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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  God's Nursery Moderators: bert
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  Author    God's Nursery  (currently 3024 views)
alffy
Posted: January 30th, 2007, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Good luck in getting it produced and keep us updated, so if it does we can all have gander at it.

I had hopes of my ' The Big Stiff' being produced by some students on your side of the pond but they decided against it in the end, shame really.

Anyway good look with it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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tomson
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Spencer,

I just listened to the iScript of this one (on the SS home page).

I think they did a good job.

A well written story and very sad. Scary too for new parents.

I definitely think you can enter this one to some contests.

Good Luck!!
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 15th, 2007, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Spencer,

I just listened to your iscript. It was sad. Extremely sad...

I went ahead and read the script. I see that you have final draft on the first page so I don't know if you are planning to do any more to this one or not.

These are my thoughts on the script, so if you disagree, then just ignore them, but I think this could be fleshed out just a little bit, and still remain under 10 pages.

I think the script is too sad. I know it's about death, and the worst kind of death possible... The death of a baby...

But wouldn't the mother or father remember more of the happy times with the child, like playing with the child?  Making faces... Talking baby talk... Seeing the child for the first time together at the hospital nursery?

I know I would, and I think I would be wondering what the child's future would have been like, too.

Like I said, these are just my thoughts.

It's neat that it's an iscript. I enjoy listening to these, but it was just so darned sad...

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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spencerforhire
Posted: September 17th, 2007, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Cindy and Pia for listening to the iScript. I really thought those guys did a marvelous job.

Thank you Pia.

Cindy. This was just a script I decided to write on Saturday afternoon after surfing around google and landing on some SIDS sites. The entire story is suppose to be told through the mothers eyes and at the final moments of Ben's life before they close the casket forever. I always try to place myself in my character shoes. I try to feel what they might feel.

Thank you for your comments. As always, I appreciate any review I can get which helps me grow as a writer. Your comments were well taken.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 19th, 2007, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Spencer,

Congrats on making it to the next round in the American Gem.  

I'm right there with you with my script "Damned Yankee".  

September 27th now.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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sniper
Posted: September 19th, 2007, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Spencer,

I'm a father to two lovely kids and losing a child would obviously be the worst nightmare. I think you managed to capture the essence of a parents grief spot on and I think the way you kept flashback'ing worked really well. It gave the story momentum while never growing "Little House on the Prairie" sweet.

My only beef is with the dialogue, especially the V.O.'s. IMO you could do without them. I think you managed to convey Azriel's grief (and Brandon's to a certain extent) just fine without the voiceovers. The V.O.'s made it overkill (no pun intended), and while they might sound fine when you're watching a movie, they often disrupt the flow when you're reading a script.

The scene where Azriel wakes up in the middle of the night could use some finesse IMO. It seems rather staged the way she wakes up and goes "I haven't heard Ben. It's past two. He's usually fussy and raring to eat by now". It's simply not believable in my book. I mean, who wakes up a sleeping infant to feed him? I can't quite make any sense of that. Parents will often count themselves lucky if they can get a full night sleep when a baby is in the house. I know me and my wife did - but my youngest had colic as a baby so that ruled out any sleep what so ever.

Anyways, my two cents worth. All in all a good read.

Cheers
Rob




Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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