Bert
you are a very good writer and I could visualize everything perfectly but I don't really know if I liked it overal. Don't take my comments the wrong way but it seems that there's too much going on for a short. Maybe this is just my personal opinion but it seems like there's nothing wrapped up and even for a short that shouldn't be the case. We don't know if it was a nightmare kind of thing or if there really is something going on and he's the only one that can see it. And again, it seems the ending violated the rest of your script just for shock value. I didn't really understand how he was looking for his mom for safety at one minute and the next she goes crazy and tries to kill him. Did the boy lose his mind the minute he went into the store and then afterwards it's still continuing?

Anyway, sorry if I'm nitpicking. The script probably wasn't meant for that but it just seems that you did this as kind of a visualize excercise. Your writing is very, very, very good, probably one of the best on her which is why I enjoyed the farm and your western script but this one just didn't have the same impact. There's too much going on for such a short script and at the end I just felt 'wow that was well written but where was the story?" I think it would have been better if we knew that either the kid was either having a nightmare or for some reason he could see these terrible things that no one else could. The open ending doesn't really work on something so short.

So, good job on writing something that was so easy to visualize and did have it's scary moments but in my opinion it either needs expanding or tweaking to have impact on the story side.

-Matt

Quoted from thegardenstate89 Everyone is going to have their own way for ending a story.

Especially this one, apparently.

This one will definitely have to go back on the operating table at some point, but starting with the first comment from TDW2N on down, I now have about 15 alternate endings to work from.  Should be fun trying to mix and match.

Wesley wants one of his trademark winks, Brea's comedic approach is interesting (echoing Andrew's thoughts a bit), and looking back on this, sfpunk's comments regarding density (for lack of a better word) seem well-founded.

The diversity of opinions around here is just great -- a challenge to choose what will be taken on board or left behind -- but also a testament to the depth of creativity to be found on these boards.  Dipping back into this one with so much material to work from should be fun, so thanks to everyone for their thoughts.  

Bert I took an eye at it and, man. Sincerily...One more great piece from you!

Poor Gerald! How many unprotected Geralds around the world are suffering like him right now inside avery toy store, Mcs whrerever, running not from magic toys or silly dolls, but from real bad humans being!

Thanks for checking it out, Helio.

I am considering a few options for this in which things don't turn out quite so dismal for poor Gerald.

Dear Bert I think you wrote a type of subliminal message about how all Geralds were frightened by childhood fantasy. Fear of to be raped or be alone by their parents afraid of the Boogiemen. Neither their fathers nor mothers did anything to help them. These Geralds grew up with these “ghosts” so many became despotic ruling and are out there making war, beaten in woman, blacks and  homosexuals.

You maybe don’t know about what you short script says behind the lines!  

Just read this at breakfast and I must say it was quite enjoyable. (Even if my teeth were hurting because I just got these stupid bands on my braces!!!! Gah!)

It was a really quick read and it left me wanting more. One thing that you did that was sort of like me adding the pointless field to "Room 37" was at the end when Spider-man showed up in the car. All you did was showed it once and then it was never seen after that.

I could be wrong and its a needed thing, but it just seems to be a little pointless.

Overall, not a bad read. Another great horror script from you!

Keep it up,

-Landon/Chris (which ever.)

Thanks for reading a bit deeper, Helio.  There might not be quite as much there as you found (at least, not intentionally), but I did try to inject some deeper themes into this one, with varying degrees of success, I suppose.  I really appreciate your comments in regards to those aspects of the story.

Thanks to you, too, Landon.  To use a term I got from McDuff, the doll is supposed to "bookend" this story.  It is one of the first things we see, and then, one of the last things.  When I revisit this one later there might be a larger role for this doll.

(And sorry to hear about those braces.  Yeah...they suck pretty bad, but you'll be happy later.)

I decided to read this short after glancing over the comments on it.  I was intrigued.

I would love to see a short film made from this script. I didn't find it a horror. Just very odd. From the way I read the script,  I visualised it to be the same loopy style as that movie called Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas.

The little kid standing in front of a freezer door with the smiley picture drawn on the foggy glass was a powerful, vivid image.  The V added, turning the smile into a sneer was the icing on the cake.  

Thanks, tonkatough.  I really appreciate your comments, particularly this one:

Quoted from tonkatough ...the V added, turning the smile into a sneer...

You picked up on my singlemost favorite moment in the story, and nobody has mentioned it yet, I think.  (Past readers should try this on a sheet of paper if you didn't "get" it.) Perhaps reading it doesn't have the same impact as seeing it, but I just know it would look great.

Quoted from tonkatough ...the same loopy style as that movie called Fear and Loathing in Las Vagas.

I love this under-rated little movie.  Heckuva book, too.  Maybe I should add some bats....

Seriously, though -- a few readers have found the potential for comedy in this that I hadn't really considered.  But I am considering that now.

Quoted from bert   Maybe I should add some bats....

No need, we'll see them soon enough.  

Taking a little break from the exercise entries, so I figured I'd check this out since I'm way behind in my reading.

Nice job here, Bert.  I think you definitely accomplished your goal of creating a spooky script that can be done low, low budget.

SPOILERS

My favorite parts were the "sticker" and the smiley face on the cooler, but how about combining the two later on?  Maybe he's sitting in the car after seeing spidey and just before mom lunges, and he is wearing one of those yellow stickers with the "V" drawn on?

I don't know, just a random silly suggestion.  

Nice work.

Thanks for the look, Mike, and yet another alternate ending...

It's weird how virtually every reader wants to end this story in a different way.  I've never gotten that with any of my other stuff, and I just don't know what to make of it.

Either my own ending really, really isn't working --

-- or maybe no ending will ever work -- sheesh, what a horrible thought...

Now I'm all creeped out.  And now there's all these bats.  Thanks alot, Mike....

I found this one very interesting. It reminded me of Final Destination for some reason. I thought that what the kid was seeing could be in his mind, or a dream.

Thank you, ghost, for taking a moment to drop some thoughts on this one.

There could be a couple of things going on with this kid, and the general consensus I think is to lose at least some of the ambiguity.

This one needs a fix, but it's a real challenge deciding what to do.

Still thinking on it.  Thanks again for the look.

I had to read this after all the cameos it had in the one week challenge.

I actually found this to be really funny. His Moms final line was just hilarious.  I think that this could be done either way.  It could be a drak comedy, like a sketch on Mad T.V., or it could be an alright horror short, if you get a good enough director, wide enough aisles, and bright enough lights.

Quoted from Higgonaitor I had to read this after all the cameos it had in the one week challenge.

Really?  How cool.  Which ones?  I know about the "Stone Stupid" one, but would love to read the others.

I've been kinda' slow making my way through that list 'cause I'm sensing a lot of participation by inactive members -- it bugs me when they "play" -- getting tons of reads for no good reason -- but if they mention my store, then it's probably a story by an active member and I would love to check it out.

And you thought it was "hilarious", huh?  Sometimes I wonder about you, Higgs -- but thanks for your somewhat unique take on this story -- and actually, at this point I'm pretty sure a rewrite will incorporate a few more comic elements.