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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rest In Peace Moderators: bert
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ABennettWriter
Posted: April 16th, 2008, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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I haven't read the script yet, but I checked out the movie. Here are my thoughts (also on You Tube):

Toby's bad makeup was very distracting. Good dialogue, but the story was a little weird. I didn't quite get the point.

I thought it was a clever premise, but badly executed. I didn't feel there was a proper ending. There was an event, but no resolution.
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mikep
Posted: April 16th, 2008, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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The original script as posted works better. In the film, once Tobe starts talking to Kyle, it's easy to see why he wouldn't be forgiven: he's still a jerk. His heroic act in saving the kids notwithstanding, he still took lots of glee in tormenting Kyle. He only apologizes once he sees Kyle won't forgive him.  

However, Kudos on getting the short filmed ( more than I can claim lol )- the set looked good, nice improvisation putting it together.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: April 16th, 2008, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is a well written short that works on that moral question of finding good in everyone-- even big bad bullies that carve their initials into your skin.

I think if this were to be explored further as a feature, it would be interesting to see what causes Tobe to become the honorable hero.  Maybe there's a perfectly logical explanation.  Maybe Tobe's father died in a boating accident and after that, Tobe became angry with God and started taking things out on others, becoming the cruel prototypical bully.  

If that were the case, then it would be a perfect redemption for him at the end:  To save the children from suffering his father's fate.  And of course, this wouldn't take away from the fact that:  Yes, lived the life of a complete jerk.  We can all agree on that.  That's not taken away.  He's not magically transformed into a blessed hero.  Instead, he's revealed as a person who walked a dark path in his life, but reentered its cause to save the children and somehow make amends.

Now, what would really be interesting is if we found out that Tobe didn't die saving these children by accident.  Maybe, after he pulled the last one from the water, he allows himself to fall back.  Maybe the mother watching can't understand this act.  She wonders if he got some kind of weird cramp or something.  "He was almost out.  Almost out.  But then I don't know... He had this smile upon his face... How could it have been a cramp if he had this smile face.  And he fell back into the water.  It took hard and fast into the rocks..."

I think that maybe Tobe found his father.

Well... there goes my little excursion into Tobe's past.

Really good job on this Stewart.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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MacDuff
Posted: April 16th, 2008, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the posts, everyone.

some replies:

ABSteel

- the makeup job doesn't look as good on YouTube as it did in real life and as it does on the DVD. The job was actually done by a well known artist who works on TV.

- Thanks for your input. The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death. The theme is about redemption and forgiveness. I only had 5 minutes to show it and no special effects... so it was pretty tight!

mikep

- Thanks for reading the longer version. I like the flashbacks in the longer version too, but since I only had 5 minutes, 1 room and 12 setups, I had to improvise!

Sandra

- Thanks for the kudos. I enjoyed your journey into the past of Tobe. That tells me that you were interested in the character I created and enjoyed the short. Thats what it's all about, so I can't thank you enough.

Thanks again,
Stew


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ABennettWriter
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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"The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death."

I didn't get that at all.
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MacDuff
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ABennettWriter
"The basic premise of the short was about characters and power, and how it can switch back and forth, even between life and death."

I didn't get that at all.


Well, it starts with Kyle having the power when he discovers Tobe is dead. It then switches when Tobe re-animates and taunts Kyle, bringing back the memories of high school. We then switch again when Kyle realizes that Tobe needs his help to get into heaven. And then we have one more switch at the end when Kyle realizes that he had judged Tobe all his life. It's at this point in life that Kyle will under go a change. Lots of power switching back and forth.

Hope this clears things up.

Stew


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BryMo
Posted: April 17th, 2008, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Kudos to getting this made. I read the script posted and have seen the youtube short.

i did enjoy the sript here more, but the vid you made was also very well done.  The power struggle you talked about was something i picked up on, and i liked that theme.

I'm a complete reversal of what AbSteel stated before.

I feel this is an overused premise to me, however you executed it well. The ending made all the difference.

Good to see moree people discovering this little gem.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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MacDuff
Posted: April 18th, 2008, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BryMo
Kudos to getting this made. I read the script posted and have seen the youtube short.

i did enjoy the sript here more, but the vid you made was also very well done.  The power struggle you talked about was something i picked up on, and i liked that theme.

I'm a complete reversal of what AbSteel stated before.

I feel this is an overused premise to me, however you executed it well. The ending made all the difference.

Good to see moree people discovering this little gem.


Thanks for the kind words, chomico.

It's interesting to hear people's differing reactions to the short. I had a screening at the film school and so many different people took things away from it.

The question I heard most was: Did Tobe get into heaven?
My answer was: What do you think?

thanks again,
Stew



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