OK. So I am giving you my review as I read the script. I like it so far. The first thing I definitely think you should change is the that the man right here in the beginning is wearing a "Scream" mask. That has got to go. I really do like the way you write though. You put words together well and I think the words you choose to use are pretty good and help describe what you're trying to say. I like the fact that use big words, but I try to refrain from that because it can confuse people, like myself, lol. Overall, I thought it was pretty good. It was a bit confusing with all the flashbacks and stuff. I did like it though

Thanks mwr311. I've improved tremendously through this script. I'm planning to enter this one into contests.

I would like to ask why should I change the Scream mask for?

Thanks again.

Gabe

It's just old. It's been done before. The movie wore it out and those all those cheesy movies. Then Scary Movie. I mean, in my opinion the Scream mask is over used.

Gabriel,

You obviously have vision. That is something that definitely must be encouraged. I could tell that you could see what you were describing. The trouble is that I had difficulty understanding what you were seeing from your descriptions.  I think that you need to find a writing teacher or a mate that writes well – sit down with them and go over this script sentence by sentence. Learn what you can from them about crafting descriptions.

I can see from what you have written that you have the raw ability, you just need some sanding and a polish.

Now, as far as the script goes, I didn’t really see any story in the script. Sorry. I think I may have been too caught up in details of your writing to catch the overall story.  Perhaps if you correct the grammar issues and post it again, I will find a story then.

Cheers and good luck.
  
Pg1
Closely next to it.  You don’t need closely.
A television remote is faced downward - is not active.
I think it is face down not faced down but it doesn’t really matter – means the same thing.
close by footsteps?  I think you need to reword this.
A black gloved hand picks it up. And the MELODY stops. This would be more effective if you get rid of the And.
Holding the snow globe is a man wearing a “SCREAM” mask. His name is EDWARD.
EDWARD (description) raises the snow globe, and then throws it at the ground.
Get rid of the “scream” mask!
Edward crosses to the bookshelf…
I won’t keep rewriting it, I think you might get the idea by now.
Pg 2
Indistinct newsprint surrounds the picture.
Titles such as
The torn edges of the newspaper article are uneven.
Pictures vary from small to big or none at all. They focus on James…
I’m rewriting again. I hate doing that, but it’s forcing me to do it. Sorry. I’m really going to stop this time.
Pg 3
Freddy Krueger wears a mask? Oh, the mask looks like Freddy. Is this mask thing important?
Becomes clouded is not active.
Patrick doesn’t next move, he moves.
Dialogue does not flow well.
Pg 4
They serve for.. speech. Rework. This doesn’t make sense.
Neither of Patrick’s dialogues on this page work.
Knives
staring diagonally downward. – you are concentrating too much on directing. This is ok if you have a good reason. This particular reason is not a good one.
tiredly; tiredly. And, yes, I’m getting there.
Pg 5
Try not to use more than one semicolon in a sentence. You can usually chop up your sentence and use a period instead.
Bearable – can we see bearable?  Bad word choice because it is a value judgment.
How can a vehicle be B&W and green?
Pg 6
I suppose you can get away with silver.
AMANDA. She’s ever more attractive in person than in the photos. – She is? That’s nice.
A second goes by but a few seconds go by.
Pg 6
She heads towards the silver car and opens the door and enters. Too many ands.
Paul gazes at the picture. Lose the still.
All of this turning is making me dizzy. Why does he have to turn? (I do the same thing and I get upset with myself for doing it too.)  
Pg 7
Patrick draws a small revolver out from under his shirt.
Lose the suddenly. We can tell when it’s happening.
Pg 8
Paul cautiously inspects the room before moving to the open window. He looks out. Nothing.
Just in general, rather than using he walks out, he walks over, or he walks in, I tend to use stage directions he crosses to, he exits, or he enters.  This might not be everyone’s preference but it works for me.
Pg 9
slams it down. Blackness.
You are directing again.
Pg 10
Is james a copper?
He’s a complete idiot anyway for letting them use the bathroom.
Pg 11
The room is a bit cleaner now.
Pg 14
James distances himself away? How do you do that?

I found this script a little difficult to follow, Gabe, even after reading it twice.  For an eighteen page script, you have too many flashbacks and none of the scenes really grabbed me.

I think the biggest problem here, however, is that you compressed a feature length story into eighteen pages.  This should be stretched out.  Get into the characters.  Build a little suspense.  Put a little chase in there and don't think of it as a short.  Get it out of the house and tell the story over the course of a few days, not just one night.

The scene with the police--

--SPOILER SPACE--

--was very unrealistic.  Cops don't go from door to door regarding a noise complaint.  In a case like this, they'd ask the complainant who owns dogs in the area and go straight to them.  Also, why would the locals know who a serial killer is but not the police?

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey mcornetto. Wow! Thanks for the extensive review.  I'm not going to be able to comment on it all only what I see as the major parts.

When I write, I usually write visually. The reason being is that I will like be a film director.  So, I act one in my own script. But rather than use camera directions, I tell a story visually using indirect directions such as "closley next to it" and other phrases. So, another director can interpret it any way he likes it.  

I agree with you on pg. 1 in making is faced downward active. I'm going to return back and recheck these types of mistakes again.  

People sure hate that scream mask.    

The masks are important since it gives them more character traits. Rather than utilize the convential ski masks that on uses, the other robbers vary.

After the word bearable is a description of the room to show how it is.  

Good call on the colors.

The character can't walk straight until a wall. People have to turn. I got to check how much turns I have.

Well, If you remember on pg.12. The war movie that had loud gunfire. That was to make the officers think the gunfire before came from the movie. In addition before entering the living room is filled with garbage bags and etc. James is covering his tracks nonchantly. He knew why they were there and he wanted to make sure their were no disturbance. The same can be said for the officer above where the evidence is hidden.

I'm going have to return back to this script and check it agian. Thanks for the review.

Gabe




  

Hey, Phil. Thanks for the review. I'm going return back to this script after some time in order to revise. I was thinking of turning this into a feature which meant that the story will travel outside. But I thought otherwise since one of the tale's themes is that felling of being isolated. The three robbers are isolated due to their revenge. They soon become more isolated in the house as a result of their revenge. And the serial killer is isolated his a killer.  But i'm still going to give it a try though to get more ideas and to improve my writing skills.

What I focused more on this one was character development since I lacked any before according to the reviews and a story that people can understand. But I will have to go to the drawing board again.  

The cop sequence is what I got from a police officer that I know of. The noise complaint was a ruse, something to cover the real reason why they were their which was for the gunshots. No one goes to a house where gunshots were heard and tell  the occpuants the real reason why they are their. The person who fired the gunshots can still be their. A police officer needs a way to enter without alerting the culprit to their reason.  

No one knows who the serial killer is. Patrick, Edward, and Paul act certain they got the right guy but they could have been wrong. I never made it spefically clear. I wanted some doubt. James could have been innocent and they were still going to murder him. I decided to make James the serial killer as a good twsit.

I'm still going back to this later on so. All these reviews is helpful.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The cop sequence is what I got from a police officer that I know of. The noise complaint was a ruse, something to cover the real reason why they were their which was for the gunshots. No one goes to a house where gunshots were heard and tell  the occpuants the real reason why they are their. The person who fired the gunshots can still be their. A police officer needs a way to enter without alerting the culprit to their reason.

More than two cops would show up when gunshots are reported, especially given whose house it is.  It seemed that a lot of time has passed between the shots being fired and the cops showing up.


Phil

Some time has passed. I thought I emphasized that with Later in the script. But I'll have to find some other way to better show it.  Also, each police officer would handle the situation differently to this sort of situation. So I made these two handle the situation in that specfic way to demonstrate James' slickness. But no matter all this would go into revising. Thanks guys.

Gabe

The problem here is that too much time expired.  Cops would've been there in minutes, not hours.  And two cops would not be sent to a report of gunfire; a lot would, especially given the location.


Phil

Sorry for not comprehending before, Phil. I understand now. I'll have to talk to the P.O. again.  Thanks.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I have to agree with Phil's first comments, I too found it difficult to follow and still do.

I think you describe things too in depth and makes it a little confusing.  Try not to be so precise with characters actions or try to convey them onto paper better (paper lol what year are we in...computer screen more like).

I'm not sure I understood why did Patrick shoot Paul and Edward?

Anywho, I did enjoy this but like I said I found it a little too confusing and I think I missed some of the characters motives.  

I did like the way you used flashbacks, some people commented on them ina negative way, but I found they worked well.  I prefer a story thats not a straight beginning to end affair.

Thanks alffy, for reviewing this.

Most of the reviews have been good IMO for this verison compared to the latter ones. I will just have to return back to this one and develop it some more.

I added the shooting just to show that their plan was going down hill and one was going crazy at this point.

Thanks again.
    

I read this short, understood each scene and the action and it was well written. But if you where to ask what was the over all story and point of this short I would shrug and give you a blank expression.

It felt like more of a kelidoscope of images and situations that had nothing to do with each and yet overlaped. You had three dudes in masks pulling a house apart.
No idea why one dude shot the other two in the head.  then James pops up out of hiding and takes charge of the situation.

Maybe if this was to be filmed it would flow much better as visual images then as it does as words on paper. Everything you have written is visually interesting.

The structure of the story is fagmented and for me did not mesh well. But maybe this was your intention.

Hey Tonka,

thanks for reading another short of mine. This one was my first short and first several revisions. I'm planning to make it into a feature. But I learned alot though. As obscure, I'm changing almost everything around. Hopefully it turns out better than this one.

Gabe