One step ahead of ya there, I'm just finishing off a rewrite which does expand it slightly.  Hopefully it'll be done by next week.

Anyway thanks for the read Tony.

Well another draft is up.  Again I've filled it out a bit more providing a bit more to the characters.

If anyone fancies a read, I'll repay the offer.

allfy,

For the most part your descriptions were really good, they conveyed the action without overdoing it...just one of them was too much though, the food "jumps" off the plate on pg. 13
think you meant to write "happened" instead of happen, pg. 4.
David's father xmas line was great...also the guys legs buckling when they take the coffin out was really funny.
Not sure if you could add a little more description to Judith, besides being overweight, maybe she has something extra unappealing to her that would make her even less desireable.
The flashback with the lotto ticket was perfectly described.
I had never read your original version of this so I can't comment on the difference between the two, but overall it was entertaing and well paced. While some of the jokes worked better than others, they all still worked, none of them bombed. Plus having the little visual jokes with the coffin, the legs buckling and the stand at the church was well thought out.

I rember I actually read half of this a while ago but never got around to finish it. So I shall give it a complete read & review now that it's a new draft.

You have several punctuation mistakes scattered throughout the script, along with some flat dialogue. The funny bits work well but I cannot picture someone saying to himself something like "Oh, Bugger, looks like I've had a bit of an accident." to himself, or a guy in his mid-twenties saying "what have you done" when that line doen't match at all with the rest of his witty dialogue. It sounds unnatural, something a robot would say compared to the jokes he makes.

Most of the jokes were funny, but it was extra hilarious when Aunt Judith confused the glasses case with David's--ahem--big stiff. And I almost choked on some juice I was drinking when David's dad said he slept with Judith just like David choked on his sandwhich. Bad mental image :S. ?

The guy's death was hilarious too, even though it was, well, a death. I laughed a lot throughout this script, so I could easily get past the grammatical errors.

I did think the flashbacks were overdone, though. There were way too many of them for 25 pages. Some of them were even back-to-back, which got annoying after a while.

All in all, the script had faults, but it was highly enjoyable regardless.



  

Thanks guys,

n7 glad you liked it.  Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I don't know I've read this over many times and somehow I still manage to miss some.

J. Gomez, yeah I included a lot of flashbacks but I wanted to show some background of the characters, maybe I over did it?  The dailogue you refer to as seeming strange is maybe just a geographical difference, 'oh bugger' is a very northern english thing and the 'what have you done' was meant to sound very sarcastic.  

Thanks for the pointers everyone, this script has grown from a 7 pager to 25 pages mainly down to suggestions from you guys so I do have to thank everyone.

Hello Anthony, I read your screenplay, and I don't have too much to say about it other than it was 'entertaining'. The dialogue between the father and son was great, it had me laughing out loud at times.

I also feel like I really got to know who they both were, which is a superb job you have completed.

The best part for me was the bulge in his pocket, the punch line was probably one of the funniest I have read in my few years of writing.

Other than that, there's not much to say about it.

Great job!

Thanks for the read Stigmata, I'll keep my eyes open for when you submit something and I'll give it read for you.

hi, don't know if you still work on this but i thought i'd give it a read.  i thought it was whimiscal and light and had funny parts.   i felt the opening scenes could be trimmed because the conversations go on for a while.  some of the flashbacks were funny, but others didn't really pay off exactly.  the big issue for me though is the lack of change.  an essential part of any story is that there needs to be a change from the beginning of the story to the end, and i didn't really feel that the characters had been changed.  i guess he knows his dad slept with his aunt, but other than that, there really hasn't been a dramatic change that the plot took them on, so i feel for 25 pages, more needs to happen.  you have comedic parts, i just think it would be stronger if they led to a bigger payoff  

Thanks for the read dkw208

I haven't looked at this for a while but I have thought of rewriting it sometime.  It was one of my first scripts and at the time was happy with it but I think I could improve it now.  You're right about the characters, It started as an 8 pager and then grew through 2 or 3 rewrites but I mainly worked on the comedy so I guess I overlooked the character arcs a bit.

I've got a couple of features to read for people at the mo but if you want me to check out one of your scripts let me know and I'll get round to it next week.

yeah, if you could take a look at 'canyon lake' for me, that would be helpful.  thanks

Hey alffy, There was some good set piece gags in this, reminded of the imbetweeners in the dialogue. The David story was a bit weaker than the the father's story and i liked the flashback. I got the feeling before she was interupted by David that Sarah was about to mention she was a lesbian?

SARAH
Yeah, I thought you had a...you
know. And that would have been
weird cos we’re probably related
and also I’m...

Hey Richard thanks for the read, this is a real oldie and one of the first scripts I wrote.  It's kinda strange reading them after so long! Anywho thanks for the read and your thoughts mate.

It had a good ending but with a good setup..
But, you can streamline and improve your writing even more
-a little wordy, needs more emmotion, and the dialog is
on the nose ,ect..

EX:
The sun shines in a pure blue sky.
A group of PEOPLE, all dressed in black, are gathered
outside the church.
could be written as:
On a sunny day, a group of PEOPLE, dressed in black; solemnly stand outside
the church.

EX:
Among them is DAVID, he is in his late twenties, average
build with short spiky hair.  He stands with his hands deep
in his trouser pockets and bounces on his toes.
Sould be written as:
Among them is David (late 20s), average biuld with short spiky
hair, stands with his hands deep in his trouser pockets while
bouncing his toes.

EX (on the nose dialog and too wordy):
TREVOR
Do you have to listen to that
now, son?
Should be written as:
TREVOR
Show some respect.

EX:
DAVID
What, why can’t you keep hold of
them?
Sould be written as:
What, why?


Michael David..

Hey Michael, thanks for reading this oldie of mine.  Actually I think it was the second script I ever wrote?

I was contacted about this earlier in the year and really thought it was going to be produced.  The guy wanted to shoot it in its entirety so wanted some funding but unfortunately didn't raise enough so it's currently on the back burner.  He does still seem keen to come back to it at some point but when, I don't know and I won't hold my breath.  Anyway, I realised that I didn't have the current draft on SS so submitted it.

Thanks again for checking this out and it could do with a touch up but I doubt I will go back to this.

So I was contacted twice last year about this script, one to shoot the whole thing and one for a few scenes.

The guy who wanted to shoot the entire script unfortunately couldn't raise the funds he wanted and so it's on the back burner, for how long....who knows lol.

Here's the scene that was produced by a film student called Tiara Coleman.  She informed me that one of her actors, who was to play Trevor, let her down on the day so only one scene was shot and I'm guessing that's why Trevor doesn't show up at the end of the scene, oh well.

Anyway here it is.