Shields was supposed to be a bit dumb, since real cops wouldn't work in a comedy, the general consensus is "The Erased" is a better short, I tend to agree.

I WANT you to make this longer. It is a good plot and would be very interesting.

I'm gonna piss on your parade, here, Zig....

This script made absolutely no sense to me.  And reading it a second time didn't help.  For starters, you describe using three cliches, punk, geek, and stoner, and then do nothing with that.  The characters didn't act their roles and they were all the same.  And why would three people-- so different from each other--want to hang out together?  I got the impression that they didn't like each other.  This isn't like 'The Breakfast Club' where six or seven completely different people are forced to be together for a day.  

You have to explain the house a little bit.  What draws the three to it?  It's just an abandonned house.  Why would teenager girls go to something like that?  And why would there be a live crossbow laying around?  Once the crossbow was found, I was expect the crazy rubber-mask wearing owner to pop up to claim it.  And then an axe and rope?  Was the civil war cannon out for cleaning that day?

The only reason for the idiotic cop to be in the script was to get the girls out of the house, and that they could've done on their own.  Even the role of the nosey neighbor wasn't important.  

The dialogue was very forced and choppy.

If you wanted to keep this story, I recommend strongly starting over from scratch.  Give people reason to be doing what they're doing.  Throwing people into a crazy situation doesn't make a good story.


Phil

Thanks Phil, this exactly the type of harsh critique that I need. You're not pissing on my parade you're weeding out what makes it bad, you know.

Though I liked the dialogue, I'll probably read over it in a few months and realise it's pretty shitty, you know.

Again thanks for the review.

Hey Zig,

I read your script at lunch and have to say I liked it, but it could use a few pointers. Firstly, I imagined the house to be similar to the one in Edward Scissorhands - thats the impression I got from gothic. Is that what you were going for?

Secondly, the girls were okay, I think Phil is right about why have 3 comp diff characters and then not make them stand out in each of their speaking parts. They reminded me of the girls in the movie, 'the craft' a bit mixed and looking for trouble.

Again, the nosey neighbour was almost irrelevant to the story. You made the cop show up, thats fine, but I think if you really want to make it funny, and this is just me, get the character of the old guy who plays cop in saving silverman/evil woman. His acting and persona would be brilliant - Not only would he be hiliarious in this, he would at least make a real attempt to kick their asses and also, make for a really funny attempt on the girls part to try to kill him. Make the cop a bit gutsier and gung ho - I think he was too feeble, reminded me of Dooy or huey in Scream, whatever his name is. I think comedy is one thing, but I think he was underused and you could make him so funny, you really could.

Dialogue was good, I think again you need to give the girls each more personality and I think the sex talk wasn't necessary. It made no impact, why not make them talk about stuff which identifies with them individually? This is why the short could be a bit longer, I think another 7-10 pages would suffice.

Overall, great potential, I think the crossbow was very random, were we supposed to be able to understand why a random weapon like that would be lying around? I'd like to know more. Bring the owner of the house into it if you can. Or maybe the cop could be tied into the house himself and trick the girls?

Good work, don't be hard on yourself, but definately re-write it in the future. Erased was great and this can be too.

Andy

I'm not really sure I can say much of anything that others havent said already. I pretty much agree with most of the posts.

I didnt like any of the characters. The cop made me mad because he was so ignorant. He couldnt see the obvious even when its smacked him upside the head - lol. And the girls were all stupid, I thought.

There are a lot more reasons that I didnt like the characters but its basically everything others have said.

I really liked the story and the situation, though.

You are a great writer Ziggy but this wasnt near your best.

there is soooo so much potential for this one Ziggy, hope to see it made feaure length!

This?  As a feature length?  I don't see it.


Phil