Well, this has an interesting title. I wondered what a mocking boy was. The answer was simple enough.

This was really cute. It was very funny in places and in the places where the story was just progressing, it was cute. You stuck with one of your strong suits here, which is writing about young pre-teens.

****SPOILERS****

When you first introduced Cowboy Chris, I didn’t know for sure if he was a kid or a man until his dialogue.

P10 - The adults have their backs faced to the kids. - backs faced is awkward. You could just as easily say they have their backs to the kids.

Some of Chris’s lines were hilarious - his response to horse kid and explaining where the bathroom is.

The only thing I didn’t understand was Aaron passing out. I’m not sure why that happened. The Aaron character (and Terry too for that matter) is sort of stuck between being a hero and a villain. When Aaron speaks of beating Mark up, the sentiment is pretty acceptable and on screen might even be looked forward to. Only at the actual scene does Aaron really come off as a bully.

I think it would be better set up for events to come if Terry is a little more sympathetic to the Mark character earlier on. That would leave Aaron to be portrayed as a little more villainous and would make the ending a little smoother, I think. Terry seems to almost do a 180 with his feelings toward Mark at the end. And Terry, who obviously got along with Aaron, didn’t seem to care for Aaron at all after Aaron passed out. He was pretty buddy-buddy with him before.

None of those things detracted from the enjoyment. It was cute and funny and moved along nicely. Format, spelling, grammar, all that were non issues here. It was good stuff.

Brea

Hey Breanne, thanks for checking this out.

Quoted Text The only thing I didn’t understand was Aaron passing out. I’m not sure why that happened

To Aaron, Bobby was speaking in the first person, then Mark gets up and starts mocking him so it all kind of explodes all at once with Aaron's mind spinning and stuff.

Quoted Text I think it would be better set up for events to come if Terry is a little more sympathetic to the Mark character earlier on. That would leave Aaron to be portrayed as a little more villainous and would make the ending a little smoother, I think

Very right you are!  Making Terry a more neutral character would make alot more sense and establish Aaron as the clear jerk.  See, I'm glad you read this.  You're always bringing up criticisms that haven't been mentioned but are key to the success of the story.  Much appreciated, Breanne!  Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it

Hey Greg

Just took a look at this, I laughed a couple times.  I found Cowboy Chris' character to be most interesting.  I wish he had been the main character, the social workers' questions of his actions (toilet, spit on a kid) made me laugh.  I liked him, he was a jerk, but his humor helped me identify with him.  I think the character itself would be worthy of a full length screenplay, it's very commercial, I guy who runs a kid tourist attraction - who absolutely hates kids.  There'd be plenty to work with.

As for the mocking boy, he just annoyed me, much like a parrot.  AT first their cool/funny, but after a week you find yourself "accidently leaving all the windows in the house open and the cage unlocked.  

The only thing I felt was off, was the random fighting.  I had a hard time picturing adults just oblivous to the fight.  It may be funnier to have cowboy chris distracting the social workers from this absolutely massive fight, right behind them.  

I found myself unconerned with the kids, and just wondering what was going to happen to cowboy chris.  The only other feedback I had was, some of the kid characters all kinda melded together, as  i had a hard time keeping who was who straight in my head.  It could've been a function of how little room you had to work with, but it was something I was thinking of.

My two cents.  

Jake