I read this piece to the end, so it held me enough to want to know what happens, and I liked it. However, on finishing, I felt it needed an angle to give it some depth. Perhaps Walt has lost his confidence, he's been through something which has stagnated him a little, could be a car accident - so he's a little shaky on his feet - could be the loss of a friend. To me, it would add depth and poignance creating a stronger emotional involvement with not only Walt but the relationship between the other characters.

On a lighter note, I'm not sure the title works, it feels a little forced and doesn't really flow with the two, "-ings close together. Perhaps just, "The Risk of Standing".

Cheers,

Carl

Well, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to read and review my script. I really appreciate it. For the most part, I'm pretty happy about what others think about this script. Sorry for not putting zombie pigs in my script. :p

There's something I'd like to clear up about the script, though. People have commented on certain aspects about the script that they didn't seem to like. So, I'm just going to give an in-depth post about what a lot of the stuff in the screenplay means and just kind of clear up some things. I hope it helps if anyone was confused.

This story is obviously about Walt. His external conflict is that he just doesn't want to be at the barbecue. He wants to get out of there but he knows his parents would get angry at him if he left, because that is considered rude. Walt's uncle, who is hosting the get-together, doesn't mind at all that Walt wants to leave because he can understand how he feels and he even offers to tell a lie to Walt's parents to help him leave. Even though he basically has a free pass to leave, Walt still turns down his uncle's offer.

There's 2 reasons why he doesn't want to leave, as he said: He'd feel guilty and that he doesn't want to get out of his chair.

Even though Walt knows that he won't get in trouble if he leaves, he still won't leave because he knows he'll still feel guilty. His uncle laughs it off and is perplexed at Walt's way of thinking. Walt then mentions how he killed an ant and that he felt guilty about it. He knows that there's many, many ants out there, but he still feels guilty. Literally and metaphorically, the blood of the ant is still on his hands. However, the whole thing with the ant is a metaphor in itself.

Right after Walt and Jimmy (his uncle) talk about the ant, the next thing they talk about is Walt's ex-girlfriend. By the dialogue, you know that they broke up 5 months, but when they first start talking about it, Walt acts like it just happened. He's still waiting for her to call. He doesn't realize that he needs to move on. His uncle does realize this. If you go back to their conversation about the ant, Walt says: "Besides, I don’t think that kind of attached feeling can just go away that fast for me, even if it is just an ant." What at first appears to be just about a dead ant, is actually even more about Walt's love life (or lack of). The blood that is on his hands throughout the story represents not only his guilt, but also the idea that he can't let go of his ex-girlfriend. If you notice, it's said more than once in the script that girl's don't like that kind of thing. While I'm sure girls probably don't like blood, it's really about how girls don't want to be with a guy who is still stuck on his ex-girlfriend.

When Walt finally convinces himself to atleast try and pursue a new girl, he finally takes a bottle of water and washes the blood off his hands. At that time, the clouds also open up to sunshine, which is a pretty obvious metaphor. Earlier in the script, when Walt still has the problems talked about earlier, the sky is cloudy and it looks like it's going to rain. At that point, Jimmy says that "Sometimes, the Gods make it rain at just the right time and sometimes at just the wrong time." This may seem like a little bit of an odd thing to say, but it is relevant and I'll get to that later.

The other reason Walt says he can't leave the barbecue is because he doesn't want to leave his chair. I think this, just like the cloudy/clear skies, is a pretty obvious symbol of him not wanting to change his life. He says he's comfortable where he is, in his chair. At this point he thinks he's comfortable with his life as well. He hasn't fully realized that he needs to get over his ex-girlfriend. When he finally changes, he finally gets up from the chair.

Now back to the line Jimmy says about the Gods making it rain. There is a point to this as there's a tiny little bit of a biblical thing going on here. Walt needed something (whether he realized it or not) to help him move on with his life. He needed some kind of saving grace because the way he was heading wasn't healthy or good for him at all. The girl he meets is his saving grace. Her name, fittingly, is Angela. My intention wasn't to make her a Deus Ex Machina, which I don't think she was in the script. I think she fit fine in it. However, in a way, she is. Deus Ex Machina litterally means "god from a machine". It's a being used to solve a problem that wouldn't have been solved otherwise. She seems almost overly interested in Walt. Why would she be attracted to him? I purposely wrote it to seem like she almost had the goal of meeting and befriending (or maybe more) Walt the whole time. So, in a way, to Walt, she was sent from a god. We never find out why she was interested, all we know is that she is interested. Maybe she was convinced to talk Walt by his cousin or perhaps by the uncle. I purposely kind of wanted to keep that element out of it to add to the biblical idea. Before she talks to Walt, I mention that Jimmy says a few things to her. This could definitely be interepreted as showing that Jimmy and Angela had some kind of agreement beforehand. There is no answer, though. I wanted to keep it ambigious.

The ending scene where Walt and Angela drive away should conclude the story nicely, though I'm sure some disagree. She asks him if they want to go to a place he knows, like a favorite fast food restaurant, but he declines. Those fast food restaurants are representative of his past and him declining shows that he no longer wants to do the same things over (like being hung up over his ex-girlfriend) and he wants to experience something new in his life. He just wants to drive around and they'll find something to do that way. Those places they find will be the new things he likes to do, replacing his old favorites, thus showing he is over his ex-girlfriend completely and that he wants a relationship of some sort with Angela. And of course, the last thing they say is that Angela thanks Walt for washing the ant's blood off of his hands (he's let his past relationships go completely) and Walt responds by saying that it isn't part of his new style anyway (the life he wants now, with Angela, or so he hopes).

And that's it. Walt is able to leave the party, and as he does, it shows he's gotten rid of that unneccesary guilt-problem and his problem concerning not being able to let go of his ex-girlfriend. I hope whoever read this enjoyed it. It's a bit on the lengthy side, I know, but I think it's pretty informative.
  

Thanks for that, it does give more insight into the script and a deeper understanding of Walts journey. However, while the subtext is clear to you, it is not apparent to the viewer/reader - and I read the piece twice - it would only take a couple of keys to change that. Also, while you understand and know the subtext, unless the reader/viewer can take something away from it, then it's dead art.

Do you not think that you have become so wrapped in metaphor that you are afraid to write something that you may consider a little obvious but would assist a viewer in truly accessing the piece. Sometimes people need a clue as to what you are trying to express. It's just a little confusing, the ant and the girlfriend, perhaps a more informing metaphor maybe? Perhaps using a food metaphor, you talked about fast food, burgers etc, maybe, as opposed to using an ant use a burger/steak/chicken wing, which would tie in well with the theme. I'm not saying Walt should kill a burger, but there must be an appropriate image to be drawn from food to reflect his sentiment. Maybe the Uncle could suggest it was time Walt laid off the burgers for a while and tried some chicken wings, who knows.

All that said, I like it, and I appreciate the explaination, it's always interesting to hear the authors thoughts on their work. I think it sits well as a short and wouldn't feel forced into its screentime. this is something I'd like to watch.

Thanks,

Carl

Not bad, not bad. While your characters talk about trivial things (leaving or not leaving, the ant, etc) it's clear that their lines are methaporically connected to something bigger: the protagonist's flaw, and his character arc.

I wouldn't count on the reader to get as much of this short as you intend (I also read your explanation) but on a basic level I would say this works.

I clearly understood what was the ant supposed to mean, but to tell you the truth, making your protagonist to feel guilty because he accidentally killed an ant seems like something quite silly to carry the theme of your story. I strongly recommend to find something else.

My main beef with the script is that it dragged a bit. It's too heavy on dialogue. As a screenwriter you should find ways to tell your story visually.

Your protagonist said exactly what he felt, his dialogue was too on the nose. Maybe you can get away with this when he talks with his uncle; he trusts him. But then, when talking to a total stranger (and a female) he keeps spilling out his feelings.

You nailed the genre and theme pretty well with a story that stays away from the dark and depressing feeling from other entries. Good job on that.

I think this one needs work, but it wasn't bad at all.

Quoted from Carl Thanks for that, it does give more insight into the script and a deeper understanding of Walts journey. However, while the subtext is clear to you, it is not apparent to the viewer/reader - and I read the piece twice - it would only take a couple of keys to change that. Also, while you understand and know the subtext, unless the reader/viewer can take something away from it, then it's dead art.

The subtext seems fine to me. Mr.Z seemed to understand it. Maybe it's just you. Or maybe you're right. I'll wait to see what others say. I'd hardly call it dead art if no one else can figure out the subtext, they'll just have to look harder.

Quoted Text Do you not think that you have become so wrapped in metaphor that you are afraid to write something that you may consider a little obvious but would assist a viewer in truly accessing the piece.

I don't really understand what that means. Is that suppposed to be an insult?

Quoted Text Sometimes people need a clue as to what you are trying to express. It's just a little confusing, the ant and the girlfriend, perhaps a more informing metaphor maybe? Perhaps using a food metaphor, you talked about fast food, burgers etc, maybe, as opposed to using an ant use a burger/steak/chicken wing, which would tie in well with the theme. I'm not saying Walt should kill a burger, but there must be an appropriate image to be drawn from food to reflect his sentiment. Maybe the Uncle could suggest it was time Walt laid off the burgers for a while and tried some chicken wings, who knows.

Not a bad suggestion. Instead of blood on his hands, it can be something like ketchup. It would tie in with the barbecue theme. I chose the ant because it's so random that the reader should get a clue that obviously what they're talking about means more than just ant's blood.

Quoted Text All that said, I like it, and I appreciate the explaination, it's always interesting to hear the authors thoughts on their work. I think it sits well as a short and wouldn't feel forced into its screentime. this is something I'd like to watch.

Cool. Thank you for reading it and giving me feedback

Quoted from Mr.Z I clearly understood what was the ant supposed to mean, but to tell you the truth, making your protagonist to feel guilty because he accidentally killed an ant seems like something quite silly to carry the theme of your story. I strongly recommend to find something else.

I understand where you're coming from with this. The ant is just an example of how he can feel guilty over many things, but it is definitely weird.

Quoted Text My main beef with the script is that it dragged a bit. It's too heavy on dialogue. As a screenwriter you should find ways to tell your story visually.

Yeah, I'm a very dialogue-driven story writer, but I understand what you're saying. I didn't put a lot of action in this story because I think it would feel like filler considering the page length limit. I don't want to just put something like "they take a sip of their drinks" in the middle of a conversation just so the script isn't all dialogue. I usually put more actions and descriptions in my scripts, though still remaining dialogue-driven, I just went for a different style this time.

Quoted Text Your protagonist said exactly what he felt, his dialogue was too on the nose. Maybe you can get away with this when he talks with his uncle; he trusts him. But then, when talking to a total stranger (and a female) he keeps spilling out his feelings.

Good point. The dialogue between Walt and Angela is a bit too "close" considering they just met.

Quoted Text You nailed the genre and theme pretty well with a story that stays away from the dark and depressing feeling from other entries. Good job on that.

Thanks. I was actually expecting the majority of the scripts to be drama, but a lot of them were either comedies or horror or some mix.

Quoted Text I think this one needs work, but it wasn't bad at all.

I don't plan on rewriting this one because I wrote it specifically for the one week challenge and I'd like to leave it as it is.

Thank you for responding.

Quoted from marshallamps12 I don't want to just put something like "they take a sip of their drinks" in the middle of a conversation just so the script isn't all dialogue.

I agree. You don't need this. That kind of useless actions could be needed to break up big monologues, and make the page look more friendly to the reader's eye; not your case.

I was referring to dramatic action. Actions that move your story forward or reveal character. You need more of these, and you need to emphasize more the ones you have.

I'll provide just an example to ilustrate my point. One of the most important actions your character does is getting up of that chair; quite a relevant decision for him in this particular story. Before he does, we already know he will. Why? Because he already thanked his Uncle and his dialogue lines reveal he has been convinced.

Work on these dialogue lines so they leave the reader wondering what is the protagonist going to do. Will he let go of his troubles? Will he go for the girl? And without a word he stands up. There. We can understand his inner change by just watching a simple action. Visuals are always more powerful than words, no matter the genre. When it is possible, let the visuals carry your story.

Oh, I gotcha. Those are very good points, actually! That's good advice to have for future scripts that I write. Thanks for the feedback.

Love the dialogue. That's the long and short of it.

I won't hold forth on what everybody have already said. There good dialogs for a nice piece of life. Anyway, IMO, Walt's lines are maybe a little bit mature for someone of his age.

Good job

Michel