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I just listened to your iscript. It was sad. Extremely sad...
I went ahead and read the script. I see that you have final draft on the first page so I don't know if you are planning to do any more to this one or not.
These are my thoughts on the script, so if you disagree, then just ignore them, but I think this could be fleshed out just a little bit, and still remain under 10 pages.
I think the script is too sad. I know it's about death, and the worst kind of death possible... The death of a baby...
But wouldn't the mother or father remember more of the happy times with the child, like playing with the child? Making faces... Talking baby talk... Seeing the child for the first time together at the hospital nursery?
I know I would, and I think I would be wondering what the child's future would have been like, too.
Like I said, these are just my thoughts.
It's neat that it's an iscript. I enjoy listening to these, but it was just so darned sad...
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Thank you Cindy and Pia for listening to the iScript. I really thought those guys did a marvelous job.
Thank you Pia.
Cindy. This was just a script I decided to write on Saturday afternoon after surfing around google and landing on some SIDS sites. The entire story is suppose to be told through the mothers eyes and at the final moments of Ben's life before they close the casket forever. I always try to place myself in my character shoes. I try to feel what they might feel.
Thank you for your comments. As always, I appreciate any review I can get which helps me grow as a writer. Your comments were well taken.
Congrats on making it to the next round in the American Gem.
I'm right there with you with my script "Damned Yankee".
September 27th now.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
I'm a father to two lovely kids and losing a child would obviously be the worst nightmare. I think you managed to capture the essence of a parents grief spot on and I think the way you kept flashback'ing worked really well. It gave the story momentum while never growing "Little House on the Prairie" sweet.
My only beef is with the dialogue, especially the V.O.'s. IMO you could do without them. I think you managed to convey Azriel's grief (and Brandon's to a certain extent) just fine without the voiceovers. The V.O.'s made it overkill (no pun intended), and while they might sound fine when you're watching a movie, they often disrupt the flow when you're reading a script.
The scene where Azriel wakes up in the middle of the night could use some finesse IMO. It seems rather staged the way she wakes up and goes "I haven't heard Ben. It's past two. He's usually fussy and raring to eat by now". It's simply not believable in my book. I mean, who wakes up a sleeping infant to feed him? I can't quite make any sense of that. Parents will often count themselves lucky if they can get a full night sleep when a baby is in the house. I know me and my wife did - but my youngest had colic as a baby so that ruled out any sleep what so ever.
Anyways, my two cents worth. All in all a good read.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load