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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tattoo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tattoo by Cindy L. Keller - Short - When a demon learns of Dracula's death, he vows to get even with the world. He plots, experiments, and comes up with the perfect plan, but in doing so he takes his eyes off of his bumbling sidekick. 19 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  July 14th, 2008, 7:55pm
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Alan_Holman
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this.  One of my favourite parts was "paper, scissors, rock" because it reminded me of tests in a vampire Live Action Role Play I used to play.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Alan,
Wow! I think this is the first script of mine that you've commented on... I think... I might be wrong, though. I've lost my mind before.

In this rewrite I wanted to make it more pre-teen friendly, a little on the lighter side.

Glad you liked it. That made my day.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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hey Cindy,

This was a great read, there was a lot of humor along with the horror element ,I liked it a lot.

I loved the name Lucian, I think if I have a son that would be a good name...LOL

The rock paper scissors bit was very original, good job there.

I had a feeling Teodor was gonna do something with that stake, he reminded me of renfield, or however you spell it, from Dracula.

The ending was a gem, good job there

all in all this was a fun read.  keep up the good work


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michel
Posted: June 29th, 2006, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Cindy, how amazing this script coming from you, very far from A Song In My Heart.

anyway, I did like it and I really enjoy your style (as usual)

I could perfectly figure Lucian and Teodor as Abbot and Costello.

Great ending

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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theboywhocouldfly,
Thank you for taking the time to read my little script. Glad you liked it. I toyed around with a couple different things within the last year for this one, let them sit, then decided to change it around so it could be enjoyable to a wider audience should it ever get produced.
I just found out I have another grandchild on the way.  
I suggested the name Lucian to my daughter. She just looked at me wide-eyed like I was crazy. LOL It's a different name, and I think it's a very strong male name. I know she will come up with a good one.


Michel,
Yes, Abbot and Costello crossed my mind, too. My dream actors for this one would be Christopher Walken and Danny DeVito. That would be too cool!
I'm glad you like my style. I'm not much on blood and guts. I like the older horror like Frankenstein, Dracula... but then again, I like Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Mel Brooks movies, too. I guess this short was my way of mixing them all together with something original.

Thanks for reading.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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michel
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
I guess this short was my way of mixing them all together with something original.


You did it with talent

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 7:43am Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Michel.  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Mr.Z
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*

This was kind of funny. Somehow, Lucian and Teodor reminded me of Pinky and the Brain. The genius-dumb couple is kind of used, but you wrote them well here and it worked. This couple gave this script the pre-teen friendly tone you intended.

Lucian’s plan, while a bit crazy, was somehow original and I liked it. A nice bend between ancient (vampirism) and modern (tattoo).

Nothing important to bust you on, just a couple of details.

Give us the ages of Teodor and Lucian

“Lucian, a man with no patience”. This can’t be recorded by the camera and there’s no way we can conclude this at first sight of him. His patience or lack of it should be made clear by his actions and dialogue. And you did a good job in showing his impatience, so I’d say you should loose the quoted line.

P4 Lucian: “That’s it! Idiot! You’re a genus!” Hahah! Funny line. Watch for the typo at the end.

Lots of “Thunder crashes somewhere in the distance.” One or two should be enough to set the mood.

“INSERT HEADLINE: VAMPIRES”
Avoid camera directions like the plague; they’re very frowned upon in spec scripts.

Try something like: “The headline reads: VAMPIRES”.

Lucian keeps insulting Teodor even as a Bat, hahah, very funny.

Nothing more to add, good job Cindy.



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CindyLKeller
Posted: June 30th, 2006, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr. Z,
Thanks for taking the time to read this silly, little short.
Thanks for pointing out a couple things to me. As always the fresh eyes are better at catching mistakes.
As for the thunder, I wanted it to be in a lot of scenes just to add a little "umph". LOL

Thanks again for taking the time to read it. I have to get busy reading scripts, too.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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surferchicky92
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy,

i really enjoyed your script. It had some really wonderful imagery in it (the cumulus clouds) nad I loved the characters. I sent you an e-mail regarding copyrighting questions,  if that's all right.

Alanah~
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bert
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, is this different from the original version.  But your two Transylvanian characters really shine here in a way the previous version did not allow.

You still aren't using CAPS as effectively as you might, or short sentences.

For the second line of this piece, try:

A man SCREAMS in terror.

Lose the "from below".  I mean, obviously, right?

"Idiot!  You're a genius!"  That's a great line.

OK, by page 8 I am starting to think we might be overdoing it a bit with the thunder and lightning.  But the one after the newspaper headline on page 10 should stay.

This one ends with a great punchline.  The bats are really funny, and it suits both characters perfectly.

You really took this in a different direction this time.  But given the new conclusion to this story, a comment occurs to me now that did not occur to me before.

Why is it that Lucian is doing this?  I don't think "revenge" is quite enough for this version.  If Dracula is his "ancestor", why is he not a vampire?  And why would he seek to incite the spread of vampirism?  Does he want to be a vampire himself?  If not, why is he doing this?  And if he does, why not use a little of the ink on himself?

Anyways, I am maybe (probably) thinking too hard on this, but am just tossing it out there as another aspect of Lucian's character you might want to explore if you ever return for subsequent revisions.  "Cute" horror stories may be a pretty limited subgenre, but I gotta say that you are my favorite girl doing them.  Nice work, Cindy.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 2nd, 2006, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Alanah,
Glad you liked the script, but I didn't receive an e-mail from you. ???

Bert,
Thanks for your comments. I guess if I decide to do another rewrite on this one, I'll have to check the thunder, since you're not the only one who mentioned it.

I did do quite a change to this one. I did it with one thought in my mind, my grandkids, and thought this would be something they would like to see.

The question about Lucian crossed my mind, too. If I do another rewrite, maybe devil horns will grow on his head when he gets angry. ???

Thanks for taking the time to read it.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Cindy. I read this.

This is cute in a very bizarre way. It seems to me that it would work best as an animated short.

Someone already mentioned the genus - genius on P4. Here are a couple more:

P6 - power - powder

P11 - Lucian glares (at) the mailbag.

I thought Lucian was a vampire until he said he was cold. Then I wasn’t sure whether he was a vampire and you made a mistake or if he was an ordinary person.

Someone else already mentioned the formula of the taller dominating man and his dimwitted sidekick. But this does have its own original take on it.

The lightning thing was overused. I know this was already mentioned but I wanted to reinforce it. It was overused and the exact same wording was used too much.

The line: Thunder crashes somewhere in the distance - appears in that exact wording 8 times in the script. That causes a sort of “copy and paste” feel. And you also have other variations of the phrase as well. Bert had an idea with placing them more strategically. And maybe change the wording up on some of those 8 identical ones.

Overall though, it was cute, funny and enjoyable.

Brea



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Helio
Posted: July 3rd, 2006, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy! Great characthers Teodor and Lucian !

It reminded me something with Marty Feldman, Abbot&Costello and many others great comedy stars.

You did it very well for me, of course that it had many others little things to coment, but I'll let it to my friends Breanne, Bert and others that alread commented your script with property.

Using Brea last words...

It was funny and enjoyable!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 5th, 2006, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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Hey Breanne, and Helio,
Thanks for taking the time to read this short. It has changed quite a bit from the produced version.
I'm glad you thought this was an enjoyable read. Thanks for finding the type o's.
Dang! Those things sure are a pain.
I think I will do another rewrite, and work on Lucian's character a bit. Turn him into a sort of demon man whose horns grow when he gets upset, and also have the bat at the end with little demon horns. LOL

Thanks again for reading and commenting.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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dogglebe
Posted: July 6th, 2006, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I had one or two problems with theis script, Cindy.  One deals with your writing style (I may have brought it up when I commented on Halloween Games).

You like to use a lot of of very short scenes, many of which can be ommitted.  Every seen change is a reminder that you're reading a script.  The first of these scenes is on page one  (EXT.  COUNTRY SIDE -DAY).  There are numerous more through the script.  You should consider combining such scenes, making them longer in duration and fewer in number.

You have to put some dates in this script.  I wasn't sure when it took place until you mention Tattoo Magazine.  I have no idea when the opening scene took place.  A week ago?  A year ago?  A century ago?

Now for some questions regarding story logic:

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

Why didn't Dracula's blood in the stake burn with the rest of his body?

How did Lucian know where to find the stake and, if Lucian was centuries after Dracula, would there be a stake?

Why would Lucian be so careful with the stake in the first few pages, only to hang it over the fireplace like a stuffed trout?

What is Lucian's motivation for doing something so dastardly?

I like your style, Cindy.  It reminds me of the classic horror movies.  You should consider writing a Dracula or a Frankenstein movie they way the originals were written.  You should actually try to find the old scripts and use them for a source.


Phil



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alffy
Posted: July 6th, 2006, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

I enjoyed your script but had a few questions but having read dogglebe's comments, I think everything i was gonna say has been done so.

The date thing got me too, I thought this was set century's ago until about half way through.

Good though, I liked it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 7th, 2006, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Phil,
Thank you for taking the time to read this kooky little script of mine. I'm working on a rewrite, and your comments give me a lot to think about.
I'll work on those little scenes and see what I can come up with.
I see your point as for the time. It is all set in modern day.
As for why the stake didn't burn, well, then there wouldn't be a story. Maybe I'll turn that into a flash burn of the vampire that extinguishes itself quickly.
I've changed the story with Lucian as to why he did this in my rewrite.
As for mounting it above the fireplace, well, he put it there for safety sake, and as a trophy of his accomplishment with the ink.

Thanks again, Phil. I'll be working on this one some more.
I wonder if there's Dracula, and Frankenstein scripts here to see? Have to check that out...

Cindy      


alffy,
Thanks for taking the time to read the script. Like I told Phil, I'll be doing a rewrite.  

Cindy
  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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alffy
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I read this because the screenplay i'm working on, which is my first, is a vampire flick.  Unlike yours though I've set it in the 18 hundreds, possibly a mistake for a my first venture into screenwriting cos the dialogues a bitch (parden my language), this could be why it's taking me so long to finish. lol


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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James McClung
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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This was an good read. The story took a while to reveal what Lucian's plan was and I think it suffered somewhat as a result but the overall premise was very good. An interesting, but more importantly, original take on the vampire mythos. I also really enjoyed your twist. I was impressed on how you were able to use one word to kick things up a notch. I also like the ending with the bats. It went along well with the tongue-in-cheek approach you brought to this story. All in all, a pretty decent read but I'd say you need to speed things up in the begining. It couldn't hurt. A short's called a short for a reason. Anyway, good job, Cindy.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 9th, 2006, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey alfy,
Thanks for giving this one a read. 1800's? Good luck with it.  

James,
I wanted to keep this one close to what could be a 30 minute show for Halloween. I'm working on a rewrite. Thanks for reading my script.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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tomson
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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This story appealed to me a little more than Damned Yankee, but I feel that the writing in Damned Yankee was better. I can't explain to you why, my English prevents me from being articulate and it's frustrating as hell. You're just going to have to believe me. I'm telling you how I feel.

SPOILERS:

I liked how it started out in the middle of an action scene and you set the tone well.

A little descriptive perhaps at times. It doesn't bother me, but I've been told I do that too.

I liked the genius/idiot pairing of Lucian and Teodor. For some reason I was picturing Teodor as Marty Feldman in Silent Movie.

I liked how it ended just like it started with Lucian and Teodor except for them being bats at the end of course.

I didn't really see the revenge part in the story, but I liked the idea of the ink/tattoo thing. I like when people spread evil, lol. Not in real life of course, but in movies I do.

My only problem with the story would be "why?". Other than that it worked for me.
This was an amusing horror story.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 22nd, 2006, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,
Thank you for reading my script.
The two of us have something in common... My English prevents me from being articulate, too.   I don't have much of an education, but I love to write.

I finished the rewrite for this one, took out some of the thunder, and made Lucian a devil/demon whose horns sprout, and grow from his forehead when he gets extremely angry. Dracula was one of Lucian's friends, and he vowed to get even with the world...

Anyway, thanks again for reading it.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Steve-Dave
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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This was a very cool and fresh script. It reminded me a lot of the old time horror movies, which is awesome.  I am a big fan of Dracula and Frankenstein, and this is like a perfect mixture of the two. I must also give you credit for making a thoughtful horror script that is not overly violent or gory, which I thought couldn't be done anymore. This is barely even a PG probably, if that. Very cool.

A couple problems though. The opening sentence, "the world is silent as plump" - I think you mean AND plump.

pg 3 - You said he'll get blood poisoning, I think you mean ink poisoning.

This, I also think would work a lot better if it was set in Dracula's day. I thought it was set in the seventeen or eighteen hundreds at first, then the early nineteen hundreds, but there are a few clues pointing that it's more recent. i.e. phones, tattoos in general, naming the cities, etc. I think it's more useful if it was set back a few years.
Also, since his great, great, uncle's steak is still stuck in the same place, with the same ashes still there? Seems a little far fetched. I think it'd be more effective for Dracula to be his brother or something, and have the steak find more recently to Dracula's death, like a few days after.

But other than that, I liked it a lot. I liked teodor's character a lot. I thought the scene where he didn't answer the man's question if it was a nice day was very clever and funny. I even think you could elaborate on the story a little more and make it longer.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Thanks for giving this one a read.

Ink poisioning? Hum, I've never heard of that. I used blood poisioning because that's what happens with lead pencils, and blood with the vampire, ya know...

A lot of people have questioned the date for this one. I'll have to make it clearer in the next rewrite... I have done another rewrite and had Dracula as Lucian's friend. In that rewrite, the stake is found the next day, too.

Maybe one day I'll add more to this one, turn it into a feature.

Thanks again for giving it a read.

Cindy  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Steve-Dave
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Quoted from CindyLKeller
Ink poisioning? Hum, I've never heard of that. I used blood poisioning because that's what happens with lead pencils, and blood with the vampire, ya know...


perhaps I just misconstrued the situation. I thought he was using an ink pen, right? If he was then it would be ink poisoning. The same way lead from a pencil would be lead poisoning. Alcohol would be alcohol poisoning, etc. Now if he got sick from drinking blood, then I guess that would be blood poisoning.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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LOL


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 5th, 2006, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Here is the score and feedback that I recieved from Gimme Credit Screenplay Competition.   72/100



                                Judge 1                 Judge 2
Characters                      8                         8
Dialogue                         8                         6
Character                        8                         8
Feasibility                        7                         6
Ending                            7                          6

I liked this story except for the ending.  i was a little confused. Two well drawn out characters. Page turner with great descriptions.

Interesting story though I am unsure about the ending. Appreciate the world that was created - very visual.  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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tomson
Posted: October 5th, 2006, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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This question is for either you Cyndi or Phil.

Do they say anything at all beyond what you have posted here?

Do they mention format at all?

I have read a few shorts now that were winners at some of the contests, by professional writers. Some things in their screenplays people here would jump on them about.

Just curious....
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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 5th, 2006, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia,
Although there was no mention of format, I think they would have to take that into consideration.



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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