Interesting script with a decent voice over dialogue, three characters and an unexpected ending..

Shame this is only 3 pages..

I have seen competitions for 3 and 5 min films and maybe this fits that category..

You could have split-up some of your action, like shots and maybe stretched it a page to 4 pages.. Maybe this could be extended to 5 pages, just an idea..

3 pages seem terribly shooooort...

Apart from these minor criticisms, this is good story and it's well executed, including the ending without adding any sploilers..

I know I'm late reading this but well done for your efforts.. Its good...

Thanks Kevan and Tomson.

I appreciate the feedback. I should probably have this script removed since it's heading into production for the second time.

Kevan, good explanation of snooker . I'd forgotten there was even a reference to a snooker hall in this script.

As I sayd I've read it.

Martin, I thought it could set in later 1800 and yearly Japan of 1900. It is tense but again I'm not sure about the extense paragraphs. Was It becuse it was an old script you wrote at the begin your screenwriting?

Anyway, it is very short and powerful piece.

heh cool little story man.  I can't really add much to what others have already said so I'll just leave you with this -

I dug it.

brion

here's another script of the day that was pretty cool, in fact this was messed up, really messed up.

I have to be honest and say I didn't really get all of it.  This was an easy read with a really screrwed up ending.

This had a definate film noir feel to it, dark and gritty, and I liked the VO, had a 40's ring to it.

I also liked the descriptions.


"the figure thrusts his knife deep into the woman’s stomach, slicing up to her ribcage. Her scream barely registers as the blade tears through her organs and she slumps to the ground. The man steps back in shock as the figure spins, driving the knife into his chest"

Thatr was pretty vivid


**********************SPOILERS**********************


Then came the ending and I was like WHAT?  I didn't get it, that's not saying it wasn't interesting or didn't shock me, I just didn't get it, maybe I wasn't supposed to.

In the end I thought as a visual story it worked quite well, I was just at a loss when it came to the end.

Good work

Hey flyboy,

Just got back from vacation to find this one had been bumped. This was my SS debut from back when I first signed up. My style's changed a fair bit since then so I'm always a bit wary when this one gets a fresh read- long paragraphs and 'ing' words are a thing of the past

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. To explain the ending with...

SPOILERS



The script revolves around the misdirection that the VO is from the guy inside the restaurant, when in fact it is the murderer outside, reflecting on his previous relationship with the girl. That's the essence of it and goes some way to explaining his motives behind the killing- he couldn't bear to see her with someone else.

I actually got a PM from someone on here a while ago who wanted to expand this with some ideas of his own. They were good ideas, too, but I never heard anything after that. Maybe you'll see an expanded version of this story on here sometime in the future.

Oh, and thanks for the read brion. I must've missed that one.

I'm happy to say that Anniversary has been produced for the second time. I couldn't be happier with how this turned out, especially after the fiasco last time it was produced. I think Randy Slavin did a great job.

Don't take my word for it, you can view ithe film here:

http://films.thelot.com/films/3083

If you like it, sign up and vote. It's had a good response so far.

Hey Martin,

A while ago now I expressed an interest in extending your short but it got put on the back burner and having now watched this on film I feel it doesn't need anymore.

This was excellent, you must be buzzing mate.

Martin,

With this new bump of yours, my first exposure to the script was today.  I just watched the film online as well.

My thoughts on the script are probably nothing new.  As you've stated, you've dispensed with the long paragraph storytelling style.  Not that it was even a bad thing in this instance.  Two scenes without character dialogue is going to necessitate a significant amount of descriptive narrative.  I feel its often harder to get an entire story across in such a short space.  While what we learn is obviously only a fragment of the whole story, it is complete in that it gives us the Who, What, Why, Where, and How.  Short films are meant to be experimental.

As far as this film, that is killer!!!!!  It looks REALLY good.  Did you get a DVD copy?  How does this "The Lot" work?  Do people vote for this guy to get onto the show based on this work?

Great day for you for sure.

-Bob

Thanks guys.

The Lot is an upcoming reality TV show on FOX where sixteen filmmakers compete for the chance to win a million dollar deal with dreamworks.

I really hope Randy gets on the show. He's a very talented director and a big personality.

Currently, Anniversary is the third most viewed film, and the third most talked about, averaging 4 stars out of 5 from 121 reviews. Maybe Randy just has a lot of friends

I'm pretty chuffed and I'm looking forward to seeing how it does in other festivals.

In the mist of the whole plagerism thing with this movie, I decided to give this script a late bump. Well, the ending wasn't much of a surprise after I watched the film,(both of them), but this was still a good read. It's formatted like my scripts, which made it easy to read. Overall, this is a script I'm happy I read. Thanks for the good entertainment.

8 out of 10

This is sort of weird, reviewing your short after I've seen the production of it (which I loved), but I had read it before, a year and a half ago or so, I remember liking it. I still do.

You've got a very compact premise that works very well. Your descriptions are too long, I think, but very immersive. All in all quality work.

the one thing I actually didn't like was the repeated phrase "When a woman looks deep into your eyes...". It's not the repetition I mind, it's more the wording. It sounds kinda banal to me. It's not very personal. It's a sweeping romantic cliché that anyone could've said about anyone. I don't get the sense of any personal intimation or relationship to this beautiful brunette, because she's never really addressed. Women in general are. I doubt someone so in love with her, would generalize his love like that. When you're in love you tend believe your love is completely unique and unlike anything anyone else of the face of the earth has ever experienced. At least I do.

"When she looks me in the eye..." would make more sense to me.

But perhaps that's the point though...?

Anyway, you're a great writer, and I always enjoy your work. This was no exception.

And once again, congrats on the production.