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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Night To Remember Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Night To Remember  (currently 3123 views)
Don
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Night to Remember, A by Gabriel Moronta - Short, Horror - A huge crowd of wealthy individuals attend a late night birthday party of Mr. Hirsch. It's a party that no one will ever forget.  24 pages. - pdf, format



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 3rd, 2008, 9:16pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting this up. I hope people enjoy it as well.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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This was an amusing tale.  However, like your other short 'Closed In' I think it just needs to be fleshed out a little more to be fully realized.

SPOILERS:

Since you established  Mr. Anderson and Mr. Pierce as characters early on in the script I think it would be beneficial to make at least some reference of their deaths specifically.  This ommission felt conspicuous and resulted in an opportunity lost.

The ending was a little too criptic.  I think you need to establish some sort of clearer motivation or purpose behind this 'game' so to speak.  Was this done for sport or for something else?  I got the sense that it was something else but this was never fully explained, at least not firmly enough to be understood completely.

You did a nice job of establishing a mood and atmospere.  It wasn't difficult to visualize the events as you described them.

The dialog was a strong point I felt.  Through a few simple exchanges of dialog you managed to quickly establish character and set a nice tone and framework for the rest of the story.

You kept me guessing throughout, which is also good.  I think you just need to establish a better or clearer motivation.  This will make the payoff that much more satisfying.

I hope this helps.  If I missed anything or have anything specific you want feedback on, just ask.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 24th, 2006, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Thanks mgj. I found it quite amusing as myself during the process of writing it.

"Since you established  Mr. Anderson and Mr. Pierce as characters early on in the script I think it would be beneficial to make at least some reference of their deaths specifically.  This ommission felt conspicuous and resulted in an opportunity lost."

Point taken. I was thinking of lengthening that death sequence a tiny bit longer. Now I should do so, just to the extent of Mr. Anderson and the two other character's death and probably some more.

"The ending was a little too criptic.  I think you need to establish some sort of clearer motivation or purpose behind this 'game' so to speak.  Was this done for sport or for something else?  I got the sense that it was something else but this was never fully explained, at least not firmly enough to be understood completely."

Alright, thank you for pointing that out. The idea that was surrounding me was the whole Heaven and Hell everlasting battle. I'm a big fan of those type of stories. So, initially, I was trying to convey that Mr. Hirsch was recruiting for Satan's army in order to win the battle by any means necessary. This is Mr. Hirsch's punishment. But I just have to emphasize a bit more, no problem.

"You did a nice job of establishing a mood and atmospere.  It wasn't difficult to visualize the events as you described them.

The dialog was a strong point I felt.  Through a few simple exchanges of dialog you managed to quickly establish character and set a nice tone and framework for the rest of the story."

Thanks. I was worried about these points in the story since it was something new I was trying out. Glad I did good on those points.

"You kept me guessing throughout, which is also good.  I think you just need to establish a better or clearer motivation.  This will make the payoff that much more satisfying."

Wow. I was afraid that people would have suspected something of this sort near the beginning especailly that dialogue between the butler and caterer. I surprise myself sometimes. I have my priroties set for the second draft, thanks.

Gabriel





Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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I must say, I want to know more and where this is leading to. I did find just  couple error.

pg- 2 Well,..." Well... without comma.
pg -5  Your all beautiful" should be you're.

Oh and you are missing the fade in and fade out, but maybe u did that on purpose.
You tell what music is playing. I would just say classical music is being played in the background.Cuz i personall dont know what the minuet is, so I cant imagine a the music. IF you were to say i can hear a piece of classical music that might be already in my head.

I feel like this is just the opening scene, which is great btw, heading toward to a bigger story yet unfolded. Good dialog from the butler and the uptight people.

Is it really the end? I hope not. I was able tp picture everything you laid out. I agree with mgj on alot. I wanted to know more of the motivation behind this plot.  Named characters should yell out something since they talked to their killers, plead or what not.


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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This response is to answer JD_OK's review which is pasted underneath:

"I must say, I want to know more and where this is leading to. I did find just  couple error.

pg- 2 Well,..." Well... without comma.
pg -5  Your all beautiful" should be you're.

Oh and you are missing the fade in and fade out, but maybe u did that on purpose.
You tell what music is playing. I would just say classical music is being played in the background.Cuz i personall dont know what the minuet is, so I cant imagine a the music. IF you were to say i can hear a piece of classical music that might be already in my head.

I feel like this is just the opening scene, which is great btw, heading toward to a bigger story yet unfolded. Good dialog from the butler and the uptight people.

Is it really the end? I hope not."

Well, thanks for reading it. I'm still not done reading yours. I left a review for you on your thread. I initially intended this story to be a short. But I've had ideas lately about making it a feature. So, i'm still unsure about it. And if i do lenghthen, it will probably help me get depth. But I'm going to take some time from this story and work on two others: one which is Closed In and another one which is going to be a feature.

Thanks for liking it and that it intrigued your curiosity.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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JD_OK
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Newton's Cradle will make you a believer.

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Welcom, Ill read over Closed in, my girl friend is waiting to watch a movie, but she is on phone right now, so maybe I can get a review up b4 she is done!


Newton's Cradle - action/fantasy, 10th draft 109pgs pdf

IN QUEUE - Comedy - Coming soon!


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wildgrace
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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tuxedos?

on top is a small lap (laptop?)

Something is up, locked doors, people guarding the exits.

It would be odd for a butler to do the intro I think, I would think it more like a close friend or family member.

Would people come to another Hirsch party now? The world is bound to notice if a bunch of rich people don't make it home. And, if there are survivors they'd talk. So this moment when they talk about the family is confusing to me.

You have a knack for creating visuals. But, what is going on?  So Hirsch kills a bunch of people. And, if I understand correctly its because he made a deal with the devil.But what have these people done to deserve death, that doesn't come across clearly for me.

So the question I am asking myself have many rich people made a deal with the devil? And, then maybe the who died are people did not fulfill their part of the bargain they made?

You've got some interesting pieces of the puzzle, but I don't quite have a complete picture.  A bit of a rewrite would fix this.


Scripts
PumpkinCrow Revised Sept 29/06, horror/comedy, 92 pgs

Red Lipstick Revised October 12/06, drama, 7 pgs
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: August 26th, 2006, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, wildgrace. Thanks for your interest in this work. I am going to do another rewrite on this one of course, extending it longer. But currently I'm working on Closed In first. But once I'm done with that one then comes the rewrite of A Night To Remember.


"tuxedos?"

When I was writing the stories, I was thinking of a time period most likely the 1920's to set the story in. But then I decided not to put that in and just make an atmosphere and mood. I'm fascinated in those older time periods.  


"on top is a small lap (laptop?)"

I completely not noticed the "lap" error. This is actually a lamp not a laptop. Sorry about that.

"Something is up, locked doors, people guarding the exits."

I intentially put that to hint the readers of something bad coming up. Your not sure of what it is yet.

"It would be odd for a butler to do the intro I think, I would think it more like a close friend or family member."

Well,...I really don't want to explore this area quite yet. This is something to think about in my next draft. Thanks for mentioning it though.

"Would people come to another Hirsch party now? The world is bound to notice if a bunch of rich people don't make it home. And, if there are survivors they'd talk. So this moment when they talk about the family is confusing to me."

The chit chat taking place is simply them talking among themselves. Something I clearly must clarify in my next draft. They fool people to attend their mansion. There are no survivors since all die. I just didn't want to lengthen that massacre scene.  

"You have a knack for creating visuals. But, what is going on?  So Hirsch kills a bunch of people. And, if I understand correctly its because he made a deal with the devil.But what have these people done to deserve death, that doesn't come across clearly for me."

Well, your close to it. In actuallity, Mr. H is serving the devil for a crime he did before. The people have done nothing wrong. Their innocent victims of this trajedy. The devil needs men for the eternal everlasting battle against heaven. He will do anything to get more soldiers. Something I need to clarify more. And thanks for the compliment.

"So the question I am asking myself have many rich people made a deal with the devil? And, then maybe the who died are people did not fulfill their part of the bargain they made?"

A simple no. Their innocent and died without doing anything bad. I was thinking of another angle of thisin putting to this story, but I'm not going to delve into it now. Can't ruin the surprise.

"You've got some interesting pieces of the puzzle, but I don't quite have a complete picture.  A bit of a rewrite would fix this.'
  
I intended this script to be a short but I must change it to a feature. Thanks for looking at it though.

Gabriel  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Joe Allen Barniak
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey, I'm a movie director and I'm looking for a writer for my horror short.   I like your style.  So if your interested in working on this horror idea with me let me know. joecaholic@yahoo.com
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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I'll be most interested in helping you out.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Doc
Posted: September 2nd, 2006, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Gabriel

Looks like you have the beginnings of a sweet short story. Aside from the already mentioned glitches, there is much promise in a miniseries of shorts. If you were to have several others that you might possible link together at the end. Hmmmm the possibilties.


Good Luck


Doc

The prescription is wriiten...Hope it helps.


********************************************************
Projects in Motion

Nightlife: The Eternal Order
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for those kinds words Doc. I'm planning on making this into a feature when I have the time for it though. School alone is killing me already; I'm an english major.   Nevertheless, thanks for the idea though but I still haven't decided on how I will approach this quite yet.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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tomson
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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I read this one a few days ago.

Didn't comment because I was not in the mood. Sorry!

You write well and I appreciate what you were trying to do, but the ending left me confused.

Having read through the comments, I understand it now, but I think you need to tighten this up in order to make it better.

You need to tell me what time period this is. I wasn't sure until people started talking (that's a compliment, being able to set the time through dialogue), but then there was this lap thing on the table so I got confused.

You don't need to tell us what type of wine or drink everyone's having. I know nothing about wines, so I have no idea what a Chardo....something is colored or any of the other ones. They're just liquids to me

You did a pretty good job though and I love that a young writer is interested in capturing the past.

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 3rd, 2006, 12:21am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Pia. No need to appologize for not commenting before. I am the same way when I write. When I don't feel the mood, I stop immediately and do something else.

I appreciate your compliments especially about the dialgoue. I was worried about that aspect most of all. The lap is actually lamp (it still bothers me that it slipped by me).

Neverthless, I am definitely planning to lengthen this script. I'm still uncertain but most likely a feature.    

The wines reference I felt helped the scene and in some way characterize the three characters; I only do it to them. I don't know much wines myself so I had to look them up.

Thank you again for your interest and lovely compliments, Pia.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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-Ben-
Posted: September 6th, 2006, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Gabriel,

Your format, as far as I could tell had no holes. And spelling mistakes, if any, are unnoticeable.

Your plot needs more of a grabber. You called this a horror, but the "horror" is just a bunch of people getting shot and a covnersation about a "dark one".

The premise in nice, party-thrower kills party-goer. But more build up would be needed. I'm sure, if this gets picked up, the direction would be very creepy. But at the moment, this is not a horror per-se.

6.8/10


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 6th, 2006, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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I totally understand your point. Many people had the same problem. I am planning to make it a feature. Thanks for the read. I passed barely as always...lol.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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michel
Posted: October 4th, 2006, 1:48am Report to Moderator
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Gab,

as promised I read your short. I loved it. Mysterious atmosphere with a good unexpected climax. You have a real talent.

****************SPOILERS*****************

first of all, to avoid weird questions about wines, replace it by champagne. It'd be more convenient when the Butler orders to refill drinks.

maybe it'd be stronger if the Butler was the only one to discreetly lock the doors (with caterers' amazement) At the end, even the caterers would be killed.

The surprise would be greater if Hirsh would styly arrive in the room wearing a large cloak hiding his gun. Then, BAM!!

People would try to escape by the windows but bars will trap them.

To accentuate the Butler's devilish side he could lick his finger spotted with blood. In fact, if I'm right, he's the main character who manipulates Hisrch.

To make people's death "acceptable", describe them with evident flaws (selfishness, pride, disdain, etc...)

One thing annoys at the end. I don't think that a lot of people would still come to Hirsh's parties if it happens too often. People would start to talk. Maybe Hirsch and the Butler would plan to move to nather city or country?

To make it into a feture, you could have someone who investigate about the Butler (who can do this for centuries), often changing of "employeer" and never getting old (that's a bunch of ideas presently crossing my mind)

Hope all this will help you.

Michel


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 4th, 2006, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Michel. I'm currently reading another work that I promised to read but once I'm done with that one, i'll read yours as promised. School is a killer. Anyway, I am very pleased that most people enjoyed this - just wait into the feature.

"first of all, to avoid weird questions about wines, replace it by champagne. It'd be more convenient when the Butler orders to refill drinks."

I am not an expert with wines. I actually looked it up off the internet. I added them only because I felt as they add an interesting charactization to the three characters introduced in the beginning.

"maybe it'd be stronger if the Butler was the only one to discreetly lock the doors (with caterers' amazement) At the end, even the caterers would be killed."

I really didn't emphasize much of the caterers involvement. In the feature it will be explained. All will be explained much more deeply.

The ideas mentioned are quite interesting. I will think about them.

"To make people's death "acceptable", describe them with evident flaws (selfishness, pride, disdain, etc...)"

The deaths are actually not to be meant as acceptable. I was going in that direction in making these individuals die as innocent bystanders.

"One thing annoys at the end. I don't think that a lot of people would still come to Hirsh's parties if it happens too often. People would start to talk. Maybe Hirsch and the Butler would plan to move to nather city or country?"

That's a good point people has brought which will be edited in the feature.

You've helped alot michel. Thanks.

Gabriel
  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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dresseme
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Good read, Ripley, old chap.

I couldn't help but feel a little unfullfilled at the end, however.  It seems like there's a really interesting story here dying to be unleashed.

I do agree with many of the comments before, mainly MGJ's.  If you fix those, and maybe even expand on this story a bit, you're golden.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 18th, 2006, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Dresseme.  I am working on the feature of this script. nevertheless, after writing a good 30 pgs.,   I decided to take a break from that, and work on Closed In in order to resubmit it here with a whole bunch of additions and deductions that many reveiwers have commented on. Thanks for the comments and encouragement.

Gabriel


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mcornetto
Posted: June 9th, 2007, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Not bad Gabe.  You are definitely improving with leaps and bounds in the writing department.

I only had a few notes for this one so I'm not going to bother to include them.  The biggest issues I had were with the Butler and his interactions.  

1. I don't think anyone would call out "Butler...Butler..."  They would have been introduced and would know the Butler's name.  And if they weren't then they would treat it more like trying to catch a waiters attention.  It seemed like the type of people invited to the party would not do this anyway.

2.  I think the Butler got a bit to informal with his speech at times.  True he might not have been a real Butler but I would imagine he is trained to act as one if he handles these events.  Saying things like "can do" and "you've been angels" is very un Butler like behaviour.

Some of the first few pieces of dialogue were a bit clunky.  I don't think some one would quite put it as  "How is that coming out?"

The ending sort of fizzled. I think it would be much better to explain through the reactive dialogue of Mr Hirsch rather than through the Butler's monologue.

Also, how the heck do they explain all those dead people.  At least one of the dead people must be missed and someone probably knows their last known whereabouts was the party.    
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 9th, 2007, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey mcornetto,

Thanks for reading this old work. I'm planning to make this a feature since I left alot of questions open especially the backstory and deaths of these people. So, I will explain this in the feature.

I didn't know about the Butler being called by a name. But, it does make some sense since he is also a main character. so I'll fix this simple problem and fix the dialgoue as well.  

thanks for looking and reviewing.
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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jkanedrummond
Posted: July 12th, 2007, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Ya I thought it was pretty intersting man. Keep writing
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 17th, 2008, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,

First of all, thanks Don for posting the revision up. And espeically quickly.

Secondly, after 2 years, I decided to go back and rework this. What better time to do so. I added a couple of scenes that hopefully would move and add more to the story. And I changed a couple of things around. Nevertheless, some things still stayed the same for the short time such as the butler's name (oddly, no name popped out for me, so I kept it as butler in the short. But the feature, the butler will have a name.) I have taken into consideration alot of suggestions from here and some of my own fresh ideas. However, only a few got into the work presented before you while others I've not thrown out but still keep around for another rewrite of this short (its inevitable, lol) and for my work on the feature.

What I wanted to do with this short is make it stronger from before and make it gory since that seems to be the new fad, so I wanted try out my hand in that area. Hope people like the gore part. Also, wanted to point out some ways on how Mr. Hirsch and his men get away with it. I guess this short served as a test experiement for the feature. I already had an outline set and a couple of pages done of the script. But working on this short, I might have to go back and rewrite it again. lol.  

Hope you guys enjoy it,
Gabe  

  


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stebrown
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gabe, I didn't read the original but just read this revised version now. I haven't read any of the other comments yet because I didn't want to be influenced by them

First off the build-up was brilliant. Had a real feel of upper-class dinner parties from the 20's-30's. I like the dialogue in the build up especially.

After Mr. Hirsch enters the scene though I'm completely lost. I can tell that there is a reason behind what's going on but I have no idea what it is. Why does the butler's eyes glow red? Ok, I have one idea of what might be going on - Hirsch is collecting souls for the devil or is the devil himself? ha that's my only clue.

I liked the way you described where everyone was when Hirsch was chasing them. Read clearly so well done with that because that could have been confusing.

I don't normally point out typos but a change is as good as a holiday as they say so here goes...

Page 3. "Mr. Hirsch's is one lucky..."

Page 4. "That's a lot of problems put upon on one man."

Page 6. "...apologies for the excruciating wait you've guys were put through."

Page 6. The butler turns to his direction - just didn't sound right to me but I may be wrong. I think 'turns in his direction' or 'turns to him' is clearer.

Page 7. they only staring forward.

Page 11. She comes to a intersection where is she blown backwards.

Page 11. "You'll be spent to prison..."

Page 14. "You're business is always..."

I'm very intrigued about what is going on here but my poor brain hurts trying to work it out. Enjoyed the read though.

Ste


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 18th, 2008, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey stebrown,

Thanks for the read.

Yeah...typos are a bitch. lol. But thanks for letting me know so I could rectify it.

I'm surprised you got it. Hopefully others do to. Yeah...Mr. Hirsch is collecting souls for the devil. This will be further explained in the feature.

The chase scene was my doubt lay since it was something I was trying new. Thankfully it turned out well.  

Thanks for the read,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Tommyp
Posted: November 4th, 2008, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

Just read this and it was pretty cool. You are good at descriptive stuff, although I think some things should be left to the director. For example the bit where Mr Jacobs is calling the Butler, and the Butler is searching for him through the crowd.

I would have liked the character of Mr Hirsch to be a bit more developed before he goes on his shooting spree, although leaving him in mystery was a good technique (just another idea, another way of showing it)

Overall well done, and bring on the feature!


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 5th, 2008, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tommy,

Thanks for the read. I'm currently working on this feature now, and its moving along nicely.

I tend to dwell on specific visuals when writing. I'm trying to stop this, or turn it down a notch. Thanks for your interest in the feature and let me know when I can return the favor.    


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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BryMo
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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How’s the writing coming?

So I gave this a read, and I enjoy how you set up your mood and tone. You’re a very descriptive writer who can set an image in your head and make sure your audience gets it.

The ending was a fall for me, personally, I’ve learned that being too enigmatic will turn people off. The story throughout had me guessing what would happen, but you’re good at that, keeping a suspense and apprehension alive.

Just I think the ending is a downfall, like different things don’t add up. Whats up with Mr. Hirsch?

What you nailed in description you lacked in theme.

I guess I’ll wait for the feature.

-Bryan.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, BryMo.

This is one of my many favorite pieces in tone and mood. Story- wise, I'm trying to fix now. lol.

Many people had the same problem as you had with the ending. It was my fault since I tried to wrap it all up at the end. My mistake. Hopefully people get it more in the feature, which is coming along. I'm close to finishing my first act, pretty far away though. But I'm not trying to rush things through. Trying to think things more out and fleshing out characters.



Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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