Hey Abe,

Just finished Neck of the Woods and while its got some potential, and a couple of excellent scenes, I found it...to be frank, a little boring. I'll get to why in a minute but first the positive thing.

The writing. Overall I thought it was very good. You laid out the visuals very clearly which made the script real easy to follow. Your vocabulary is quite impressive which makes the sentences varied and imaginative. Be careful though of not getting too coy with your descriptions. A blast of stars in the north sky? Please. To the south hangs A moon? Unless I haven't been keeping up on current events, Earth still only got ONE moon, right?

Now to the not so positive things, the areas I feel have room for improvement.

The main plot is basic enough, the vampires needs a fall guy, fine, but for a 40-pager this script packs surprisingly little substance. I mean, not much happens for the first 30 pages. They talk and drive and that's pretty much it. You don't switch in to the second act until around page 30 and that's simply too late. In a 40-page script, the second act should hit at about page 10, the third act around page 30-35. Here the second and third act come right on top of each other. I probably wouldn't have minded it so much if the characters were interesting but they seemed so much a like. Both trash talk each other in the same way for the better part of 30 pages and most of it doesn't move the story forward. And that's the key - every scene must move the story forward. Here, I feel, you have a lot of unnecessary scenes that doesn't tell us much new about Dawn or Rudy.

This script has very dialogue heavy and because of that, the dialogue seems repetitive. I don't mean the actual wording but the context. It's a case of less is more. A picture speaks a thousand words so there's no need for dialogue that can be showed through action instead. Personally, I would cut at least 10 pages of the, imo, more or less pointless banter. Sure, some of it works but once you've established that Dawn's a hardass and that Rudy's a dumb hardass then move on, get the story rolling.

Format is solid but I don't feel you need to actually state that the final newscast takes place six hours from now. I think it's pretty obvious that the newscast takes place later when you look at the action surrounding it.

Anyway, my two cents.

You've definitely got a good idea here but it need some work imo.


Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read, Sniper.

This story got varied opinions.
It did fairly well in one short comp about 3 years ago.  Others just don't like the way it plays out. LOL.
I've yet to fix the most obvious problems.  I agree that it needs to be chopped down to about 25 pages or so.
It was written with 1 thought in mind.  Something I could film on no budget.
Of course, the SFX stuff, aka monster scenes, would be a challenge

Quoted from sniper Be careful though of not getting too coy with your descriptions. A blast of stars in the north sky? Please. To the south hangs A moon? Unless I haven't been keeping up on current events, Earth still only got ONE moon, right?

Yeah, I've been busted for this by at least a couple of other readers.  Such is life...

Quoted from sniper ...but for a 40-pager this script packs surprisingly little substance. I mean, not much happens for the first 30 pages. They talk and drive and that's pretty much it.

Ha.  Well, again, this was part of the no budget emphasis.  I have no idea why I overwrote what I now think is a 20-25 page story at most.  In fact, it might be even go under 20 once the excess is removed.

Quoted from sniper You don't switch in to the second act until around page 30 and that's simply too late. In a 40-page script, the second act should hit at about page 10, the third act around page 30-35. Here the second and third act come right on top of each other.

You're the first to nail me on the lateness of the 2nd/3rd acts.  They are something of a concern and if I were to rewrite this from scratch, I would chop out a chunk of the talkiness and speed up the action.

Quoted from sniper Format is solid but I don't feel you need to actually state that the final newscast takes place six hours from now. I think it's pretty obvious that the newscast takes place later when you look at the action surrounding it.

Others had problem with this time shift thing, too.  Originally I didn't have it in the story and some people couldn't figure out when things were taking place.  So I went back and tried to make it clear what I was doing.  I guess it will always be one of those things that some people get intuitively and others will not.

Quoted from sniper You've definitely got a good idea here but it need some work imo.

I think there is potential here, but over the years I've grown less enamored with the original concept.  Now as I look back at it, Neck seems more of an exercise.  The best thing I can say about it is that I've learned from it.
Again, thanks for the read and the sharp critique. All points are appreciated and help in the honing of one's craft.

Regards,

Abe

I didn't get a chance to read over all the other comments, so forgive me if I mention things that have already been mentioned to death.  Also, I apoligize for the shortness of it as I'm trying to get it in before OWC, when I'll be too busy to review it.

Quoted Text To the south hangs a moon, like a cut tooth.

What does that even mean?  Also, it's a little too flowery for my taste.

You might as well mention their names when introducing them -- it's just a waste of space when you have to introduce them later.

I think the news on the radio early on in the story is way too convenient.  We pretty much get everything we need to know about the serial killer from their exchanges anyway.

The characters go from balls out swearing to using pseudo-profanity ("heck", "freakin'") and back again.  I think you should keep it consistent, instead of jumping back and forth.

I think it's a little long.  I think you should go back and trim a good portion of their dialogue and try and at least get this down to 30 pages.  This should be pretty easy as some of the dialogue is kinda unnecessary (the horror stories they tell each other could be cut easily).

I think you explain way too much at the end.  It almost feels like you're jamming it all in there to avoid us readers barraging you with plot hole assumptions.

I could add more but I'm sure it's all been said before.  So, I'll end this review by saying your formatting was pretty much top notch (although you could easily combine some things to drop the page count considerably) and the story was pretty good for the most part and I enjoyed guessing who was who and finding out the reveals at the end (even though I pretty much guessed everything right).

If I ever see a new script of yours, I'll try to be the first to post a review on it, so I can give you a big review.  

Thanks for the read, Jesse.
The cut tooth is just that, a flowery description. Ha.
Nothing more.
I'll take your suggestions under advisement and push forward.
Actually I tried to resurrect this story into something that works better.
If you see this again, it'll be different.
Now on to the OWC.