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The only reason she hates him is because they lost a child? Why not try again? Maybe. Those kinds of things usually do rip families apart but not all, they try again sometimes but I guess if the wife becomes a severe alcoholic it ruins plans.
The reason she started drinking and taking pills (hinted at in one of the imaginary deaths) is because they lost a child. Her drinking and depression (caused by losing the child) are what causes her to act so hateful toward Richard.
I know their relationship may seem far fetched but a friend of mine lost a child last year at the age of five months. She got on the same track as Mel did. Her and her husband evetually worked things out and she got help, but their marriage almost ended. Desideratum isnt exactly based on this true story, more like inspired. I dont think my friends husband ever plotted to kill her - lol.
But thanks for all the feedback, Wesley. And everyone else who has posted or will post.
CONSIDER EVERYTHING I WRITE A SPOILER, EVEN IF IT ISN'T....
Given the subject of this piece, a guy's imprisonment in a loveless marriage, I would say to make it longer. Every scene could've been longer to allow deeper feelings to rise up. The way this was written kind of had a feel for a trailer for the same story.
To me, Richard is just a drama queen. He wants to be miserable. If he doesn't want to leave his shitty life, then that's his problem, not mine.
You should show more of Melissa and how she makes him miserable. Yelling for a refill isn't enough. And why does he take it? As Ann Landers once said, 'Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.' At the same time, show some spark of hope between them. There has to be something redeemable to make the reader/viewer care. In 'Throw Momma From A Train,' Owen's mother would atleast say nice things to him on occasion. Right now, there's no reason for Richard to stay.
A couple of things I recommend that you do:
First, make them older. They're in their mid-twenties. They're young enough to get divorced and get on with their lives. If they were about forty (and married for ten or fifteen years), divorce would be a harder choice to make as you've invested half your life in the marriage. Also, you'd have greater doubts that you would find someone else at this age.
Show something positive about Melissa. Maybe Richard could find her asleep clutching a framed photo of the two of them and Andrew. If we have absolutely no hope that she is redeemable, then it won't matter much if he kills her.
When Richard looks at the box of rat poisoning, take advantage of the scene. The box could have a drawing of a rat on it and Richard could get into a staring contest with it.
All in all, I think this script would be better told as a poem than a screenplay. It's all conflicted feelings, which doesn't always show well on the screen.
1) I like the dialouge and how you have this all set up. Takes another view of life instead of the husband always being a drunk. 2) Damn the wife was a bitch.. 3) i love the VoiceOvers.. for some reason i am a fan of them and i like how you did yours. if u read frozen you will see i do the same also. but good work on that. One more thing i like about it is how you explain his emotions that a +10 points. 4) i like the hair dryer vision also.... when i was reading i thought he really did it. nice work 5) Oh my god... i died haha 6) i also would of made it a little longer.... identify more details of the marriage and such.. it would ass more drama at the end
Here is my rating for this:
Dialouge- 9/10 Setting- 10/10 Characters- 10/10 Ending- 9/10 (i know it is a short but it did come rather quick for me) Conflicts- 20/10
My overall score to you is: 57/50
The good definitly took advantage and outweighed the bad. Nice Job.
I have actually changed some of the script. I have more interaction between Richard and Mel and hint more at the good times they once had. I wrote in a little more sympothy for Mel. I have also explained more of why Richard wont leave her.
Hopefully, I will be able to post the updated version soon.
Had a read of this at work today and thought you did a good job. I warn you, spoilers below!
SPOILERS
Firstly, I was surprised that the Richard and Mel were in their mid twenties, the feeling I got from them both, just made me think they were older, in their 30's at least given their history. Though a somewhat depressing story, it was very emotional and I thought you did a great job of showing this man's dilemma about his life and family.
Richard was well written and I liked the use of voice over to tell the story as it was happening. Easy to visualise and easy to read. his dialogue was excellent, I might add.
It was easy to feel sorry for Richard and the thoughts of him killing his wife were understandable, given the state of their relationship - in other words, you made it real and raw, I like that. I also like the way initially Mel was potrayed as a sort of bully to him, but later he explained more about her and why she is the way she is, which struck a chord with me. He still loves her and is able to see where she is hurting and why, even though he is treated very badly. made his dilemma all the more harder and made us feel more sympathetic to him, even though he is contemplating murder.
The journal was a clever way to serve as an emotional outlet too and at times I thought it could have been good to have her sneak up on him to startle him as he was writing to break his flow more and see how he would handle the questioning about what he was writing and if she demanded seeing it. But that might have taken it too far off course. It still made me contemplate that scenario, much like the way he kept contemplating the various ways she could die.
The scene in the child's bedroom was sad, but it worked because you kept it silent. Actions in this case spoke louder than words.
The electrocution fantasy was good and I thought you worked it in well.
The ending was good too and I'm glad you didn't get to find out what happened next, as you were left feeling how Richard felt, undecided.
Desideratum has been updated and posted. This version is a little longer, shows more of the relationship and this time we actually feel a little sorry for Melissa.
Re-read the revisions in this. You're right, you have made it possible to feel more sorry for Melissa now. I think it's better this way. I think it's very similar to the last version you sent me, but quite a bit different to the one that was posted up here originally.
I thought adding Andrew at the end was also quite poignant too. I think you should keep that in. Good job, I think it's still an emotive piece.
I noticed the following spelling mistakes...
" I cerebrate the many ways she would die" - do you mean to say celebrate???
"Richard rests in face against the side of Melissa's..." - I think you mean to say rests his face.
"Richard looks at the gun which is tighly griped in his hand" - I think you mean to say gripped.
Keep me posted should you need or want another review here.
Movies are the soul in motion. What you think will happen has a 50% chance of happening or a 50% chance of not happening. How will your movies be made?
I'm glad you liked the script, CompTechFilms. I know there are few spelling mistakes but I'm not the best speller in the world. But oh well, I still get the job done.
Which parts of the screenplay did you find boring?
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