Thanks for the info Bert. I found that OLD comic books thread.

Hey Bert, I told you I'd read this a while ago.Sorry it took so long. Forgive me if I go over what has already been said. My only complaint with this absolutly fantastic script was one of your descriptions.

Yeah. It's loaded.

Is that correct format? If so, sorry. I'm still kinda new. Other than that, this was great. I absolutly loved the ending! It was one of the better endings to any short I have read. I don't do this too much, so feel honored.
10 out of 10

This was a really good script. I was wondering how you were gonna make it more than just hack'n slash for the sake of it, and you delivered a gruesomely funny punchline. Setup was perfect.

One thing I absolutely love about your style of writing is your descriptions. They're wordy yet controlled, with an extremely creative flow. I almost always have to look up words when I read your work (I'm reading the Farm and then I've read this one) but I like that so that's in no way a bad thing for me. I'ts a treat - like "I wonder what word I'm gonna learn today?"

One thing that kinda threw me, and I'm not sure if it's been mentioned, but there was quite a bit of product placement in this script. There's the Korn t-shirt, the Rolling Stone cap and I think a third one too. I was under the impression naming brands in your descriptions was a no-no?

But that's really nit-picky. Great script. Yucky too.

Thank you, Zack and D.M., for the looks.

Quoted from Zack Yeah. It's loaded.

It’s concise.  That’s what I was thinking, anyway.  Bending the rules, perhaps, but not breaking any.

Quoted from Death Monkey …wordy yet controlled…

I love that haha.  I do consider each word.  It’s a curse, and I am one of those that usually ends up on the wrong side of the “how much description is too much” debate around here.  But I will always contend that it is not wrong -- simply a matter of taste.  As with anything, some readers will appreciate it, and some will not.

Quoted from Death Monkey …naming brands in your descriptions was a no-no?

Naming specific songs is a no-no, for sure.  But specific items can help define a character.  If Donnie were drinking, what would you give him -- Pabst or Absolute?  You are probably right that you can go overboard with it, though.  And the Stones cap just struck me as a nice visual.  He needs a hat, that would look good (to me), and it would be easy to find one.

I didn’t know you were looking at Farm.  Hope it doesn’t disappoint.  It is past due for another draft, actually.  I do watch the boards and have seen your stuff getting some praise.  I can’t promise to look right away, but I have been curious about Pool and Mute, and I usually remember to read what I say I will look over, eventually.  Late bumps can be good, right?

Cheers, guys.

Yeah I'm reading the Farm, but I'm a very slow reader and have to read in chunks spread between by school-work and work so I probably won't get back to you on that until next week or later.

As for the brands, it was something I recently read in one of those "10 faux pas of screenwriting" in a plethora of well-meaning yet confusing advisory pamphlets about the craft. The author was complaining about young writers writing "glock 17" instead of just "9mm handgun" and the likes, but I guess a lot of those faux pas' are a matter of taste as you say.

I think I'm gonna put up a revised version of The Mute some time next week or the one after that, so please take your time - so long as you don't read it until the new draft is up!

Funny, I read this before you posted yesterday saving a review for morning.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the Morality Play aspect of the story.  But I'm not here to bust you on trying to add meaning to horror.

I think the cop could be worked in better.  This type of tale requires him to have some type of hand in the death.

If you want to bookmark it with him selling faulty items to someone else that would complete the Morality Play aspect of it completely. Though, that might make it too much like an episode of THE HITCHER I seen.

Otherwise, this was good enjoyable fun.

Dethan

Quoted from Dethan ...I'm not here to bust you on trying to add meaning to horror.

Meaning??  What do you think this is?  Poetry or something?

(That’s a joke, folks, not disrespect.  Dethan will get it.)

Actually, I find that most horror is really a morality play at heart.  Generally, of course -- not counting the endless (and constantly growing) glut of mad, psycho killers around here.

**sighs**

Quoted from Dethan I think the cop could be worked in better.

Me, too.  That’s a weak link, for sure.  I actually missed that myself until people started pointing that out.  Future drafts may lose him (another alternative), but then I would also have to lose the “bouncing headlights”, which are my favorite detail in the whole story.

Quoted from Dethan ...too much like an episode of THE HITCHER I seen.

Not familiar with it.  I’ll look sometime... just to be safe.

Quoted from Dethan ...enjoyable fun.

That sounds like a kid’s movie haha.  But thanks for the look, and the heads-up on that Hitcher thing.

I thought I'd check this one out.  I've been meaning to get around to reading a bit of blood and gore on this site - sort of expanding my horizons you might say ( I admit it - I am a wus).

I'll say right up front I found myself kind of enjoying this.  It was well-paced, vivid in its description and without an ounce of fat on it.  The payoff was a nice touch (its surprising how many writers often overlook this).

My main problem though - and this is a common beef I have with these types of stories - is that the characters just aren't very likeable.  Not that they weren't interesting, or even without a certain charm.  I guess I just prefere to invest myself in characters I can look up to, or admire, or find some redeaming quality.  I don't know if this makes any sense or not.  I guess its a personal thing.

If I had any suggestions it might be to make Donnie more likeable.  Is that possible - a junk dealer?  I don't know.  Granted, it would be a challenge but if you moved him away from being the stereotypical redneck, then he might be easier to cheer for.  

At any rate - good job.  I admired it quite a bit and even enjoyed it on a certain level.  Take my advice for what it is, coming from someone outside of the genre.

Thank you, Mike.  I’ve been busy and nearly missed this.

Quoted from mgj I've been meaning to get around to reading a bit of blood and gore on this site…

No shortage of that around here.  Bon appetite.

Quoted from mgj My main problem though - and this is a common beef I have with these types of stories - is that the characters just aren't very likeable.

  
And that’s my clue that this is not your home genre haha.  The nasty character who receives his comeuppance is a staple of the genre.  But the character does have to be interesting, at the very least, and sometimes that is tough in these streamlined stories with relatively few players.  I do need to consider your perspective, and those like yours, I suppose.

Quoted from mgj I…even enjoyed it on a certain level…coming from someone outside of the genre.

My little story is a bit removed from “Milo”, isn’t it?  I’ve heard many good things about that one, even off the boards.  And it's in the pending file.   Thanks again for your “outsider” perspective.

Has this been produced Bert?

Quoted from Zack Has this been produced Bert?

No, Zack.  I wish.  And I certainly would have said something had it been.  Why do you ask?

There have been nibbles -- one guy was trying to get an anthology show off the ground -- but self-proclaimed "producers" come and go pretty frequently on these boards.

I prefer to wait until there is significant forward momentum on a project before I announce anything.

I thought that the picture on the first page was a picture from the production, but oh well. This would take a decent budget to produce, but if I had the money I'd jump at the chance. Maybe one day...

Quoted from Zack I thought that the picture on the first page was a picture from the production.....

No, that was just me fooling around.  After I made one for Farm, I put a couple more out there just for fun.  

Check this one out -- it's not my favorite story, but perhaps my favorite "poster" for the story.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1120591666/

I still think your best poster is the one on The Farm. It's simple, yet eerie and effective. Here's a poster for one of my produced movies.

http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f275/Corruptkiss07/DVD-COVER.jpg

I thought I already commented on this but I guess I didn't, so I took another quick look to sort of refresh my memory.

This is a creepy one. Two things really worked well for the creepiness factor that I think could be accentuated.  One is a show with no tell, you show us the family, how extremely mangled they are, and we are (I believe) supposed to assume that it was some kind of car accident, but you don't tell us exactly how the accident happened. We know it must have been some extremeley gruesome one, and the fact that you don't show that accident in the script I think works for it, it allows the readers mind to wander and picture the most horrible thing imaginable.  It's sort of like the whole "Rear Window" what's in the suitcase thing.  It could have just been jewelry, but by not showing us, are mine can wander and picture her head in the suitcase.

The other really creepy thing is we get the idea that they aren't just taking parts from this one guy, but also going around stealing parts from everyone, and once again, this lets our munds wander.

The only thing I would do is make these thing more obvious, make it more obvious that they plan on\already have taken parts from other people, so that our minds can make that jump and can imagine those horrible things, and bring up just passingly their accident, maybe have them say that it was somehow unusual, and then our minds can wander even more.

Anyway, good job.

-Tyler