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Hey Bert, I was bored at work so I thought I'd give this a run over. I can't really add anything more to what people have already said, but:
It's a great read. Your strongest point is definitely descriptive writing. Your work really reminds me of Stephen King (my favourite writer). Have you ever written a novel before? Have you ever thought about it?
Anywho, the story is great. It bookends well, great metaphor to the subject of salvage, parts, refurbished parts etc..etc.. Well tied in.
I read stuff at work, too! How awful is that? I wonder how much lost productivity can be attributed to this site -- lots, I'll bet.
What a nice surprise to find this old one bumped up! It's one of my favorites, and my only real foray into gore-hound territory (very zombie-like, for those who dig that kinda' stuff...you know who you are).
And thanks for the comparison -- made my day -- and I can't deny his influence, of course.
I try to read most of the authors here, but have never stumbled across any MacDuff stuff. Is there any out there?
I keep my feature length scripts to myself for some reason. The ones I finish are usually submitted to production companies.
I have 4 shorts that I submitted here. "Addiction" and "Father" are okay, but flawed (especially "Father"...I should remove that one). I've learned a lot since those. "Looking Down From Above" seems to be well received, though there are still changes I'd like to do. "Rest In Peace" was for Dogglebe's writing exercise. I like that.
This was GREAT. some of it reminded me of steven spielberg's "duel", at least the part where the he was being chased by the car. loved the detail in your descriptions, I'm a blood and guts man myself. keep up the good work.
Wow Bert, this was a pretty creepy script right here. I was holding my breath for the last three pages as it all came down to the shocking ending. May I say wow once again, this was fantastic.
The dialogue was flowing flawlessly, matched with the beautiful descriptions that you offered. Especially the one of Donnie, which made me chuckle when I read through that.
SPOILERS
So, basically that group of dead people, and the dead dog had come to the shop before and had their car worked on by Donnie? And they were told that the parts were as good as new, but really weren't? I read through that twice, and as I'm reading through it again it makes sense.
The only thing I didn't like about this script is how you knew there was going to be a body inside of this messed up car. Some of the events were predictable, not like that drags the script down or anything.
Your script caught me off guard a few times as well, which outmatched the predictability of it.
Wow...two in one day! It's always so much fun to find comments on old stories. Thanks for the boost!
People are going to think I'm payin' you guys or something...
Yeah, Jimbo -- you got the gist of the story. MacDuff said it "Bookends". I had never heard that phrase before, but understood it right away, and now I love it. Now I want all my stuff to "bookend" haha.
Most excellent Avatar you have selected, by the way.
You said you were going for a comic book feel and it definitely shows. I could definitely see this as a segment of Creepshow or a Tales From The Crypt episode. But the junkyard setting was genuinely creepy. Donnie's introduction was nicely done as well. I instantly had a feel for his character. All in all, a short-but-sweet script with a nice twist and some excellent carnage. Good job.
You hear that, gorehounds? There was enough carnage for McClung!
So this is my smile for the day. Glad you saw the Tales from the Crypt thing going on. That is what I was going for, and I guess I came pretty close. Thanks for taking time to check it out.
I read this at work the other day and was knocked out by the story and the characters..
I thought your descriptions were excellent, your pacing and tempo and the horror all ramped it up some.. Dialolgue is right on the money..
Excellent story and with a great ending...
You sure have a way with words..
You wanna write a book of short stories because you're wasting yourself with scripts.. You have a unique name too which would look pretty cool on the font cover like:
Edgar Allan Poe H. P. Lovecraft Jules Verne Daniel Defoe Terry Pratchett Stephen King
I could go on...
Just think...
SALVAGE by Robert Newcomer
or A Crypt of short stories by the master of horror, Robert Newcomer..
So a "Breakers Yard" is a "Junkyard"? Is that another brit thing? I know a bunch of those now from these boards. I'm surprised there are so many differences, albeit subtle ones.
And holy crapp...that's a mighty intimidating list of names you tossed out there -- very heady stuff -- thanks for that, Kev. I've thought about stories, but I guess I'm addicted to this form. Nothing else is as fun -- I'm a format junkie.
What a happy post, though. That'll keep me going all weekend, I suspect.
Yep, "Breakers Yard" is probably a British thing..
It's funny though because the name can be applied to lots of different meanings..
When vehicles end up in the yard they are broken up piece by piece for parts...
Also, the guys who run these yards also use heavy machinery to squash the vehicles, especially cars, into blocks of metal and this can be viewed as breaking up a car..
Most cars and vehicles that end up in these yards are broken and not viable for repair..
But, the parts can be cannibalized and used to repair otherwise roadworthy working cars..
Another name for these yards is "Scrap Yard", again, because the vehicles are either scrapped or parts ripped off and sold as scrap..
I like the "Breakers Yard" name myself.. They all work though..
This is one great story. What atmosphere. I loved the setting, the tone, the night, the characters. I love the ending. It worked.
POSSIBLE SPOILERS:
I can only offer one (throwaway) suggestion. When the tow truck driver brings the wreck to the salvage yard, and Donnie's all pissed off, maybe the driver can make a small reference to being there before. When Donnie says, you can't leave this here, maybe the driver can come back with, "You don't wanna do business with me? Why didn't you say that the other night."
Or maybe make it more subtle. Such as "Nice to me one night, ornery the next. What's the world coming to."
Anyway, my point is that if there is just the slightest hint that the driver had been to the salvage yard before and that he was treated better, when we look back, it adds a nifty little tie-in.
Just a thought. As for your dialogue, right on. Everything really kicks for me. Format is A+. You're no screenwriting 101 student, that's for sure.
Maybe you can read my script and give me some feed. Whenever I get around to writing and posting. Hope you can get "Salvage" filmed. It would be great as part of an anthology.
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Salvage
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