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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Gold Fishes Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Gold Fishes  (currently 2528 views)
tomson
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, oh boy, oh boy Helio. I think your Tanuki's are in danger here. Are you sure you don't want to change the name of the neighbour and the AGE!

Anyways, here goes:

SPOILERS:

As usual I did find your story amusing and different. I like that.

1.   EXT. QUIET STREET - MORNING
It is a very quiet street. The sidewalks are lined with
trees.

There's no need to point out that it's a quiet street in the slug and skip the morning part too. (I know I've done it too)

2.    Hit the "enter" button one more time between each description, it's too bunched up.

3.    "Shortsighted" �, possible language thing, but I think you meant nearsighted, very different meaning.

4.   EXT. NEIGHBOR HOME'S - CONT.
No need to put CON'T since we haven't been there yet.

5.    Ditto #4 for the EXT. VAN

6.    INT. OLD HOUSE - CONT.  Ditto.

7.    The Montage you probably did OK, but you could probably get away with just stating what we see (and I don't mean a "wee see thing). The A..B..C.. thing seems old way, but I could be wrong.

8.    Tsunami,  good hint at what's to come.

9.    Louis is banging a nail into the wall...
       THUD! THUD! THUD... I'm glad you're using sound, but when I drive a nail into a      
       wall it's more like BANG! BANG! BANG!    

10.   I liked the ending, but the part with the medicine, might get you in trouble.

I like your ideas, but you need to get a little more clear in the telling of your stories. I know that's hard, I really do, but you have something that a lot of people don't which is, a uniqueness.

Never give up,
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Helio
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Yeah, you are a very cool person, girl! Thanks. I'll do the changes in the new version of it!

About the lady's name it was my homage to someone! Unfortunately, it will be out  in the new version for others reasons.

Thanks for uniqueness!
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tomson
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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You just don't know women enough.
If you had put the age at 25, you'd be a hero, but 60, yikes!
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Helio
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Yeah girl, I was in danger! My new version will save me!
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I_M
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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This is a cool script!

I thought there were going to be actual gold fishes, but I guess not. This story is really creative and I was wondering what happened.

Spoilers!

When I found out he was now in that painting, I was suprised.

Cool script. Keep on writing.

E.T.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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George Willson
Posted: February 22nd, 2006, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Helio, well done. I've decided to inflate your ego a little more by saying the piece was very concise and well put together. As mentioned, it's very much in the vein of the Twilight Zone and such in that it ends a little on the bizarre side. Personally, I think your character had too many unnecessary lines. "This is the place" is unnecessary to being with as it is obviously the place when he gets out in front of the place. Careful about making the characters talk too much.

Other than that. Well done.


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Kevan
Posted: February 23rd, 2006, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Helio

Excellent story, I can see you are having fun with a surreal story and using Breanne in the story makes reference and homage to the surrealism in her work.. Well done..

Considering you are Brazilian and Portuguese is your first language you're English is amazing..

There's some formatting errors and spacing issues but apart from that this is a very good short screenplay that could be entered into competition..

Increase the page count to 10 pages and you'll be on to a winner..

If you'd like help with the formatting then email me privately my friend and  I'll help you..

Kevan..
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Helio
Posted: February 24th, 2006, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Nice to hear these kind words from Kevan. Thanks a lot about a help. I did a new version of it and co-wrote it with a guy that would be a surprise to all. Let's it arrives and depending on you will think about it I'll ask a little help.

I'm felling very happy with all these nice comments and helpful criticisms from averybody in the SS aboput my scripts not to mention the fact that sometime I found myself kiding and joking just to see all people here happy and laughing a lot.

Thanks my friend and doesn't matter what will happen in the world cup, I know that the final will be great!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 25th, 2009, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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I don’t believe this. This script was originally uploaded on February 17th, 2006, and I just stumbled across it today.

Well, well, well, Helio, 60???!!!! And you put me in a dowdy dress on top of it????!!!!!

I swear vengeance upon you Helio you dirty dog!!!! That’s it. The next script I write is going to have a character named Helio and he’s going to be an embarrassing son of a bitch!!! I’m going to humiliate him so badly! And to think I was looking you up because I missed you.

I’m only teasing with you Helio. This script is insane of course. I didn’t expect anything with the name Helio J. Cordeiro on it to be sane (although you have occasionally written things that were relatively sane).

Anyway, sorry everyone for resurrecting such an old thread but I wanted to let Helio know that time has caught up with him and I will get even with him by the power of the pen -- haha.


Breanne



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Colkurtz8
Posted: January 26th, 2009, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Helio

Interesting piece here to say the least.

I gather English is not your first language so well done on being able to write something like this. With that in mind I have pointed out some grammatical errors, formatting issues etc. All in the aim of helping you of course.

"BREANNE" -- names should only be capitillised in the descriptive when first seen.

"POV of Louis" -- Should be Louis P.O,V. The way you have it phrased suggests we are looking AT Louis, not through his eyes.


"Scenes of latest the Tsunami are showing on the screen." -- Take out the "the" before Tsunami.

I can't see how "Dogglebe" & "Spencerforhire" found this predictable, thats the last thing I would level at it.

I mean maybe its just me but I don't read too many scripts or see too many films where people become part of a picture because they hammered a nail into a wall...again maybe its just me.

But yeah this was a strange little one, I enjoyed it for what it was though I have a lot of questions, such as WTF is up with the house -- possessed, haunted??

A bit of tightening up on your grammer & prose and you will have an intriguing piece of surrealism here. Keep it up.

Col.


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Helio
Posted: January 31st, 2009, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Brea!!!!! My goddess! I don’t believe you have been exhumed this short! I came to here because I thought it had a same tittle of my short - haha My god!

Brea Really this Helio is a **** He deserves you name him he is an "embarrassing son of a b****!" hahahahah!

"Anyway, sorry everyone for resurrecting such an old thread but I wanted to let Helio know that time has caught up with him and I will get even with him by the power of the pen -- haha.

You are a love woman, Brea, and and a great SS colleague I have ever!

I've out of this discussion board for a long time, because lot of things happened to me in between. I'm very sorry about that, please forgive me. I swear that I wasn't in the sanatoria, believe me.

Col, thanks so much dear colleague for your kind words and criticism. Don’t listen to them, I’m an old sane man, really I’m. hahahaha!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: February 4th, 2009, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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I'm glad Breanne dug this up because I hadn't seen it either.

Helio, did you ever post the new draft?

Either way, this was pretty neat. I felt like I had been watching the Twilight Zone.

I felt it had a comedic ending though. I thought it felt off.

I think to give it more of a shock at the end like the Twilight Zone, you could have his screams being overpowered by noise coming from the television. ???

Anyway,
I thought it was a good read.  
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Helio
Posted: February 6th, 2009, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hello, Cindy! Nice to see you reading my stuffs again.  I'm sorry but I've been so buzy with my short tales.

Thanks a lot for you comments, my dear.

cheers
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