You weren’t kidding about having a look at this one, Kev.  It is interesting how sometimes your assessment of a given work can be longer than the work itself.  And thank you, too, Alien Man, for your thoughts on this one, residing at the opposite extreme, providing an amusing counterpoint.

Actually, Kev, I really appreciate your assessment here.  Without trying to sound overly pretentious, I was at least attempting to explore some deeper themes here -- issues of abandonment and the consumer mentality -- while also taking a few pointed jabs at one corporate entity in particular.  I might not have plumbed Jungian depths within these 10-odd pages, but it is nevertheless appreciated that you did see a little more going on beneath the surface.

How interesting that you should compare this to “Devil in D Minor”.  While that work is admittedly far superior to this one, the nightmare tone of that script provided much of the impetus for this story.  I’ve mentioned that before -- perhaps you saw it -- but I’ll just be happy and pretend that you arrived at that comparison independently.  Please don’t correct me if I’m wrong haha.

I am glad the ending works for you, as open-ended as it might be, though intentionally so.  The point was stripping away the last vestiges of security for this child -- not even his mother can be trusted to protect him from the horrors of the world around him -- trying to put an exclamation point on his utter helplessness.

But your points about justifying this conclusion earlier in the story are well-taken.  Making some of these events actual consequences as opposed to random events is an interesting idea that demands a little more consideration.  And looking over your notes, I can see how this might be accomplished without a great deal of revising.  Good thoughts there.

I still haven’t decided if I agree with you regarding the P.O.V.’s, however.  It is not something I utilize often -- and I do understand the arguments against it -- but here, I thought it was important to clearly differentiate between the world Gerald inhabits and the world he actually experiences.  These P.O.V. shots are used to make a nice, clean break between the two worlds -- which of these worlds is the “real” world is not the point -- be it both worlds, neither world, or something in between.  It’s the split between these worlds that is really important, and the P.O.V. is the tool for that.  But I'll think on it some more.

Anyways, I really appreciate your comments affording me the opportunity to chat about this story in a meaningful fashion, as I really was trying to stretch a little more with this one.  I wonder if anybody besides you will actually slog through these comments?

A rewrite is certainly in order, but down the road, as other projects are currently afforded a higher priority.  But you’ve certainly given me some things to work with, consider, and perhaps to utilize.  As I mentioned previously, I have been told there is a board member working to commit this story to film, and I will certainly want to see how that works out -- the good and the questionable -- before committing to major revisions on this one.

Thanks again, guys, for the reads and the opportunity to comment.

Quoted from Kevan Only naughty boys wander off and naughty boys will be published. So mark my words young man.

Not to detract from Kevan's awesome review, but this typo was too much to pass up. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. I'm not naughty enough.

Bert - as always, I *loved* your descriptions.  You have a smooth, lyrical way with words thats always a joy to read.

The atmospheric horror elements worked, making me squirm in my seat.  (My personal nighttmare is dolls...so there were portions of the script which made me cringe.)

I liked it...until the very end when the "horrors" turned out to be real.  For me, that caused the ending to fall flat.  I found myself wondering "why Gerald?"  Yes, I know that boogeymen rarely have cogent motives, and the ending works as a Twilight Zone type piece.  But if there could be some tie-in, or "getting his comeuppance" feeling to the ending, the whole story would gell perfectly - and I'd love it that much more!

Well, Kev -- you found a great deal more than even I had realized might be there.  Perhaps Jung’s collective unconscious was at work as I composed this.  A rewrite might certainly delve a little deeper into this “found mythology”, and I thank you again for some very interesting avenues to explore.  I probably will, in fact.

Quoted from George Willson ...this typo was too much to pass up.

Yeah, I laughed at that, too.  But I couldn’t bring myself to tease Kevan after such an erudite review.

I’m glad somebody did, though.

------------------------------------------------------

Wonkavite, thank you for the surprise read and your positive thoughts.  You are not alone in your disdain for the ending, but this --

Quoted from wonkavite I liked it...until the very end when the "horrors" turned out to be real...

-- is only one possibility.  The interpretation I have finally settled upon as my favorite is that Gerald is insane -- and his young life is composed of one terrifying episode after another.  Even his mother gives no comfort.  That is where I find the most horror, anyways.

But plenty of people feel as if this story needs a little something more.  I’m just gonna be patient and it will eventually come to me, I'm sure.  Thanks again for looking.

Hmm.  Not sure what to make of that read, Bert.  I mean, I was interested while reading it, but I guess I was hoping for a bigger payoff.  Not like a huge twist ending (because I hate twist endings), but something more satisfying than that.  To me, your ending read like you got to that point, didn't know how to end it, and just threw that ending on there.

Great imagery throughout though.  That would definitely be a scary/freaky piece to watch.

Somebody made mention in one of your other threads that you'd be suited more for novels and things like that....have you ever given thought to that?  

Like I said, it kept me interested, but in the end, that wasn't enough.  Also, while I was reading it, I couldn't help but think you were making some statement about Wal Mart itself.  Perhaps you were (with all the smiley face imagery), but if you're telling a horror story like that, it detracts away from it if you overload it with symbolism.  I don't know if that was your intent, I'm just telling you (especially in today's political climate) how it could be read.

That'll be quite enough out of you, Kevan.  Freudian slip, indeed....

Besides, I gotta talk to Matt now.

Quoted from dresseme To me, your ending read like you got to that point, didn't know how to end it, and just threw that ending on there.

No, I knew where I was going.  Doesn't mean it's any good, though haha.  Lots of people think it needs something better.

But I never begin a story without knowing how it will end.  I'm not one of those writers that can do that.  And I've considered novels, but it seems too huge, you know?  Maybe someday.  Scripts are just my favorite way to tell a story.

Quoted from dresseme ...I couldn't help but think you were making some statement about Wal Mart itself...with all the smiley face imagery...

Dude, I so was.  Kind of like, "So, what's really behind that smile, anyway?"  I think you might be the first to comment on it.  But maybe it does overload the story.  I'll think about that.

Thank you for taking the time to look and to speak your mind.

I was searching through the shorts section and saw this, read the premise, and thought it looked good. Fortunately, I was right.

This is a very creepy and entertaining piece of horror writing. Your format is good. In fact, my only complaint is that while it is entertaining and keeps you wondering "what the heck is going on" throughout the whole thing, the story seems to have no point.

There is no problem the character must overcome. No explanation given as to why the boy is crazy. As I said, there is no problem he has to overcome and no goal he is trying to achieve, so there is really no resolve to the story.

Anyway, apart from that, it's a creepy read and very entertaining.

Welcome to the boards, M.W.  Thanks for taking a look at my story, particularly being the first one you looked at.  You’ll find plenty of good reads around here if you look in the right places.

While I would disagree about the child’s goal -- which is to reunite with his mother and escape the store -- even though that doesn’t turn out so well -- I will have to concede your point that the resolution is not sufficient here for the majority of readers.

It’s probably the fundamental weakness of this story, this “lack of a point” haha.

Kevan raised some good points about fairy tale mythology a few posts back, and that is a missed opportunity I will likely exploit when I come back to this one -- once I have figured out what I really want it to say, you know?

I appreciate your looking and speaking your mind --- and welcome aboard.

I swear, usually I hate reading through descriptions, but you're one of the very few people who I actually enjoy reading their description.

anyways, this was a pretty cool short Bert. the only real problem with it is knowing if these things were supposed to be really happening or if they were all in his mind. But I assume you meant for it to be like that.

I think though you could make the motivations a little more apparent by setting something up in the beginning. I think Gerald should be lagging behind constantly or gettin ginto mischief and getting on his mother's nerves before he finds the spider man doll. I think we should get a little time with the mother before she disappears, cuz all the trippy stuff seemed to just start from out of nowhere.

But all in all, really good, weird, creepy stuff.

Quoted from Steve-Dave But I assume you meant for it to be like that.

Yeah, it was.

Thank you, Sry.  I really appreciate your compliments, and know they don’t come easy haha.

So you think there should be more of Mom, huh?  The earliest drafts of this actually had less.

You never saw more than her flowered skirt (until the very end), and that was all you had to recognize her by.  She was as anonymous as I could make her, but that device became unwieldy and I just kind of abandoned it.

I’ll think about that, as this story definitely has another draft in its future.  Thanks for adding to the idea mill, Sry.

Hello Bert!!

I really fancied a good read and I was very happy to find a top-quality piece by you, again.

I absolutely love the concept of "I can see this, but nobody else can" horror. I suppose it tapped into my love of Stephen King's "IT" - If only the adults could see what the kids saw...!! FAB.

Your story really plays with the reader's mind and it's this element that particularly appeals to me. I haven't read through all the replies here, as to be perfectly honest with you your work is always spot on in layout and grammar. What's more important is your story.

Excellent use of imagery here. You really nailed the descriptions to the point of making me get spooked out and I'm reading this whilst it's still daylight. The kid was very cute, bless the little freaked out 5 year old!! So young, so cruel, I love it!

As for All-Mart, I like how you made it evil, hahaha. I couldn't agree with you more, those big stores are. I think you successfully captured Gerald's point of view. I felt like I was the kid when reading it.

Excellent build up of tension and a quick pace too. Really, there's nothing to fault here or to draw attention to. This is one I wouldn't mind seeing a feature-length made for. I can almost imagine all kids, possibly all naughty kids having to suffer through the experience Gerald had, albeit it slightly different kid to kid. But, there being a deeper meaning behind or an obscure connection between them.

Anywho, now you have my mind racing with ideas, so mission accomplished.

Andy xxx

PS - EDIT - OK, so I read over the previous comments after I made mine. It seems some had gripes with your ending. I liked it as it is, but seeing as how you already have 15+ other suggestions, I tried to think up something that would have "shocked" me more or made me even more scared/spooked. I'll come back and add this in a sec. I just need a few minutes to get it straight in my head, lol!!

Ok, here's what I'm thinking would freak ME out more. And this isn't at all what I think others would like, and I don't think you need to change your ending. But, if you'd like to know my take, here it is -

Whilst Gerald and mum head back to the car, another car pulls up next to theirs. Gerald looks in and can hear another kid, roughly his age screaming and crying. Possibly you hear the kid shouting to it's mum/dad that it doesn't want to go into the store.

Then, Gerald looks over to two other small kids being forced into All-mart with an adult. They also look terrified, glancing over at Gerald, he is even more frightened, as it begins to dawn on him that something isn't right... I guess, what I'm trying to get at, is that the angle I'd put on this script, is that Gerald isn't crazy, but that the adults can't/don't see the terror the kids face whenever they go to the store. Could the real trick to the story be the "good message" that lies within? For the kids: Stay in the cart with mummy and be safe, or run wild and face the real terror.. Children should be heard and NOT seen... bwahahahahahaha....(damn, that sounded good, **steals it for future use** haha.

Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... when he goes back into the car, mum could turn around and say that cheeseball tagline I just came up with...??

Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!! I loved yours!!

Hey Andy!  What a pleasant surprise to find my creaky old story dredged up from the depths.  And nowadays, as you can find a McDonald's in every store, there might even be a place for an "IT" style creepy-ass clown in this story, you think?

But I am particularly drawn to your take on this story's conclusion:

Quoted from Andy Petrou Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!!

Bite your tongue, you marvelous Goonie!  I think your idea is brilliant!

What a marvelous hook to hang this story on.  It's exactly what it needs.

Happy children enter the store, but emerge as something else.  Gerald's terrified eyes meeting the wide, innocent eyes of another child on his way in.  Conformity.  Abuse of power.  There is so much there to play with, and all of it carries something deeper.

The details will need to be worked out, sure, but the foundation is certainly there.

Your idea is the best of anyone's, Andy    Flat out.  And I fully intend to use **coughcoughstealcough** it when I come back to fix this one up.

I'm not lying.  Thank you.

And it’s so nice to have you back, btw -- even if you do insist on maintaining the busiest signature in cyberspace.

Really? You liked it? Wow!! I feel like I won a prize or something!! haha  

Well, that tagline is rather funny/sick, I must admit. Something's clearly wrong with me...!! Well, if/when you come back to this, please let me know in case I miss it. I'd love to see any re-write of it!! You're one of my favourite writers and I'm glad I was finally able to offer something useful in one of my reviews.

Thanks, Bert  

PS - That is me with Gizmo in the avatar, kinda creepy, ain't I?!! LOL!

Hey,
I was poking through some of the boards and came across this one. Thought the coolest part by far was the smiley face turning into a frown on the foggy door. a lot of the story reminded me of The Shining in a modern setting.
I read the previous post and would agree that possible ending could work really well. Overall a good creepy read with a unique setting.