Thanks mgj. That puts a lot of things into persepctive now. I have to add one final thing though that I forgot and everything will be good to go.

Gabriel

Not quite sure I really understood this, I'll try and tell yu what I thought could use a change.

Get rid of the daughter asking the mother to leave her dinner in the microwave, that just sounds snobby.  Instead, why not have her tell her mom to not worry about dinner, she has alreadye eaten.  For some reason that line seemed really unnatural to me.

Sorry I cant really offer anything more, but I didn't really understand. I'll try to re-read it and hopefully pay more attention, so that I understand and can offer a better eview some time tomihgt, but for now, i hope that helped a little.  

No prob. Thanks for the read though and suggestion. I'll look into tit. I have started reading your work already. I'm going to read a bit more today and review tomorrow.


Gabriel

SPOILERS, potentially.



I was a bit intimidated by the amount of action lines at once, but I understand it's a necessity.

And while it's in the front of my mind, I got confused towards the middle with the names. I forgot that the father was James because after his introduction we don't actually see him for awhile... so I had to scroll up and double take.

Then I had to do the same thing for the names of the burglars. By the way, there are three burglars (Paul, Edward, and Patrick) right? But I only see two of them get dispatched. Did Paul escape? I assume James got to him but it's just not shown... but you should show it.

I think the overall idea works, but I'd probably enjoy it more at the final product than as a script. This goes back to my first comment, though.

Thanks for the read. I'll looking into that idea. It was good to hear from a reader. I am trying to see if I can film this but I am unsure if i can due to time and other projects in working progress.

Gabriel

I filmed a five-page script with no money for free in one week. (And it would've been more than watchable had I been able to have a little more time to re-write the script/shoot other scenes.) But this was for a contest.

Anyway, all I needed was craigslist. Lots of people are willing to work for credit and copy, myself included.

Thanks for the info. I'll investigate more about that. I also wanted to let you know that I'll start reading your script over the weekend. Don't think I forgot. I'm also reading another script for someone else, but I'm closely done with it.

Gabriel

As promised here's my review:

SPOILERS

First of all I wanna say I think you write well; intelligble descriptions and concise for the most part.

I only read the first page of comments, so if my criticism is reiteration of what others said, I'm sorry.

The first thing I noticed was how you use 5-6 lines to describe the family, and yet I don't really know how they look.
I think you could probably save a lot of space and time by writing something like:

Several picture frames hang on the wall. They show a loving family of AMANDA, late-teens, attractive, EMMA, late-thirties, and JAMES, early forties, glasses with a kind smile.

Or something like that. It can be condensed when you consider this is only ten pages long.

Mind you, I?m just making up their ages, because I couldn?t really tell from your story how old ?young? and ?Older? is?

Like Bert I also wondered what they were doing there. I feel maybe they needed a purpose, since you decide to give them names.

I needed a bit more information or context to make the ending satisfactory. What were they looking for in the house? Why did he kill them? Just a hint as to what changed in James since he?s introduced to us through a harmonious picture (kind smile). Maybe elaborate a bit more in the daughter?s phone conversation?

You have a very visual touch though, I didn?t really catch the symbolism of the color sequence, but I could tell you had the entire story in your head. That came through nicely.

I also liked the Panic-Roomish cop sequence (that's how I saw it anyway).

All in all I liked the story, I thought there was suspense all the way through, but as I said, I think you need to make it a bit more clear what's actually going on, because the ending left me stumped.

Thank you for your review. It's not a problem, if you reiterate some points made before. It actually helps since it makes more apparent to me what I really need to fix.


"First of all I wanna say I think you write well; intelligble descriptions and concise for the most part."

I'm an english major so that explains my concise and intelligble descriptions.

"I only read the first page of comments, so if my criticism is reiteration of what others said, I'm sorry."

Most of the past comments were on two past drafts I did for the script. The first was a real let down and the second improved to a alright status. This one I can actually say is better on the count of all the previous reviews.

"The first thing I noticed was how you use 5-6 lines to describe the family, and yet I don't really know how they look.
I think you could probably save a lot of space and time by writing something like:

Several picture frames hang on the wall. They show a loving family of AMANDA, late-teens, attractive, EMMA, late-thirties, and JAMES, early forties, glasses with a kind smile."

I get your point of the family. Ill edit it. Thanks.

"Like Bert I also wondered what they were doing there. I feel maybe they needed a purpose, since you decide to give them names."

In my fourth draft I'm going to start  after finishing one other project, I think I am beginnning to formulaize a purpose. Thanks for hinting on that. I'm just afriad in going to deeply that the story becomes bad.

"You have a very visual touch though, I didn?t really catch the symbolism of the color sequence, but I could tell you had the entire story in your head. That came through nicely."

I enjoy visuals. I think of everything in movie fashion.


"I also liked the Panic-Roomish cop sequence (that's how I saw it anyway)."
It was intended for that. The story led me in that direction.

"All in all I liked the story, I thought there was suspense all the way through, but as I said, I think you need to make it a bit more clear what's actually going on, because the ending left me stumped."

I am very much overjoyed that you liked it. That's the first I've heard I was suspenseful. I would see in my later draft if I can make the ending more clearer.

Gabriel

Hi Gabriel,

As promised, I read your short and I can tell you I prefered the second draft, but several dark points (IMHO) remain.

*****************SPOILERS***********************

When JAMES starts to talk with the cops, you call him James but we never had the indication of his name before.

All the dialogs where James is talking to himself are useless. I'd rather see the cop telling him "Your daughter is waiting on the line". I think you did all these dialogs to accentuate James' madness (kinda Norman Bates double personnality) but show it us instead of that.

I would change the last James' line "Rock'n'Roll" into "Showtime". A rather funny line to end up a story.

Hope it'd help.

Michel

Thanks Michel for reading and fulfilling your promise. It helped alot by allowing me to recieve a different perspective of this story.

I can understand your preference. I was just following an advice given by a past comment that mentioned why could I not the reader to know its James already rather than keep it as a mysterious figure.

I'll look into the voice overs and compare with the second draft.

Gabriel

This was a good fast read.

SPOILERS-------------

I think you should give the robbers a little more personality and have them talk to each other some more. Maybe bicker or argue about something ya know?

-I don’t know if you’re directing this, but if you’re not then you should take out all of the camera directions and references to the audience.
-What’s a SCREAM mask?
-It wouldn’t hurt to give the ages of the three people in the picture.
-I like the knives reflection of Freddy Krueger’s face.
-You can take out he hears a familiar sound, police sirens – and just put in he hears police sirens.
-ENTERING HIS AND HIS WIFE’S BEDROOM – I’m not sure if this works as a location. You should probably just leave the entering in the action and just put his bedroom in caps.

Oh wait I understand the Scream mask now. It's from the movie Scream. Was their a point to the movie masks or was it just in there for the heck of it.

You have a lot of spec script no nos, but once again I don't know if you'll film it or not. And I really liked the transitions from black & white to color - that was cool.

I'm still not sure about the ending. What exactly happened?

I liked this script a lot and think it could be fun to actually watch.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the read TAnthony. I'll soon read your work. I'm close too getting it.

"think you should give the robbers a little more personality and have them talk to each other some more. Maybe bicker or argue about something ya know?"

My last few comments suggested this. I'll see what I can do with this aspect.

"I don’t know if you’re directing this, but if you’re not then you should take out all of the camera directions and references to the audience"

What camera directions? I have none.

"It wouldn’t hurt to give the ages of the three people in the picture."

Working on it.

"I like the knives reflection of Freddy Krueger’s face.'

Thank you. I was unconcerned if I should have placed it in. I guessed right.

I'll follow the rest of the formatting suggestions. The movie masks I thought brought some characterization to the robbers.

The spec numbers I am unsure about since I don't see any.

Many recent reviewers and even some past ones wonder what happened at the end. Well, the three robbers die. I'm against showing gore on movies since it is overused so I decided to approach it in that manner.

Thanks,
Gabriel

Sorry man,  I could've sworn to god I saw a few camera directions in the action paragraphs. These were some of the other formatting stuff I was talking about.

pg. 3 The SOUND of the door opening cuts to
pg. 4 A low CREAK sound comes from behind. Instinctually, Paul turns, and it cuts to.

You don't need to add the cut to's.

pg. 4 He hears a familiar sound in the far distance, police SIRENS.
How does the audience know its familiar?

Your formatting otherwise was very good.

No prob. Sorry it took long to respond. I'm going to be reading your script now. Thanks for catching those, I have to change it.

Gabriel