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You might be surprised, but that happens alot, particularly on the horror scripts.
Nobody expects a girl to be lurking around the spooky stuff -- but I think it's great -- and oddly enough, some of our best, creepy stuff comes from the girls we've got.
Thanks again for some really insightful thoughts on this. Now go write something creepy and post it!
Just read this on the way home from work. Really enjoyed it.
I liked how you introduced all the characters. The dialogue for the cop was very well written, wish he had a bigger part to be honest. (ooh err missus)
The only thing I was a bit unclear about was the guy at the start who drops the wreck off. I guess that sort of mystery is good though for a story like this.
It was pretty easy to visualise how this would look on screen while reading it. Think it would look great -- gorey -- but still great.
I didn't really see what the guy had done to deserve this though, I mean his line of -- "How could I know?" ? -- I didn't really get that. Clearly they're not alive anymore so I don't really know what he's referring to.
Hey, Ste. Thanks for digging this one out of the pile, but sorry it came across as so confusing. It is meant to be a fairly simple tale. Perhaps you were expecting something more?
Quoted from Ste
I was a bit unclear about was the guy at the start who drops the wreck off.....I didn't really see what the guy had done to deserve this though, I mean his line of -- "How could I know?" -- I didn't really get that.
The guy who drops off the car -- the "driver" -- is the same guy all the way through. Donnie, selling faulty used parts, is responsible for the driver’s death and that of his family. There is nothing too deep here, but then, it is not meant to be.
Thanks for the look, though, and for taking the time to drop a few comments. I really need to take a gander at some of your stuff (outside of SoulShadows) when I get the chance. You need to slow down and give people a chance to catch up haha.
Yeah -- George called me on that, too. He had to die because -- well, that is just the price one must pay for serving as a minor character in a horror story.
that's the way I look at it. I try to write all my characters as real people. Real shit happens to real people. If you wanna play, you gotta pay. or am I just drunk and not making sense here?
anyway, I'm not really good with reviews when it comes to something I liked. I didn't really spot anything wrong here so I guess thats good. It was pretty creepy, as if it could've been something on an episode of Tales from the Crip. Dialogue nice, characters decriptions nice. You can really tell us a lot about these people quickly, like when Donnie is about to jack off to the smut online. Plus, what he did here, he's a total scumball and deserved his fate. And the violence was fine. I'd prefer a "SQUISHING" sound at the end but that's just me.
So yeah that's it. I'll probably be reading Elevin Surprises tomorrow when I get time.
If you wanna play, you gotta pay. or am I just drunk and not making sense here?
Hey, hasn't somebody told you about the rules regarding drinking and posting?
That's OK -- apparently lots of people ignore that particular edict.
I do like your logic, though -- even if it is only the horror fans that can see the beauty in its simplicity.
Quoted from slabstaa
...it could've been something on an episode of Tales from the Crypt...
Well, it was supposed to be like an old horror comic -- but then, that show was based on old horror comics -- so by that circular logic I suppose it works.
Thanks for the recent looks, and I really appreciate your taking the time to post some comments. I cannot seem to find anything of yours on these boards -- but perhaps I am not looking in the right places. Thanks again, and drop me a PM if you've got something hidden on these boards somewhere.
Nice and creepy little tale. Very well done with great visual descriptions and a smooth read. Can tell you 'get it' when it comes to screenwriting.
Always like to read someone who can take a simple story and bring it to life in an interesting way.
**SPOLIERS**
Honestly, I'm not a big fan of excessive gore but the way you described it was well thought out and effective in the context of the story. Not just a mindless attempt to gross out the audience.
Personally I enjoy the more 'Hitchcock' type of implied violence without actually seeing the carnage. You did have elements of this like 'Donnie cutting through the car roof' (excellent and frightening) and the very end where only 'the sound of Donnie's death is presented'. Well done.
Only complaint I could find was that Donnie seemed more like an innocent victim. Maybe I missed it but never got the feeling that Donnie, or the junkyard itself, was deliberately selling faulty parts. No biggie though. Got the gist of it at the end.
Noticed that you sometimes search out the works of people who have given you feedback. Unfortunately, I don't have anything posted here (except for the latest OWC entry). Mostly I've done features which aren't that enjoyable to read off a computer screen. However, I'm starting to write some shorts as well. They are much easier to get feedback on and I think they are a good exercise that keep you writing during the downtimes of working on a complex feature.
Once again, enjoyed it. Good luck with all your writing.
Hey, thanks for looking, Moroh. And welcome to the boards. I have noticed you dropping some good comments on the OWC scripts -- unlike several of our other new additions, unfortunately.
But in those cases, you will find that once the names are revealed, nobody is much interested in anything they write from here on out. But I digress.
Quoted from Moroh
Personally I enjoy the more 'Hitchcock' type of implied violence without actually seeing the carnage.
Actually, I prefer that, too. Although I write mostly horror, this is my only real "blood and guts" script. Kind of an experiment, and kind of pandering to the audience around here. But it was fun. Thanks for letting me know you liked it. And one of these days I will try to make Donnie a bit more "guilty".
Quoted from Moroh
I noticed that you sometimes search out the works of people who have given you feedback.
Indeed, that is about all I read -- that, and authors I know well. Some people gripe and say that is kind of selfish -- "share the love" or some similar B.S. -- but I say that those are the authors I most want to read.
If you get praised -- or panned (it happens) -- I would think you would want to know where your critic is coming from as another writer. What you find in their own writing often helps to reinforce or temper their comments.
That's the way I've always looked at it, anyway. But I digress again haha.
Thanks again for taking a moment to drop some thoughts. And yeah, I will be curious about your OWC once Don puts the names up.
Well your stuff is pretty good man. I don't really have a problem with your writing but I have noticed that you do something that I don't usually prefer (I noticed it more while reading Eleven Surprises - and at the moment, I am reading that and Think of me and I'll be there). But I'll get into all that once I finish the scripts and post whatever thoughts I have.
I'll follow Wonka's suit here and give this one a look see. I can't resist any car centric story, prolly goes back to reading "Christine" in grade school. Donnie reminded me of a modern day Darnell a little bit actually. No stogie though. This definitely invokes E.C. comics to good effect and I'm a fan of them. I would have liked some more acerbic banter with Kimber over the phone. Some mention of another disgruntled customer harassing Donnie, etc. Donnie proclaiming he's an "honest businessman" to Kimber's indifference. It makes the bloody rusty revenge all the more savory.
I did catch on a few pages before the reveal what was happening. However, I didn't care because the ride is very entertaining. Fine read, Bert. Another keeper.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Hi Bert i just finish reading your story and here is my review.
I have to admit I was a little lost with your story when first viewing it but then as I took a quick glance looking back on it I have come to the conclusion that this story is pretty good man. Its very interesting to see the allegory here with the Driver wanting salvage body parts at a salvage car place.
So with this said. From 1-10 I give it 8.5 to a 9.
I have to admit I was a little lost with your story when first viewing it but then as I took a quick glance looking back on it I have come to the conclusion that this story is pretty good man. Its very interesting to see the allegory here with the Driver wanting salvage body parts at a salvage car place.
So with this said. From 1-10 I give it 8.5 to a 9.
Well, I suppose I will take that score. Thank you for looking it over, VaP, and for taking the time to share your thoughts. It is very much appreciated.
If you happen to pass back by this thread, please drop me a note about "The Ill" -- we'll see what we can do about opening that thread back up and maybe cleaning it out a bit.
Bert, you old dog you! Saw this up high, and thought to myself that I've never read "old" Bert, so I jumped in.
Story-wise, I really like it. You tied everything up nicely with the Junkyard's tagline, "Used parts, good as new". Very well thought out.
The actual movement of the script was a little uneven for me, but I think that's due to the style you were writing in back then (or maybe still now? Not sure). What I mean is that you tend to over describe pretty much everything, in terms of details that nobody needs to know. I'd say you probably have close to an extra page here because of it.
Writing-wise, I found some issues. I was a little surprised how passive this is in many parts. You know I personally don't like that, and it really stands out here. I think your Slugs need some attention as well. In places you seem to use a hybrid full Slug/Mini Slug combo. But, the biggest silliest error of all, has to be on the top of Page 5, and I'm literally shocked you haven't fixed it after all these years.
Your Slug reads, "INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK". HUH? Almost seems to be a joke or something.
Anyways, all kidding aside, this is a well put together little horror script. It's got a great Tales from the Crypt-like vibe and I can see it working well with a few other similar stories, linked together as an hour long anthology or the like.
It's nice to see old scripts back up at the top of the heap, isn't it? Take care.