Closed In by Gabriel Moronta - Short, Horror - Three individuals seek justice on a serial killer when one of their loved ones joins his victims’ list.  18 pages - doc, format

Thanks Don for putting this up. I revised alot and i believe that I have improved from before. Also, I will like to appolgize for the genre entry I put in. This belongs to the SHORT, HORROR section not action - sorry for that.  Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy the read and leave feedback on how good or bad it is.  

Thank you Bert for the revision. And im going to stop using caps from now, sorry about that Don.  

Hi Gabriel

I became very confuse at first, but I got what happend at the end.

I don't know whether Bert told you about some problems like CUT TOs, lot of names that weren't talk by the characters just by you etc. We just know that James is really James just when we hear someone calling or when we see the name written somewhere...otherwise it doesn't work.

Thanks for reading this Helio.

Spoliers !!!

"some problems like CUT TOs"

- I was not aware of that, but now I am. I thought it helped transition the story better from the rooms throughout the house.

Such as (this is not in script format):

blah blah blah description, and then cut to kitchen

as oppose to  

blah blah blah description, then suddenly kitchen

"lot of names that weren't talk by the characters just by you etc."

-I think I understand what you are saying, but can u please explain a little. I think you are pointing to that I have alot of characters such as the father, mother, etc. right?

"We just know that James is really James just when we hear someone calling or when we see the name written somewhere...otherwise it doesn't work."

-Well, I was thinking of doing that probably a ansering machine recording a message from the wife. But I assumed it will lead the story to another angle i didn't want to go. I thought showing the officer taking the wallet from James and seeing it that's James, which is when we see his face recognized from the photos was sufficient. I guess I should have put that specific part.  

But anyway, the points are taken. I have something to think about for the third draft. Thanks again.

I appologize for doing this but I'm going to be putting this up on the list so people could notice it. This is only going to happen today and I appologize for the inconvenience. I just want some reviews to know if there probelms other than what Helio mentioned. I already started the draft 3 of this script going by Helio's review and I want to be sure if I'm heading in the right track or not.  Thanks again for your time.

Gabriel, I like the story, and by the way, I like using "Cut to" and "Dissolve to" even though it's not a shooting script.

Hey "TheWhiteCrimsonBrothers".  That is a very awkward screen name.  Is there more than one of you?

I seem to recall having read the first incarnation of this story -- not sure if I commented -- but this is certainly improved.  You seem to genuinely desire some feedback on this one, so I'm gonna give you some.  I did like the story overall, but for our purposes here, I am going to dwell on the negative aspects.  Just warning you up front.

SPOILERS:

*  You need to stop using “we” so much.  It’s the mark of an amateur.  Rearrange your descriptions to omit that word.  For example, “we hear footsteps distantly” becomes “distant FOOTSTEPS echo through the house.”  You need to do this throughout.  Maybe on very, very rare instances use a “we” -- plenty of people will tell you that even one is too many -- but people who say it is OK to use it all the time don’t know what they are talking about.
*  You also need to drop all of the “CUT TOs”, Ayham’s approval notwithstanding.  They are clutter.  With a new slug line, a “cut to” is understood.  I am of the opinion that a very rare “Dissolve” is OK provided that there is a very good reason for it.  Some  people don't even agree with that.
*  Your robber searches through the couch cushions?  For what?  Loose change?  This rings false, even for a novice criminal.  Skip that, and have him going for the silverware or something.
*  The names Mike and Matt are too similar.  Use diverse names to avoid confusing the reader.
*  You give awfully thorough descriptions of Emma and Amanda -- characters that do not appear in the story.  And I wouldn’t describe Amanda as Lindsay Lohan anymore -- that girl has matured into something of a hag haha.  If you want to use somebody famous, Amanda Bynes is much cuter.
*  Many people like to put sounds in CAPS.  Things like POLICE SIRENS.
*  When the police arrive, the “mystery person” that we never see -- allegedly James -- turns out to actually be James.  Why bother concealing his identity if he is who he actually claims to be?
*  James apologizes for his noisy neighbors.  Did you mean nosey?

So, the implied ending is good, and the shifts between black and white and color lend this story an interesting dimension.  You imply that Amanda is home during all of this.  If she isn’t, you need to make that clear.

You also spend a lot of time with Paul in the bedroom -- with newspaper clippings and photographs -- but these details never come into play.  I was confused about why they were there at all, and would recommend either paying it off later or losing it altogether.

Like I said at the outset, this does represent an improvement -- good job there -- but there is still a little work to be done here.  I hope some of this helps you out should you dive into another draft of this.

Thanks Ayham for your read and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Thank you Bert for your extensive review here.


SPOILERS!


"*  You need to stop using “we” so much.  It’s the mark of an amateur.  Rearrange your descriptions to omit that word.  For example, “we hear footsteps distantly” becomes “distant FOOTSTEPS echo through the house.”  You need to do this throughout.  Maybe on very, very rare instances use a “we” -- plenty of people will tell you that even one is too many -- but people who say it is OK to use it all the time don’t know what they are talking about."

Alright, rule one: Don't use "We" at all, got it. This may sound too strong, but I like making things simple upon myself by taking things drastically such as this.

"*  You also need to drop all of the “CUT TOs”, Ayham’s approval notwithstanding.  They are clutter.  With a new slug line, a “cut to” is understood.  I am of the opinion that a very rare “Dissolve” is OK provided that there is a very good reason for it.  Some  people don't even agree with that."

Helio, another fellow screenwriter on this site, advised me on that and I did away with them. I now am using second headings more as tranistions between scenes.

"*  Your robber searches through the couch cushions?  For what?  Loose change?  This rings false, even for a novice criminal.  Skip that, and have him going for the silverware or something."

Good point. I changed the story alot from the orginial. Rather than having the robbers simply searching for items to steal, I have them searching for "something" within the house. This was the initial plan I had in mind when I wrote the original short, if I can call it that. The diffuclty on my part was figuring what the hell is that "something", so I came to the conclusion of incrimanting evidence, which has, quite recently, taken me on a newer and longer path of the story. But I'm unsure if I should follow it?

"*  The names Mike and Matt are too similar.  Use diverse names to avoid confusing the reader."

Would need to correct that, check.

"*  You give awfully thorough descriptions of Emma and Amanda -- characters that do not appear in the story.  And I wouldn’t describe Amanda as Lindsay Lohan anymore -- that girl has matured into something of a hag haha.  If you want to use somebody famous, Amanda Bynes is much cuter."

LoL, Thanks for the suggestion towards Amanda Bynes. As I was writing this, Lindsay Lohan simply popped into my mind and I used her. But I understand your point (keep updates with the entertainment news). I am going to the screenwriting section here to learn more about character description, if it's on here. Is there any other way of learning character descriptions or is reading scripts the only solution?

"*  Many people like to put sounds in CAPS.  Things like POLICE SIRENS."

It makes the story more effective, I understand.

"*  When the police arrive, the “mystery person” that we never see -- allegedly James -- turns out to actually be James.  Why bother concealing his identity if he is who he actually claims to be?"

I wanted to portray suspense, since it's the father who does all these murders. But I guess that didn't work so I'm just going to have to see if i can rework that scene.

"*  James apologizes for his noisy neighbors.  Did you mean nosey?"

Yeah. Thank you Bert. Sorry about that.

"So, the implied ending is good, and the shifts between black and white and color lend this story an interesting dimension.  You imply that Amanda is home during all of this.  If she isn’t, you need to make that clear."

Since this a short screenplay that I will try to film later on when the script is in tip-top notch, I don't like using blood or gore much. It looks a little bit cheesy especailly for a low budget film so I try to avoid that. There's times that's it's necesscary and others when it's not. For this one, I think it's really not.

The camera's color shifts is my salute to Memento, one of my favorite movies of all time.  

Also, I find that's an interesting take on the story that Amanda's there. I would need to fix that. I hope you don't mind Bert, but can you provide your take of what you thought the story meant. I'm interested in people's take on the story to see if I'm on the right track.  

"You also spend a lot of time with Paul in the bedroom -- with newspaper clippings and photographs -- but these details never come into play.  I was confused about why they were there at all, and would recommend either paying it off later or losing it altogether."

I deleted it all except for one. But I'm unsure if I should keep it since, as I said above, it takes me to another angle of the story.

"Like I said at the outset, this does represent an improvement -- good job there -- but there is still a little work to be done here.  I hope some of this helps you out should you dive into another draft of this."

I really appreciate any reviews especially these types since it gives me an absolute insight of what I need to work on with any script. You didn't get to post a review for the before script. But many people found too many problems on that one, so I'm happy with these. I see that many people love the overall story, that part of my job is done. Now on to effectively communitcating the story on to paper.    

Sorry for this extra dialgoue. i just wanted to answer this question.

"Hey "TheWhiteCrimsonBrothers".  That is a very awkward screen name.  Is there more than one of you?"

My best friend suggested that name to me but since I type quickly, I accidently pressed "s" at the end and it went through as is. That's how the sn TheWhiteCrimsonBrothers was born. you can call me Gabriel for much more appropriateness.  

Gabriel

Okay. I read this script and now I'll review it.

***POSSIBLE SPOILERS***

The ending... I have absolutely no idea what was happening. James started putting on clothes, grabbed a knife and went somewhere. What was he going to do? Am I just being an idiot, is the ending obvious? I REALLY don't get that bit.

There was too much dialogue. I mean, you have to describe what they're doing, but not every step they take. I mean, at the ending, it took about 2 pages for James to put on all that stuff.

When those guys (Matt, Mike & Paul, I think) ransacked James' house, nothing really happened. The description of this script says that they were looking for evidence (on what and they found more than they bargained for. They didn't actually find anything. They just got paralyzed.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I hope you don't mind Bert, but can you provide your take of what you thought the story meant?

Sorry Gabriel, I must have missed this before.  Only spotted this question after it got bumped back up.

[SPOILER]

What I thought was going on was that James caught some people messing around in his house, and then -- for whatever reason -- decided to chop them up in his basement.

If there was something deeper than that going on I missed it.  And I also got the sense that these guys were robbers as opposed to searching for some kind of evidence.  I found that confusing in the logline, but forgot to mention it.  Does that have something to do with the pictures and clippings under the mattress?

Anyways, it's something that is not coming through clearly in this story's present form.  

Thanks for reading it The Writer Type Guy.

SPOILERS!

"The ending... I have absolutely no idea what was happening. James started putting on clothes, grabbed a knife and went somewhere. What was he going to do? Am I just being an idiot, is the ending obvious? I REALLY don't get that bit."

Well, I always noticed in horror movies those what I like to call McGavior(I hope that's how you spell his name) scenes where the good person always aquires simple items within their environment and make something powerful to fight against the bad guys. So, I decided to use it as a means for James to do something against the bad guys which is killing them. He aquires stuff around the house that can be easily rid of blood or disposed of. That was the whole idea of the ending.

"There was too much dialogue. I mean, you have to describe what they're doing, but not every step they take. I mean, at the ending, it took about 2 pages for James to put on all that stuff."

I think you might mean description rather than dialogue. I'm a descriptive type of guy but I try to not be over descriptive to give some leway for the actors and directors to contribute their thoughts. But I'll take that into consideration in my third draft.  

"When those guys (Matt, Mike & Paul, I think) ransacked James' house, nothing really happened."

I don't really quite understand this comment. James' house is a mess because of their messy search. So, do you mind if you can explain this a bit more?  

"The description of this script says that they were looking for evidence (on what and they found more than they bargained for. They didn't actually find anything. They just got paralyzed."

I agree with you on the evidence part. That is one thing I am definitely changing in my third draft. But they did not get paralyzed, they died a very gruesome death. I just didn't show it since  i dislike those gory movies. I'm willing to watch it but, it has no affect on me.

But thanks for your review. It really means alot. I'm currently working on another script at this moment in order to take a break from this one. It's also a short and hopefully will be done very soon.

Thanks Bert. You've made something offical for me right now, which is a definite change in my third draft.

No need to appolgize Bert. Scripts get pulled back alot. Your input is important as everyone else's.

I'm working on another script as a time breaker from this one. Hopefully when I'm done and it's posted on here, I can return back to this one fresh.  

I got through this one pretty quick so I'm posting my review sooner than expected.

Overall my impressions are that this one has potential.  You've established a good scenario here and created a nice payoff at the end.  That's a good start.  I think it just needs a little more fleshing out to really work.

As I see it the burglars are the real protagonists in this story, not James.  Maybe you have a different take?   Anyways, perhaps you could expand on their dialog a bit more or do something to give them distinct personalities.  As it is we know very little about them, nor do we know anything about their actual intentions in the house other than the obvious - that they are trying to find something of importance to them.

From what you've given us Paul seems to be the perverted one in the group and Mike the leader.  That's definitely a start.  Obviously they're crooks and likely really bad dudes so revealing this to us through their actions and words would make their comeupance at the end that much more satisfying.  Maybe one is a reluctant participant in all this and acts as the conscience of the group?  Just a thought.

The black and white/color thing was interesting.  At first I thought it might have something to do with a past/present scenario you created with the burglary taking place a long time ago in a flashback sequence.  I assume now your intention was to contrast the two different worlds - the gloomy, claustrophobic inside world with the brightness of the outside world.  If so a cinematographer could have fun working with this.

I know others have mentioned the issues of proper formatting of a spec script so I won't go into that.  I think they're pretty easy to correct anyway.  

I'm a little unclear about the newspaper clipping.  Is that supposed tie in with the burglars then?  Did they beat up James?  You might want to clarify this.

All in all a nice effort.  It just needs a little fleshing out.

Thank you mgj for your review. I appreciate these extensive reviews so much.; its really a good payoff for the writer.

SPOILERS!

I'm in the process of writing the third draft but taking some time off so I could refresh before I dig into this. I changed the story to three robbers robbing a place rather than looking for something. That has been troublingsome people so the majority vote wins.

"As I see it the burglars are the real protagonists in this story, not James.  Maybe you have a different take?   Anyways, perhaps you could expand on their dialog a bit more or do something to give them distinct personalities.  As it is we know very little about them, nor do we know anything about their actual intentions in the house other than the obvious - that they are trying to find something of importance to them."

You've got it correctly. The three different persoanlities thing is something to think about during my third draft; food for thought. Thanks for bringing that up.  

"From what you've given us Paul seems to be the perverted one in the group and Mike the leader.  That's definitely a start.  Obviously they're crooks and likely really bad dudes so revealing this to us through their actions and words would make their comeupance at the end that much more satisfying.  Maybe one is a reluctant participant in all this and acts as the conscience of the group?  Just a thought."

I totally understand what you mean. All will be taken into the third draft, I promise you that. I'm unsure about Mike though. I'm changing there names as well to something more fitting. But thanks for the suggestion.

"The black and white/color thing was interesting.  At first I thought it might have something to do with a past/present scenario you created with the burglary taking place a long time ago in a flashback sequence.  I assume now your intention was to contrast the two different worlds - the gloomy, claustrophobic inside world with the brightness of the outside world.  If so a cinematographer could have fun working with this."

Yes! that was the whole point of doing it. I got inspried by Memento. Thank You Memento.

"I'm a little unclear about the newspaper clipping.  Is that supposed tie in with the burglars then?  Did they beat up James?  You might want to clarify this."

I deleted them out in the third draft.

Thanks for your review and on early notice. I would return the favor. Thanks again.

This was good in some ways, you had a good set up and it kept me interested, I loved how these guys wore movie villian masks, the sceam and the freddy krugar, that was really neat, and you also had a great pay off, I really liked that a lot, but in the end it didn't seem to make any sense, or, I just didn't get what was going on.


*************SPOILERS*****************

What were these guys looking for, or, why were they there, they were obviously looking for something, but what?

And what about the photo's?  They didn't lead anywhere at all.

those two things confused me.  

But I have to say, I did love then ending, how the chopped these burglars up and all, but then, how did he do it?

I think there is a lot missing, ir you filled these gaps I think you would really have something here.

In the end this had some great moment, but it got confusing and it didn't lead anywhere, but it was enjoyable.

Keep it up

Thanks theboywhocouldfly, for comments.

SPOILERS!

"What were these guys looking for, or, why were they there, they were obviously looking for something, but what?"

That troubled me as well. I didn't ant to reveal it since I didn't know myself. But one thing I learned from this experience is how to keep things simple. In the third draft, things are much simplier.

"And what about the photo's?  They didn't lead anywhere at all."
The same applies to these as well. I deleted them so you guys don't have to worry about it.

"But I have to say, I did love then ending, how the chopped these burglars up and all, but then, how did he do it?"
If you reead my past reply, I explain why I wrote that scene as is. I assume you are asking how he chopped them up. He used a butcher's knife from the kitchen and the garbage bags to put the cut up parts in. lol

I'm going to start working on my thrid draft now and I'm going to enter another script of mines, the one I have been working on as a time refresher from this one. Thanks again for the review and glad you enjoyed it.

Gabriel

Hi Gabriel,
I must say that I like your style. You give a good atmosphere and perfect detailed action. However, there are things I've learnt since I write. Avoid to say "we" in the descriptions (i.e. "we hear footsteps, distantly" better say "Distantly, footsteps can be heard"). I'm not quite sure you have to name characters wearing mask by their names. The same for people seen on pictures who are not acting characters (unless they act later). Last thing, I was like you big fan on transitions as "CUT TO:". You don't need them in spec scripts.

***************SPOILERS*****************

I was a bit confused by the end. What I understood is James has captured the 3 robbers and he's going to make them pay for what they've done. Am I right? I'm also confused by the B/W and color sequences. What's the use of it?

I hope my humble advices will help you and wait for reading more stuff from you.

Michel

Any advice from fellow screen writers are taken into much consideration, Michel. This is my second draft so no worries. I'm working on my third draft as we speak so I mostly corrected these errors, but if I get more feedback the better. I appreciate that you liked my style of writing and that I created a mood.

You got the ending down pact. The tranisition between the B/W and color sequence was a method use in Memento for past/present scenes. I wanted to see if it can be used for something else which in this case a person's mind: James' mind to be specific. I appreciate that you enjoyed the read. If you care to, read my other work that is posted up now, it's under my signature box. Thanks again.

Gabriel  

Thanks for reading the script, JD_OK.

For the secondary headings, I've learned you could have a bit of freedom with them as long you follow certain rules such as not ending a scene with the secondary headings. I have the Screenwriters bible. It's a good read and teaches many important items.

Im working on the third draft now more focused on what I want to convey. All the questions will be answered. I'm close to finishing it and will be posting it up here. Thanks again for the review.

Hey, guys. I updated the script. Hope you guys enjoy it. There were some advises I followed whle others i didn't. Please review it thanks.

Gabriel

ill look over it 2nite

the summary is: "three individuals ransack their last house". Ignore the one posted.  Sorry for the confusion.

Gabriel

Hey I liked this version alot better. I like that you added him talking to himself with the voice overs.  and that line line. I really liked that.

           JAMES (into the phone)
          I cancelled last notice. Hold on
          for a second, honey.
should be
                  James
            (into the phone)
          I cancelled last notice. Hold on
          for a second, honey.
              AMANDA (OVER PHONE)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

should be
                    AMANDA (V.O.)
             (over phone)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

He sees the police officer, dressed in his lively blue uniform, enter the white car, sporting vibrant blue NYPD letters, numbers, and lines, and drive off"

That is a pretty long sentence, you could break it up. There afew others like that also.

All and all, diffenately better.

SPOILERS!

Thanks for the read JD_OK. I'm glad that you liked it.

I would also like to thank the people who contributed ideas to help this story become better: Helio(who gave me the idea of the answer machine), Bert( who gave me wise advise on description and story plot), Mgj(who suggested the added dialgoue), and of course JD_OK( who got me more focused on the setting and feel of the story). And the rest twho reviewed it.    

I'm slightly confused on why you posted most of the answer machine dialgoue on?

Gabriel

i was poiting out these things

-->            AMANDA (V.O.)
-->          (over phone)
          Mom, it’s me. I just wanted to let
          you know that I’m going to be
          arriving late today to the house.
          I’m going out with a couple of
          friends to a theatre. Leave dinner
          ready in the microwave.

Not the dialog, sorry for confusion

Just got through it.  This version is a little more straight forward and less confusing.  Definitely an improvement, both the additons and subtractions, but I wouldn't stop there.


A few suggestions:

Instead of giving the burglars names, just refer to them by their mask personas. ie: Freddy Krueger, Scream, etc.  It's more economical this way and less confusing for the reader.  

Explain what it is exactly the burglars are searching for or at least reference it somehow through action or dialog.  Is it just money they're after or is it something more elaborate?  This may be a small detail but it's significant since it informs us right away who we're dealing with.  Maybe they're just a couple of two-bit crooks out for some quick cash but then again maybe they're the mob or maybe even government agents.  We should know.

Have the cops snoop around a bit longer.  They seemed to leave the scene a little too easily.  Maybe they notice the mask and gloves James was using in the basement.  Assuming it was for his renovation work they would then leave the house, satisfied everthing is okay.  This would make a good segue into the basement scene.  Or something to that effect anyway.  Maybe that's too cliche or obvious but I sensed a little foreshadowing going on anyway so don't be afraid to play this up. (BTW the voice mail message from Amanda was effective).

Again, these are just suggestions but they stood out for me.  

SPOILERS!

Thanks Mgj. I'm going to be adding a few more lines for the police dialgoue at the end that adds b.g. to the three individuals.

"Instead of giving the burglars names, just refer to them by their mask personas. ie: Freddy Krueger, Scream, etc.  It's more economical this way and less confusing for the reader."

That reminds me to thank Mike Shelton who offered me this idea. The burglars are the true main characters in my opinion so they need names as a characteristic trait. This also helps to get actors since it pats their resume with main roles rather than minor roles. I hope this makes sense if not then ask and I'll explain it again.

"Explain what it is exactly the burglars are searching for or at least reference it somehow through action or dialog.  Is it just money they're after or is it something more elaborate?  This may be a small detail but it's significant since it informs us right away who we're dealing with.  Maybe they're just a couple of two-bit crooks out for some quick cash but then again maybe they're the mob or maybe even government agents.  We should know."

Their robbers simply looking to loot the households' goods. I sent in a new logline in which it states: three robbers ransack their last louse. But they didn't remove the old one.

"Have the cops snoop around a bit longer.  They seemed to leave the scene a little too easily.  Maybe they notice the mask and gloves James was using in the basement.  Assuming it was for his renovation work they would then leave the house, satisfied everthing is okay.  This would make a good segue into the basement scene.  Or something to that effect anyway.  Maybe that's too cliche or obvious but I sensed a little foreshadowing going on anyway so don't be afraid to play this up. (BTW the voice mail message from Amanda was effective)."

The cop scene I agree with you and would see if I can edit it.

Can you please explain your interpretation of the Amanda voice mail message so I could understand how effective it was? I like to enquiry.

Thanks again mgj.

Gabriel

I think basically because it plays with the suggestion that James is just a regular family man.  Seemingly normal from the outside.  Manipulation is good in a story like this.  It also acts as a plot device since the officers basically concluded at that point after hearing the message that nothing untoward had taken place.

Thanks mgj. That puts a lot of things into persepctive now. I have to add one final thing though that I forgot and everything will be good to go.

Gabriel

Not quite sure I really understood this, I'll try and tell yu what I thought could use a change.

Get rid of the daughter asking the mother to leave her dinner in the microwave, that just sounds snobby.  Instead, why not have her tell her mom to not worry about dinner, she has alreadye eaten.  For some reason that line seemed really unnatural to me.

Sorry I cant really offer anything more, but I didn't really understand. I'll try to re-read it and hopefully pay more attention, so that I understand and can offer a better eview some time tomihgt, but for now, i hope that helped a little.  

No prob. Thanks for the read though and suggestion. I'll look into tit. I have started reading your work already. I'm going to read a bit more today and review tomorrow.


Gabriel

SPOILERS, potentially.



I was a bit intimidated by the amount of action lines at once, but I understand it's a necessity.

And while it's in the front of my mind, I got confused towards the middle with the names. I forgot that the father was James because after his introduction we don't actually see him for awhile... so I had to scroll up and double take.

Then I had to do the same thing for the names of the burglars. By the way, there are three burglars (Paul, Edward, and Patrick) right? But I only see two of them get dispatched. Did Paul escape? I assume James got to him but it's just not shown... but you should show it.

I think the overall idea works, but I'd probably enjoy it more at the final product than as a script. This goes back to my first comment, though.

Thanks for the read. I'll looking into that idea. It was good to hear from a reader. I am trying to see if I can film this but I am unsure if i can due to time and other projects in working progress.

Gabriel

I filmed a five-page script with no money for free in one week. (And it would've been more than watchable had I been able to have a little more time to re-write the script/shoot other scenes.) But this was for a contest.

Anyway, all I needed was craigslist. Lots of people are willing to work for credit and copy, myself included.

Thanks for the info. I'll investigate more about that. I also wanted to let you know that I'll start reading your script over the weekend. Don't think I forgot. I'm also reading another script for someone else, but I'm closely done with it.

Gabriel

As promised here's my review:

SPOILERS

First of all I wanna say I think you write well; intelligble descriptions and concise for the most part.

I only read the first page of comments, so if my criticism is reiteration of what others said, I'm sorry.

The first thing I noticed was how you use 5-6 lines to describe the family, and yet I don't really know how they look.
I think you could probably save a lot of space and time by writing something like:

Several picture frames hang on the wall. They show a loving family of AMANDA, late-teens, attractive, EMMA, late-thirties, and JAMES, early forties, glasses with a kind smile.

Or something like that. It can be condensed when you consider this is only ten pages long.

Mind you, I?m just making up their ages, because I couldn?t really tell from your story how old ?young? and ?Older? is?

Like Bert I also wondered what they were doing there. I feel maybe they needed a purpose, since you decide to give them names.

I needed a bit more information or context to make the ending satisfactory. What were they looking for in the house? Why did he kill them? Just a hint as to what changed in James since he?s introduced to us through a harmonious picture (kind smile). Maybe elaborate a bit more in the daughter?s phone conversation?

You have a very visual touch though, I didn?t really catch the symbolism of the color sequence, but I could tell you had the entire story in your head. That came through nicely.

I also liked the Panic-Roomish cop sequence (that's how I saw it anyway).

All in all I liked the story, I thought there was suspense all the way through, but as I said, I think you need to make it a bit more clear what's actually going on, because the ending left me stumped.

Thank you for your review. It's not a problem, if you reiterate some points made before. It actually helps since it makes more apparent to me what I really need to fix.


"First of all I wanna say I think you write well; intelligble descriptions and concise for the most part."

I'm an english major so that explains my concise and intelligble descriptions.

"I only read the first page of comments, so if my criticism is reiteration of what others said, I'm sorry."

Most of the past comments were on two past drafts I did for the script. The first was a real let down and the second improved to a alright status. This one I can actually say is better on the count of all the previous reviews.

"The first thing I noticed was how you use 5-6 lines to describe the family, and yet I don't really know how they look.
I think you could probably save a lot of space and time by writing something like:

Several picture frames hang on the wall. They show a loving family of AMANDA, late-teens, attractive, EMMA, late-thirties, and JAMES, early forties, glasses with a kind smile."

I get your point of the family. Ill edit it. Thanks.

"Like Bert I also wondered what they were doing there. I feel maybe they needed a purpose, since you decide to give them names."

In my fourth draft I'm going to start  after finishing one other project, I think I am beginnning to formulaize a purpose. Thanks for hinting on that. I'm just afriad in going to deeply that the story becomes bad.

"You have a very visual touch though, I didn?t really catch the symbolism of the color sequence, but I could tell you had the entire story in your head. That came through nicely."

I enjoy visuals. I think of everything in movie fashion.


"I also liked the Panic-Roomish cop sequence (that's how I saw it anyway)."
It was intended for that. The story led me in that direction.

"All in all I liked the story, I thought there was suspense all the way through, but as I said, I think you need to make it a bit more clear what's actually going on, because the ending left me stumped."

I am very much overjoyed that you liked it. That's the first I've heard I was suspenseful. I would see in my later draft if I can make the ending more clearer.

Gabriel

Hi Gabriel,

As promised, I read your short and I can tell you I prefered the second draft, but several dark points (IMHO) remain.

*****************SPOILERS***********************

When JAMES starts to talk with the cops, you call him James but we never had the indication of his name before.

All the dialogs where James is talking to himself are useless. I'd rather see the cop telling him "Your daughter is waiting on the line". I think you did all these dialogs to accentuate James' madness (kinda Norman Bates double personnality) but show it us instead of that.

I would change the last James' line "Rock'n'Roll" into "Showtime". A rather funny line to end up a story.

Hope it'd help.

Michel

Thanks Michel for reading and fulfilling your promise. It helped alot by allowing me to recieve a different perspective of this story.

I can understand your preference. I was just following an advice given by a past comment that mentioned why could I not the reader to know its James already rather than keep it as a mysterious figure.

I'll look into the voice overs and compare with the second draft.

Gabriel

This was a good fast read.

SPOILERS-------------

I think you should give the robbers a little more personality and have them talk to each other some more. Maybe bicker or argue about something ya know?

-I don’t know if you’re directing this, but if you’re not then you should take out all of the camera directions and references to the audience.
-What’s a SCREAM mask?
-It wouldn’t hurt to give the ages of the three people in the picture.
-I like the knives reflection of Freddy Krueger’s face.
-You can take out he hears a familiar sound, police sirens – and just put in he hears police sirens.
-ENTERING HIS AND HIS WIFE’S BEDROOM – I’m not sure if this works as a location. You should probably just leave the entering in the action and just put his bedroom in caps.

Oh wait I understand the Scream mask now. It's from the movie Scream. Was their a point to the movie masks or was it just in there for the heck of it.

You have a lot of spec script no nos, but once again I don't know if you'll film it or not. And I really liked the transitions from black & white to color - that was cool.

I'm still not sure about the ending. What exactly happened?

I liked this script a lot and think it could be fun to actually watch.

Good Luck.

Thanks for the read TAnthony. I'll soon read your work. I'm close too getting it.

"think you should give the robbers a little more personality and have them talk to each other some more. Maybe bicker or argue about something ya know?"

My last few comments suggested this. I'll see what I can do with this aspect.

"I don’t know if you’re directing this, but if you’re not then you should take out all of the camera directions and references to the audience"

What camera directions? I have none.

"It wouldn’t hurt to give the ages of the three people in the picture."

Working on it.

"I like the knives reflection of Freddy Krueger’s face.'

Thank you. I was unconcerned if I should have placed it in. I guessed right.

I'll follow the rest of the formatting suggestions. The movie masks I thought brought some characterization to the robbers.

The spec numbers I am unsure about since I don't see any.

Many recent reviewers and even some past ones wonder what happened at the end. Well, the three robbers die. I'm against showing gore on movies since it is overused so I decided to approach it in that manner.

Thanks,
Gabriel

Sorry man,  I could've sworn to god I saw a few camera directions in the action paragraphs. These were some of the other formatting stuff I was talking about.

pg. 3 The SOUND of the door opening cuts to
pg. 4 A low CREAK sound comes from behind. Instinctually, Paul turns, and it cuts to.

You don't need to add the cut to's.

pg. 4 He hears a familiar sound in the far distance, police SIRENS.
How does the audience know its familiar?

Your formatting otherwise was very good.

No prob. Sorry it took long to respond. I'm going to be reading your script now. Thanks for catching those, I have to change it.

Gabriel

OK. So I am giving you my review as I read the script. I like it so far. The first thing I definitely think you should change is the that the man right here in the beginning is wearing a "Scream" mask. That has got to go. I really do like the way you write though. You put words together well and I think the words you choose to use are pretty good and help describe what you're trying to say. I like the fact that use big words, but I try to refrain from that because it can confuse people, like myself, lol. Overall, I thought it was pretty good. It was a bit confusing with all the flashbacks and stuff. I did like it though

Thanks mwr311. I've improved tremendously through this script. I'm planning to enter this one into contests.

I would like to ask why should I change the Scream mask for?

Thanks again.

Gabe

It's just old. It's been done before. The movie wore it out and those all those cheesy movies. Then Scary Movie. I mean, in my opinion the Scream mask is over used.

Gabriel,

You obviously have vision. That is something that definitely must be encouraged. I could tell that you could see what you were describing. The trouble is that I had difficulty understanding what you were seeing from your descriptions.  I think that you need to find a writing teacher or a mate that writes well – sit down with them and go over this script sentence by sentence. Learn what you can from them about crafting descriptions.

I can see from what you have written that you have the raw ability, you just need some sanding and a polish.

Now, as far as the script goes, I didn’t really see any story in the script. Sorry. I think I may have been too caught up in details of your writing to catch the overall story.  Perhaps if you correct the grammar issues and post it again, I will find a story then.

Cheers and good luck.
  
Pg1
Closely next to it.  You don’t need closely.
A television remote is faced downward - is not active.
I think it is face down not faced down but it doesn’t really matter – means the same thing.
close by footsteps?  I think you need to reword this.
A black gloved hand picks it up. And the MELODY stops. This would be more effective if you get rid of the And.
Holding the snow globe is a man wearing a “SCREAM” mask. His name is EDWARD.
EDWARD (description) raises the snow globe, and then throws it at the ground.
Get rid of the “scream” mask!
Edward crosses to the bookshelf…
I won’t keep rewriting it, I think you might get the idea by now.
Pg 2
Indistinct newsprint surrounds the picture.
Titles such as
The torn edges of the newspaper article are uneven.
Pictures vary from small to big or none at all. They focus on James…
I’m rewriting again. I hate doing that, but it’s forcing me to do it. Sorry. I’m really going to stop this time.
Pg 3
Freddy Krueger wears a mask? Oh, the mask looks like Freddy. Is this mask thing important?
Becomes clouded is not active.
Patrick doesn’t next move, he moves.
Dialogue does not flow well.
Pg 4
They serve for.. speech. Rework. This doesn’t make sense.
Neither of Patrick’s dialogues on this page work.
Knives
staring diagonally downward. – you are concentrating too much on directing. This is ok if you have a good reason. This particular reason is not a good one.
tiredly; tiredly. And, yes, I’m getting there.
Pg 5
Try not to use more than one semicolon in a sentence. You can usually chop up your sentence and use a period instead.
Bearable – can we see bearable?  Bad word choice because it is a value judgment.
How can a vehicle be B&W and green?
Pg 6
I suppose you can get away with silver.
AMANDA. She’s ever more attractive in person than in the photos. – She is? That’s nice.
A second goes by but a few seconds go by.
Pg 6
She heads towards the silver car and opens the door and enters. Too many ands.
Paul gazes at the picture. Lose the still.
All of this turning is making me dizzy. Why does he have to turn? (I do the same thing and I get upset with myself for doing it too.)  
Pg 7
Patrick draws a small revolver out from under his shirt.
Lose the suddenly. We can tell when it’s happening.
Pg 8
Paul cautiously inspects the room before moving to the open window. He looks out. Nothing.
Just in general, rather than using he walks out, he walks over, or he walks in, I tend to use stage directions he crosses to, he exits, or he enters.  This might not be everyone’s preference but it works for me.
Pg 9
slams it down. Blackness.
You are directing again.
Pg 10
Is james a copper?
He’s a complete idiot anyway for letting them use the bathroom.
Pg 11
The room is a bit cleaner now.
Pg 14
James distances himself away? How do you do that?

I found this script a little difficult to follow, Gabe, even after reading it twice.  For an eighteen page script, you have too many flashbacks and none of the scenes really grabbed me.

I think the biggest problem here, however, is that you compressed a feature length story into eighteen pages.  This should be stretched out.  Get into the characters.  Build a little suspense.  Put a little chase in there and don't think of it as a short.  Get it out of the house and tell the story over the course of a few days, not just one night.

The scene with the police--

--SPOILER SPACE--

--was very unrealistic.  Cops don't go from door to door regarding a noise complaint.  In a case like this, they'd ask the complainant who owns dogs in the area and go straight to them.  Also, why would the locals know who a serial killer is but not the police?

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hey mcornetto. Wow! Thanks for the extensive review.  I'm not going to be able to comment on it all only what I see as the major parts.

When I write, I usually write visually. The reason being is that I will like be a film director.  So, I act one in my own script. But rather than use camera directions, I tell a story visually using indirect directions such as "closley next to it" and other phrases. So, another director can interpret it any way he likes it.  

I agree with you on pg. 1 in making is faced downward active. I'm going to return back and recheck these types of mistakes again.  

People sure hate that scream mask.    

The masks are important since it gives them more character traits. Rather than utilize the convential ski masks that on uses, the other robbers vary.

After the word bearable is a description of the room to show how it is.  

Good call on the colors.

The character can't walk straight until a wall. People have to turn. I got to check how much turns I have.

Well, If you remember on pg.12. The war movie that had loud gunfire. That was to make the officers think the gunfire before came from the movie. In addition before entering the living room is filled with garbage bags and etc. James is covering his tracks nonchantly. He knew why they were there and he wanted to make sure their were no disturbance. The same can be said for the officer above where the evidence is hidden.

I'm going have to return back to this script and check it agian. Thanks for the review.

Gabe




  

Hey, Phil. Thanks for the review. I'm going return back to this script after some time in order to revise. I was thinking of turning this into a feature which meant that the story will travel outside. But I thought otherwise since one of the tale's themes is that felling of being isolated. The three robbers are isolated due to their revenge. They soon become more isolated in the house as a result of their revenge. And the serial killer is isolated his a killer.  But i'm still going to give it a try though to get more ideas and to improve my writing skills.

What I focused more on this one was character development since I lacked any before according to the reviews and a story that people can understand. But I will have to go to the drawing board again.  

The cop sequence is what I got from a police officer that I know of. The noise complaint was a ruse, something to cover the real reason why they were their which was for the gunshots. No one goes to a house where gunshots were heard and tell  the occpuants the real reason why they are their. The person who fired the gunshots can still be their. A police officer needs a way to enter without alerting the culprit to their reason.  

No one knows who the serial killer is. Patrick, Edward, and Paul act certain they got the right guy but they could have been wrong. I never made it spefically clear. I wanted some doubt. James could have been innocent and they were still going to murder him. I decided to make James the serial killer as a good twsit.

I'm still going back to this later on so. All these reviews is helpful.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The cop sequence is what I got from a police officer that I know of. The noise complaint was a ruse, something to cover the real reason why they were their which was for the gunshots. No one goes to a house where gunshots were heard and tell  the occpuants the real reason why they are their. The person who fired the gunshots can still be their. A police officer needs a way to enter without alerting the culprit to their reason.

More than two cops would show up when gunshots are reported, especially given whose house it is.  It seemed that a lot of time has passed between the shots being fired and the cops showing up.


Phil

Some time has passed. I thought I emphasized that with Later in the script. But I'll have to find some other way to better show it.  Also, each police officer would handle the situation differently to this sort of situation. So I made these two handle the situation in that specfic way to demonstrate James' slickness. But no matter all this would go into revising. Thanks guys.

Gabe

The problem here is that too much time expired.  Cops would've been there in minutes, not hours.  And two cops would not be sent to a report of gunfire; a lot would, especially given the location.


Phil

Sorry for not comprehending before, Phil. I understand now. I'll have to talk to the P.O. again.  Thanks.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I have to agree with Phil's first comments, I too found it difficult to follow and still do.

I think you describe things too in depth and makes it a little confusing.  Try not to be so precise with characters actions or try to convey them onto paper better (paper lol what year are we in...computer screen more like).

I'm not sure I understood why did Patrick shoot Paul and Edward?

Anywho, I did enjoy this but like I said I found it a little too confusing and I think I missed some of the characters motives.  

I did like the way you used flashbacks, some people commented on them ina negative way, but I found they worked well.  I prefer a story thats not a straight beginning to end affair.

Thanks alffy, for reviewing this.

Most of the reviews have been good IMO for this verison compared to the latter ones. I will just have to return back to this one and develop it some more.

I added the shooting just to show that their plan was going down hill and one was going crazy at this point.

Thanks again.
    

I read this short, understood each scene and the action and it was well written. But if you where to ask what was the over all story and point of this short I would shrug and give you a blank expression.

It felt like more of a kelidoscope of images and situations that had nothing to do with each and yet overlaped. You had three dudes in masks pulling a house apart.
No idea why one dude shot the other two in the head.  then James pops up out of hiding and takes charge of the situation.

Maybe if this was to be filmed it would flow much better as visual images then as it does as words on paper. Everything you have written is visually interesting.

The structure of the story is fagmented and for me did not mesh well. But maybe this was your intention.

Hey Tonka,

thanks for reading another short of mine. This one was my first short and first several revisions. I'm planning to make it into a feature. But I learned alot though. As obscure, I'm changing almost everything around. Hopefully it turns out better than this one.

Gabe