Neck of the Woods by Gary Kohatsu (abe from la) - Short, Horror - Two university students transport a crate of artifacts through a forest.  But on this night, the serial killer on the loose is not the worst nightmare. 39 pages - pdf, format

I see you, Abe.  Wish this had gone up a little earlier when I had some time to give.

Have only given part of this a quick buzz-over for now, but I like what I see.

It's funny how the staccato style of your posts translates into your writing.

Some of your descriptions read more like bullets -- incomplete sentences that just crackle on the page -- and it really works for you.

So, yeah -- I'll be getting to this one.

Okay, Bert.
Going on vacation for two weeks.  What timing.
So I won't be around.  

Abe

Hi Abe,

This was a very well written short, I would love to see this as a feature

You write your descriptions very well, very easy to imagine.

Your dialog is also top notch, it felt very real.

"You to Gidget"  HAHA, That was a great line, I also like the Mickey and Malory reference.

I loved how the story flowed and how I had no idea what the story was really about, but I did have a gut feelingwho the killer was once all the characters were introduced.

If there is a weakness it's that the characters are not very likeable, there was no one really who I wanted to see make it out alive, but on the other hand they were really well written and very drawn out.

In the end I thought this was a great short with good dialog, story, and descriptions.  Great job

Abe -- why so shy about putting your stuff out there?  Like I mentioned in my earlier post, I really like your style -- the short sentences make for a very quick read, and the piece sometimes feels as if it were racing past.

Great momentum to this one, and a nasty little story it is, too.

A lot of this is just nit-pick, but I figured I at least owed it to you to toss out absolutely every error I could spot or question I could conjure, you know?

SPOILERS:

*  Not sure I know what a "blast" of stars is.  I might pick a different noun there.  Especially since it's our very first line.  And the "meet" thing for Dawn.  I've seen that once or twice before, and I am not sure I care for it.  But I really can't tell you why.
*  "The Dead of Night" has too many CAPS in it.  
*  You have Dawn put out her cigarette after, like, 30 seconds.  They are just talking.  It's OK for her to keep smoking, I think.  "You're uglier in person" is great.  Maybe she could blow smoke in his face when she delivers this line, since she will still have the butt going.
*  U-Wee?  I know what you mean, but are you sure that's how it's spelled?
*  "...heavier than the Dead Sea" doesn't make sense to me.
*  I like how Rudy turns on Dawn on page 30.  That's pretty funny, and well within the bounds of his character.
*  On page 32, don't write it as under.  I don't think you are ever supposed to do that.  For special emphasis, use CAPS.  At least, that is my understanding of it.
*  At the very end, I don't like the way you "flash forward" with the radio broadcasts.  If you just go with a simple V.O. for these, people will still get the point that it has happened at some point in the near future.  I mean, obviously, since he is right there in front of us.  But then at the very, very end, you seem to imply something else.  That he isn't going to make it out of this desert after all.  I was a little confused by that.


So, what I really liked about this story is how there are so many twists for such a small number of characters. It seems as if everybody's motives are suspect at any time.  I particularly enjoyed that aspect of this script. TBWCF, above, makes a fair point when he claims that all of these characters are somewhat unlikable, and there is really nobody to root for, but I don't think that's a problem here.  This is a nasty little story populated with ugly people -- although I admit that I ended up liking Dawn by the time this one was over -- which says something about the way you handled her character.

The question of why Dawn was just wandering around out there, a half-mile away from where she actually wanted to be, was never really answered.  You touch on something about her boyfriend dumping her out there, but I wasn't quite clear on where you were going with that.

I suppose we could also ask why the coffin was out there -- in the desert -- buried under a few branches.  It seemed kind of odd that it was just...there, you know?  Come up with a reason.  Then have Rudy ask Dawn directly why it's out there.  And then she can tell him.  Easy fix.  I understood later that they needed to draw him out, but early on in the story, it's just too strange to buy into it completely.  Who stores stuff out in the desert?  It just seems like Rudy would want an explanation.

There is also the question of Ian.  Dawn does not want to pick up Ian.  It is Rudy's decision all the way.  So, why does Rudy want to pick up Ian?  The "what about the killer" explanation doesn't work when we find out who Rudy really is.  Why on Earth would Rudy stop to pick up anybody?  Especially a dude?  This also needs a reason if everything is to fall neatly into place.

But like I said at the outset -- all of these are fine points -- and none of these things serve to dilute the impact of this story very much.  It still works great on its own terms.

So, Abe, I suspected you knew what you were doing when you dissected my little story, and it is great to see you finally putting something out there of your own -- and to learn that you've been hiding some talent from us.

This is a really competent piece of work, Abe.  You've got great style and a unique voice.

I highly recommend this one to readers that might be looking to check out a "new" author around here.

Hey Abe,

Just finished reading your script. I like the way you write your descriptions. You make everything so vivid.



SPOILERS

I don't want to give away much. Just want to make some comments.

I liked the way the story started out with a little mystery, then kept getting darker as the story went on.
Any one of them could have been the killer.
I liked the characters. Dawn was a bad a**.   I also liked the way Rudy interacted with her...
Refrigerator? LOL
The twists were pretty neat, visual, and life like.   I kept reading and wondering what was going to happen next, then the ending made me raise my brow and say "Whoa, cool".

This was a very entertaining piece of work.   It's nice to start the day off with a smile.

Cindy

Everyone kinda went over everything so I really haven't felt the need to review this one... I just wanted to say that "by & large" this was a good script.  

I read it on the pretense it sounded a lot like a script I wrote called "WHATTA' DRAG" but it turned out to be nothing like it at all.

In my script we had 2 down on their luck thugs Hired to drag two large crates through the woods to a cemetery. They then meet a man who'd take them off their hands and In turn compensate them. However they didn't get compensated but instead got what was inside the crates...

Anyways, enough about my script... Your script is really good. I liked pretty much everything about it. The characters, the dialogue "for the most part" , the setting and the hooks you laid out... It was all really good.

When you get that from me... believe it's good.

I can't wait to read more from you, actually.

I wonder why this one isn’t getting more reads since it’s a very solid piece of work, and I remember the author being around for some time posting detailed reviews from other scripts.

I like your writing style, Abe. Short and dry sentences, but not too dry; some “novelish” spice here and there. You’re very clever in choosing the right words for your descriptions, but sometimes you focus on this a little too much, and drags the reader away from the story (i.e. “--Speak of the devil--“).

Sharp and witty dialogue. Rudy and Dawn made me chuckle several times.

These forty pages flowed real fast, but I wonder if they aren’t too much for a story like this one. Maybe Dawn and Rudy chatted a little too much, maybe you could cut some bits of dialogue (i.e. when they tell stories to each other).

*SPOILERS*

I liked the story. Kept me guessing the whole time. Each of the characters end up being someone different; didn’t see the vampire thing coming or Ian being a cop.

You achieved a decent quota of originality with the so overused vampire theme, good job on that. And you managed to mix a vampire plot with a serial killer plot, without turning your script into a mess.

I only had a couple of minor beefs with the story.

I don’t know how you could do this otherwise but I have to tell you, in whatever movie of whatever genre, each time a character turns on a radio or TV just in time to hear news related to him or the plot, I laugh. In the bad way. Ironically, by repeating the use of this plot device you made it fit a little bit better on the script; the serial killer thing was hot on the news and the newscaster seemed to have been reporting it for a long time. So Rudy hearing such news felt less like coincidence. Still, I hate this plot device, and I think this script (or any script) will look better without it.

On  p.5 you’ve got a  “INT. PICKUP TRUCK – NIGHT” slugline followed by an identical slugline in the next scene. Makes the reader wonder why the writer is putting a new slug at all. Changing it for a “INT. PICKUP TRUCK – LATER” would look a little bit better, IMO.

Use V.O. for the voices coming out of the radio instead of RADIO.

Is “EXT. LONGBED OF PICKUP – NIGHT” supposed to be the same location as  “EXT TRUCK BED – NIGHT” ?? If they are, it’s better to use identical sluglines for identical locations.

Bert makes a good point about the “Under” in bold and underlined.

I really enjoyed this one, Abe. Looking forward to read something more from you.

I think this is very well written. Technically, there’s nothing to complain about. It was obviously gone over and perfected. The grammar and spelling, etc., are superb. This is the kind of work that puts the first draft “I wrote this in twelve hours and posted it as soon as possible” scripts to shame.

****SPOILERS****

Story wise, I found it to also be very well done. Up until the vampire part, I thought it was enthralling and genuinely frightening. I’m not that hard to scare, especially alone at night, but I’m not easily scared unless something is well written and compelling. This was.

Only when the vampires entered the story did it start to lose its footing for me. One of the most chilling aspects up to that point was the realism. Once the vampires entered, it was like the realism sort of flew out the window for me. It was still very good but it had lost that certain something it had up to that point.

Here are some notes I made while reading:

Moon, like a cut tooth? -- I missed the meaning here.

I’m confused as to why Rudy keeps calling Dawn a hitchhiker when they supposedly planned to meet. If he’s supposedly there for a job, then why does he keep implying they met by sheer fluke. He calls her a hitchhiker and mentions that she’s lucky he came along. Was their meeting planned or coincidental?

I think the reasons for a coffin being hidden in the woods need to be made clearer.

Bling, a thought - I don’t understand this.

Too much cigarette smoking in too short of a period. It became rather redundant feeling.

I thought Ian was the killer because he said he was a media junkie, which a serial killer might be and because you described him much the same way as the BTK killer. Good throw off.

I’m not sure it’s best to foreshadow Gatlin’s demise with the radio non response. The very first time Ian attempts to contact him and gets no response, it’s obvious what happened. I think it would be best to not have Ian attempt to contact Gatlin until what’s currently the last time, right before we hear the static coming from the coffin. You won’t have the earlier foreshadowing but I think this is one of those rare cases where it will work best without it. That way, we’ll hear the static and have the truth lower onto us before we can deduce what happened.

The ending seemed to be a bit conflicted. Are we to believe Rudy is arrested in the near future or killed by vampires? If he’s to be killed, then why wouldn’t Dawn or Lockwood just kill him instead of setting him up?

Overall, I thought it was a job well done. I really appreciated the high caliber technical skill and crafting. It was also a good story with some genuinely frightening moments. The vampire stuff doesn’t do much for me. With the sole exception of Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I’ve always found vampire stories to be a little hokey. But this is one of the better ones and the vampire stuff was part of a larger picture and with such a well written piece, it wasn’t detrimental to the whole. Overall, it was a very well written and enjoyable read. If one’s going to write horror, this is the way to do it.


Brea

Quoted from Mr.Z I wonder why this one isn’t getting more reads since it’s a very solid piece of work, and I remember the author being around for some time posting detailed reviews from other scripts.

I printed this one out last week, but I did not hurry with it, since I think I read somewhere he was going on vacation for two weeks.  

Abe, I really liked this! I remember liking the short comedy for the OWE too and it being one of my favorite entries as well.

I REALLY like your descriptions. Short, but containing as much vivid information as possible. In my humble opinion this is your strongest side.

The dialogue was really good too and seemed very authentic to me.

The story itself was very good, but in my opinion the weakest of three.
Action (description), dialogue and story.

SPOILERS:

"you're uglier in person" haha, that was great.

I know a lot was explained at the end, but one thing that bugged me throughout reading was "why was the coffin in the woods in the first place".

on page 17, when Dawn says they can't open the casket no matter what I started to have thoughts of vampires and monsters.

on page 19, for some reason I started to have these visions of Lucy and Ethel driving down to Florida. haha, I love that one.

on page 25, I was convinced Ian was the bad guy. Good job fooling me.

on page 26, I liked how Dawn all of a sudden clings to Rudy, seemingly seeking protection. (you totally threw me for a loop later)

on page 29, Your script was so perfectly formatted, spelled and grammatically correct that when I found a typo I got all excited. It's crocodile - not crocadile, haha

This was a really, really nice script.
It was a little less exciting at the end with the vampires and I think it could probably loose some of the chatty stuff between Dawn and Rudy to make it shorter. It was not bad dialogue at all, don't take me wrong, but maybe a little too much of a good thing.

Great stuff!  

Abe!

SPOILERS

I promised I would read your stuff and here I am. I seem to be a little behind the rest of the crew, and everyone above me has basically covered what I would say.

So, as an overall opinion: I absolutely loved the script. The dialogue was tight and perfect and the action zipped by. You definitely have a talent for quick, informative, tight sequences. It read superbly.

Like Pia, I knew right away that a coffin = vampires. But you made up for that by throwing in the other twists that kept the story fresh.

This is one of the best short scripts I've read in a while.

Congrats.

Back from vacation on Monday.  I attended a family (wife's side) wedding in Hawaii.  It was my first time on the Islands and my only regret was that I missed my chance at tasting Matsumoto's "shave ice" in Hale'iwa, on the island of Oahu.  Mats' snow cones are the stuff legends are made of, so I'm told.
I had a plane to catch and there were about 25-30 people in line.  We tried Aoki's -- some say their shave ice is just as good as Mats -- down the road, but the line was no shorter.  Sigh.

Anyway, thank you to all who have read my short.  I'm thrilled that so many of the 'best' writers on this board are giving me feedback.

TBWCF -- You nailed something that a screenwriting teacher once told me.  As in this story, I don't write 'likeable' characters.  Not that I think it's vital in this short script, but it's a part of my game that I forgot about.
The truth is, I don't write likeable characters well.  They always read flat.  Quirky works better for me, I guess.

Bert -- The blast of stars line is a metaphor for buckshot from a shotgun.  I think.  I actually stole that from some short story I once read.  The author used shotgun blast and I shortened it to blast.
You  got me on the Dead of Night caps thing.  I was trying to foreshadow the vampire element.  Caps weren't really necessary.
- yeah, I overdid the cigarette smoking bit.  Dawn, being what she is, doesn't really smoke, so I should have had her smoke one cig.  It was supposed to be for effect.
- Dawn doesn't blow smoke in Rudy's face right off because I didn't want it to appear she was deliberately nasty.  I wanted it to appear that her antics were provoked, for the most part.
-  I have no idea how Uwee or Uee is really spelled.  As they say in J-school, if you really don't know something, write what you think and if it's wrong, you'll hear about it. -- (the days before the internet, obviously).
--  Dead Sea?  Yeah, it's a dead line.  I'll dump it.
--  the underlining of the word 'under' should indeed be caps.  I wrote it and never gave it a second thought, until you mentioned it.  Talk about blind spots.
-- The ending with the flash forward, it seems I can never get that right.  I've tried it before on something else I wrote and some people in one of my classes didn't like it because they flatout didn't know what was happening.  Hmm...

You've nailed me on quite a few valid points.  Thank you.  On other points, I'll explain that later.

-- Cindy, thanks for the read.  I really did not want to write a stereotypical "woman in jeopardy" situation.  I like strong women characters.  Always.  I guess that's why I have respect for films like "Hard Candy." And even "High Tension," although I hated the ending.
There was a chapter of Friday the 13th (I forget the number) in which Jason goes up against a young woman with telekenetic powers.  I didn't care much for the film, but I loved the premise.

-- Wow, I passed the Baltis read test.  That's pretty flattering.

I know you'd tear me a new a****** if the story didn't do its job, for the most part.
Now you've got me curious about your short "WHATTA' DRAG."

--
Mr. Z, you've probably got it right when you mentioned that it's overwritten.  It is.  I was aware of it and have been thinking about lopping off about 10 pages.  I think 30 pages is enough.

Well, the radio thing is not going to bang everybody's drum.  I've had people in screenwriting classes that practically wretch at such devices.  

I did not even catch the Page 5 int. pickup truck slug mess-up.  I'll take a look and fix that.

--  Breanne,

Yes, I put time into this story.  I totally agree with you that too many writers rush to post.  Nothing will be perfect, but for writers not to at least check for obvious typos and the like marks them amateurs.

I find it interesting that the vampire story line didn't cut it for you.  And neither the line about the cut tooth.  Yikes.  I've got to watch my metaphors and descriptions. Bert didn't like the 'blast' of stars.  

The hitchhiking thing is more murky than It should be.  My fault.  I'll explain more about this vampire thing and the subtle and not-so-subtle elements dealing with vampirism at the end of this post.

'Bling, a thought' is really just a style of the old lightbulb of an idea scene. My using that is probably influenced by Shane Black.  He got away with much worse lines back in the '80s, but yeah, readers roll their eyes over such remarks.  Mr. Z pointed out that the --Speak of the Devil-- line wasn't necessary either.

Good point about the Gatline/Static scene.  I knew I was pushing it by having Ian radio Gatlin twice.  Once is enough.  Nice call.

Pia --

Ah, but you have spotted my greatest weakness.  I am not a very good story teller.  Never have been, even while taking fiction writing courses at CSULB.  I was always the guy who wrote messy, disturbing stories that people couldn't quite figure out.

As my wife points out, I have no real stories to tell -- at least in mixed company.  I've never been one to tell stories.  never.  So, how odd that I find myself trying to write fiction.  Go figure.

Hey, I was an Ian McEwan wannabe.  He was my inspiration way back.  But HIS quirky stories worked.

Lucy and Ethel?  Haha.  I remember that episode.  Yeah, I can see how that could creep into one's thought.

Crocadile?  That stupid FD spellcheck.  Oh, sorry, I'm the stupid one here.  I think I threw that goofy crocadilly line in at the last moment and now it's biting me in the a**.

Yes, this story was too talky.  It's one of those situations where I hoped it wasn't, and when people say "hey, too much chatter," it's like the logical side of my brain says See! What'd I Tell you!!
I've got to bite the bullet and start cutting.
  
--  McDuff.  Stewart.  Thanks for your words of praise.  I was hoping you'd give me your blessings, or if nothing else, some pointers.  If much of it works for you, than I'm encouraged.

SPOILERS

I started this script in early 2005, with two thoughts in mind.  Write it cheap and then make it cheaper.

My thoughts were to see if I could sustain tension between two characters in a horror story, with a minimum of settings and effects.  Something that I could make -- if I can figure out how to make a  film.
I submitted this story to the American Gem short story contest in '05, or whatever it was called, and at the last minute, I wrote the monster scene.  I also added the Ian character because the story seemed to hit a point in which it was running out of steam.

Although I initially intended this to be a straight-forward serial killer meets vampire tale, I later switched gears and attempted to make it more of a psychological story.

Nobody picked up on the latter possibility, so I guess it didn't work.  Too many inconsistencies, I guess.

So, here goes how I wanted the story to work.

The vampires don't exist -- except in Rudy's twisted mind.  Dawn was a hitchhiker, already dead as reported on the radio.  The detectives are already dead; gunshot victims.
The whole story is about Rudy concocting some bizarre scenario to rationalize his actions -- until the end of the story, when he absolutely loses it.

He is willing to play the cat-and-mouse game with Dawn, because he wants to expose her.  A part of him knows he already killed her, but another part of him wants to believe she is a demon who has returned to life.
And he must kill her again.
He doesn't question finding the coffin in the woods, because he thinks the demons know who he is and are fleeing him. Thus vampires moving out.
He doesn't question how he and scrawny Dawn could possibly lift a casket weighing 400+ pounds, because demons/vampires have unusual strength.  She's doing the lifting, so he believes.

He justifies shooting Ian at the story's end, because the detective has turned into a demon.
When Dawn mentions things like vampires leave no finger prints and it is like she was never there, he takes that as a reason to explain how he is misunderstood -- the demons cover their tracks and make him look like the bad guy.  Hence, the years of therapy which did no good because he was never at fault.

It's kind of like taking Carl Kolchak (the Night Stalker reporter from TV yesterday) and carrying it out to a more psychotic end.  Is fighting monsters a deed bestowed upon the blessed, or the insane?

Rudy believes God watches over him and so he acts fearlessly.  But as the story procedes, his mind unravels.

As I say, the inconsistencies sink the story.  My biggest fatal flaw might be the Page One scene in which Dawn walks alone along the forest road.  I should have removed that.  Everything should be from Rudy's viewpoint.

Quoted from Abe from LA Everything should be from Rudy's viewpoint.

*SPOILERS*

Now that I know that much of the story is in his mind, that sounds like a very good idea.

Quoted from Abe from LA    --  McDuff.  Stewart.  Thanks for your words of praise.  I was hoping you'd give me your blessings, or if nothing else, some pointers.  If much of it works for you, than I'm encouraged.

SPOILERS

No worries Abe,
I would have given a more indepth review, but I did not want to repeat what the fine folk above me already posted, especially since you are not a novice.

Now that I have read your foundation for the script though, I feel you may want to think about a small polish. If you can shift the story so that Rudy is the clear-cut protagonist, that will benefit the payoff. Also, now that we know this is basically a re-telling seen through Rudy's eyes (kinda like the movie Identity) to rationalize his actions, it may make it beneficial to clarify that by dropping some more hints that he is infact, crazy and the demons are in his head or that at the end, when you hit us with the payoff, that it is clear that he is a serial killer and the demons were/are made up.

Take Care,
Stewart

Quoted from MacDuff Also, now that we know this is basically a re-telling seen through Rudy's eyes (kinda like the movie Identity) to rationalize his actions, it may make it beneficial to clarify that by dropping some more hints that he is infact, crazy and the demons are in his head or that at the end, when you hit us with the payoff, that it is clear that he is a serial killer and the demons were/are made up.t

You're absolutely correct about more clues as to Rudy's sanity, or insanity.  I figure if Dawn is actually his alter ego, she might question something that he can't explain...  such as when Rudy grabs the blanket from the truck bed and throws it over the casket.  Maybe an article of womens clothing falls out.  Or something like that.
Anyway, more hints.  Thanks for the suggestion.

Abe,

I hope you did not misunderstand me.
I did not at all mean that your story telling was bad, no way.
The Action (description) and dialogue were exceptional.
All I meant was that the story itself was just less than that, but still top notch.

A shotgun blast of stars, huh?  That's pretty good.  Too bad it would be stealing haha.

[SPOILER DISCUSSION]

So this is all part of Rudy's psychosis??  Boy -- I sure didn't get that from it, Abe.  I would be less than honest with you if I didn't tell you that wasn't coming through.

But I buzzed through the script again and spotted a few clues -- but only when I was looking for them -- some of the things you already mentioned -- and also Dawn's slit throat at the end matching up with the radio report that starts us off.

Part of your problem -- I think, anyways -- might be that the storyline works so well as a straighforward story that nobody is looking for anything else.  Does that make sense?  You might need to "weird" this up a bit -- in terms of the structure or the timeline -- to tip the reader off to the fact that there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Perhaps make Rudy less flirty -- or whatever it is that he is doing.  He shouldn't be hitting on Dawn -- he should be frightened of Dawn -- but we don't know why.  We only sense a dark tension between these two.  They shouldn't be friends -- not that they are now -- but even less so, perhaps.

And the slit throat at the end -- the clearest connection I found to the true story you were trying to tell -- should be played up a bit more.  Instead of the "Queen Vampire" image, why not play up the murder victim angle.  A pale corpse with the slashed throat and partial nudity described to us by the radio announcer.

Another opportunity for clarification might be the ending -- as right now it is so darn ambiguous.  Who is getting out of this car?  Cops?  Vampire Cops?  His psychiatrist?  Whoever it is, it should serve to drive home for us what is really going on in Rudy's mind.

Or -- another option -- is to abandon the "crazy" angle and go with the straighforward story that most of us seem to have enjoyed just fine.  Fine tune the story you've got instead of going for the big overhaul.  Just tossing that option out there.

It is still great work, Abe -- even if nobody quite got what you wanted them to.

PS:  I love the Nightstalker.  I wonder how many people here remember him?  

Quoted from bert PS:  I love the Nightstalker.  I wonder how many people here remember him?

I don't "remember" Nightstalker so much as sometimes watch him on my Scream digital channel. It plays on the weekends, pure 70's cheese.

Thanks, Bert, for your additional comments.
Yeah, I can see that to present the story as I had intended would be a serious undertaking.
For now, I guess I would be better off trying to clean up the straight-forward story and worry about the psychological angle later.

The Night Stalker series was one that I had hoped nobody would touch -- I read there is a feature in the works.  This is/was the story that I wanted most to redux.  Oh well.
NS was something of a precursor to the X-Files, I think.

My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel. LOL, right.

Quoted from Abe from LA My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel. LOL, right.

Growing up in Scotland, I remember Day of the Triffids fondly. That and the Doctor Who movies\TV series. Ahh, the memories.

Sorry for taking this off topic.

Back to Neck Of The Woods - Abe, can't wait to read a polished version, as I still believe you have the backbone to an interesting and successful tale.

Stewart

Quoted from Abe from LA I find it interesting that the vampire story line didn't cut it for you. And neither the line about the cut tooth..

I don’t have anything against vampires. I think a lot of times they just come off as too fantastic to really be believable. In the context or your story, which as you explain it is quite different from anything I had imagined, it seems to be more plausible.

The cut tooth thing, I just didn’t get. The moon hangs like a cut tooth? I missed it. Sometimes things just go by me, I guess. I still don’t get it -- haha!

Quoted from Abe from LA My second story to remake would be Day of the Triffids. The Brits, of course, have redone it for BBC.  I believe the British version was much truer to John Wyndham's novel.

I love The Day of the Triffids! I really got hot when I saw Jeanette Scott fight a triffid that spits poison and kills -- haha!

Quoted from MacDuff Abe, can't wait to read a polished version, as I still believe you have the backbone to an interesting and successful tale.

Thanks for your support, MacDuff.
I probably won't post a rewrite, but will continue to work on this short.
My next posted script will be another short involving outlaws on the lam and eeek - zombies.

Quoted from Breanne I don’t have anything against vampires. I think a lot of times they just come off as too fantastic to really be believable.

I know what you mean.  Although vampires always pique my curiosity, I haven't seen many in film that make me go "Wow."  In some ways, that is the challenge for me.  How do I write a different kind of vampire story.

don't fret over the cut tooth thing.  I don't know know what the hey it means either.  It just came out as I was writing.  HaHa.
Like I said, I've got to keep a check on my metaphors and similes and stuff. lol.

"I like your writing style, Abe. Short and dry sentences, but not too dry; some ?novelish? spice here and there. You?re very clever in choosing the right words for your descriptions, but sometimes you focus on this a little too much, and drags the reader away from the story (i.e. ?--Speak of the devil--?)."

I 'll use Mr Z as if were my words.

I think if it was short maybe 20 pages long or less it could be very nice piece to shoot and read.

The dialogues between Dawn and Rudy some times were so great and inteligent.

congrats Gary!

Ps If I was you when I have reached 40 pages I continue until it reaching 120 pages.

Thank you for the read, Helio.
What you say rings with truth and I've thought about many different ways to approach the story.
I don't plan to go to 40 pages and definitely not 120.  After a certain point, the story dies.
Such is life.  Haha.
As you say, 20 pages puts it in the realm of shooting.  Sounds like a plan.
It's a great learning script for me.  I'm much wiser than I was a month ago...I think.

Hey Abe,

You want to hear something really, really wierd and a huge coincidence?  I couldn't help but smile (and shake my head) when I was reading 'Neck of the Woods'.

Two weekends ago, I went out to a bar with a friend of mine, and I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school, someone I haven't seen in ten years, a Romanian exchange student named Paula Ungureanu.  She just moved back here to Ohio a couple months ago.  We've gone out a couple times since then and are talking about getting into a relationship again.

So, anyway, that's who I pictured as Dawn.  (Paula's not as much of a bitch as Dawn, though.  At least, not yet.)

I also kind of figured that vampires would eventually come into the scenario with the name, Dragos Ungureanu.  (The name Dragos reminded me too much of Ioan Dragos, who was commissioned to negotiate with the leaders of the Transylvanian Romanian movement during the 1848-49 Revolution in Transylvania.)  (It's amazing how much you learn about a girl's culture when you start banging her.)

Anyhow, down to the story.

I loved how you built up the suspense between Rudy and Dawn and always have it so the two characters are never on the same side.  There's always a tension between them which drives the story along.

I do have to agree, with Breanne, I think it was, in that the story does get a little weak when the vampires arrive.  (Don't worry, I felt the same way about 'From Dusk Til Dawn', a brilliant and suspenseful movie that started to suck after Selma Hayek's striptease, when the vampires arrived.)

Back to 'Neck of the Woods'.  It's not that I don't like vampire movies, it just seemed that the story, including the dialogue, which had been top notch until page 30, began to run a little cheesy for my liking.

Quoted from Neck of the Woods DAWN:  Pretty dope, huh? He’s Lucifer’s prototype: the Nuclear-Age Vampire. A CarniVipe. Immune to sunshine, radiation, wooden stakes, poison gas, holy water, garlic cloves, silver bullets, kryptonite, whatever. And he obeys like a show dog. ... DAWN:  Yo, Professor. Let’s roll.

Dawn had never talked like that in the rest of the script.  Why is she starting to talk like a sixteen year-old now?  The dialogue was very strong until around that point.

Even the story itself is great the whole way through (Now that I've read your explanation that the vampires never existed and it's all in Rudy's head.)  I did kind of get the idea that this was all an elaborate thought of Rudy's, but I don't think by the end of the script, that idea wasn't beyond the shadow of a doubt validated.

Like I had said before, I loved the dialogue early on.  'Rudy: Where's your sense of adventure?    Dawn: In my wallet.' just became one of my favorite lines.  And there was also a great reference to Natural Born Killers, too.  I smiled wide at that.

One last thing that didn't make sense to me, though, was how Dawn, so strong-minded, arrogant, relentless, and tough when she was picked up by a twenty-something stranger with tattoos and needlemarks on his arm, started freaking out and acting like a coward all of a sudden when picking up a balding, sag-faced 50-something pasty bookworm type.  It just seemed out of her character.

Anyhow, I did find this really interesting and enjoyed reading it a lot.  I only browsed through some of the other people's comments and hope I brought something new or something you had never thought of that nobody else had mentioned.

If you could, pm me, or put in a reply, any other stories you've posted on here, as I'm now definately interested in reading those.

I'll see ya around.

- Mark

just read the script.  i've only glanced at other people's comments, but i think mine will be very similar to what other say (i guess my notes won't be enitirely helpful, but it could be good to know that multiple people are having similar thoughts).   obviously, you are very good at writing concise, vivid action.  your diaolgue is also very strong and funny and lends itself to strong characters (i already can see rosario dawson as dawn).  i breezed the first 30 pages of this and was really kept on edge, wondering what the hell was going to happen.  but then i was not thrilled when it turned in to a horror type piece.  personally, i don't care for the horror genre really and am much more interested in drama/thriller, which is what this felt like for me.  i really think you should turn this into a feature, only starting with the first thirty pages and then going from there.  like, did you see tarantino's death proof?  that had the long first part that took place in austin.  then it went to tennessee where it would almost, not repeat the events, but mirror them, only there was a change.  (looking back on my previous sentences about 'death proof', they probably don't make any sense, but i'm not deleting them in the small chance you understand what i'm saying).  anyway, back to your script.  another problem i had with the end was the whole time we're with dawn and rudy, but then at the end all these new characters (the vampires) emerge and because we reallly didn't know them, we don't care as much.  and it was such a huge shift in tone for me from suspense to horror.  your script did entertain me for most of the time, but what makes a film is the end, so i was left feeling somewhat unsatisfied.  again, i'm sure i repeated some stuff, but whatever        

Thanks for the read, dkw208 and Mark.
Mark, you know my comments, since I PMd you.

I understand what you are saying dkw.  A lot of people did not like the direction I took this story.
Most are OK with the thriller beginning.
I will have to consider how to keep the suspense going and redo the final act.
More often than not, I tend to favor horror.
That doesn't mean I'm good at writing horror, however.  In fact I've learned over the past year that I'm really not that good at writing hard action scenes -- fight scenes, humans vs. monsters, and such.  Oh well.
Suspense I like and can do with some zest.
"Neck" also could use some trimming and the religious aspects might be cumbersome, too.
I have seen "Death Proof" and I do admire Tarantino's work, so I will certainly give some thought to your suggestions.
I probably won't take this story to feature length. There are other stories that have more potential than this one.
Again, I appreciate the feedback and your reinforcing the need to keep this one pure suspense and less/no monsters. Ha.

There were things about this script I really liked and things about it that I didn’t.  

The writing was quite good throughout.  Short and crisp with some lovely prose thrown in for kicks.
The dialogue was top notch. Smart and sharp.
The story unfolded well and was clear.
The characterisations, for the most part, were very good.

But I think things kind of lost focus for a while in the middle.  And when they came back again a few of the surprises lost their effectiveness.  I also found myself fighting with this story a bit because a lot of the surprises were expected. We knew it was going to be a vampire and we knew there was going to be a serial killer and we knew it was going to be either Dawn or Rudy.  You managed to pull a couple more surprises off but you should of milked the ones that we expected a bit more.

I had some problem with Rudy. I stopped liking him when he started acting crazy.  I think that you need to keep him from being as crazy as he was if you want his surprise to be effective.  Make us really like him and think he’s the hero and then destroy that with the realisation when he is the serial killer.  We thought he was the killer in the beginning. You have to really make us believe he isn’t.  You do that but then he gets crazy immediately and you’ve ruined that wonderful safety we feel with him way before it needs to be ruined in the story.

I didn’t like that the vampire was the professor. I had a feeling it was going to be him at the beginning, so it wasn’t a surprise. I think if you want it to be him we need to meet the professor earlier.

I liked that Dawn was a vampire. I didn’t expect that even though you foreshadowed it.

I can’t figure out why they let him go - doesn’t make sense to me – but you managed to end it nicely.

So, overall I thought you did a good job with this, but I think you can make it even better.

My notes as I read:

pg 6. Refresh my memory - I thought this was a clumsy way for him to ask. He should just flat out ask why.
pg 7. Hey, I’m cool. Perfectly happy with my arrangement, thank you. I don't understand what he means by his arrangement in this context. It confused me.
pg 8 melody of crickets in the woods --
suddenly stop - Though crickets do stop when approached I doubt all the crickets in a forest would. Nice effect though.
pg 8. like the Wicked Witch of the fucking West - A bit too cute.
pg 11. the grunt was ok but the strain was too much.
pg 11. blow wind - I understand what you mean but this kind of has funny connotations that aren't really related.
pg 12. I've kind of at this point decided that Rudy is not a threat and may even be gay.
The first because he's convinced me he knows the professor and the second because he called her girlfriend. Not even metros call women girlfriend.  Entire shallow second reason but all I have to go on...And by the end of the page he has confused me.  I would really rework this page and reconsider the use of girlfriend. Or if your trying to make him go weird then I guess you succeeded.
pg 15. What if the professor is the serial killer? I thought of that ages ago.  Would be much better left as subtext or not verbalised so blatantly.  The sudden verbalising of it made me wince.
pg 21. I'm having a difficult time liking Rudy at this point. It's been this way for a couple of pages.
pg 22. Dawn looks like she has just witnessed a slaughter. - This reaction is not clear to me.
pg 30. crocadile/crocodile
pg 33. taught/taut
pg 33. For the love of God, kid, nobody else needs to die. - Too melodramatic for a cop except in older movies.
pg 33. I'm not really liking that it's the professor.
pg 34. I'm ok with Dawn being Queen Vampire. Not sure if you foreshadowed it though. Yeah, I guess you did with the Hepatitis comment.
pg 35. Not sure how I feel yet about the Rudy surprise.
pg 36. good research on the Romanian name.
pg 36. I thinking thought that there is a bit too much exposition around here.
pg 36. I don't really get why they left him alive.
pg 39. The back to real time works but I would rather have seen a SIX HOURS LATER and then a FLASHBACK.
pg 40. Nice Ending.

Thank you for the read, Michael.
Really an excellent breakdown of my script.

Quoted from mcornetto I had some problem with Rudy. I stopped liking him when he started acting crazy.

The periodic episodes of craziness were there so people wouldn't say later, "he was crazy?"  Why didn't show signs of craziness?"
Maybe it didn't work so well.  Now I have to wonder if a person who is delusional, sees himself as being sane -- consistently so?  

Quoted from mcornetto We thought he was the killer in the beginning. You have to really make us believe he isn’t.  You do that but then he gets crazy immediately and you’ve ruined that wonderful safety we feel with him way before it needs to be ruined in the story.

I think this is one of those situations, because it is a three-person story, which would not fool most readers.  If I present Rudy as the purest, sanest, most heroic character, some will see that as a sign that he will do a 180 and be the bad guy.  Still, I don't discount anything and your point is well taken.

Quoted from mcornetto I didn’t like that the vampire was the professor. I had a feeling it was going to be him at the beginning, so it wasn’t a surprise. I think if you want it to be him we need to meet the professor earlier.

This was a mixed-bag element.  He was not originally part of the earlier drafts.  More thought will go into whether the professor can work more effectively.

Quoted from mcornetto I can’t figure out why they let him go - doesn’t make sense to me – but you managed to end it nicely.

Hmm, does it work? Or does it not work?  Rudy survives because the vampires need a fall guy.  Somebody has to take the blame for the murders.  Killing him serves no purpose to the vampires.  They exist by not being obvious.  Rudy has brought attention to them and their resting grounds.  They want the authorities to nab this guy.
Rudy rationalizes that he is doing God's work and thus, cannot be harmed.  Because he survives, he believes that he is invincible.  

Quoted from mcornetto pg 7. Hey, I’m cool. Perfectly happy with my arrangement, thank you. I don't understand what he means by his arrangement in this context. It confused me.

Rudy's going along with this so-called job. He only means that he was quoted a certain sum of payment.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 12. I've kind of at this point decided that Rudy is not a threat and may even be gay. The first because he's convinced me he knows the professor and the second because he called her girlfriend. Not even metros call women girlfriend.  Entire shallow second reason but all I have to go on...And by the end of the page he has confused me.  I would really rework this page and reconsider the use of girlfriend. Or if your trying to make him go weird then I guess you succeeded.

Maybe Gay? Wow. Haha.  Not intended. His use of "girlfriend" was just there to act cocky.  To get under Dawn's skin.  He is feeling her out, psychologically.  You know, find out which buttons she doesn't want pushed.

Quoted from mcornetto pg 30. crocadile/crocodile pg 33. taught/taut

Ha. No spell check, no grammar check.  Busted!

Quoted from mcornetto pg 33. For the love of God, kid, nobody else needs to die. - Too melodramatic for a cop except in older movies.

Well, he's an old guy.  Probably likes old cop movies.  OK, OK, this was waaay over.  Point taken.

This is one of those stories that has a lot of pivotal points that make or break the story.  It wasn't intended to be this way, but you know how that goes.   It's way over-written and I infused the story with too much stuff -- religious junk -- that ultimately makes it overwritten, sag in spots and adds to a certain confusion.
Again Michael, I appreciate the read and your insightful comments.  As with any good critique, you have uncovered some nasty pitfalls, while opening my eyes to new possibilities.   You've got me thinking and that's good.

Abe

Quoted from Abe from LA Rudy survives because the vampires need a fall guy.  Somebody has to take the blame for the murders.  Killing him serves no purpose to the vampires.  They exist by not being obvious.  Rudy has brought attention to them and their resting grounds.  They want the authorities to nab this guy.

I actually got that the day after writing this, so it works.

Hey Abe,

Just finished Neck of the Woods and while its got some potential, and a couple of excellent scenes, I found it...to be frank, a little boring. I'll get to why in a minute but first the positive thing.

The writing. Overall I thought it was very good. You laid out the visuals very clearly which made the script real easy to follow. Your vocabulary is quite impressive which makes the sentences varied and imaginative. Be careful though of not getting too coy with your descriptions. A blast of stars in the north sky? Please. To the south hangs A moon? Unless I haven't been keeping up on current events, Earth still only got ONE moon, right?

Now to the not so positive things, the areas I feel have room for improvement.

The main plot is basic enough, the vampires needs a fall guy, fine, but for a 40-pager this script packs surprisingly little substance. I mean, not much happens for the first 30 pages. They talk and drive and that's pretty much it. You don't switch in to the second act until around page 30 and that's simply too late. In a 40-page script, the second act should hit at about page 10, the third act around page 30-35. Here the second and third act come right on top of each other. I probably wouldn't have minded it so much if the characters were interesting but they seemed so much a like. Both trash talk each other in the same way for the better part of 30 pages and most of it doesn't move the story forward. And that's the key - every scene must move the story forward. Here, I feel, you have a lot of unnecessary scenes that doesn't tell us much new about Dawn or Rudy.

This script has very dialogue heavy and because of that, the dialogue seems repetitive. I don't mean the actual wording but the context. It's a case of less is more. A picture speaks a thousand words so there's no need for dialogue that can be showed through action instead. Personally, I would cut at least 10 pages of the, imo, more or less pointless banter. Sure, some of it works but once you've established that Dawn's a hardass and that Rudy's a dumb hardass then move on, get the story rolling.

Format is solid but I don't feel you need to actually state that the final newscast takes place six hours from now. I think it's pretty obvious that the newscast takes place later when you look at the action surrounding it.

Anyway, my two cents.

You've definitely got a good idea here but it need some work imo.


Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read, Sniper.

This story got varied opinions.
It did fairly well in one short comp about 3 years ago.  Others just don't like the way it plays out. LOL.
I've yet to fix the most obvious problems.  I agree that it needs to be chopped down to about 25 pages or so.
It was written with 1 thought in mind.  Something I could film on no budget.
Of course, the SFX stuff, aka monster scenes, would be a challenge

Quoted from sniper Be careful though of not getting too coy with your descriptions. A blast of stars in the north sky? Please. To the south hangs A moon? Unless I haven't been keeping up on current events, Earth still only got ONE moon, right?

Yeah, I've been busted for this by at least a couple of other readers.  Such is life...

Quoted from sniper ...but for a 40-pager this script packs surprisingly little substance. I mean, not much happens for the first 30 pages. They talk and drive and that's pretty much it.

Ha.  Well, again, this was part of the no budget emphasis.  I have no idea why I overwrote what I now think is a 20-25 page story at most.  In fact, it might be even go under 20 once the excess is removed.

Quoted from sniper You don't switch in to the second act until around page 30 and that's simply too late. In a 40-page script, the second act should hit at about page 10, the third act around page 30-35. Here the second and third act come right on top of each other.

You're the first to nail me on the lateness of the 2nd/3rd acts.  They are something of a concern and if I were to rewrite this from scratch, I would chop out a chunk of the talkiness and speed up the action.

Quoted from sniper Format is solid but I don't feel you need to actually state that the final newscast takes place six hours from now. I think it's pretty obvious that the newscast takes place later when you look at the action surrounding it.

Others had problem with this time shift thing, too.  Originally I didn't have it in the story and some people couldn't figure out when things were taking place.  So I went back and tried to make it clear what I was doing.  I guess it will always be one of those things that some people get intuitively and others will not.

Quoted from sniper You've definitely got a good idea here but it need some work imo.

I think there is potential here, but over the years I've grown less enamored with the original concept.  Now as I look back at it, Neck seems more of an exercise.  The best thing I can say about it is that I've learned from it.
Again, thanks for the read and the sharp critique. All points are appreciated and help in the honing of one's craft.

Regards,

Abe

I didn't get a chance to read over all the other comments, so forgive me if I mention things that have already been mentioned to death.  Also, I apoligize for the shortness of it as I'm trying to get it in before OWC, when I'll be too busy to review it.

Quoted Text To the south hangs a moon, like a cut tooth.

What does that even mean?  Also, it's a little too flowery for my taste.

You might as well mention their names when introducing them -- it's just a waste of space when you have to introduce them later.

I think the news on the radio early on in the story is way too convenient.  We pretty much get everything we need to know about the serial killer from their exchanges anyway.

The characters go from balls out swearing to using pseudo-profanity ("heck", "freakin'") and back again.  I think you should keep it consistent, instead of jumping back and forth.

I think it's a little long.  I think you should go back and trim a good portion of their dialogue and try and at least get this down to 30 pages.  This should be pretty easy as some of the dialogue is kinda unnecessary (the horror stories they tell each other could be cut easily).

I think you explain way too much at the end.  It almost feels like you're jamming it all in there to avoid us readers barraging you with plot hole assumptions.

I could add more but I'm sure it's all been said before.  So, I'll end this review by saying your formatting was pretty much top notch (although you could easily combine some things to drop the page count considerably) and the story was pretty good for the most part and I enjoyed guessing who was who and finding out the reveals at the end (even though I pretty much guessed everything right).

If I ever see a new script of yours, I'll try to be the first to post a review on it, so I can give you a big review.  

Thanks for the read, Jesse.
The cut tooth is just that, a flowery description. Ha.
Nothing more.
I'll take your suggestions under advisement and push forward.
Actually I tried to resurrect this story into something that works better.
If you see this again, it'll be different.
Now on to the OWC.