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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Mr. Gloom Moderators: bert
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  Author    Mr. Gloom  (currently 4017 views)
aztec66k
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Oh man, I think i cracked a rib while reading the part of mr. gloom walking into a bank but someone beat him to it.  i dont know how u pictured it but heres how i did:
Mr. Gloom walks in with a crappy pull-over mask with two eye holes and a mouth hole.  he carries a ridiculously small .22 and looks rather unprofessional.  and the dread in his eyes when he realizes someone has taken it before he could.  

this would be a classic scene in a movie if presented properly.  nice job mike.
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Helio
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 9:07am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Quoted from Mike
"Is your story up here?  I'd like to read it."

No Mike, It is not in here. I've just written a synopsis of it and my character was type of guy that provoked bad luck to everybody he met.


My short scripts optioned:

The News (Australia)
The Soldier, the Child and the Dog (USA
Buck's Burger (Austria)
Hello, Mr. Einstein (Australia)
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Takeshi
Posted: March 31st, 2006, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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I read your script last night Mike and thought it was quite good. A lesser writer might have over played the run of bad luck buy letting it become repetitive, but you managed to mix the past with the present quite nicely. I also thought your use of voice over was effective.

SPOILERS

I knew fairly early on that that Mr Gloom was the Old Man, but I don't think that detracted from the story. I enjoyed the love interest and the way Mr. Gloom found his soul mate too. Well done.

And there were no typos.    
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

This was a cute story that had some big laughs.

I dunno bout the kids just sittin down with some old man who wants to tell em a story, I don't know many kids that would do that, well I guess I might but I'm a nut.

I think the strongest part of this script is the dialogue, which seems to always be your strong part, it reads very well and has a good tone to it.

I knew that the old man was gloom, but I don't think that you were really trying to keep it a secrect, this wasn't the usual suspects or anything.

The suicide stuff was probably the funniest part for me, how he couldn't even get that right

The end with the bird crap and him getting his hat taken by a bird was a great way to end it.

Good work

PS: Wasn't this getting made, I thought I read someplace that it was.


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Vaughn
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Just read, nice little story. As others have said, the old guy was always going to be Mr Gloom, but the rest of the story was good enough to compensate for that.

Couple of bits did make me smile, especially the bird stealing the wig. Birds stealing stuff just makes me laugh anyway. I'm weird.

Dialogue was good, after seeing so much poor nail-on-the-head stuff - dialogue like this is definitely a breath of fresh air.

Also, it's ATM, not ATM Machine. The M means Machine.



MZPtv - fiction never tasted so good! Join other aspiring writers in our
community dedicated to scripted original web fiction.
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Shelton
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,

Thanks for bringing this one back up from the depths, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  When I initially came up with the idea, I discovered that it would be the perfect story to experiment with voice overs.  I had read that using too many can make a script appear amateurish, but when done correctly they can prove quite useful.  Hopefully I fall into the latter category.

The descriptions in this one are a bit on the chunky side, but I've since rewritten them to help the story flow more.

This was going to be produced by Chris Harris, but he ended up having too many projects on his plate and it fell through.  There is still one other filmmaker working on it, but the current status of that is anybody's guess.

Vaughn,

Thanks for catching the ATM Machine thing.  I caught it in terms of PIN, but must have missed that one.

Thanks again.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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tomson
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Just listened to Mr. Gloom.

I really enjoyed it and I think they did a really good job with it. Almost sounded like a radio play. I might consider them for a few shorts.

I liked the story. Thought it was really nice, funny and cute too. Loved the ending.

Wasn't this supposed to be produced or am I not remembering correctly?

Pia
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Shelton
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 11:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey Pia,

Thanks for checking it out.  I think they did a great job with it too.

This is currently in the production slate with a filmmaker here in Chicago.  He's had a couple issues with losing his lighting kit to the new Batman movie, but other than that it's still on pace.


Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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