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Salvage by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Short, Horror - There must be hundreds of junked cars down at Donnie's Red Dog Auto Salvage. But then there was the midnight delivery of that wrecked convertible. That one was different. - pdf, format
Robert, what a fantastic read!! I thoroughly enjoyed this, apart from the fact I ate my lunch as I read it and it turned my stomach on more than one occasion... Let me just say how professional your writing is! Well done, hon. I loved Donnie, a great character there. Loved the dialogue too. The DRIVER in this script was so mysterious and menacing from the get go. Good job.
Now, what a great play on words, 'used parts' and all that. I don't want to give this away even with the spoiler warning. Your description is so well done, I could visualise everything with ease. There was definitely a few places where I was grimacing from the shock of the discovery in the convertible... What can I say, a short very well done, gruesome and original too!
I think you wrote the initial part of the telephone conversation well, but then I thought you had to intercut back when switching between Donnie to Kimber on more than one occasion? It seems as if you only do this once? I may be wrong here, but I am not an expert on how to write scenes on the phone, but thought I'd point that out to you just in case.
Loved the junkyard setting and overall found this to be quite a frightening piece altogether.
I was looking forward to this one, Bert, and you didn't disappoint. An excellent short.
As usual, you descriptions are incredibly vivid and the dialogue is spot on.
SPOILERS BELOW
Very little to fault you on, but there were a couple of things I noticed:
Pg. 8. "Something is GROWLING in the truck" - I think you meant 'trunk' since we're talking about a convertible- this threw me off for a second.
Pg. 9. The sequence with the dog in the trunk is a little confusing. The dog is in the trunk, gnawing its way through the back seat. Then you describe it "chewing its way into the trunk". I couldn't picture it, was the dog in the trunk and chewing its way into the back seat?
Pg. 10. "the pulpy meat inside his skull throbs and writhes" Eeeeew! You're a sick man, Newcomer!
I was wondering if there was a reason behind all this or if it was just some random episode of horror. Your ending answered my questions perfectly- great pay-off. Loved your liberal use of gore. The driver a seriously creepy character.
I really enjoyed this Bert and you've creeped me out yet again. You have a wonderful way with words and a twisted imagination (that's a compliment... I think).
Great stuff! I'm looking forward to your next offering. Keep 'em coming!
Good job Bert, as usual. I really liked this, specially the ending. There are some minor details I´d like to point out. I may be wrong with some of these observations, but maybe not. So, here they are, in case the could be useful to you.
"EXT. A LONELY STRETCH OF HIGHWAY" As far as I know, descriptions in sluglines should be avoided. I wonder if it would be better to just write "EXT. HIGHWAY", and save all the descriptions for the action below.
Same happens with "INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK". You could just write "INT. POLICE STATION", and describe the cop in the action below.
"A few windshields have round, bulging cracks formed by forceful impact with a human head" If I watched this on screen instead of reading the script, I´m not sure if I would gather that the round cracks belong to forceful impact with human heads. Maybe a little of dry blood around the cracks would help to get the picture clearer.
"The driver himself wears a black trench coat, far too warm for the weather." I doubt that "far too warm for the weather" could be shown on screen.
Same happens with "confortable in his uniform" (about the cop).
Well, despite this minor details, I think this was a great read. Good job, man. Looking forward to read more from you.
Hey -- not only did I find my new stuff, but a few comments on it to boot! Thanks guys; a great way to start labor day.
READ THIS MINOR SPOILER: Something is growling in the TRUNK, not the truck...damn, one little typo can really screw stuff up.
(spoiler space)
This is the first time I just "went for it" with the gore. I wasn't sure how it would play out, but I am relieved you guys liked it. There seems to be an audience for that kind of thing around here, so I thought I would give it a try. I was going for the feel of an old comic book.
Andy: For phone calls, I am pretty sure you establish both locations, then a single "intercut", and the director decides what is on the screen from that point forward. That is my understanding, anyway.
D.S.: Thanks for catching the typo. As for the dog, he is in the back seat, chewing his way through the back seat, and will end up in the trunk when he is done.
Z: Thanks again for useful comments that I don't always agree with at first, but find myself reflecting on later nevertheless. But with the windshields, that's a real-life detail, from somebody whose seen them. Trust me on this one -- once seen, you would know exactly where these came from.
Warning, don't eat a stack of pancakes before you read this ..
As for the story, it was really well written and very descriptive. I read it real fast, and it got me at the edge of my seat. Donnie was believable as a character. I don't care for gore, as it made me a little nausieous, but it was good story nontheless. The suspense was built in a nice amount of time, too. Success.
Once again, here's another great read. I liked this a lot, it was entertaining and moved at a fast pace. The descriptions, especially of the woman, were graphic and called-for. Creepy ending too! Good job.
This script is legitimately terrifying, without an overabundance of gore. Some people thought this script was filled with gore, maybe I’ve just become “desensitized”. Walking the line between what is truly horror, and what is just gratuitous gore is an art, and you accomplished the former in this script very well.
The characters were well written and very believable. “Don’t look so sad, baby. Donnie’s here for you.”
The descriptions were also excellent, especially the Donnie character. “His pale stomach pooches out from between his oil-splattered jeans and his way-too-tight Korn tour shirt.”
Overall, this was a great read, and left me with a creepy “feeling”. I won’t be returning the junkyard anytime soon.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
As always, Bert, the way you write your descriptions make for an easier read and a bigger of understanding of the action that is taking place. It's amazing how I can see what's going on in my mind just be the vivid detail that you give here. The last few pages are sensational and I would love to see those on screen. Very creepily effective and, of course, gruesome fun!
A blanket thanks to Impulse, Oney, D.N., and Greg. Thanks for understanding that feedback is what keeps us going, and for taking a few seconds to say you liked it. You know I will return the favor as time permits.
[The remainder of this post has been modified, as it is no longer applicable]
Just read this Bert and I think this is a great read. The descriptions you give are so clear and I thouroughly enjoyed it. I liked the Driver, he kind of reminded me of the villain from Jeepers Creepers ( the very early stages) and the way you described the events that followed were spot on. This is a perfect short story in my opinion. Great job!
Bert, This was a fun read. I am in awe of your writing style. This script, like "The Farm" is extremely well written. Wow! You caught me off guard a few times here. I wasn't expecting things like that to happen. It was pretty freaky, but I couldn't stop reading. Things that I thought would happen didn't, and I had to find out. Very, very cool, Bert.
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
BERT you should be proud of one thing... I didn't have acrobat downloaded before this script went up... I've been needing to DL it for some time to read a lot of R.E. FREAKS stuff, but just never found the time to do so... So without further a do... I DL'ed it tonight, cause everyone and their dog has been swinging from this script...
With that said...
This script is nothing short of cutting edge greatness. I loved it! It's the kind of script I'd find myself writing, had I not so many liberties to take with my own work.
I think your dialogue for the most part is spot on. I think your descriptions are some of the best I've ever read. They flow very easy and very natural. I think your characters, on the average, were very realistic too. This is a plus for anyone who wants to make screenplays/movies that people will want to read/watch and identify with.
I did, however, see a few spots where you didn't make 100% sense... "DONNIE TURNS AROUND AND PALES AT WHAT HE SEE's" I don't get that particular line and there were a few others in there.
I loved the ending too... I like endings that "can" happen and sometimes "do" happen. The not so happy and chipper ending always makes me smile.
Good ****ing read!!!
4.5 out of 5 --> easily the best script I've read since my return back.
Man, I am just sitting here with a big, goofy grin on my face. Thanks a ton, guys.
Balt, I started using PDF because I got tired of my formatting getting jerked around by Word all the time. You can sign up at Adobe for five free conversions, so you might want to give it a try. Not sure what I'll do after I've used them up, tho...
Hey Bert, I was bored at work so I thought I'd give this a run over. I can't really add anything more to what people have already said, but:
It's a great read. Your strongest point is definitely descriptive writing. Your work really reminds me of Stephen King (my favourite writer). Have you ever written a novel before? Have you ever thought about it?
Anywho, the story is great. It bookends well, great metaphor to the subject of salvage, parts, refurbished parts etc..etc.. Well tied in.
I read stuff at work, too! How awful is that? I wonder how much lost productivity can be attributed to this site -- lots, I'll bet.
What a nice surprise to find this old one bumped up! It's one of my favorites, and my only real foray into gore-hound territory (very zombie-like, for those who dig that kinda' stuff...you know who you are).
And thanks for the comparison -- made my day -- and I can't deny his influence, of course.
I try to read most of the authors here, but have never stumbled across any MacDuff stuff. Is there any out there?
I keep my feature length scripts to myself for some reason. The ones I finish are usually submitted to production companies.
I have 4 shorts that I submitted here. "Addiction" and "Father" are okay, but flawed (especially "Father"...I should remove that one). I've learned a lot since those. "Looking Down From Above" seems to be well received, though there are still changes I'd like to do. "Rest In Peace" was for Dogglebe's writing exercise. I like that.
This was GREAT. some of it reminded me of steven spielberg's "duel", at least the part where the he was being chased by the car. loved the detail in your descriptions, I'm a blood and guts man myself. keep up the good work.
Wow Bert, this was a pretty creepy script right here. I was holding my breath for the last three pages as it all came down to the shocking ending. May I say wow once again, this was fantastic.
The dialogue was flowing flawlessly, matched with the beautiful descriptions that you offered. Especially the one of Donnie, which made me chuckle when I read through that.
SPOILERS
So, basically that group of dead people, and the dead dog had come to the shop before and had their car worked on by Donnie? And they were told that the parts were as good as new, but really weren't? I read through that twice, and as I'm reading through it again it makes sense.
The only thing I didn't like about this script is how you knew there was going to be a body inside of this messed up car. Some of the events were predictable, not like that drags the script down or anything.
Your script caught me off guard a few times as well, which outmatched the predictability of it.
Wow...two in one day! It's always so much fun to find comments on old stories. Thanks for the boost!
People are going to think I'm payin' you guys or something...
Yeah, Jimbo -- you got the gist of the story. MacDuff said it "Bookends". I had never heard that phrase before, but understood it right away, and now I love it. Now I want all my stuff to "bookend" haha.
Most excellent Avatar you have selected, by the way.
You said you were going for a comic book feel and it definitely shows. I could definitely see this as a segment of Creepshow or a Tales From The Crypt episode. But the junkyard setting was genuinely creepy. Donnie's introduction was nicely done as well. I instantly had a feel for his character. All in all, a short-but-sweet script with a nice twist and some excellent carnage. Good job.
You hear that, gorehounds? There was enough carnage for McClung!
So this is my smile for the day. Glad you saw the Tales from the Crypt thing going on. That is what I was going for, and I guess I came pretty close. Thanks for taking time to check it out.
I read this at work the other day and was knocked out by the story and the characters..
I thought your descriptions were excellent, your pacing and tempo and the horror all ramped it up some.. Dialolgue is right on the money..
Excellent story and with a great ending...
You sure have a way with words..
You wanna write a book of short stories because you're wasting yourself with scripts.. You have a unique name too which would look pretty cool on the font cover like:
Edgar Allan Poe H. P. Lovecraft Jules Verne Daniel Defoe Terry Pratchett Stephen King
I could go on...
Just think...
SALVAGE by Robert Newcomer
or A Crypt of short stories by the master of horror, Robert Newcomer..
So a "Breakers Yard" is a "Junkyard"? Is that another brit thing? I know a bunch of those now from these boards. I'm surprised there are so many differences, albeit subtle ones.
And holy crapp...that's a mighty intimidating list of names you tossed out there -- very heady stuff -- thanks for that, Kev. I've thought about stories, but I guess I'm addicted to this form. Nothing else is as fun -- I'm a format junkie.
What a happy post, though. That'll keep me going all weekend, I suspect.
Yep, "Breakers Yard" is probably a British thing..
It's funny though because the name can be applied to lots of different meanings..
When vehicles end up in the yard they are broken up piece by piece for parts...
Also, the guys who run these yards also use heavy machinery to squash the vehicles, especially cars, into blocks of metal and this can be viewed as breaking up a car..
Most cars and vehicles that end up in these yards are broken and not viable for repair..
But, the parts can be cannibalized and used to repair otherwise roadworthy working cars..
Another name for these yards is "Scrap Yard", again, because the vehicles are either scrapped or parts ripped off and sold as scrap..
I like the "Breakers Yard" name myself.. They all work though..
This is one great story. What atmosphere. I loved the setting, the tone, the night, the characters. I love the ending. It worked.
POSSIBLE SPOILERS:
I can only offer one (throwaway) suggestion. When the tow truck driver brings the wreck to the salvage yard, and Donnie's all pissed off, maybe the driver can make a small reference to being there before. When Donnie says, you can't leave this here, maybe the driver can come back with, "You don't wanna do business with me? Why didn't you say that the other night."
Or maybe make it more subtle. Such as "Nice to me one night, ornery the next. What's the world coming to."
Anyway, my point is that if there is just the slightest hint that the driver had been to the salvage yard before and that he was treated better, when we look back, it adds a nifty little tie-in.
Just a thought. As for your dialogue, right on. Everything really kicks for me. Format is A+. You're no screenwriting 101 student, that's for sure.
Maybe you can read my script and give me some feed. Whenever I get around to writing and posting. Hope you can get "Salvage" filmed. It would be great as part of an anthology.
Thanks, Abe. Actually, your "throwaway" idea isn't too bad. A little foreshadowing, but something that doesn't make sense until later. I'm not exactly sure what he would say, either -- but I completely get what you mean.
"Gimme some feed" he says. Haha, I like that. Dropping comments on the things you read is by far the best way to get people curious about where you are coming from as another writer, you know? Keep doing that and you'll probably get plenty of feed.
And Bert delivers again in another chilling short tale. I think I've read everything you have finally.
Very clever and well executed. I did wonder why the truck drove away only to come back later. It worked dramtically and makes perfect sense from that angle, but from a character angle, it just makes me wonder why the delay. Obviously there was a point to be made, so why not make it immediately? I turn it over in my head, and obviously there has to be time to take it inside, but then we come back to why? Just so he can fool with it for a little while and make his discovery? Scare tactic? I dunno. It's my only comment on it, really.
Now, to be honest, I wouldn't change a thing. It has good pacing, a good main character, good enough supporting, a dgreat plot and twist, and solid reasoning. If there were a good way to explain away this little piece of delay, that would only add to it, but given the way it flows, it works very, very well.
Thanks, George. I guess you hadn't seen this one. Wish I could say the same about reading all of your stuff, but sheesh -- is that even possible? It would be like trying to bail out New Orleans with a dixie cup. Belial looks interesting, though -- kind of a 2nd cousin to Fempiror -- and I hope to check it out in the coming weeks.
As to your comment -- yeah, you are right about that -- but boy is that subtle. I had never noticed that, and you'd think I would have (but kept it to myself...). I wonder if there is an easy fix for that? I'll have to think about it.
And thanks for the read through, of course. It's always fun when I get to give a little bump to my stories together.
As to your comment -- yeah, you are right about that -- but boy is that subtle. I had never noticed that, and you'd think I would have (but kept it to myself...). I wonder if there is an easy fix for that? I'll have to think about it.
I figure you deserve a little nit-picking, which is what the comment is. It's just one of those thigns that if you can figure out any way to work it, great, but if you can't, don't worry about it. I think you did great with this, but if I can find something to pick at, I'll do it. What doesn't kill us and all that...
I don't know if it was because it was set in a junkyard or what, but this script had me thinking of Stephen King's Christine. I think it also had a lot to do with your writing style as well. Are you a big Stephen King fan?
SPOILERS
I loved the tow truck scene when Kimber got smashed, that was nuts, it had me thinking, what the hell is going on here? So I guess that means you succeeded in creating intrigue. I also felt the story was economically told, because at no stage did I feel the story lagging. The solid ending had me thinking about Stephen King again and how this story could have sat quite well as an episode in either of the Creepshow movies.
So, well done Burt, this is one of the better scripts I've read on this site.
Hey -- Thanks, Takeshi. I missed this with all the new stuff going up.
And yeah, the King connection comes up from time to time in reader comments. But heck, I grew up on that stuff, and I will never deny his influence. In fact, I kind of dig it when people pick up on it.
Thanks again for your comments. I am still chuckling over "1000 Masks", by the way.
Hey Bert. This was really good. The Stephen King influence remains prevalent throughout per the usual but it really only shows as an influence. I think you’ve forged your own style. I’m judging by movies based on King’s work. I don’t much read the literature on which those movies are based. I could probably count on one hand how many Stephen King books I’ve read.
As far as scripts, however, I can see the influence but I can see the Robert Newcomer original style. As usual, you cannot resist the…I’ll call them…Bertisms…casual exposition that adds an almost humorous dimension (Yeah. It’s loaded), but you do have quite a knack for the chilling.
I really enjoyed it. Good job. I hope Hollywood one day pulls its head out of its ass and produces a Robert Newcomer Horror film. I’ll leave the theater with my hair standing up like that little tuft of hair on your head -- haha.
Brea (<=obsessed with Bert’s little tuft of hair on his head)
Hey, thanks alot for looking, Brea. This one seems to be the one people like best, so I guess I'll have to keep that in mind when I get itchy to write another.
And it will be chock full o' "Bertisms" -- my new favorite word!!
I've been told by some that my descriptions are a bit much, but fortunately, most people don't seem to have a problem with it. It's hard to find the right balance sometimes.
Boy am I glad somebody revived this thread.. I'm going to be honest Bert. Horror is not one of my favorite genres. I often detest the new ones, and I'm not a fan of reading them on this site. Particularly since twisted torture has been the latest craze. However you write using such vivid descriptions and language that it paints (a rather unpretty) portrait of what your characters sees into my head. The way you described the mother and child was effective and made my knees weak.
Your idea, a creative one can easily be butchered by unskilled writer. But you handeled it with the care that I think horror films need these days.
I particularly liked how you described the police officer as "comfortable in his uniform." Simply wordered and gave me a clear image of what this character is like.
Holy crow...what is going on with this script today?
And I...well...I really liked your review, Tony. Thanks alot. Whether you know it or not, what you said is some of my favorite stuff to hear. Us horror writers spend most of our time walking around like Rodney Dangerfield looking for a little respect, you know?
So that's three bumps in one day. Nuts. Now I have to go read some of the submissions from last week and bump myself down so I don't look like a selfish s.o.b.
I just finished this last night, as well as ALL-MART.
*SPOILERS*
Okay, I didn't think this one was good as ALL-MART, but it was still great - and at the ending - wonderfully weird!
You've planned this quite well. Everythings up-to scratch, and the Donnie character is exactly how I would expect a junkyard owner to be like.
The dialouge was nice - and snappy for that fact. The driver's dialouge was great, and eerie at the same time. The time of day in this script makes it a great setting.
The ending was quite unexpected. Oh, and do I see something relevant to ALL-MART? "As the rip widens, the blood-soaked bodies of a WOMAN and CHILD slowly emerge from the car." - This may be the bodies of Mom and her Son - their ride home sabataged!
It was great. The weird dog. The ripped faces. The mangled bodies. Of course, it wasn't gory or 'the biggest horror of the year', but you definately captured the eerieness in this. Great job!
Page 7 no character only dialoge. You don't say anything about Donnie reloading his gun only that he emptyed several rounds and then again empted several more rounds into the trunk of the car. A revolver only holds six rounds. Just somethings for you to think about.
I like the part at the end with the tie rod. Good use of actions in this one.
While I think I read a very similar story in an old House of Mystery comic book, I found this script to be very enjoyable. Characterization was good. Donny was a slob, but not overly so, and the driver had a good air of mystery to him.
Pacing was very good, though I do agree with Dan about that one page of all action.
Good, vivid descriptions. With Donnie's introduction get a good feel for what type of person he is, dialog that matches actions for the character.
Instead of saying he's wearing a trench coat for weather that's hot. Maybe show Donnie, inside with his porn, with the fan going, sweat pouring down his face. And then when the guy in the trenchcoat arrives, we figure out for ourselves its too hot for any sane person to be wearing a coat.
Seems it would be Donnie who's ass would be in trouble if the guy just left the car there. It's sitting in front of his junkyard.
Good dialog between Kimber and Donnie, sharing details about Donnie without exposition.
Why didn't the black truck ram its way into the junkyard when it first arrived? Yes the police showed up, but if you leave bodies in a car that's to be expected.
SPOILERS
A little overwritten here and there, but still a very good read. Actually I was a bit jealous as I read this. Wonderful description, characters that speak in their own voice, and actions appropriate to their personality and what is going on. A twist I never saw coming with the Driver being a ghost, and wonderful play on words.
The only thing that doesn't work for me is the arrival of the police officer, it seems out of place. I'd cut it and when Donnie won't open the gate for the driver when he drops off the car, have the driver smash in the gate at that point. The driver wants to get at Donnie, so he tries to drop off a car, and when Donnie won't play nice he smashes his way in to get his revenge.
I forgot to respond to Phil. I went back to look at the page without dialogue, and I can see what you mean. But the only way to fix that would be to have him talking to himself -- and I usually try to keep that to a minimum. Perhaps there is another way to break this up.
And I can’t deny the “House of Mystery” style you noticed, either. This story is an original one (promise!) -- but the telling of it is lifted right from the pages of that old rag.
Thus far I have resisted the temptation to use a few of those old stories -- but it doesn’t mean there aren’t a couple that I would love to use. I've got one from "Eerie" that would completely rock. I wonder what kind of copyright laws are in place for an adaptation of something so old?
--------------------------------------------
Thank you, too, Wildgrace. George (the only other reader to do so, I think) also picked up on the “Why?” with the police officer, and I have to confess it is just to keep the story moving along like I wanted it to.
The driver is just messing with him -- drawing it out, I suppose. Yeah, that is kind of lame -- but I think it all makes “horror” sense in the end -- if not rational sense. Most horror starts to break down if you think about it too hard...
I’ll just chalk that up as a small logic breakdown that doesn’t kill the story by itself -- until I come up with a justification that doesn’t bog things down with exposition -- which probably would kill the momentum of this story.
Here's an idea for you, Bert. A little thing to maybe throw into the "why" bucket. Why would the driver drop the car off only to come back later? The driver is looking for revenge, but maybe there is a point he needs to make first. If it is crystal clear that Donnie needs to find something out first, and THEN be re-visited, then it works. Maybe he's supposed to "get" something. He doesn't get it, so the driver returns. Maybe he does get it, and when he does, it triggers the driver's reentrance. I think what I was previously missing here was a trigger of some sort. Something that causes the next stage instead of a random reentry. Just musing.
Very good horror story in Steven Spielberg's "Duel" sordid atmosphere. I was hanging to my seat reading it.
It looked almost perfect to me. Not a lot to say. Maybe the Internet part at the beginning could be changed. I see Donnie as a has-been redneck. Taking the Internet part out will give a more intemporal tone to the story. Used porn magazines look more squalish to me.
Being in the auto parts business I can say that I know more about this subject than I care to. If people only knew the crap parts they get on their cars when they take them in for repair they'd be horrified. Even at the dealers you get crap unless you specify OEM.
Anyway,
IMHO, your writing style here was really good, but has become even better. Your writing is sharper and more terse now, yet still as descriptive.
I was surprised to see some foul language in this one since you tend to stay fairly clean and reserved in your style. You also had a little more violence, gore and intenseness here. I enjoyed that part. I think I've even said in some other thread somewhere that you should relax a little more. Not hold back so much. After reading this one, I believe that even more so. You did good here, let things get a little crazy every now and then.
PS. Why did the cop have to die? He didn't do anything wrong.
P.S. Why did the cop have to die? He didn't do anything wrong.
Yeah -- George called me on that, too. He had to die because -- well, that is just the price one must pay for serving as a minor character in a horror story.
Actually, that is a flaw here that will be addressed someday. When writing this, the momentum of the story carried me right over that kill without my even giving it a second thought. Good eye catching that. Most haven't -- or at least, they didn't mention it.
The cursing served the story, I thought, and the excess gore was an experiment with something I hadn't done before. It was fun, and (for me, anyway) harder than I thought it might be.
Thanks for the Halloween bump on one of my scary ones, Pia!
Wow, Bert - I love this one - it worked on all levels!
First, I have to say that I like your descriptions. You have a smooth, articulate way with words, with lines such as:
"two lane truck route disappearing into infinity" "a few windshields...have a matching set - one right, one left" even: "the saline-enhanced breasts of a pouting blonde"
It's a pleasure to read, and the dialogue is natural, too. (I also appreciate the fact that the cop isn't cliche, something that always bothers me when I see it in a script.)
The story is tight, to the point...and the ending works perfectly. There's a good reason for the ghouls to seek revenge, and the punishment fits the crime quite well (...we're here for spare parts...)
I haven't read alot of scripts yet, but at least to this point this is the best I've read...! I don't think it needs a single rewrite. It's ready for primetime, just as-is!
Hi Janet. Thank you for hopping onto not one but two stories and taking a look! I agree that this one is superior to “Someplace Nice & Dark”, so I’ll just thank you here for both of them. “SN&D” will get new life as an extended version one of these days, I suspect.
Your debut work for Phil’s little game shows that you are no slouch with the written word, so I particularly appreciated your take on the descriptive passages -- both here and for “SN&D”. The style is not always to everybody’s taste, but that’s my voice and I seem to be stuck with it.
I had noticed you poking around looking at various authors and I was concerned that maybe “Old Man Crim” had scared you off my work altogether. Glad to see that wasn’t the case. And the best so far? Didn’t you just read “Suicide” the other day? You had better check with Phil before handing out such proclamations haha!
Thanks again, W.V., and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.
You're more than welcome...! I love it when a piece of writing gells (whether its a script, or a review, or prose.) So, it's a pleasure to have read something as well polished as Salvage. (And definitely thank you for the praise on my writing style. I know, I've a bit to learn on formatting, but am glad to hear that the essence of the story and the writing flow came through as intended...!)
Yes, I admit to liking Salvage more than Suicide. (Sorry, Dogglebee!!) Now, I've recently read Linus...and that is a script to top...much more my style. It has strong internal logic, and comes to a very satisfying, natural...and creepy conclusion....
Hey, Bert. Thanks for suggesting me to this read. It was really well written, and told a great stroy. I enjoyed the play on words that the title offers. But why make the driver wait in order to get his revnege? I think the action could have happened quicker, making it more suspenseful. That's one way I saw it, but there are always different specrums of seeing things so I guess this proved more beneficiial to you. A fantastic read.
Gabriel
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Very weird and very sickening…but I like it. Your description is excellent and to the point, Bert. You even named the book Kimber was reading!
I don’t particularly care for these kinds of stories. Too gory and dark. But your way of tackling certain scenes kept my interest. I just wanted to know where this is going.
Thanks for looking at this one, Ayham. I recall discussing this one with you before -- and now you know why I laughed when you asked if it was based upon a true story.
That is further than I usually go. That was just one of those details that occurs to you while writing -- unplanned -- but it felt appropriate. A quick way to tell us the kind of guy he is -- since he isn't around for very long haha.
That, too, is further than I usually go. My primary reason for this one was to play around with a nice, gory tale -- something that is not really found in my other works. And I found it to be harder than it looks -- it is very easy to cross that line where it becomes almost comical. I hope I didn't trip over it.
Thanks again for the look -- and a chance to comment on one of my favorites.
Man, Bert...you rock when it comes to description. This is the first thing of yours that I've read, but I was seriously impressed.
Nice twist at the end. I really didn't see that coming. I groaned when you revealed who the driver was, but that was only because I thought it was one of those "Oh, he's come back from the dead to terrorize this guy for no specific reason" kind of things. (if you understand what I mean) But I was satisfied once that reason was revealed.
One question; why did he kill the officer? It seems pointless if he's come back for revenge. Unless I missed something, that officer was innocent.
The quote thing didn't work...I'm quoting Bert here from an earlier discussion with Phil;
Thus far I have resisted the temptation to use a few of those old stories -- but it doesn?t mean there aren?t a couple that I would love to use. I've got one from "Eerie" that would completely rock. I wonder what kind of copyright laws are in place for an adaptation of something so old?
--------------------------------------------
First of, what's the "House of Mystery"? Comic books? if so can you provide links?
Bert, it doesn't matter if it's old, there are still copyrights that dictate their usage. And I'm talking about old comic books that are out of prints.
This is a link to one of my favorite European comic heroes, one of which I've tried so hard to obtain the copyrights to. But the copyrights owners wouldn't talk to me unless I'm a producer affiliated with a company... So I suspect the same thing would happen to you if you tried.
Sorry to go off topic here but I'm just answering Berts' question regarding copyrights...And while we're at it, is there a thread about comic books around here somewhere?
Hey, thanks for the compliment, Matt. I thought you might check out something (allegedly) funny -- but this kind of stuff is actually my favorite to do.
Quoted from dresseme
One question; why did he kill the officer?
Yeah, I think I mentioned previously that the momentum of the story carried me right over this glitch while writing. The kind of thing you don't see yourself until people start asking questions -- then you're like, "Well, duh."
I might involve him deeper in the backstory -- or I might just lose him and expand the story with Donnie alone. I would hate to lose his kill scene, though -- the bouncing headlights are actually my favorite detail in this story haha.
First off, what's the "House of Mystery"? Comic books?
Yeah, man -- great comic books. There were maybe a dozen titles all told, "House of Mystery", "Vault of Horror" -- they all had "of" in the middle haha -- and they were collections of stories with "shock" endings. Here's one I found pretty easy:
A Google search will give you all you want pretty quick. "Eerie" and "Creepy" were black and white -- and even darker in terms of the stories that were told. I loved those -- and when I get back into writing for fun I'll probably adapt a story from "Eerie" -- copyrights be damned -- it's a helluva story -- and they can hunt me down if they really want to...
[Edit: There is a comic thread around here somewhere -- try the Books board. And as far as French comics go, I dig Titeuf.]
Hey Bert, I told you I'd read this a while ago.Sorry it took so long. Forgive me if I go over what has already been said. My only complaint with this absolutly fantastic script was one of your descriptions.
Yeah. It's loaded.
Is that correct format? If so, sorry. I'm still kinda new. Other than that, this was great. I absolutly loved the ending! It was one of the better endings to any short I have read. I don't do this too much, so feel honored. 10 out of 10
This was a really good script. I was wondering how you were gonna make it more than just hack'n slash for the sake of it, and you delivered a gruesomely funny punchline. Setup was perfect.
One thing I absolutely love about your style of writing is your descriptions. They're wordy yet controlled, with an extremely creative flow. I almost always have to look up words when I read your work (I'm reading the Farm and then I've read this one) but I like that so that's in no way a bad thing for me. I'ts a treat - like "I wonder what word I'm gonna learn today?"
One thing that kinda threw me, and I'm not sure if it's been mentioned, but there was quite a bit of product placement in this script. There's the Korn t-shirt, the Rolling Stone cap and I think a third one too. I was under the impression naming brands in your descriptions was a no-no?
But that's really nit-picky. Great script. Yucky too.
"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."
It’s concise. That’s what I was thinking, anyway. Bending the rules, perhaps, but not breaking any.
Quoted from Death Monkey
…wordy yet controlled…
I love that haha. I do consider each word. It’s a curse, and I am one of those that usually ends up on the wrong side of the “how much description is too much” debate around here. But I will always contend that it is not wrong -- simply a matter of taste. As with anything, some readers will appreciate it, and some will not.
Quoted from Death Monkey
…naming brands in your descriptions was a no-no?
Naming specific songs is a no-no, for sure. But specific items can help define a character. If Donnie were drinking, what would you give him -- Pabst or Absolute? You are probably right that you can go overboard with it, though. And the Stones cap just struck me as a nice visual. He needs a hat, that would look good (to me), and it would be easy to find one.
I didn’t know you were looking at Farm. Hope it doesn’t disappoint. It is past due for another draft, actually. I do watch the boards and have seen your stuff getting some praise. I can’t promise to look right away, but I have been curious about Pool and Mute, and I usually remember to read what I say I will look over, eventually. Late bumps can be good, right?
Yeah I'm reading the Farm, but I'm a very slow reader and have to read in chunks spread between by school-work and work so I probably won't get back to you on that until next week or later.
As for the brands, it was something I recently read in one of those "10 faux pas of screenwriting" in a plethora of well-meaning yet confusing advisory pamphlets about the craft. The author was complaining about young writers writing "glock 17" instead of just "9mm handgun" and the likes, but I guess a lot of those faux pas' are a matter of taste as you say.
I think I'm gonna put up a revised version of The Mute some time next week or the one after that, so please take your time - so long as you don't read it until the new draft is up!
"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."
Funny, I read this before you posted yesterday saving a review for morning.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the Morality Play aspect of the story. But I'm not here to bust you on trying to add meaning to horror.
I think the cop could be worked in better. This type of tale requires him to have some type of hand in the death.
If you want to bookmark it with him selling faulty items to someone else that would complete the Morality Play aspect of it completely. Though, that might make it too much like an episode of THE HITCHER I seen.
...I'm not here to bust you on trying to add meaning to horror.
Meaning?? What do you think this is? Poetry or something?
(That’s a joke, folks, not disrespect. Dethan will get it.)
Actually, I find that most horror is really a morality play at heart. Generally, of course -- not counting the endless (and constantly growing) glut of mad, psycho killers around here.
Me, too. That’s a weak link, for sure. I actually missed that myself until people started pointing that out. Future drafts may lose him (another alternative), but then I would also have to lose the “bouncing headlights”, which are my favorite detail in the whole story.
I thought I'd check this one out. I've been meaning to get around to reading a bit of blood and gore on this site - sort of expanding my horizons you might say ( I admit it - I am a wus).
I'll say right up front I found myself kind of enjoying this. It was well-paced, vivid in its description and without an ounce of fat on it. The payoff was a nice touch (its surprising how many writers often overlook this).
My main problem though - and this is a common beef I have with these types of stories - is that the characters just aren't very likeable. Not that they weren't interesting, or even without a certain charm. I guess I just prefere to invest myself in characters I can look up to, or admire, or find some redeaming quality. I don't know if this makes any sense or not. I guess its a personal thing.
If I had any suggestions it might be to make Donnie more likeable. Is that possible - a junk dealer? I don't know. Granted, it would be a challenge but if you moved him away from being the stereotypical redneck, then he might be easier to cheer for.
At any rate - good job. I admired it quite a bit and even enjoyed it on a certain level. Take my advice for what it is, coming from someone outside of the genre.
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
My main problem though - and this is a common beef I have with these types of stories - is that the characters just aren't very likeable.
And that’s my clue that this is not your home genre haha. The nasty character who receives his comeuppance is a staple of the genre. But the character does have to be interesting, at the very least, and sometimes that is tough in these streamlined stories with relatively few players. I do need to consider your perspective, and those like yours, I suppose.
I…even enjoyed it on a certain level…coming from someone outside of the genre.
My little story is a bit removed from “Milo”, isn’t it? I’ve heard many good things about that one, even off the boards. And it's in the pending file. Thanks again for your “outsider” perspective.
No, Zack. I wish. And I certainly would have said something had it been. Why do you ask?
There have been nibbles -- one guy was trying to get an anthology show off the ground -- but self-proclaimed "producers" come and go pretty frequently on these boards.
I prefer to wait until there is significant forward momentum on a project before I announce anything.
I thought that the picture on the first page was a picture from the production, but oh well. This would take a decent budget to produce, but if I had the money I'd jump at the chance. Maybe one day...
I thought I already commented on this but I guess I didn't, so I took another quick look to sort of refresh my memory.
This is a creepy one. Two things really worked well for the creepiness factor that I think could be accentuated. One is a show with no tell, you show us the family, how extremely mangled they are, and we are (I believe) supposed to assume that it was some kind of car accident, but you don't tell us exactly how the accident happened. We know it must have been some extremeley gruesome one, and the fact that you don't show that accident in the script I think works for it, it allows the readers mind to wander and picture the most horrible thing imaginable. It's sort of like the whole "Rear Window" what's in the suitcase thing. It could have just been jewelry, but by not showing us, are mine can wander and picture her head in the suitcase.
The other really creepy thing is we get the idea that they aren't just taking parts from this one guy, but also going around stealing parts from everyone, and once again, this lets our munds wander.
The only thing I would do is make these thing more obvious, make it more obvious that they plan on\already have taken parts from other people, so that our minds can make that jump and can imagine those horrible things, and bring up just passingly their accident, maybe have them say that it was somehow unusual, and then our minds can wander even more.
Thanks, Higgs. I wasn't gonna respond to this -- I gave "Angels" a read instead -- but then I saw this would be post #75 and thought what the heck, you know?
What an odd take you have on this story.
I wonder where you got the idea that they were "salvaging" from other people? This is a supposed to be revenge tale, specific for ol' Donnie. Now I have to go read it again and see if I am sending out an unintentional message somewhere.
Thanks, Higgs, for bringing up a possible hiccup in the narrative. I will give it a look.
I always like it when this one gets bumped around Halloween, though...and thanks for an excuse to get my little red #75 ball haha.
I wonder where you got the idea that they were "salvaging" from other people? This is a supposed to be revenge tale, specific for ol' Donnie. Now I have to go read it again and see if I am sending out an unintentional message somewhere.
Wow. I'm embaressed. i completely didn't get the revenge angle. I thought they simply were in a car crash and all that talk of getting used parts was that they were going around and killing people and taking their "used parts" in order to replenish their lost ones. I really saw a twist that wasn't there. i like it though, and I can't believe no one else thought the same thing:
1. he's coming at him with an AXE, perfect for removing parts.
2. When asked what he wants, he say's "spare parts"
3. He and his family are all missing parts.
I just thought the fact that he sold spare parts made it ironic. Huh.
It didn't engage me quite as much as Someplace Nice and Dark, but it was enjoyable standard horror fare.
I think the reason I didn't feel quite as involved was because the characters in this one weren't as likeable. It wasn't like I disliked them but I found I didn't care as much about what was happening to them.
I thought the horror was handled well and it had a few surprises but all in all it seemed pretty standard. That isn't a criticism in that I don't think it's something you need to change, it's just my observation.
It didn't engage me quite as much as Someplace Nice and Dark, but it was enjoyable standard horror fare.
I was thinking of those old shock-horror comic books while this one was written. I will agree that it is a fairly straightforward story that does not try to accomplish too much. It’s not like there is a message here or anything.
Quoted from mcornetto
I think the reason I didn't feel quite as involved was because the characters in this one weren't as likeable.
I will agree with this, too. And that can get filed with my first response.
But this one is overdue for a reworking, actually. And it will focus on Donnie, probably losing Kimber. I will have to kill a few darlings in the process -- (the bouncing headlights that accompany Kimber’s demise are my favorite detail in the whole story, darn it) -- but enough readers have convinced me that he does not belong in this story.
Focusing more on Donnie will likely strengthen his character, and that is probably a good thing here. I think you are correct that the story would be stronger if it were more invested in Donnie’s plight alone, all by himself.
Quoted from mcornetto
...but all in all it seemed pretty standard.
Fair enough. But thank you for glancing over some of this stuff. Comments are always fun -- they are what keep us going -- and it may even help inspire me to quit procrastinating on the new stuff...
This is, at its core, a very simple story. That said, it's the accoutrements -- the well written discriptives that make this a winner. Where you excel, I think, is in bringing to life not only characters, but also their surroundings (something I'm going to pay more attention to as I write).
Anyway, this script left me with but one question: Why did the driver leave? He of course returns -- in any case, I'm left wondering why he left in the first place. Perhaps I missed something.
This was really good. The premise of the story is simple and straight forward, which is often the the best way to go. Your descriptions are top notch, very rich and visual, but be careful of not overselling it. While your introduction of the Junkyard sets a great tone it does take up a whole page but, on screen, it would probably not take more than 10-15 seconds to show (it eats up space, if you know what I mean).
You established Donnie's (love the name btw) character really well and quite easily actually, so that was good. He comes off very believable and everything he does seems to suit his character.
The story, like I said, is straight forward - you're not curing cancer - and while it's not overly original, it definitely has its moments of brilliance. I thought that when you first introduced the Driver (in his black coat) that it was very generic of the genre, but your introduction of his mutilated family really took it to another level. The fact that Donnie runs out of bullets also kinda rubbed me the wrong way - that you could see coming a mile away.
I know you needed to build up suspense and tension, but when you look at it objectively, it really doesn't make much logical sense for the driver to drop the car off at the junkyard, drive away - and then come back. It seems that you were stalling it a bit (which is fine in itself) but you need a reason in the script to justify this.
There wasn't a whole lot of dialogue in this script but what was there worked well I think. I really liked this line:
Quoted from Salvage
DRIVER An arm here, a leg there...it all adds up, you know?
In respect of the writing and format, the script is pretty solid. This one seems a bit strange though.
Quoted from Salvage
INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK
Also, there's a couple of instances were you the "is" approach, like 'is barreling' or 'is coming'. Personally I don't like those and I think that if you were to write the same script today, then you would probably write those things differently.
Anyways, I thought it was a good and entertaining read.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Honestly? It was a device to get Kimber into the picture, if only temporarily. In a new draft with Kimber gone, the driver can just smash through the gates and get things rolling right away. Donnie's story can be expanded a bit, with Donnie all by himself.
The pacing should be better, and things should make a bit more sense.
Quoted from Sniper
While your introduction of the Junkyard sets a great tone it does take up a whole page but, on screen, it would probably not take more than 10-15 seconds to show (it eats up space, if you know what I mean).
I get what you mean, but I envisioned the credits playing over these early scenes. It reads (I hope) as a series of shots, as the camera moves from the gates, through the junkyard, to the trailer, to the window, and finally settling on Donnie. Trying to "suggest" to the director without telling him what to do explicitly. I will re-examine that segment with brevity in mind, though. It does run long.
Quoted from Sniper
The fact that Donnie runs out of bullets also kinda rubbed me the wrong way - that you could see coming a mile away.
I would have seen it coming, too. There is a certain type of audience -- you amongst them, I suppose -- that will always see that cliché coming.
Regarding the slugline and the “is” stuff:
Quoted from Sniper
…if you were to write the same script today, then you would probably write those things differently.
You bet. There has been some bitching lately about reviewers calling out small nits, but I appreciate it. I might have skimmed right over them on a rewrite, but now I won’t.
I’m gonna return to this one before too long, I think, with big changes in the middle. I think I might give Donnie a dog -- but the animal-lovers ain't gonna be too fond of what happens to it haha.
I appreciate it guys. Thanks. It occurs to me now that I do not recall having read a Sniper piece before, which surprises me a bit. I'll have to fix that before too long, too.
Hi Bert, Just wanted to say great story, really enjoyed reading it. Getting ready to have a bash at my own first short and this story is gonna be my benchmark i think.
I am surprised you are considering a re-draft without Kimber, i realize that that his presence exposed a few questions that remain unanswered but reading through some of the earlier comments on this post i have a few thoughts on a scenario that may actually explain all.
** is it cool to offer story suggestions on these forums, i don't want to offend so if i am in the wrong please let me know!
I think a back story for Kimber would be a good way forward, does not have to be much would would give a good excuse to kill him and at the same time provide the answer as to why the driver waited for a while before coming back to the salvage yard, i.e. he was waiting for Kimber to show up.
My idea was that when Kimber comes to the yard he is actually let in by Donnie and gets to see the car, it is then that Kimber realizes that he has seen the car before, that very morning in fact when he was called to the scene of an RTA. If Kimber is somehow a corrupt cop and said something / or did something in the presence of the dead family, he obviously thought he would get away with it with no witness (maybe steals the woman's wedding ring or something).
Once Kimber sees the car we maybe get a flashback to what happened, the drivers face could be out of shot as not to spoil the surprise and as soon as the flashback is over then the truck comes back to the yard and kills Kimber. Of course there is no reason for the driver to know that Kimber would be the cop who comes out to the yard, but many horror films tend to be small town, one cop stories and in many cases the plot hinges on this fact, so not really a plot-hole or very much out of place.
Anyway, just my thoughts, it was a great story and not really spoilt by the unanswered questions at all.
Now, see? I am already curious as to what you might come up with once inspiration finally strikes. Ol’ Murphy here is a fast learner haha.
If only more of the new members would figure out that you can actually post somewhere besides the Movie Rumor board.
Quoted from Murphy
…is it cool to offer story suggestions on these forums?
It's the reason we are here. The single-most useful aspect of these forums.
And I know exactly what you mean about skimming over the plot holes introduced by Kimber. I, too, think that if you were actually watching this on the screen the momentum of the story would carry you right over those inconsistencies.
I did not even notice it while writing this! The readers are the ones that called me on it.
So, the problem is -- now I know they are there. Darn it. And if I ignore it, well, I might as well go sticking an elephant in there or something, you know?
Quoted from Murphy
Once Kimber sees the car we maybe get a flashback to what happened...
I did not want to get bogged down in a lot of backstory, but yes, a quick flashback could work, too, couldn't it, if the circumstances were appropriate. I had not really considered that option, but will think on it a bit now, for sure.
Quoted from Murphy
…it was…not really spoilt by the unanswered questions at all.
So thanks for muddying the water
That’s a joke, Murphy. Thanks for your thoughts. And welcome to the boards. Good luck with your stuff.
Sorry, don't mean to muddy the water Its always the same with most films aint it? If the story is well written and well paced then small plot-holes and so on can seem so insignificant you do not even think about them. However as soon as one person notices one and mentions it it is hard to get out of your mind i guess.
This story was executed brilliantly, the pace and suspense were excellent throughout and thus little questions do not even come to mind. If they come after then it is less important, as long as your 90 mins in the cinema were enjoyable who cares if you start to question little details on the drive home?
Anyway that would be my philosophy, Thanks for your kind words, i am planning to read the Farm at some point this week if it is as well written as this then i am sure it will be a good read.
This was pretty good and well written. Your descriptions and dialog were good. I don't have a lot to complain about but I'll think of something. Uh...
Ok, how 'bout this.
I thought the introduction of Kimber kind of seemed out of place. I mean, it makes sense logically but it felt weird to have him just show up and die. You get a pretty good surprise and, I imagine, scare but at the same time it felt weird.
Also, Kimber, from what I saw, didn't really seem like he deserved what the driver did to him. The driver's got a reason to go after Donnie, but to hide in the bushes until kimber shows up feels like a dickish thing to do. So I guess I was a little put off by that. You might be able to alleviate this problem for me if you did some more stuff with Kimber before he bites the dust.
Also, through most of it, I didn't think you were going to go supernatural on me and when you did I was a little disappointed, I guess because I wasn't expecting it. I think you could fix this problem by either 1) not making the Driver a Zombie but rather just an angry guy out for revenge or 2) Hinting more at the supernatural earlier.
So, overall it was good. I was able to overlook these problems I had with it, I was being knit picky so I'd have something to say.
Thanks, SW. While I know it is very weasel-like to respond to an old comment right after a new batch of stuff has been posted, I just got back from vacation, so I must beg your indulgence.
Kimber kind of seemed out of place...it felt weird to have him just show up and die...Also, Kimber…didn't really seem like he deserved what the driver did to him...feels like a dickish thing to do.
Your assessment is correct. In a couple of previous posts I talked about removing Kimber from this story, and I am still struggling with that.
And I also wanted to acknowledge your calling the driver "dickish", which cracked me up for some reason that I have yet to figure out.
I didn't think you were going to go supernatural on me...
Now this comment caught me off guard. I always assumed I was pretty up front with that -- it's where the majority of my stuff goes -- but I guess I can see what you mean.
This was insanely good, Bert. I mean, wow. I loved this script so much that I actually read it twice. It's just so darn creepy and it hits ALL the right places. This was a good ol' fashion horror story, which was well-written and nicely paced. I would love to see this script produced. It reminds me so much of Stephen King! I just love SK!
Improvement:
In order to make this story work a little better, it'd be nice to change Donnie's characterization a bit. What I mean is that at the end, I feel bad for him. I don't quite understand why this dead family is after him. Yes, he sold them the used parts and they were defective, but is that really his fault? As a person who sells used parts, you're not an expert on every piece. You get junk, do a quick inspection, and a test run to see if the piece works. I'm sure Donnie did this. You don't state otherwise. So, why is he really dying for? Is it false advertisement? Used parts, good as new when they obviously weren't? Although one can argue than even new parts can have defects in them...
My problem is with the driver. He had to know that USED parts are never the same as NEW parts. Yes they may be "as good as" but they are never EXACTLY the same. This man preferred spending less on that piece and it didn't pay off for him. It was a tragic ACCIDENT, but I don't think that Donnie ever imagined anything like that could happen.
Furthermore, the way you portray Donnie is odd. I guess you're going for the smelly, ugly pervert feel. He's overweight, wearing clothing too small for him, and watching porn. So what? Are we immediately supposed to loath the man and want him dead because of these unappealing traits? That wasn't the case for me. I liked Donnie, at least enough to not want to see the poor man killed at the end. The thing with Donnie is that he's NOT shown to be a bad guy. He's not Mr. Perfect, of course, but he is far from being a guy you want to butchered by ghosts. He's an ordinary flawed man who sold a part to a man that ended up being defected and causing a tragic accident. There was no malice in his actions and no culpability that I can see.
I enjoyed this story a lot. The writing is wonderful, but I didn't like seeing either character die (Kimber or Donnie). I don't think this story is set up for either one of them deserving their deaths. You can correct this is you show Donnie having a HISTORY of doing this kind of thing. You can connect this to Kimber if you want (thus making both men deserving of their deaths). Remember the phone call when Kimber asks Donnie about that feud with them Fitchner boys? Maybe that's Donnie's business competition. Donnie may mention that not too long ago, he was losing customers because of this competition, but now with his LOWER prices he is winning them back. Kimber can take credit for some of this and say something like, "See, I told you so, just advertise this junk as new and no one will ever know the difference." In this way, both characters are suddenly involved in this plan to DECEIVE people and they are obviously aware that what they are selling IS in fact junk. They may even mention the word defective. "People don't want lifetime guarantees no more; they can't afford it; this defective junk we sell, it may last them one or two trials runs, but what else are they gonna afford?" and then maybe insert some chuckling or something. *shrugs* just a thought.
One last thing, when the ghosts repeat Donnie's little motto, used parts..etc and the driver says "That's what we're here for" is he implying that the family, which lost various limbs, is also there to take advantage of Donnie's deal of "used parts good as new"? I thought that was a very CREEPY twist in the story. Where Donnie suddenly becomes the "junk" in this yard and his parts are the ones that will be "sold" good as new. anyway, this wasn't 100 percent clear, which is why I'm asking. If this was not your intention, I kind of wish you would go back and add that as, maybe not a twist in the story, but maybe an ironic look at Donnie's words coming to bite him in the ass.
So, if this is supposed to be more of a revenge type of horror story, then it needs to have a CLEARER, more justifiable reason for revenge. Right now these ghosts just seem bitter, wanting to blame poor Donnie for a bad accident.
…but I don't think that Donnie ever imagined anything like that could happen…I liked Donnie...there was no malice in his actions and no culpability that I can see.
I didn’t think it was possible for anybody to raise a fresh angle on this story, but your points are really well taken, KelterDai. I like Donnie, too, and have never considered the point of view that you raise here. Geez.
I am going to lose Kimber in a future draft, expanding this tale a bit with Donnie alone (although I might give him a dog). Some backstory, as you mention -- alluding to the fact that this aspect of his business is pervasive -- certainly does belong there.
Haha. That's pretty good, and your assessment was correct. Higgs (another reader on here) missed that completely, so it might not just be you. I will have think about ways to clarify that.
Thanks for some fresh eyes on this one, K.D., and welcome to the boards. Looks like you are a horror guy, too, so let me know if you put something up of your own so I can check it out.
You might be surprised, but that happens alot, particularly on the horror scripts.
Nobody expects a girl to be lurking around the spooky stuff -- but I think it's great -- and oddly enough, some of our best, creepy stuff comes from the girls we've got.
Thanks again for some really insightful thoughts on this. Now go write something creepy and post it!
Just read this on the way home from work. Really enjoyed it.
I liked how you introduced all the characters. The dialogue for the cop was very well written, wish he had a bigger part to be honest. (ooh err missus)
The only thing I was a bit unclear about was the guy at the start who drops the wreck off. I guess that sort of mystery is good though for a story like this.
It was pretty easy to visualise how this would look on screen while reading it. Think it would look great -- gorey -- but still great.
I didn't really see what the guy had done to deserve this though, I mean his line of -- "How could I know?" ? -- I didn't really get that. Clearly they're not alive anymore so I don't really know what he's referring to.
Hey, Ste. Thanks for digging this one out of the pile, but sorry it came across as so confusing. It is meant to be a fairly simple tale. Perhaps you were expecting something more?
Quoted from Ste
I was a bit unclear about was the guy at the start who drops the wreck off.....I didn't really see what the guy had done to deserve this though, I mean his line of -- "How could I know?" -- I didn't really get that.
The guy who drops off the car -- the "driver" -- is the same guy all the way through. Donnie, selling faulty used parts, is responsible for the driver’s death and that of his family. There is nothing too deep here, but then, it is not meant to be.
Thanks for the look, though, and for taking the time to drop a few comments. I really need to take a gander at some of your stuff (outside of SoulShadows) when I get the chance. You need to slow down and give people a chance to catch up haha.
Yeah -- George called me on that, too. He had to die because -- well, that is just the price one must pay for serving as a minor character in a horror story.
that's the way I look at it. I try to write all my characters as real people. Real shit happens to real people. If you wanna play, you gotta pay. or am I just drunk and not making sense here?
anyway, I'm not really good with reviews when it comes to something I liked. I didn't really spot anything wrong here so I guess thats good. It was pretty creepy, as if it could've been something on an episode of Tales from the Crip. Dialogue nice, characters decriptions nice. You can really tell us a lot about these people quickly, like when Donnie is about to jack off to the smut online. Plus, what he did here, he's a total scumball and deserved his fate. And the violence was fine. I'd prefer a "SQUISHING" sound at the end but that's just me.
So yeah that's it. I'll probably be reading Elevin Surprises tomorrow when I get time.
If you wanna play, you gotta pay. or am I just drunk and not making sense here?
Hey, hasn't somebody told you about the rules regarding drinking and posting?
That's OK -- apparently lots of people ignore that particular edict.
I do like your logic, though -- even if it is only the horror fans that can see the beauty in its simplicity.
Quoted from slabstaa
...it could've been something on an episode of Tales from the Crypt...
Well, it was supposed to be like an old horror comic -- but then, that show was based on old horror comics -- so by that circular logic I suppose it works.
Thanks for the recent looks, and I really appreciate your taking the time to post some comments. I cannot seem to find anything of yours on these boards -- but perhaps I am not looking in the right places. Thanks again, and drop me a PM if you've got something hidden on these boards somewhere.
Nice and creepy little tale. Very well done with great visual descriptions and a smooth read. Can tell you 'get it' when it comes to screenwriting.
Always like to read someone who can take a simple story and bring it to life in an interesting way.
**SPOLIERS**
Honestly, I'm not a big fan of excessive gore but the way you described it was well thought out and effective in the context of the story. Not just a mindless attempt to gross out the audience.
Personally I enjoy the more 'Hitchcock' type of implied violence without actually seeing the carnage. You did have elements of this like 'Donnie cutting through the car roof' (excellent and frightening) and the very end where only 'the sound of Donnie's death is presented'. Well done.
Only complaint I could find was that Donnie seemed more like an innocent victim. Maybe I missed it but never got the feeling that Donnie, or the junkyard itself, was deliberately selling faulty parts. No biggie though. Got the gist of it at the end.
Noticed that you sometimes search out the works of people who have given you feedback. Unfortunately, I don't have anything posted here (except for the latest OWC entry). Mostly I've done features which aren't that enjoyable to read off a computer screen. However, I'm starting to write some shorts as well. They are much easier to get feedback on and I think they are a good exercise that keep you writing during the downtimes of working on a complex feature.
Once again, enjoyed it. Good luck with all your writing.
Hey, thanks for looking, Moroh. And welcome to the boards. I have noticed you dropping some good comments on the OWC scripts -- unlike several of our other new additions, unfortunately.
But in those cases, you will find that once the names are revealed, nobody is much interested in anything they write from here on out. But I digress.
Quoted from Moroh
Personally I enjoy the more 'Hitchcock' type of implied violence without actually seeing the carnage.
Actually, I prefer that, too. Although I write mostly horror, this is my only real "blood and guts" script. Kind of an experiment, and kind of pandering to the audience around here. But it was fun. Thanks for letting me know you liked it. And one of these days I will try to make Donnie a bit more "guilty".
Quoted from Moroh
I noticed that you sometimes search out the works of people who have given you feedback.
Indeed, that is about all I read -- that, and authors I know well. Some people gripe and say that is kind of selfish -- "share the love" or some similar B.S. -- but I say that those are the authors I most want to read.
If you get praised -- or panned (it happens) -- I would think you would want to know where your critic is coming from as another writer. What you find in their own writing often helps to reinforce or temper their comments.
That's the way I've always looked at it, anyway. But I digress again haha.
Thanks again for taking a moment to drop some thoughts. And yeah, I will be curious about your OWC once Don puts the names up.
Well your stuff is pretty good man. I don't really have a problem with your writing but I have noticed that you do something that I don't usually prefer (I noticed it more while reading Eleven Surprises - and at the moment, I am reading that and Think of me and I'll be there). But I'll get into all that once I finish the scripts and post whatever thoughts I have.
I'll follow Wonka's suit here and give this one a look see. I can't resist any car centric story, prolly goes back to reading "Christine" in grade school. Donnie reminded me of a modern day Darnell a little bit actually. No stogie though. This definitely invokes E.C. comics to good effect and I'm a fan of them. I would have liked some more acerbic banter with Kimber over the phone. Some mention of another disgruntled customer harassing Donnie, etc. Donnie proclaiming he's an "honest businessman" to Kimber's indifference. It makes the bloody rusty revenge all the more savory.
I did catch on a few pages before the reveal what was happening. However, I didn't care because the ride is very entertaining. Fine read, Bert. Another keeper.
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Hi Bert i just finish reading your story and here is my review.
I have to admit I was a little lost with your story when first viewing it but then as I took a quick glance looking back on it I have come to the conclusion that this story is pretty good man. Its very interesting to see the allegory here with the Driver wanting salvage body parts at a salvage car place.
So with this said. From 1-10 I give it 8.5 to a 9.
I have to admit I was a little lost with your story when first viewing it but then as I took a quick glance looking back on it I have come to the conclusion that this story is pretty good man. Its very interesting to see the allegory here with the Driver wanting salvage body parts at a salvage car place.
So with this said. From 1-10 I give it 8.5 to a 9.
Well, I suppose I will take that score. Thank you for looking it over, VaP, and for taking the time to share your thoughts. It is very much appreciated.
If you happen to pass back by this thread, please drop me a note about "The Ill" -- we'll see what we can do about opening that thread back up and maybe cleaning it out a bit.
Bert, you old dog you! Saw this up high, and thought to myself that I've never read "old" Bert, so I jumped in.
Story-wise, I really like it. You tied everything up nicely with the Junkyard's tagline, "Used parts, good as new". Very well thought out.
The actual movement of the script was a little uneven for me, but I think that's due to the style you were writing in back then (or maybe still now? Not sure). What I mean is that you tend to over describe pretty much everything, in terms of details that nobody needs to know. I'd say you probably have close to an extra page here because of it.
Writing-wise, I found some issues. I was a little surprised how passive this is in many parts. You know I personally don't like that, and it really stands out here. I think your Slugs need some attention as well. In places you seem to use a hybrid full Slug/Mini Slug combo. But, the biggest silliest error of all, has to be on the top of Page 5, and I'm literally shocked you haven't fixed it after all these years.
Your Slug reads, "INT. A POLICEMAN AT HIS DESK". HUH? Almost seems to be a joke or something.
Anyways, all kidding aside, this is a well put together little horror script. It's got a great Tales from the Crypt-like vibe and I can see it working well with a few other similar stories, linked together as an hour long anthology or the like.
It's nice to see old scripts back up at the top of the heap, isn't it? Take care.
Hey, Jeff. Always nice to find one that escaped pretty much unscathed.
Quoted from Dreamscale
I've never read "old" Bert...you tend to over describe pretty much everything, in terms of details that nobody needs to know..I was a little surprised how passive this is in many parts.
I suspect we'll never see eye-to-eye on that first part -- but that second part is certainly something I am working to overcome, and many of my early works do suffer from it.
Are you kidding me? I really wrote that? Haha...man, it has been a few years since I looked this one over for sure if that is still in there. I need to go see that for myself.
It's got a great Tales from the Crypt-like vibe and I can see it working well with a few other similar stories, linked together as an hour long anthology or the like.
Yep, that is exactly what it is supposed to be, so good to know you see it that way. And you are right that some of the old stuff has been bobbing up lately, which is cool, and this one does it more than most of my others, I think.
Thanks for the time and thoughts, Jeff. Glad to hear that it worked.
You're probably right, about our differing views on over describing, or just details that don't pertain to the story, in general.
Don't get me wrong, it's obviously a personal decision we all make, but in this script, I definitely noticed alot that didn't need to be there, and probably shouldn't be there, but hey, we're talking about 6 years ago or so, right?
One thing I didn't bring up, that I wanted to, has to do with a typo on Page 8, that really threw me off until I just reread it now and figured out that it was indeed a typo. In the workshed, you used the word "truck" instead of "trunk" and I had no clue how or why the truck got into the shed.
Isn't it amazing how things slip by after so many reads and feedback? Amazing.
I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love your writing style, Bert. Always invokes a horrish charm that I've only came across in old Stephen King short stories. (I like his new short stories, too, but they're different. They just don't have that same charm to me for some reason.)
Anyhow, I came across the poster for 'Salvage' on the Post Your Movies Poster thread and don't remember reading it, so I gave it a look.
Out of 600-something comments I've posted here on SS, I mention in at least 300 of them of not being a fan of supernatural happenings in stories anymore.
That is, unless it's handled well. And you've always handled it well in every story I've read of yours, and this one's no different.
This was a really great idea for a story, and, though gruesome (you know I'll never complain about that), it wasn't over the top or coming out of nowhere.
My favorite part of the whole story was the man in black describing the automobile as a meat grinder during the accident. Not only was it a scary metaphor that put an explicit image in my head, it's also very true. (That just might be my favorite metaphor ever.)
What the heck was with Kimber, though? I don't think he was very necessary in the script. Plus when the man in black ran him over, it took away some of the power and shock of the MIB going after Donnie. If you lose Kimber altogether, it'll make for a perfect story I think, plus, it'll get rid of that creepy 'INT - POLICEMAN AT A DESK' slug. I have no problem how people write their slugs, but I did laugh when I came across that one.
But another great story from one of my favorite writers. I'd love to read some prose from you someday if you have any. And, I think I said it before, I hope you get back to writing, and sooner rather than later. But I understand how life is. Sometimes there just isn't enough time.
Bert, you have a superb style of writing and a great sense of imagery for the settings, characters and such. The Rolling Stones hat on the driver is a great example of that. The simplicity of your dialogue is another key to why this story works so well. Not wooden, not professorial. Its goldilocks, just right.
I thought the story itself was about a 7 out of 10, and I agree with DS that this was ideal for Tales from the Crypt. Spooky, gory, with a nice touch of supernatural.
I'm glad this one was salvaged from the 2005 bin and thrown back on top of the pile. I liked the atmosphere you created with creepy Donny and his junk yard. Very King-ish, as several people mentioned. It evoked shades of Christine. The tow truck and driver sort of reminded me of Spielberg's old "Duel."
I loved the gory descriptions: "Wet shards of flesh dangle from the wound. The pulpy meat inside his skull throbs and writhes."
Now that paints a picture, alright.
When the tow truck first appeared, I thought for sure it was going to be "Grim Reaper" wrecker services, but nice job making it about the actual occupants of the car. The bastards just want a piece of Donny. Honestly, I thought you were going to take this angle even further. When you initially describe the junkyard, you mention how many of the wrecks have impacts on the windshields where heads struck them. If you think about it, many of those cars were the places of death for many souls. I suppose this is the idea I thought you were going to "flesh out." All the ghosts of all those crashes somehow rise from their rusty graves.
As someone else mentioned, I'm not sure if Kimber is even necessary to the story. He seems to be "cannon fodder", existing simply to be killed.
But good job on this one. I can see it being filmed by a creative director.
Thank Mark for digging up your oldie here. He did the same with one of mine. I remember you mentioning this one once. Since its up, I gave it a read.
I love the set up of this. Mysterious guy dumps of a mangled car full of dead bodies. I gues I would've liked a bit more motivation for this family to come back. I wanted to hate Donnie so I could thoroughly enjoy his demise.
In your script he's just a foul mouthed guy who watches porn on his PC. Heh, that's me! I like me. I wished Donnie had knowingly sold them a bad part which lead to their crash.
Also, The father killing the innocent cop seemed a bit much. I want to cheer for them to get their revenge.
On the plus side, Great visuals as always. That scene with the mangled dog trying to chew its way through the upholstery could make people cringe in their seats.
One notable mistake.. I believe you describe the sound of the trucks engine running at idle and then you have him start it before he drives off.
Good dialogue throughout. Glad it popped up and I read it.
I am always amused by your comments, Mark, and appreciate the sentiments. I have often thought about tackling a prose piece, but am not sure I possess the patience for it.
Quoted from Mark
What the heck was with Kimber, though? I don't think he was very necessary in the script.
What? But, his role is crucial to the piece! I mean, just look at what Ryan had to say...
I'm not sure if Kimber is even necessary to the story. He seems to be "cannon fodder", existing simply to be killed.
Hmm. OK. Bad example. Never mind. At the time it seemed to me that an upstanding guy like Donnie would call the cops -- but honestly, yeah, Kimber is really just there to get squished.
And to supply one of the stupidest sluglines I have ever written, of course. I need to think about both of those.
The simplicity of your dialogue is another key plus to why this story works so well. Not wooden, not professorial. Its goldilocks, just right.
Thanks for that, for sure. I really struggle with dialogue. Some folks around here have a real gift for it, but I wrestle with it nearly every time. Nice that it worked for someone.
Quoted from Jwent
...just a foul mouthed guy who watches porn on his PC. Heh, that's me!
No response for that. I just like it haha. I will check out the error with the truck, James. Sounds like a nice catch there.
When you initially describe the junkyard...if you think about it, many of those cars were the places of death for many souls...I suppose this is the idea I thought you were going to "flesh out." All the ghosts of all those crashes somehow rise from their rusty graves.
Your instincts are good, and this is exactly where I started. The idea came to me in a junkyard. I had found a photo album in the trunk of a car, unclaimed -- and from the looks of the car, pretty obvious the photos never would be claimed. I was looking at an album of dead people. While "Salvage" is the story that actually evolved, there could be numerous spins on the same general idea, for sure.
TheSecond up there kind of nailed the tone I was going for, with a Tales from the Crypt kind of thing, but I will always take the compliment when somebody mentions King in the same breath as my work. I hardly think I'm worthy, but it certainly feels good -- and if I have a goal for someday, it would probably be to come within a mile of that guy.
Thanks again, you guys, for all the comments and thoughts to consider. A nice surprise to find these, for sure.
If you would of inserted AC/DC's 'Back Seat Rhythm' somewhere in the script then I would of also tipped my hat to the Stephen Kingness of the script...
If you would of inserted AC/DC's 'Back Seat Rhythm' somewhere in the script then I would of also tipped my hat to the Stephen Kingness of the script...
Hahaha....nice choice.
My personal soundtrack for this one, since we're talking music, actually draws on "No Quarter" from Led Zep.
It just seems like a really good song by which one might get chased through a junkyard by a demonic truck driver.
But everybody knows you don't dare mention songs in your spec....
I loved this! Great job! The only part I had to reread was the part with the dog...just confused me a bit. Loved the setting...Loved the end...Loved the Karma!
Thank you, pale yellow (and what is the significance of that?), for taking the time to check this out and for sharing your thoughts. Particularly as a new face on the boards, it is great to see you getting involved.
I will re-examine the section with the dog for clarity, as I am pretty sure I know exactly which segment you are referring to.
I would have responded sooner, but I had promised several reads on OWC entries, and figured if I did not allow myself to respond until my reading commitments were complete it would help to inspire me.
You have a OWC submission as well, do you not? I will be sure to give it a look once the names are revealed -- or feel free to shoot me a PM sooner if you would like. Thanks again.
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I am in awe of your writing style. This script, like "The Farm" is extremely well written. Wow!
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