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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Why is everyone always shooting at me? Moderators: bert
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  Author    Why is everyone always shooting at me?  (currently 2419 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Why is everyone always shooting at me? by Kassius Play - Short - He has a dilema but it is part of his nature. 2 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Kevan
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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I read this and straight away I thought of you Helio..

Now I'm not absolutly sure but I'd lay a bet you wrote this script..

This script is full of all your hallmarks and on a single page at that..

You even managed to use the line required by the competition twice, in the title and by one of the characters, very funny..

I gotta admit it, I laughed..

Way funny for a single page..


Kev
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Antemasque
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

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I'm sorry... but i didnt get it. To whoever wrote this i am sorry. It needed to be longer.

2/5
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greg
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Eh.  I liked the pun at the end, but 1 page?  I don't really know if there's any point in giving a 1 page script a title page.


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James McClung
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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This went completely over my head. It felt more like a joke than a script but the punchline didn't seem to match the setup.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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At first, this made no sense whatsoever….but then I figured it out --- it’s like a bad pun - like “call the police, my steak is being a-salted or something.” - har har.


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Helio
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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I don't know but...I'm not sure...well, never mind!
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Martin
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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This is probably the shortest script I've ever read. I'm pretty sure it's Helio too. Not bad, but you could've stretched it out a little to maybe, I dunno, 3 pages? I quite like the concept and I think there's potential for more gags other than the pun at the end.
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Mr.Z
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio err... I mean Kassius  

You came up with a good premise for this exercise but, as other posters already said, this have to be stretched a bit for it to fully work.


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bert
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 7:52am Report to Moderator
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This one reads like the author composed it while sitting on the toilet.

And, in fact, there is an author around here who has admitted to writing while he does this.

So I think I know who this author might be through simple elimination...elimination?...get it?...ahahaha!

I suppose this might be one of the better one-page scripts I've seen, but yeah, this idea hasn't been flushed out as well as it might have been.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Kotton
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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I'm still SCREAMING!

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I think this little script is great.I can really relate to the bull's eye guy!


A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
                                                                    
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thegardenstate89
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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I got the joke. I'm assuming whoever wrote this was in a bit of a crunch for time.
I felt more like I was reading a commercial, except nothings really being advertised....
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I'm with Andrew and James.  I didn't get it, it went completely over my head.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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i didn't get it, I got a chuckle but that was about it, I just didn't understand it, maybe it's just me.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Um... I would have like to see this one longer, too. Maybe added scenes with bullets or arrows flying through the air, hitting trees. I'm not sure though because it was so short.


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George Willson
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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I dunno. I read it and I shrugged. It was one page long without much of a punchline or comedy in it. I understood what you were trying to do, but it just didn't work.


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Abe from LA
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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OK, so it's no Bull's Eye.
One and done.
Must have been a quick sit on the john.
It felt rushed and the punchline was MIA.
The funniest thing would be if this wasn't written by Helio.
Anyway, a couple of ways to make this a tad better might be at the end of the story, to have the glass door with the doctor's name be riddled with bullet holes.
Or maybe, we see another sign that indicates the doc is an NRA member.  Or we a rifle in his office.  Or who the heck knows.  Just shoot me.
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Takeshi
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure if I laughed with it or at it, but I laughed. I'll give it the benefit of the doubt and say I laughed with it. Yeah, it was funny. 6/10.

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dogglebe
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I would stretch this out a bit more.  Make the patient seem more obsessed with guns.  There would be a better payoff this way.


Phil
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Kevan
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Helio

I just knew this was you, you nut!

Well done man, I actually laughed reading this..


Kevan
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Helio
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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HOW?!
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tomson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Helio dear, I love you!

Your stories can be spotted 2.3 miles away.

I loved Kassius Play!
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Helio, my dear friend, like Tomson, I love you. I recognized you instantly. That’s actually a very good sign. You have a very distinct style. I look forward to the day some new young hot shot writer is accused of trying to imitate Helio J. Cordeiro.  



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Helio
Posted: April 25th, 2006, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey, guys thanks a lot for you imput!!!
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spencerforhire
Posted: May 4th, 2006, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

Good job for a short short. I do agree with others that you could rethink this little gem and make it sizzle. Stretch it out and it will really hit the bullseye.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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Yoda
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Funny read, this is. It isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. I usually hate reading scripts of this length. I wasn't looking forward to this, but hey. It gave me a laugh, I'll search the boards for more of your work.
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Kotton
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still SCREAMING!

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Quoted from Yoda
Funny read, this is. It isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. I usually hate reading scripts of this length. I wasn't looking forward to this, but hey. It gave me a laugh, I'll search the boards for more of your work.


Helio is one of our most prolific writers here. Check his stuff out. I've pretty much enjoyed everything even though he has to work through the language differences. His stories are twisted but with heart.

EDIT: This was one of the one week exercise scripts so that is why it is not polished more than likely.

-Kotton



A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.
                                                                    

Revision History (1 edits)
Kotton  -  August 23rd, 2006, 8:51pm
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God of Thunder
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

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Um...... It was one page. One page with a great pun at the end. I didn't really get to into the sotry being the shortness but I liked the pun and i think it had potentional if you work out a great plot. The character has amazing potentional. Spelling error at end:

The door sing (should be sign) reads.......

But all and all 3 out of 10 stars being the shortness and oddness of being that short. Ha


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The Threat (Action/Drama) (Short)

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Helio
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey guys, I'll take just 1 minute of your attention...well, no, no, I prefere to be short here and just to say...  Thank you all!
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