Good job on this one, bert.  

SPOILERS

You managed to tell a scary tale in an ordinary and trival arena. I liked how the inoffensive stuff (i.e. doll) becomes a scaring threat to this kid.

I have mixed feelings about the ending, though. I liked that this ended on a dark tone giving the feeling that the nightmare is not over for this kid.

But I felt that you strayed away from the very thing that made this tale scary: the kid sees some nasty stuff which would scare anyone. But what´s interesting here is that the kid´s mom  doesn´t believe him because he´s a kid. It´s a desperate situation for him, and for us the audience, because during this tale we are the kid. We could get killed in this friggin place and nobody believes us!

I guess this is why psycho mom didn´t scare me as much as the previous scenes. The car scene would have scared me more if spiderman made something creepy, while an oblivious mom kept driving.

Anyways, Mom´s last line felt a little bit on-the-nose, I guess there´s no need to have her tell us what she is going to do. By telling Gerald he miss behaved while showing her pointed teeth, we get the picture I think.

Despite this little thing at the end, I really enjoyed this.

Bert, you're probably gonna hate me after this.

Quiet honestly this didn't work for me.  By the ending I had questions that left me baffled.  Was this all just a living nightmare?  Was this kid psychologically insane?  Was he seeing things?  What was real and what wasn't?  I think Abe made some good points of having the Spiderman doll saying some twisted things which would have really added onto the story.

The kid's dillusions of the woman and clerk show the nightmarish state that the child is in, but I think the doll saying twisted things would give it more of a creepy Twilight Zone-y feel.  Did you ever see that episode where the girl's doll makes death threats to her stepdad?  I guess what I'm proposing may be too much like that, but it's just a thought.

The woman transforming into a warthog, the sticker-syringe, and the guy in the clothing rack pretty well demonstrate how this kid may be screwy, but I was just hoping for more.  Something a little more in your face would have been nicer, but maybe that's just my style of liking.  I glanced over the other comments and noticed that you wanted a low budget horror short.  I think you could do some very special things with this piece and I wish you luck, but as a script I think it would also work nicely as a feature.  Yeah, I know I also said that with Starbuck Starr, but I guess it's just the style of writing you have where you create these stories that can go so far beyond the given page length.

So it's a nice piece of writing but it just didn't work for me like some of your other pieces have.  But I guess one mediocre review out of 10 isn't half bad at all.

To both Greg and Z -- I am surprised I didn't get more comments about that final scene.  It just doesn't have the impact "on the page" as what I am seeing played out in my mind's eye -- and I sensed that on my own before I even sent this in.

I think it was Abe who mentioned that "wanna see something really scary?" scene from Twilight Zone -- and this is supposed to play out like that -- real fast -- boom, cut to black.

I still think it could be effective, but everybody seems to think that the doll could be put to better use.  I'll have to think more on that.

Thanks for the comments, guys, and some stuff to consider.

So you’re saying that you-know-who is causing the decay of society? And that only Spiderman can save us? Did I get it?

Hey Bert,

Of course, I had to read this one after what you said in the WIP thread. You’re mad! Mad! You have a thing about scaring children, don’t you? -- haha.

No, seriously, I see what you’re doing with the child. It’s so very frightening to be alone in public when you’re a child. The imagination can run pretty far amok. The feeling of being lost is a curious feeling. A feeling of utter chaos and unpredictability. The words family,  familiar, and even fame for that matter, all share roots. This poor child has lost all sense of familiarity and all stability. You symbolize that chaos and unpredictability with a series of visions that are randomly horrific. Ahh, symbolism. It’s like sweet music to my demented mind.

I was inclined for a moment to wonder if the comparison of the runaway shopping cart to an epileptic seizure wasn’t symbolic of Gerald’s condition being seizures of some sort.

You, of course, write very well. Great wording and phrasing as usual. Your casual exposition worked here, mostly due to your keeping it aimed at the scenes between the “episodes.” There were a few times in The Farm where I felt like it pulled the reader from the horror of the scene (and I would reinforce my point with Simply Noir where that same casual exposition worked brilliantly in the comedy genre). I think it works here because it seemed more strategically placed, leaving the horror scenes to do what they are supposed to do -- be unmitigated horror.

I like the sticker. That would definitely send a kid screaming.

I actually like the fact that Spiderman pretty much acts like a toy and never really directly torments the boy. It’s kind of like a security blanket. A constant. The one thing that is never corrupted. But sadly, it is ultimately unable to provide the comfort and stability the boy needs.

One gripe - how dare you put women’s skirts and blouses on wire hangers? -- haha.

I enjoyed it, Bert. The only suggestions I could really make are:

1) the car seat -- probably too old for it. Maybe just buckle him in.

2) the line from the mother about being naughty -- not keen on the word naughty. I know some parents use it but I don’t hear it too often from a parent when angry. Maybe something about misbehaving or being a bad boy.

3) the mother’s final line -- I would really like to see it tie into the story in some way. The story isn’t really about death. It’s more about fear. Gerald doesn’t seem to be struggling with death, but with fear associated with being lost with no direction, nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide, nowhere safe to go. Maybe she can say something that pertains to that end.

Or you could go for the joke and have her say, “Next time, we’re going to K-Mart!” -- hahaha!

Listen, Spider Boy, that's my face when I'm reading Mike Myers' shtuff!  Usually everything else is in the blue.

Oh my goodness. I could picture this flawlessly since I do pretty much all my shopping at "All-Mart". I can see you've received tons of comments, and I really was just reading for fun here.

My only comment was regarding the end. I know this is a horror short and they're supposed to end a certain way, but Mom is supposed to be the security blanket. Mom is not supposed to scare the kid, much less kill him. I also have a thing against killing children in stories. I avoid it like the plague.

Anyway, it would be more fun in my opinion if Mom assures the son he is safe, and then Spiderman takes out mom first. Now his security is gone.

My ramblings. I got a kick out of it anyway. Well done.

Very good, bert.  For a ten page script, it had a lot of information packed into it.  I personally liked the ending.  Very rare to have the kid die for a conclusion and I liked it (does that make me insane?).  I really can't say I have any complaints.

Excellent piece or writing.  

Bert,

Another quick go-around for me.

Based on what you've set up and what you've told us, I think that Gerald should be the one to stray from mom.
Maybe mom is pushing the cart and Gerald is behind her, carrying Spider Man, when... Psss, hey kid, this way.
He's distracted.  He turns down an aisle.  And as he follows the voice (or voices), the dolls turn their heads.
Now Gerald is being lured into a maze.  Down this aisle, around that corner... pretty soon, he's lost. Which way out?    Kids do stray from moms.  

Also, if it's Gerald's fault he gets separated from mom, we can't blame her.  She would never walk away from her son.

Oooh.   A weird thought hit me.  What if we never see Mom's face.  We see her hand, her dress, her shoes, but never her face.  Until the end.  TZ -  The Eye of the Beholder.

Gerald's the freak.

But that's another tale, for another day.

Write on.

Oops.  Forgot something.

If the ending is a QUICK cut to black, I don't want to see mom lunge at Gerald.
Just the turning of her head and seeing her terrifying face is enough to give me chills.
Maybe as she turns, she unbuckles her seat belt.  We know what's coming.

Definitely no lunge for me.

Hey, Brea:  I was wondering if you saw that WIP blurb.  DiDM really was the spark that finally put some wheels on this idea, and your comments now are helpful as well.  The car seat -- check -- I actually know that -- I mean, I got kids -- and I have no idea what that car seat is doing there, quite frankly.  And your K-Mart line offers up a great new angle I had never even considered.

As for the wire hangers -- well, I needed that "rattle" that they give.  But after reading the grammar thread, it is certainly no stretch to imagine Brea marching around proclaiming, "No...wire...HANGERS!!"

That's a joke.  You know that, right?  And as for the rest of you guys -- the kid doesn't die -- we never see that -- and you are all acting like I killed him or something.

We simply learn that his nightmare is on-going -- that perhaps it will never end -- and that even his mother affords no protection.

Those ideas are where I was trying to draw the horror from, and I suppose that isn't coming through in that last scene -- largely because of what she says.  But this thread has given me plenty of options to consider -- which is what it's all about -- so thanks to all for your thoughts.

I like the idea of the mother walking off. True, it sticks out like an honest politician but it serves as a visual cue that something is very wrong in this universe.

This story defies convention, which I think is part of its purpose. I think it’s very interesting that some of the feedback has been to nudge the story back to a more comfortable place. It’s very sweet that reviewers want to comfort the boy in the story. It’s a testament to how effective this script is.

But the reasons for changing those aspects which make the reader uncomfortable are, I feel, the very reasons they should stay.

I do like the idea of the mother being faceless throughout. That’s another good cue that something is a bit off keel. I’m not sure about the cut before or after lunge thing. I see advantages/disadvantages either way. Hmmm…

Quoted from tomson Good to see you Breanne! I missed you!

Tomson, thanks. I haven’t been able to participate as much as I’d like. Shooting starts on a script I wrote this month and I’ve been doing a lot of rewrites. The page count isn’t matching up to the screen time on the test shots and I’ve been having to do a lot of rewrites. I’m trying to squeeze some shorts in until I can hit some features.

Quoted from bert Hey, Brea:  I was wondering if you saw that WIP blurb.  DiDM really was the spark that finally put some wheels on this idea,...

Yeah, I saw it. The narcissistic tendencies inherent of writers forced me to notice -- haha. I’m delighted that my work could inspire another writer. I may disappear into obscurity eventually but, who knows, maybe years from now some great and famous writer may be asked in a public forum who his influences were and may utter the words: “I was inspired by this really odd lady named Breanne Mattson.” -- haha! I would turn over in my grave and say, “D*mn. Now, I get some recognition!”

Quoted from bert As for the wire hangers -- well, I needed that "rattle" that they give.  But after reading the grammar thread, it is certainly no stretch to imagine Brea marching around proclaiming, "No...wire...HANGERS!!"

Hahaha! I’m bitch, ain’t I? I don’t mean to be. -- hehe.

I have to be honest. I rarely get scared when reading something. I opened All-Mart up excepting some dark humor. Having it be only a 5 year old really enhanced the script. Very well done.

I don't have a problem with the ending. I'm fine with it. But if you want to catch one LAST aspect of the whole walmart thing, you could have the mom leave the kid in the car alone to push a shopping cart that's blocking the car and while she's gone have spiderman peer out of the bag. But that's for a far more subtle ending. Everyone is going to have their own way for ending a story. That was yours and I think it works.

I'm not a fan of cliff hanger endings. But for a short it's acceptable. Especially a short with very vivid descriptions. Part of the magic to your script is how you word your descriptions. They are quick and rich.

I like how your leaving the question of whether Gerald is crazy or there's some messed up stuff going on in Walmart. Swithcing to his POV whenever some really scary stuff happens is a great technique to use. Especially when your going to let the audience debate his mental condition.

Again Bert, Great Job.

Another creepy short here, Bert. I like it a lot.

Great descriptive writing as usual. I've noticed recently you're developing a chattier style and I think it works well for this story. You really captured Gerald's terror as he wanders around in search of his mother. You have some great little horror vignettes with the freezer and the clerk and, of course, spiderman.

My one problem with this is that it lacks the killer ending I've come to expect from your shorts. The ending that's unexpected, but makes perfect sense given what has come before ala Salvage, Animal Magnetism, Paramour's. You don't quite pull it off here. I can see what you were going for with the mother turning evil and it could be quite shocking on screen, but I was expecting more of a punch. Something that tied in with the rest of the story. That said, I don't really have any suggestions, but there's definitely potential for a bigger shock here.

All in all it's a solid addition to your collection of horror shorts. Not my favourite, but you creeped me out all the same.

I loved the screenplay like all of your work I've read but I must say the ending is boring. It by itself isn't bad but with the story I was expecting the Spiderman doll to turn and wink at him. I understand why the ending is how it is and I can live with it because you're not writing Childs Play.

It's a quick read, almost over too fast leaving you wishing it was longer. Then the question why isn't it longer and was it all real or a dream inside the mind of a young boy?

Good job Bertrude