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Oh man, I think i cracked a rib while reading the part of mr. gloom walking into a bank but someone beat him to it. i dont know how u pictured it but heres how i did: Mr. Gloom walks in with a crappy pull-over mask with two eye holes and a mouth hole. he carries a ridiculously small .22 and looks rather unprofessional. and the dread in his eyes when he realizes someone has taken it before he could.
this would be a classic scene in a movie if presented properly. nice job mike.
I read your script last night Mike and thought it was quite good. A lesser writer might have over played the run of bad luck buy letting it become repetitive, but you managed to mix the past with the present quite nicely. I also thought your use of voice over was effective.
SPOILERS
I knew fairly early on that that Mr Gloom was the Old Man, but I don't think that detracted from the story. I enjoyed the love interest and the way Mr. Gloom found his soul mate too. Well done.
I dunno bout the kids just sittin down with some old man who wants to tell em a story, I don't know many kids that would do that, well I guess I might but I'm a nut.
I think the strongest part of this script is the dialogue, which seems to always be your strong part, it reads very well and has a good tone to it.
I knew that the old man was gloom, but I don't think that you were really trying to keep it a secrect, this wasn't the usual suspects or anything.
The suicide stuff was probably the funniest part for me, how he couldn't even get that right
The end with the bird crap and him getting his hat taken by a bird was a great way to end it.
Good work
PS: Wasn't this getting made, I thought I read someplace that it was.
Just read, nice little story. As others have said, the old guy was always going to be Mr Gloom, but the rest of the story was good enough to compensate for that.
Couple of bits did make me smile, especially the bird stealing the wig. Birds stealing stuff just makes me laugh anyway. I'm weird.
Dialogue was good, after seeing so much poor nail-on-the-head stuff - dialogue like this is definitely a breath of fresh air.
Also, it's ATM, not ATM Machine. The M means Machine.
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Thanks for bringing this one back up from the depths, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. When I initially came up with the idea, I discovered that it would be the perfect story to experiment with voice overs. I had read that using too many can make a script appear amateurish, but when done correctly they can prove quite useful. Hopefully I fall into the latter category.
The descriptions in this one are a bit on the chunky side, but I've since rewritten them to help the story flow more.
This was going to be produced by Chris Harris, but he ended up having too many projects on his plate and it fell through. There is still one other filmmaker working on it, but the current status of that is anybody's guess.
Vaughn,
Thanks for catching the ATM Machine thing. I caught it in terms of PIN, but must have missed that one.
Thanks for checking it out. I think they did a great job with it too.
This is currently in the production slate with a filmmaker here in Chicago. He's had a couple issues with losing his lighting kit to the new Batman movie, but other than that it's still on pace.