Thank you, n7, for your comments.

Quoted from n7 ...the coolest part by far was the smiley face turning into a frown on the foggy door.

That's my favorite part, too.  I actually thought of it before I found that little picture I put up on the first post -- but I was happy when it looked just like I'd hoped it would.

Quoted from n7 I read the previous post and would agree that possible ending could work really well.

I think so, too.  That Andy is a smart cookie.  But what is she saying in that avatar?

It looks like "boing....boing...boing...", but it's probably something else.



[Edit:  Hey!  75 posts!  Whee....]

Hey Bert,

I thought I had reviewed this one, I guess I didn't. i'vr read it before and re-read it again to get my memory refreshed. This is in so many ways like Pennywise the clown from King's It set in a new b.g. I loved it. Only a few problems:

Why not have the child speak earlier? Why wait to near the end? You should have the child cry out mom when he sees her far away. It'll inflict that horror better.

The mother's last line in the car should be changed. Rather than kill ya, it should be eat ya. Its more chilling.    


Hope these help,
Gabe

Hey, Gabe.  I was distracted by the "harsh review" thread I set up earlier and this slipped right under my radar.  Sorry for not acknowledging you earlier, but I thank you now for your thoughts on this.

Thanks for tossing S. King into the mix.  It always pleases me when he pops up on my threads, as I consider him grand company to keep.

I will think about more dialogue for the kid, but he is supposed to be pretty young, and sometimes it is difficult to coax too much out of them.  Something to think about, though.

As for the ending, when I come back to this someday, I am going with the fairy-tale angle provided by Kevan (RIP haha), and the ending I got from Andy.  You can find 'em both on the thread here if you are curious.  It should mix things up with this piece pretty well.

Thanks again.  I appreciate your looking.  

Hey Bert,

Let me guess - you're a Stephen King fan, right? Well, this certainly has IT elements (my fav SK book). I could easily imagine Pennywise lurking behind the clothes rack.

I thought this was very well written and the pacing was perfect. I like the short sentences you use - it makes it such a quick read. The way you described the transformation of the various things and persons worked really well. It had a certain natural fluidity to it.

But I didn't feel Gerald's fear until late in the show. Imo. you didn't really manage to convey his fear while he was running around from the old woman to the clerk. You focused a little too much on the transformations I think.

The end...hmm Idunno. I never saw it coming (which is not always a good thing). It kinda came out of the blue in my book. I thought that the Mart was the evil place, but now it turns out the evil is all around him. I don't mind that it didn't have a classic happy ending - cos' they kinda suck - but this ending was a bit of a letdown to me.

I think it could be a cruel twist if, when they get to the car, you have the mom look in the rearview mirror and she sees an evil version of Gerald. Maybe it's Gerald who's the evil one - maybe it runs in the family...well, just a suggestion.

Anyways - the ending aside - very good work.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Sniper Let me guess - you're a Stephen King fan, right?

Guilty as charged.  I love the guy -- as a writer and a person.  I predict that in 100 years people will be reading his stuff the same way they do Twain.

Quoted from Sniper …but this ending was a bit of a letdown to me.

You have no idea how many people hated this ending.  If you are, like, really bored, you can read through this thread and find maybe 15 alternate endings.  Almost every reader had one!

I really struggled with that aspect of this story -- there were almost too many ideas to wade through.

But I eventually settled on the one proposed by our dear Ms. Petrou:

Quoted from Andy Ok, that's cheesy as hell, but maybe Gerald could see a petrified youngster sitting in the cart, very orderly, head down, parent happy... instead of the innocent, noisy kids about to enter the evil store, running wild, parent's defeated already.... Yeah, now mine sounds very lame! Ignore my idea!!

So, yeah -- this one is also going under the knife at some point.  I really like the “going in and coming out” kind of thing -- very Pink Floyd the way I envision it.

But I am such a lazy bastard haha.  I’ll get to it.

Thanks again, Sniper, for the looks.  They are most appreciated.

Quoted from bert I predict that in 100 years people will be reading his stuff the same way they do Twain.

I hope so, SK has written some of the most memorable stories I've ever read. It's funny though, when people ask me what I read and I say Stephen King, most people go "Oh...", like it's not interlectual enough.

But I think most people who haven't read a Stephen King book just think it's all horror and gore. True, some of them are quite scary, but, to me, the horror elements always take a back seat to his portray of the characters in his books. Anyway, I'm rambling...

Andy's ending actually sounds pretty cool and I think it would tie in better with the rest of the story.

Rob

I enjoyed this quite a bit actually. I read the script started typing my comments before reading anyone else's feedback, so good to see I was right in thinking it was in not King inspired, then King influenced.

The visual ideas worked best of all, some of the individual stingers: the smiley face, the flash of the warthog woman, and the best of all , the idea of all the doll heads turning to look at the kid. That's the one image that lingers. That and the line "all the best toys are in here". That was genuinely creepy, a nice bit.

It can work on different levels, as a quick tongue in cheek horror, or as something more satirical with a bit of commentary. If people don't get or care for the commentary, they can still enjoy for the surface thrills.

My only issue, and it's not a huge one, is the ending. It's funny that poor Gerald escapes from one hell only to end up in an infinitely worse one ( poor kid never had a chance) , but it might work just as well - or better - to end on a creepier note, although I have no suggestions to what that might be. A few have been suggested above I see and may work. But it may work just as well to go back and build up the frustration of the mother a bit more, more of the simmering parent we do see in those stores, so when she turns to eat the poor kid, we see she's reached her breaking point.

But,kudos overall on a good read. Nice writing , short , punchy descriptions; a good idea well executed.

Hey Bert

This was really good, pleased I got a chance to read it. Gotta wonder what you were smoking when you came up with it though? haha

That poor kid. I couldn't help but laugh at the end though. In a good way though I think, just really wasn't expecting it and was feeling the same relief the kid felt that he had gotten out of it. Then what happens? That's just nasty man.

Top imaginative stuff fella

Ste

I really liked this script a lot. I just needed some closure. Why was the kid seeing these things. Side effects from medicine, dreaming, what was going on to cause this?

Hey, several looks here.  Thanks for reading, guys.

Quoted from mikep ...King influenced.

Yeah, I get that a lot.  But then, I don't deny it, either.  You could do worse.

Quoted from mikep It can work on different levels, as a quick tongue in cheek horror, or as something more satirical with a bit of commentary.

I am always glad when people see this one in that light.  I am still not sure how well I succeeded, but yes, it is supposed to be there, anyway.

Quoted from mikep My only issue...is the ending.

Haha...join the club.  The new alternate ending is buried somewhere in this thread.  And this story will see it one of these days when I feel so inclined.

Quoted from stebrown I couldn't help but laugh at the end though.

Well, that is not necessarily an inappropriate response.  A lot of times I find the dark stuff pretty funny, too.

Quoted from Pants I just needed some closure. Why was the kid seeing these things?

Not being a big fan of the ambiguous ending myself, I am still not completely sure why I wrote one.  Could be lots of things going on here, Pants, but my favorite explanation is that the kid is completely insane -- and he spends his entire life moving from one horrifying episode to the next.  That is actually kind of scary if you think about it.


Thanks again, guys.  I appreciate your thoughts on this one.

I think the insane angle makes sense, but it's never really talked about. A possible ending witht he mother trying to give the kid his pills and he has another vision of her coming at hime with knives or something would kind of tie things up.

I have to say, Bert, that while I'm not a big fan of the plot (or the open ending, necessarily), I felt you really hit the mark in certain instances.

(1) I enjoyed the images that you presented. I could picture not only every scene, but what angle the scene would be shot from. This is one of those rare scripts that, after reading it, I have a strong urge to go out and shoot it myself.

(2) I also appreciate that fact that, even though this was an obvious parallel to Wal-Mart, that you didn't pander or play with some form of corporation-hating subtext. So many people would have turned this script into a Walton-bashing message short, and, I don't think I need to highlight, that would have been extremely stupid.

(3) I actually got chills reading the dialogue between the Smoker and Gerald. Wow. Their was a certain eerie warmth, like a pedophile at the top of his game. What a creepy scene that would make for in the produced film.

My main concerns are (a) with the unexplained hallucinations, and (b) with the ugh-inducing ending.

(a) True, as I said before, these would make for some great images to film. But what is the reasoning behind them. You may be able to explain them to us, but if this were to be produced, I doubt you would be able to explain it to every audience who views it. Make this a stand-alone piece, without any side-comments of your own.

(b) The mother turns hideous too. The only problem is, before, every hallucination was easily seen as that, a hallucination. We were able to see what Gerald saw, and also what was really happening. But with the mother lunging at him, there is no "he's misinterpreted this and that." She lunges at him, and that is that. So... was the mother really a monster? Was she the one giving him the awakening nightmares? I think that some of the endings suggested by the readers before me would better compliment this interesting work.

Thanks for the submission. Again, the crisp creepy images you present really helped me the reader to envision each and every shot. Good work. Just try to clarify some of things others and I have mentioned, and you'll be set.

I could try and say something that hasn't been noted, but really all of it has been pointed out. Soo... i guess just go on and say i liked it a lot. Your descriptions in particular. I admire your talent.

The only thing was the ending, and there are many things that could be done. I imagine it'd be hard to choose just one. But if you're gonna sitck with this one...I personally don't like the im gonna kill ya line. Maybe ".. gonna eat ya.." or some silly thing. Something phrase that would frighten a child but not neccessarily an adult.

Heh...this script has been busy lately.  Thank you guys for taking a moment to drop some thoughts on this.

Quoted from Dr. McPhearson I could picture not only every scene, but what angle the scene would be shot from.

Boy, that is great to hear.  That is exactly what we strive for, isn't it?

Quoted from Dr. McPhearson I actually got chills reading the dialogue between the Smoker and Gerald. Wow. Their was a certain eerie warmth, like a pedophile at the top of his game. What a creepy scene that would make for in the produced film.

You know, I almost ended the script there -- with Gerald pulled into the rack of clothes -- and all that remained later was the Spiderman doll.  But I thought that was even worse than...

Quoted from Dr. McPhearson ...the ugh-inducing ending.  Make this a stand-alone piece, without any side-comments of your own.

Well, we just explain our work here because we can, you know?  But at this point, nobody is questioning that a more effective ending would help snap this one into shape.

But it is always good to hear that it worked for the most part.

Quoted from chomico The only thing was the ending, and there are many things that could be done. I imagine it'd be hard to choose just one.

Indeed.  And it seems my choice was something less than optimal.  But thanks you again for the kind words, guys, and for taking the time to let me know you liked it -- at least, up until those final shots haha.

Bert,

Well, I know you moderate these boards, and I may be late to the party, but here we go:

I decided to read something of yours 'cos I often find myself reading your posts thinking this guy is clearly knowledgeable, and yet you've never read his work - so here I am.

Great little script., I can identify with this - why? Well, when I was maybe 7 or 8, I recall being in a Woolworths (an English store, which is now no more) and I was looking at toys and I lost my Mum. I recall a fear, an utter fear that struck me. Of course, she found me and that was that; however, it wasn't. What truly stuck with me is how post-event, my Mum would reference how she would worry that some "evil man" would take me away, and I recall an older guy lurking around at that point. Now, this poor bloke was probably just innocently perusing toys for his kid, but in my young mind he represented fear and this videotape in my mind still unnerves me.

So, why do I tell you this? 'Cos I feel like you have perfectly captured the essence of what I had felt, and to a degree still do.

In terms of the story, I would personally have preferred a clear ending, and I felt a little dissatisfied 'cos I had become so involved with the story, and yet we have nothing concrete to cling to. However, I do like how you brought Spiderman into the story.

One final note - the writing was excellent (the best I have seen here), and will lead me into reading more of your work.

Andrew