Hey Breanne, and Helio,
Thanks for taking the time to read this short. It has changed quite a bit from the produced version.
I'm glad you thought this was an enjoyable read. Thanks for finding the type o's.
Dang! Those things sure are a pain.
I think I will do another rewrite, and work on Lucian's character a bit. Turn him into a sort of demon man whose horns grow when he gets upset, and also have the bat at the end with little demon horns. LOL

Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Cindy

I had one or two problems with theis script, Cindy.  One deals with your writing style (I may have brought it up when I commented on Halloween Games).

You like to use a lot of of very short scenes, many of which can be ommitted.  Every seen change is a reminder that you're reading a script.  The first of these scenes is on page one  (EXT.  COUNTRY SIDE -DAY).  There are numerous more through the script.  You should consider combining such scenes, making them longer in duration and fewer in number.

You have to put some dates in this script.  I wasn't sure when it took place until you mention Tattoo Magazine.  I have no idea when the opening scene took place.  A week ago?  A year ago?  A century ago?

Now for some questions regarding story logic:

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Why didn't Dracula's blood in the stake burn with the rest of his body?

How did Lucian know where to find the stake and, if Lucian was centuries after Dracula, would there be a stake?

Why would Lucian be so careful with the stake in the first few pages, only to hang it over the fireplace like a stuffed trout?

What is Lucian's motivation for doing something so dastardly?

I like your style, Cindy.  It reminds me of the classic horror movies.  You should consider writing a Dracula or a Frankenstein movie they way the originals were written.  You should actually try to find the old scripts and use them for a source.


Phil

Hey Cindy,

I enjoyed your script but had a few questions but having read dogglebe's comments, I think everything i was gonna say has been done so.

The date thing got me too, I thought this was set century's ago until about half way through.

Good though, I liked it.

Hey Phil,
Thank you for taking the time to read this kooky little script of mine. I'm working on a rewrite, and your comments give me a lot to think about.
I'll work on those little scenes and see what I can come up with.
I see your point as for the time. It is all set in modern day.
As for why the stake didn't burn, well, then there wouldn't be a story. Maybe I'll turn that into a flash burn of the vampire that extinguishes itself quickly.
I've changed the story with Lucian as to why he did this in my rewrite.
As for mounting it above the fireplace, well, he put it there for safety sake, and as a trophy of his accomplishment with the ink.

Thanks again, Phil. I'll be working on this one some more.
I wonder if there's Dracula, and Frankenstein scripts here to see? Have to check that out...

Cindy      


alffy,
Thanks for taking the time to read the script. Like I told Phil, I'll be doing a rewrite.  

Cindy
  

I read this because the screenplay i'm working on, which is my first, is a vampire flick.  Unlike yours though I've set it in the 18 hundreds, possibly a mistake for a my first venture into screenwriting cos the dialogues a bitch (parden my language), this could be why it's taking me so long to finish. lol

This was an good read. The story took a while to reveal what Lucian's plan was and I think it suffered somewhat as a result but the overall premise was very good. An interesting, but more importantly, original take on the vampire mythos. I also really enjoyed your twist. I was impressed on how you were able to use one word to kick things up a notch. I also like the ending with the bats. It went along well with the tongue-in-cheek approach you brought to this story. All in all, a pretty decent read but I'd say you need to speed things up in the begining. It couldn't hurt. A short's called a short for a reason. Anyway, good job, Cindy.

Hey alfy,
Thanks for giving this one a read. 1800's? Good luck with it.  

James,
I wanted to keep this one close to what could be a 30 minute show for Halloween. I'm working on a rewrite. Thanks for reading my script.

Cindy

This story appealed to me a little more than Damned Yankee, but I feel that the writing in Damned Yankee was better. I can't explain to you why, my English prevents me from being articulate and it's frustrating as hell. You're just going to have to believe me. I'm telling you how I feel.

SPOILERS:

I liked how it started out in the middle of an action scene and you set the tone well.

A little descriptive perhaps at times. It doesn't bother me, but I've been told I do that too.

I liked the genius/idiot pairing of Lucian and Teodor. For some reason I was picturing Teodor as Marty Feldman in Silent Movie.

I liked how it ended just like it started with Lucian and Teodor except for them being bats at the end of course.

I didn't really see the revenge part in the story, but I liked the idea of the ink/tattoo thing. I like when people spread evil, lol. Not in real life of course, but in movies I do.

My only problem with the story would be "why?". Other than that it worked for me.
This was an amusing horror story.

Hi Pia,
Thank you for reading my script.
The two of us have something in common... My English prevents me from being articulate, too.   I don't have much of an education, but I love to write.

I finished the rewrite for this one, took out some of the thunder, and made Lucian a devil/demon whose horns sprout, and grow from his forehead when he gets extremely angry. Dracula was one of Lucian's friends, and he vowed to get even with the world...

Anyway, thanks again for reading it.  

Cindy

This was a very cool and fresh script. It reminded me a lot of the old time horror movies, which is awesome.  I am a big fan of Dracula and Frankenstein, and this is like a perfect mixture of the two. I must also give you credit for making a thoughtful horror script that is not overly violent or gory, which I thought couldn't be done anymore. This is barely even a PG probably, if that. Very cool.

A couple problems though. The opening sentence, "the world is silent as plump" - I think you mean AND plump.

pg 3 - You said he'll get blood poisoning, I think you mean ink poisoning.

This, I also think would work a lot better if it was set in Dracula's day. I thought it was set in the seventeen or eighteen hundreds at first, then the early nineteen hundreds, but there are a few clues pointing that it's more recent. i.e. phones, tattoos in general, naming the cities, etc. I think it's more useful if it was set back a few years.
Also, since his great, great, uncle's steak is still stuck in the same place, with the same ashes still there? Seems a little far fetched. I think it'd be more effective for Dracula to be his brother or something, and have the steak find more recently to Dracula's death, like a few days after.

But other than that, I liked it a lot. I liked teodor's character a lot. I thought the scene where he didn't answer the man's question if it was a nice day was very clever and funny. I even think you could elaborate on the story a little more and make it longer.

Hey Steven,

Thanks for giving this one a read.

Ink poisioning? Hum, I've never heard of that. I used blood poisioning because that's what happens with lead pencils, and blood with the vampire, ya know...

A lot of people have questioned the date for this one. I'll have to make it clearer in the next rewrite... I have done another rewrite and had Dracula as Lucian's friend. In that rewrite, the stake is found the next day, too.

Maybe one day I'll add more to this one, turn it into a feature.

Thanks again for giving it a read.

Cindy  

Quoted from CindyLKeller Ink poisioning? Hum, I've never heard of that. I used blood poisioning because that's what happens with lead pencils, and blood with the vampire, ya know...

perhaps I just misconstrued the situation. I thought he was using an ink pen, right? If he was then it would be ink poisoning. The same way lead from a pencil would be lead poisoning. Alcohol would be alcohol poisoning, etc. Now if he got sick from drinking blood, then I guess that would be blood poisoning.

LOL

Here is the score and feedback that I recieved from Gimme Credit Screenplay Competition.   72/100



                                Judge 1                 Judge 2
Characters                      8                         8
Dialogue                         8                         6
Character                        8                         8
Feasibility                        7                         6
Ending                            7                          6

I liked this story except for the ending.  i was a little confused. Two well drawn out characters. Page turner with great descriptions.

Interesting story though I am unsure about the ending. Appreciate the world that was created - very visual.  

This question is for either you Cyndi or Phil.

Do they say anything at all beyond what you have posted here?

Do they mention format at all?

I have read a few shorts now that were winners at some of the contests, by professional writers. Some things in their screenplays people here would jump on them about.

Just curious....