based, plus he's stopped fleeing. And "Scott, for a tiny moment, resonates with the reverend's words." Maybe there's still hope for Scott?

p. 39 – "Mike and Ellie… possibly regret asking the question in the first place." Not sure what to think of this kind of thing that you do – telling us what the characters feel. I learned we don't do that; besides their words, all we can tell the reader is their facial expressions and body language. But I suppose this could be seen as a useful clue to the actors playing Mike's and Ellie's parts….  

p. 44 – "ROMANS 12:21... Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Reading this fills Styles with zeal. Hard to imagine what good behavior he can practice to overcome the steamrolling evil force we saw in Episode 1, though….

p. 46 – Mike: "Still into you so much… you know, love and all that." Ha! He sounds like me. Nice interaction that follows, too ("Slip off these jeans, pretty dress?").

p. 50 – A: "PUNISH HER FOR ME!" S: "OK." Alright, this is going to lead to something. Look forward to it….


And that's all I've got to say about that. Hope there's something useful in it for you. Keep up the good work!

- Michael

Hey JFT,

Sorry for the late reply on this - I've only just seen the comments.

Quoted Text I think the opening TV news report is too long "Just the fact's Ma'am! Thanks for reading and the helpful advice - will def take into consideration!

Ah, nuts - you're likely right - scissors coming out

Quoted Text The Mysterious stranger needs to follow Mike - just a few flashes - as he comes from nowhere and it's a jolt. I'm sure Mike's coppers nose would sense something . . .

I think I know where your coming from here - I'm feel I'm looking for that jolt, though. Worth considering for sure.

Quoted Text Look at the usual tightening for pace/tension/ action etc

Is this episode too plodding? I tried to give it enough tension to keep it engaging. hmmm.

Really appreacie the read and commnets buddy - will look out for your work!

Hey Micheal!

Firstly, sorry for the late reply - my expectations were a little low on reads and I almost forget i posted the episode, lol.

Thanks a ton for taking the time — I can’t wait to dive into your thought-provoking points!

Quoted Text But maybe nothing big enough happens in episode 2

Yeah, I’ve gone for a fairly slow-burn episode — trying to keep the mystery and suspense simmering while maintaining that eerie, unsettling vibe. Whether it’s got enough to hold attention, though… hmm.

Quoted Text Liked the characters. And the interactions between them, which seems a real strength of yours.

Cheers buddy - us writers need such encouraging words

Quoted Text Just not sure about the pacing. There are six episodes, I think you said? Means there are only four more, and unanswered questions still building up. Wonder if you shouldn't have a quick horrifying flashback in this episode to answer at least one of them - like what happened in that Ouija board incident people keep remembe ...

I completely understand your concern here — you know, this was originally just four episodes long, but I decided to expand it to six. I appreciate that this episode doesn’t move things forward at a great pace - it’s more about continuing to lay the groundwork for the later episodes, which do pick up speed. That said, I do take your point — pacing is definitely something to keep in mind for readers. The Ouija board flashback does happen in full, but much later in the story

Quoted Text Not seeing a hint of any force strong enough to overcome the vicious evil that opened Episode 1. The Reverend Styles isn't showing much obvious fortitude (although he clearly knows something, and maybe has some wavering influence on Scott.)

Yeah, see where your coming from here - who the hell is gonna help stop this malevolent evil? Well, I'm hoping episode 3 brings that kind of hope - perhaps I'm thinking that this force should feel unstoppable - is that more frightening? Or I am just trying to defend my own work

Quoted Text Don't think Mike shows much, either. He seems to brood and feel sorry for himself a lot.

Yeah - I'm kinda glad you said that because that is the character I wanted him to be, but appreciate you've mentioned it in a sense that isn't quite working for you - Get it, but it's a tricky balance - Mike story escalates. Brooding is definitely his thing, though

Quoted Text Also wonder about Scott Michaels. Based on his character development, he's vermin… mostly. Should end up getting squashed. But are we being set up for a twist where he shocks this expectation and turns to the good side to help save the day? Hard to make that twist believable, though….

Really interesting point you've made here - glad you see him as deplorable. I can assure you one of your two predictions comes to fruition.

Quoted Text exudes an angelic aura

Yep, gone overkill in the writing here - keep it simply, hey. The reader already knows what she looks like! - think I'm trying to get at the news always using the most angelic pictures possible in such cases - but you're right, it ain't needed.

Quoted Text Afraid we made a pact, sweetheart." And "I ain't the one who bull-shitted him off." Could have a brief terrifying flashback here – of them making that pact and/or Lisa bull-shitting Abacus off….

Like your idea here, but was always trying to keep Abacus as ambiguous as possible. Food for thought, though.

Quoted Text Wonder if it might not be better to have a video of Dr. Challis speaking than for the viewer to have to read his text introduction?

That's a great idea - nice one!

Quoted Text "If you can keep a straight face, then the bill's on me." Hmmm… it's not on him already anyhow? Asshole!

  

Quoted Text Okay, so this demonic apparition speaks Latin. Meaning Rev. Styles might be able to understand it, if that matters. Wonder why it visited Mike... just because he's the lead detective on the case – is that important to an evil spirit? And what the purpose of its visit was….

Yeah, your point definitely has credence — my only defence is that Abacus is evil, and he (or it) has simply seen an opportunity to fuck with some other people and stir up fear, etc. They tend to work in mysterious ways, I guess

Quoted Text Mike watches himself exchange words with the off-screen figure until he follows him around the corner, vanishing from view." So do we also see the figure walk around the corner ahead of Mike?

Yes, Mike would see the figure turning the corner on the CCTV — though the footage would be very dark. I might need to emphasise that more.

Quoted Text The OUIJA BOARD lies face-up on the table, its sinister presence unmistakable." What do you have in mind here, that the viewer sees and/or hears, to make the Ouija board's presence unmistakably sinister?

Yep, overwriting again - plus I detail it's sinister elements at the end of that scene.

Quoted Text Styles "takes fleeing steps towards the church entrance." What, is he running away? Is he afraid of these two? If so, not sure he'll be any use standing up to the kind of evil we're facing in this story….

Good shout - I'll remove that "fleeing". He's saddened, perhaps uncomfortable but not afraid.

Quoted Text Mike and Ellie… possibly regret asking the question in the first place." Not sure what to think of this kind of thing that you do – telling us what the characters feel. I learned we don't do that; besides their words, all we can tell the reader is their facial expressions and body language. But I suppose this could be seen as a useful clue to the actors playing Mike's and Ellie's parts….

I’m not sure about this kind of thing either — I sincerely hope I haven’t done it too often. I guess if you can’t describe it visually, it’s best to leave it out. It’s a really interesting point, though — one I might raise on the site’s discussion board. You’ve already summed up nicely why one shouldn't, but also why writers sometimes feel compelled to do it.

Quoted Text A: "PUNISH HER FOR ME!" S: "OK." Alright, this is going to lead to something. Look forward to it….

Yeah, it bloody well better lead to something lol!

You’ve raised some great points for me to think over — and even make a few outright changes! I really appreciate the positive comments as well.

I think I'll just upload the remaining four episodes in one batch - and if yourself or anyone one else is compelled to read them and help - that would be beyond awesome.

Have I missed any thing you have uploaded to the sight, Michael? Cos I owe you reads and feedback for sure

Hi, Colin. Just a couple more thoughts….

Quoted Text Yeah, see where your coming from here - who the hell is gonna help stop this malevolent evil? Well, I'm hoping episode 3 brings that kind of hope - perhaps I'm thinking that this force should feel unstoppable - is that more frightening? Or I am just trying to defend my own work?

Well, I like that it feels unstoppable. And you're right that this makes it more frightening, which is what we want – why we tuned in to watch in the first place! So I don't think I was objecting, just remarking on something I'd noticed. At the same time, the hope you're introducing in episode 3 has to be consistent with what's in 1 and 2. Look forward to seeing how you pull this all off….  

Quoted Text …it's a tricky balance - Mike story escalates. Brooding is definitely his thing, though.

Yes, tricky balance for sure. Do like Mike, and interested to see what resources he can call on to overcome this monstrous antagonist….

Quoted Text I can assure you one of your two predictions comes to fruition.

Aha! Just as I thought!

Quoted Text … my only defence is that Abacus is evil, and he (or it) has simply seen an opportunity to fuck with some other people and stir up fear, etc.

Oh, that was Abacus? Hmm… didn't occur to me. I assumed Abacus was independent (even though aware) of the Ouija board stuff and the foxlike guttural squealing evil that killed Sasha. Does uncomplicate things if they're one and the same….

Quoted Text I’m not sure about this kind of thing either — I sincerely hope I haven’t done it too often.

Sorry, I shouldn't have put it that way – "this thing that you do." Kind of harsh. I do it too; maybe everyone does? Try to not, but seems useful sometimes for giving quick insights into characters (for the readers, if not the ultimate viewing public).

Quoted Text Have I missed anything you have uploaded to the site?

Nah, been trying to fix my Bruce the Homeless Flying Hypnotist story. Submitted it finally, should pop into existence soon….

Quoted Text Sorry, I shouldn't have put it that way – "this thing that you do." Kind of harsh. I do it too; maybe everyone does? Try to not, but seems useful sometimes for giving quick insights into characters (for the readers, if not the ultimate viewing public).

It's all cool, Michael - it was a valid point, and I know you meant it in a constructive way.
The action line is wrong and I need to change it - it's unnecessary if any thing.

It’s definitely an interesting topic in screenwriting — one I’m tempted to bring up on the discussion board. I know that, as a rule, we should only write what can be seen and heard, but there’s a grey area when it comes to adding that extra layer of context to a scene. It might not translate directly to the viewer, yet it can help the reader visualise the moment more vividly. Hmm.

Anyway, thanks for the additional feedback - Ill be keeping an eye out for the return of Mr Bruce !