I'm glad Andrew dug this old piece up, Bert.  Other than Tanis, which is brilliant, I had not read any other pieces of yours either.  I too loved the way you visualized the transformations, and the pacing was perfect.  It was such an easy read.  Just right.  I have gone back and read your reactions on this page, but I have not gone back and read the 15+ suggested endings, so I will give my own.  If anyone else said it before me, then good job on a great idea!

Anyway, I believe the mom should stay normal, and worried and doting.  Put him in the car seat, get in the front all loving-like, then say she got him a treat to make him feel better, and put the stuffed Spiderman in the back seat.  Then, as they go to pull out, the Spiderman turns and looks at him, with his Spider eyes looking evil.  The End.

I loved the script though.  Excellent work.

Andrew, Woolworths were all over the United States as well.  I loved going there when I was a kid and getting a milkshake at the little restaurant in the back.  The good old days!

Wow, this one hasn't seen the light of day in more than a year.

Quoted from Andrew I may be late to the party...

Yeah, it becomes a problem for an old work when threads become so bloated.  Nobody wants to comment on a fat thread -- but thank you for taking the time to do so.

Fresh reads on a script never get old to the author, you know?  I mean, that is why they are posted in the first place.

Quoted from Andrew ...you have perfectly captured the essence of what I had felt...

That is gratifying to read.  I wanted it to feel real.  The story occurred to me while shopping with my kid -- and I was actually scribbling notes and details as we walked through the store.

Quoted from Andrew I would personally have preferred a clear ending...

Nah…nobody likes it.  Not even me anymore, really.  It is on the to-do list.  Lots of stuff on the to-do list, though.

And thank you for the kind words, Andrew.  While I ultimately wrestled my vanity to the floor and elected not to quote a few other choice phrases in your post, they were most appreciated all the same.

Sheesh...no reads on this for a year, then somebody posts while I'm posting.

Thanks, Steve.  Most of my stuff on the boards is old stuff.  Tanis is really the only new thing I have worked on for a while (and yours is coming up soon, if memory serves). Hopefully, I will find some time this summer for some original works.

I have to admit that your alternate ending is appealing for its simplicity -- and while I know you (or anybody) would be loathe to go back through all of these posts -- if you did, you would indeed find 15 or so alternate endings suggested by readers.  Everybody had their own ideas when this first came out, but it was pretty unanimous that mine was not so great haha.

Andy recommended a "bad kids going in and cowed kids coming out" kind of thing -- which I envisioned as a Pink Floyd "Brick in the Wall" kind of thing -- and I will likely return to that some day.

Thanks again, Steve, for taking the time to let me know you liked it.  And now that you mention it, I could swear that I, too, remember Woolworth's from my younger days.  Hm.

Read this today. Very nice. I'm impressed.

I noticed that whenever the illusions occurr it seems the spiderman doll is around. Is my perception wrong? Is the doll a sort of "chuckie"?

btw, I had a woolworth in my country too. An English influence...

Very well written Bert. Clear and consise. Short and to the point. A pleasure to read.

However, I didn't really have a fecking clue what was going on. Us non U.S. citizens view of WAll Mart comes from South Park & Michael Moore, at best. This may have been more scary to me because of that. It'd be hard to see this working as well in Asda or Tesco.
I take it the reader is supposed to make his own decision and that's quite a good, fine and dandy.

I think the end, in my humble, could have been different and could be better. Nevertheless this is, as has been said, very good indeed.

Thank you, J.G. and RV., for taking a moment to leave your thoughts.  I appreciate that, particularly on such a long, fat thread.

Quoted from JamminGirl I noticed that whenever the illusions occurr it seems the spiderman doll is around...

That was not intentional, but I see what you mean -- how it pops up during key points in the narrative.  Not really sure if that is useful angle or not, but yes, something to think about.

Quoted from rendevous It'd be hard to see this working as well in Asda or Tesco.

Whether or not this would work for a non-American audience is another thing I had never even considered.  Interesting.  I assumed Wal-Mart had a giant footprint darn near everywhere in the world.

Thanks again for the looks, guys.  It is kind of fun to have a work resurface that has been buried so long.  I even went back to reread it myself this morning.  I am glad the piece still works...apart from that infernal ending.

*Spoilers*

Hey Bert -

Started sampling more of your scripts (having already read Them That's Dead, and Someplace Dark...and really enjoying both.)  

So, read All-Mart today, and loved it too.  Speaking of writers on SS that have a truly elegant writing style and a way with words - I'm voting you one of the top that I've read so far!  (Sucking up enough yet?)  But seriously - good stuff, wonderful transitions and visuals.

If there was *anything* that I'd personally pick on with this script (and it's nit picking), it's that the ending seemed maybe a *touch* out of left field.  IE: like in horror films where you think the boogey man is finally dead and chopped up, and he pops up for one last scare?  Not saying that the ending didn't work well - it did.  Just maybe a "hair's breadth off" in that regard.  

Ah, but the visuals worked so well.  The dolls' heads turning, the finger inside the case tracing the smile-y face, etc.  Good stuff!

I had to read this once I read wonka's review.    What a twisted little gem.  

Best part for me;

Gerald retreats behind his mother as the Clerk holds the
doll out towards them.
CLERK
Did you want to buy this?
Gerald looks up at his Mom and shakes his head no.

Great moment.

Personally would've liked to see it end in the car when the doll says "I'm Spiderman!", then Gerald screams.     Everything after that point seemed unecessary, IMO.

Solid writing as usual.

Thank you for digging up one of my relics, Wonka.

I can tell from your own work that you come from kind of a literary place yourself, and I very much appreciate your thoughts.  You might even be the "audience" I am shooting for, I suppose.

Lots of people have a problem with the end, so I cannot fault you there.  It looks fine in my "mind’s eye", but I totally get what you are saying, as I am a tad disappointed with it myself.

And you, too, SR.  I am still kind of miffed at you -- but I do appreciate your taking the time to let me know your thoughts.

I think amongst all of my short scripts, this one might have the most "moments", and I like your choice.

The "perfect" ending will likely elude me forever -- which is funny, as most every reader ends up having one of their own.  

Hi Bert,

Don't mention it.  Definitely my pleasure.  Read two other shorts of yours yesterday, too.  Promise to post on them separately.  (BTW, finding that SS is really addictive and time consuming...)

But I'll say this.  So far, I'm a huge fan of your writing.  The clean prose, the visuals, the transitions.  The not-done-five-million-times-already plot concepts.  

They're a fresh of fresh air.  

So far, there are three people on the boards that I'm honestly impressed with.  One of 'em doesn't count, 'cause I've read all his stuff already.  (And no, he's not perfect, either.).  But one of the others is you.  

Kudos - I read a few more like this, I'm going to be obliged to give The Farm a shot...

PS: that new signature is really distracting...

Cheers,

WV (Janet)

Thank you, Wonka.  Those type of comments are day-makers.

Quoted from wonkavite (BTW, finding that SS is really addictive and time consuming...)

Tell me about it.

Quoted from wonkavite One of 'em doesn't count, 'cause I've read all his stuff already.

Oh, there's lots and lots more reasons that one doesn't count haha

Quoted from wonkavite PS: that new signature is really distracting...

That was just a one-day thing -- for Friday! Friday!

Thanks again.  Will give the new draft of Workout Buddies another look before too long.

Bert,

I see this ones gotten plenty of feedback. I read it still, just for fun. I first thought it was a nightmare too. Beginning with his mom just leaving him in the toy aisle. That was always a huge fear for me when I was a child, losing mommy in a department store.

All of the visuals of the old woman and the store clerk were from Gerald's POV, for the other customers, they were normal people. So I'm thinking Gerald forgot to take his meds or something?

Anyway, Like the use of the sticker and the loudspeaker. Created good tension and creepiness. I thought you should have described the voice on the speaker as a woman or a man. Eventhough you said it was raspy.

The clerk being nervous to open the clothes rack just adds another element of confusion. Like he thought there may actually be somebody hiding in there. And your ending of course, enough said about that. Seems like they were all out to get the poor little guy, and with mommy on their side, it was just a matter of time.

Good short, I feel it is incomplete. Not motives for the ghastly store images and no real conclusion. But, i liked the vibe of it.

For a quick suggestion, maybe Gerald steals the spiderman doll. hides it in his backpack, then all of these things come to life until he puts it back.

James

Quoted from bert Oh, there's lots and lots more reasons that one doesn't count haha

Phil

Bert -

I couldn't stop him.  He saw the post, and ran to his computer...!  

Hey Bert!

Thought I'd join the party, I hate superstores, so this definitely worked for me.
Very enjoyable twisted humor and relatable premise.
Clear concise writing that never confuses.
I can see why everyone has an opinion about an alternate ending...
It's such a good story!
That an I felt like it broke the rules a tad, since Mom was not a beasty earlier.

I'll throw my hat into the ring...

Gerald discovers Spiderman in the back seat of the car.  
"I said! Let's be pals! Now!" Spiderman's eyes glow red.
Gerald throws the doll out the window as they leave the lot.
"Let's be pals. Let's be pals. Let's be pals. Let's be pals." Squish!
A cart collector listening to his iPod runs over the doll with his cart train.

A can haz Oscar nao?

Regards,
E.D.